Cheating - Confront or Trust

[Wookin Pa Nub]

If you've read my posts before you know I can be insecure at times. My job requires me to analyze, be skeptical and question things on a daily basis.

 

 

My gf (age 43) and I (46) have a great relationship IMO and are talking about marriage. We do live in different cities 2 hours apart. She has told me countless times she has is very loyal and has never cheated on a bf before. We say we trust each other. A year ago she got invited to Italy by a friend and they were going to stay at her friend's Italian bf/fling seaside villa. I didn't want her to go and she brought up the trust factor then.

 

 

Anyway, a few "red flags" or circumstances are rolling thru my mind.

 

 

1. This is silly but when I have stayed at her house and used her shower, the cap to my Axe body wash (for men body wash if you're not familiar) has been open. I habitually always close the cap wherever I shower. I noticed it 2 visits ago and made conscious effort to close the cap. Last Friday the cap was again not closed.

2. She has a very high sex drive. We see each other about once every week to 10 days.

3. A few of her married yoga friends have guys on the side. One she said has a super high sex drive and her H doesn't satisfy her. She is a dr. and he accepts the arrangement bc of financial impact. I wonder if the friends put "guy on the side" mentality in her mind.

4. Before we got serious she said she was going to live the cougar lifestyle after her divorce. She was in sexless marriage for number of years. She went out on date with 28 year old before we got serious. She jokes that she can get guys in their 20s and 30s.

5. I invited her to come up for weekend. It wasn't a planned visit like normal but I could tell by series of texts she was looking for excuses/reasons not to come to my city.

 

 

She wants me to tell her everything but if I bring this up it shows I don't trust her or have doubts about her fidelity.

 

 

 

[littleblackheart]

1. Is it possible she uses your bodywash herself?

2. Are you projecting a little, ie would you be having a lady on the side if the roles were reversed?

3. Do you have something concrete to base yourself on?

4. Is your gut instinct normally on point?

[d0nnivain]

You are your own worst enemy. This woman has proven herself loyal to you. However, you don't trust her.

 

I'm a loyal person. I had a BF in my 20s who was always suspicious & accusatory. After a while I dumped him because I was so sick of being accused of cheating when I wasn't.

 

You are pushing her away.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

1. Is it possible she uses your bodywash herself?

2. Are you projecting a little, ie would you be having a lady on the side if the roles were reversed?

3. Do you have something concrete to base yourself on?

4. Is your gut instinct normally on point?

 

 

 

1. It's a man's body wash so no she wouldn't use. She is very scent oriented girl so she may be opening the bottle just to smell it to remind her of me. She has slept with my shirts before for my scent.

2. I would not have a girl on the side since we are very serious.

3. She has told me (in joking manner) I ruined her plan to be cougar.

4. Difficult to say but there are things in our relationship that don't add up. Ex - she got text from guy in her yoga class that I saw on her phone. She said she never gives her phone number out. She said he messenger her on facebook and not texted her. I asked to see the FB message and she said she deleted it.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You are your own worst enemy. This woman has proven herself loyal to you. However, you don't trust her.

 

I'm a loyal person. I had a BF in my 20s who was always suspicious & accusatory. After a while I dumped him because I was so sick of being accused of cheating when I wasn't.

 

You are pushing her away.

 

There has to be a point where one questions red flags or just wait until you catch the cheater in the act?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

If she actively avoids spending time with you, there must be a reason why.

It could be anything from you're a bore to the inclination she's boning another guy,

Men's bodywash being used in her bathroom? well, that's a pretty big red flag,

And getting texts from dudes who she claims her number they shouldn't have?

 

I won't mention the mentality of her friends, or the other guys they have on the side,

But all of these "signs" you've listed are inconclusive if considered separately and you confide,

Yet, put them all together with the unfortunate addition of being far apart,

These "warning signs" could cause your sweet tasting relationship to become tart.

 

None of these are definitive enough by itself to really cause you to be on high alert,

However, with all of these occurring at once, it certainly preludes a world of hurt,

I'd tell you, as many others may, to trust but verify the validity of her claims to fidelity,

For I'd hate to find out later that you were right and told to ignore the signs of a cheaters' melody.

[d0nnivain]

There has to be a point where one questions red flags or just wait until you catch the cheater in the act?

 

But the things you label as red flags aren't. They only exist in your mind.

 

Her married friend was cheating & then your GF chose not to go on the vacation to Italy. Since you agree that there is a logical explanation for the open bottle of body wash -- your GF sniffing it to remind her of you -- why can't you accept that instead of assuming another guy used it. I would think that a cheater would be more careful to cover the tracts & leave everything the same way. What are you going to do next, measure the amount in the bottle?

[littleblackheart]

1. It's a man's body wash so no she wouldn't use. She is very scent oriented girl so she may be opening the bottle just to smell it to remind her of me. She has slept with my shirts before for my scent.

2. I would not have a girl on the side since we are very serious.

3. She has told me (in joking manner) I ruined her plan to be cougar.

4. Difficult to say but there are things in our relationship that don't add up. Ex - she got text from guy in her yoga class that I saw on her phone. She said she never gives her phone number out. She said he messenger her on facebook and not texted her. I asked to see the FB message and she said she deleted it.

 

I would use a man's body wash without a second thought but I see what you mean re her being scent-orientated.

 

Ultimately, whether founded or not, it seems like you do have deep seated trust issues. Maybe you are not fully comfortable with the distance or you didn't do the psychological work to rid yourself of past guilt (your current GF was your AP, right?).

 

Maybe you're at a point where you are contemplating whether your RL is actually viable? I know you said you are very serious but this may well be the guit talking. I'm not saying it's the case for sure - maybe something to ponder?

[FMW]

I'll preface this with the fact that I also tend to be over-analytical and not naturally trusting.

 

I would just keep my eyes and ears open. I don't think there's enough right now to point to her cheating, but sometimes our gut feelings have a basis in truth. I wouldn't bring it up with her unless something else happens just in case there really is nothing going on. You don't want to push her away.

 

The thing that would concern me the most is feeling that she was making excuses not to see you for an unplanned visit, especially if it happens again. When you see each other only once every 7-10 days, I would expect her to be eager to have more time with you.

 

But hey, again, I have a suspicious nature.

[ExpatInItaly]

1. It's a man's body wash so no she wouldn't use. She is very scent oriented girl so she may be opening the bottle just to smell it to remind her of me. She has slept with my shirts before for my scent.

2. I would not have a girl on the side since we are very serious.

3. She has told me (in joking manner) I ruined her plan to be cougar.

4. Difficult to say but there are things in our relationship that don't add up. Ex - she got text from guy in her yoga class that I saw on her phone. She said she never gives her phone number out. She said he messenger her on facebook and not texted her. I asked to see the FB message and she said she deleted it.

 

But could it also be argued that she says/does such things because she knows you have trust issues and is trying to avoid a fight?

 

Yes, she should just be honest with you if her male friends have her number. But I also have to wonder if this is her misguided attempt to try to keep the peace with you, knowing you're suspicious by nature. Platonic male friends text me, too. My overly jealous ex-boyfriend lost his mind when he realized this, which made me not want to be open and transparent with him in the future - precisely because he got angry and very insecure over things that were truly innocuous. It eventually spelled the end of our relationship. I felt damned if I did, and damned if I didn't.

 

EDIT: Just had a browse through your thread history. This girlfriend is the same woman you cheated on your wife with, correct? I think you are projecting a lot, considering that you know what you were capable of when you were the unfaithful party. I don't mean that to be snide, but surely you see the bigger context in which these trust issues are developing?

Edited July 2, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

You would confront her with what? a bottle of body wash?

 

 

You have a hot girlfriend that likes men's attention, you're a cheater so you think it's within every body to cheat, you're pretty much screwed.

 

 

 

I think you should break up with her and start new with a new woman. Please avoid dating another yoga teacher.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

What are you going to do next, measure the amount in the bottle?

 

 

 

Funny, because I was thinking of secretly bringing my own body wash for next few months and see if the bottle of body wash in her shower eventually empties.

[Gaeta]

Funny, because I was thinking of secretly bringing my own body wash for next few months and see if the bottle of body wash in her shower eventually empties.

 

 

About putting hidden camera in her home, thought of that one? Wookin when will you realize you are out of control and when a woman makes you feel this insecure it's because she's not the right woman for you.

[Davey L]

Honestly this is a bit ridiculous. The body wash means nothing. She’s probably using it for something else - I get annoyed because mine gets used by my wife to wash things such as face towels and stuff because she doesn’t want to waste her own much more expensive wash. I also don’t think most “other men” would want to use it anyway - I know if I was seeing a married woman I wouldn’t want to even see her husband’s stuff let alone actually use it.

 

Tell her, casually, to stop wasting your body wash and leave it at that. If she reacts with extreme guilt when you tell her that then maybe you have something to be suspicious of! Otherwise forget it.

[d0nnivain]

Funny, because I was thinking of secretly bringing my own body wash for next few months and see if the bottle of body wash in her shower eventually empties.

 

Holy crap. You are so freakin' paranoid. I'd dump you just because you are being so suspicious. Dude, if you don't trust her you HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

[Els]

Paranoid, and projecting. Just because you cheat, doesn't mean everyone else does

[Poutrew]

Get one of those voice recorders that are the size of a USB stick from Amazon. Get the kind that only turns on when there is a sound -voice activated- and not the type that is continuous. Charge it up and then put it somewhere in her apartment where you know she wont find it. Then retrieve it the next week and listen if it caught something, like her secret boyfriend thanking her for the bodywash… other than this, or hiring a PI to tail her, you are never going to know the truth...

Edited July 2, 2018 by Poutrew

[BaileyB]

Either you trust her, or you don't.

 

You clearly don't trust her. So, you should let her go.

 

This is ridiculous. If my boyfriend came to me and told me that he thought I was cheating because I closed the cap of the body wash, I would laugh in his face and then I would dump him. There is no reason to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't trust me and is this insecure.

 

Enough already.

[Davey L]

Get one of those voice recorders that are the size of a USB stick from Amazon. Get the kind that only turns on when there is a sound -voice activated- and not the type that is continuous. Charge it up and then put it somewhere in her apartment where you know she wont find it. Then retrieve it the next week and listen if it caught something, like her secret boyfriend thanking her for the bodywash… other than this, or hiring a PI to tail her, you are never going to know the truth...

 

I hope this is not meant to be a serious suggestion.

 

There is certainly insufficient evidence to justify such intrusive surveillance, and I find the idea of doing this based on such flimsy suspicions to be morally abhorrent.

 

In any case they are not married so if the trust has deteriorated to this extent why not just walk away from the relationship instead?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

In any case they are not married so if the trust has deteriorated to this extent why not just walk away from the relationship instead?

 

Because she's a hot yoga instructor.

[HiCrunchy]

If she was ur affair partner turned gf I would be nervous too.

 

I've seen this happen to many women and men.

If they will cheat with u, they will cheat on u.

 

Not saying she did cheat on u, but distrust in this case is not unreasonable in my opinion.

[HiCrunchy]

I'd she was ur affair partner turned gf I would be nervous too.

 

I've seen this happen to many women and men.

If they will cheat with u, they will cheat on u.

 

Ur ex ap qas in an unhappy marriage and cheated her her husband with u and eventually left the marriage isnt that correct? Not to mention sh e was willingly the other woman.

 

Not saying she did cheat on u, but distrust in this case is not unreasonable in my opinion.

Edited July 3, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[BaileyB]

I hope this is not meant to be a serious suggestion.

 

There is certainly insufficient evidence to justify such intrusive surveillance, and I find the idea of doing this based on such flimsy suspicions to be morally abhorrent.

 

In any case they are not married so if the trust has deteriorated to this extent why not just walk away from the relationship instead?

 

Also my thought. This would be wasted energy and expense, given that this woman has given you no reason to be suspicious.

[HiCrunchy]

If she was ur affair partner turned gf I would be nervous too.

 

I've seen this happen to many women and men.

If they will cheat with u, they will cheat on u.

 

Ur ex ap was in an unhappy marriage and cheated her husband with u and eventually left the marriage isnt that correct? Not to mention she was willingly the other woman.

 

Not saying she did cheat on u, but distrust in this case is not unreasonable in my opinion.

 

Fixed all the typos. Yeah mobile.

[central]

If you have a gut feeling that something is off, then wait, gather evidence, and determine if it's valid. If it is, then confront or act on it appropriately. Most people do say that you should listen to such intuitions.

 

If SHE is using your body wash occasionally, you may not learn anything if you check levels. Perhaps empty the bottle and see if a new one replaces it. I'm not sure how to check up on her from a distance, without a serious invasion of privacy.