I'm so stressed about Husband

[Heavenlyflower9]

There's so many things going on in my head right now, i don't know where to start. Recap! Six years since H's first A. Dealt with a bunch of bull**** over the years. H and I went to MC....it helped. Possible 2nd A, but H denies it. I've forgiven the 1st one, but i can't forget! Moved from Texas to Germany this past April to make a better life for us and our kids. And now...

We're here....living with my family which is hard. Only temporary until we can financially get our own place. Mind you H, kids and I sleep all in the same room.Trying to stay focused and strong. H complains about my family and visea versa. I'm in the middle. I love my family and i want both sides to be happy. But i can't! I'm so frustrated! Taking care of the house since i'm the stay at home and everyone is working. Stressed!! H still wants me to be in lovey dovey mood! Last night, H starts messing with me, wanting to have sex. I did'nt, but i tried. I guess he got the hint. Got mad and left the room. Then asks me why does he always have to make the first move. We've talked about this before. He does'nt see that i'm already stressed! Plus it's hard to get in the mood when the kids sleep a few feet away.

I see that he's trying to make things better for us. He's improved. I'm afraid that if i don't give him any, it'll start all over with arguments. I'm afraid that maybe he'll try to get it somewhere else. I want to fullfill his needs i do. It sucks! I've told him what i'm feeling right now. He just says it'll help release it, the stress. What should i do or make him understand? Sorry this may not all make sense. i just needed to vent!

thanks!

[Outcast]

This is the classic difference between men and women. Sometimes you have to wonder if it's all a great cosmic joke that men have sex to relieve stress and women need to be stress-free to have sex. Men have sex to get emotionally close and women need to be emotionally close to have sex. Men peak sexually in their teens and women in their forties. Oh ha ha.

 

Talk about this with him and together try to come to a solution as a team. It's stupid and annoying that we're built that way so rather than criticize each other for it, join together to get angry at Fate and then try to figure out how to thwart it.

[clandestinidad]

how about this: go drive somewhere at night to have sex in the car...no one else is there, and its fun! He would probably like a little excitement or variation!! (and if intercourse wont work, do oral on each other)

 

or if the car isnt big enough (although, thats part of the fun) drive somewhere at night, take a big blanket outside, and have sex there....maybe ya'll could find a few secret sex places until you have your own place to live (after that from time to time make trips back for nostalgia..haha). These things will remedy his feeling undesirable....the fact that you'd be taking him somewhere to 'do' him will be great for his self-worth.

 

but seriously, I really feel for you and what youre going through. Its incredibly stressful, but you'll make it through. Youve made it through before, right? indeed! So try to work something out...you 2 really need time away from that house. Which leads me to something else I wanted to say: dont argue with him about your parents. Your life is with HIM. Youre supposed to take his side, and if you want to defend your family then keep it to yourself. He's entitled to his opinion about your family, and youre entitled to an opinion about his. Stick with each other...b/c if he feels like your siding with or defending your parents it makes him feel like youre choosing them over him....and thats not a marriage when someone is still stuck to their parents. Its YOU and HIM. Try to understand where he's coming from.

 

oh yeah...if anyone in your family is talking/complaining to you about your husband tell them to shut up!!! He's your husband, and they are not allowed to voice their opinions of him anymore. Could you blame someone for not being happy about living in cramped quarters with people who demean and gossip about him?!?!

[Heavenlyflower9]

Well, several days past and everything seemed to be going good. We even did something freaky....while we were in the basement clearing out some boxes... i just pulled my pants down and asked him to do me. Of course, no turn down! It was fun being sneaky for a little while.

My eyes are soooo red from crying alot! Yesterday he starts **** again. After dinner, he started messing with me, touching my breasts etc. saying we're going to do it. I kinda pushed him away. As we're getting ready for bed he says little remarks like, " You're gonna give me some tonight right?" "I'll let you Ride me buck wild!" I just paused and smiled. Thinking maybe since he worked a long day, he's tired and fall asleep.

Nope! We start talking...and i toldl him i'm sorry i'm just not in the mood. Can we just cuddle? I repeat myself ...i don't know how many times. But it does'nt sink in with him. H says " do you remember what our MC said? Sex plays a major role in marriage" I'm like okay...but i don't need it like you do.There's more to a marriage then sex! I have too much on my mind. He then said i don't recall the exact words.... about the past of how i acted.

I brought his infidelity up... that was a no..no.. i guess. He got pissed! and That he should leave and things are never gonna get better if i'm always thinking about it. I've forgiven him and have put it in the past, but i'll NEVER forget. Years ago, i was'nt able to talk about it so easliy. I want him to know that we can talk about anything! OK! maybe it was wrong to IT bring up. But i was so upset! I just want him to understand me.

Rewind!!: After the A, we moved to another state in with his family. Trying to overcome the past look foward. Dealing with family issues, financial problems etc. it was too much for me. I started seeing a IC and began taking Zoloft. It really helped with deal with every-thing/body around me. Things were looking up for us. That's when we decided to move overseas to start fresh! Now we're here and picking up from where we left off. No more Zoloft though or IC.

He wanted to leave last night. Said he'll drive to the airport right now so he can fly out first thing tomorrow. I did'nt want him to. He does'nt want to be here if i'm not happy with him and constantly think about A.

Back and forth! I love you, don't go! Then you do whatever you want then. I'm sooo confused!!! Don't know what to say anymore..what is right?

I hugged him and apologized for what i said. Wanted him to stay but we needed to be able to talk about us like adults. It was wrong to start an argument over sex first of all, and then bring up some old**** from the past. Need to be strong and get through this. We love each other and have to make it work! THEN.....

We just started kissing etc. and had sex. Why does it seem like after sex everything is okay and hunky dorey again?

This morning he sent me via cellphone a Text msg" i don't want to live life without you *****, i love you". I sent him one saying i felt the same.

What can I do right now? I think once we have our own place, things will be better! In the mean time what else can i do? Sorry for being so long!

[clandestinidad]

it kinda seems like when he wants to have sex with you, he gets too pushy/aggressive. Have you tried telling him that unlike men, women usually need to have some soft touching, kissing, loving things done in order to get in the mood??

 

he doesnt seem to be doing that. I know that if someone was suddenly touching my boobs and telling me that I was going to ride them hard wouldnt make me want to do anything with him!! There needs to be some type of connection made BEFORE we get nasty. Its a total turn-off to be attacked by someone. My boyfriend did this for a while, and got his pride hurt when he would 'initiate' and I'd pull away. Then one day I realized that I pulled away NOT because I didnt want him, but b/c his approach was so gross!

 

If you think thats part of the problem, then in order to start talking about it with him in a nice way (that doesnt hurt his ego/pride), maybe you could tell thim that you just realized something, summarize the part written above, and that maybe rather than suddenly fondling your boobs he could run his fingers over your arm, kiss your neck, etc...and that would turn you on, and get you ready for sex. Be sure that he knows you want him and love him, you just need a different approach.

 

I hope this helps a little bit. oh, and I'm so glad you dropped your pants in the basement!!! thats hot, and probably made him feel really loved!! youre a good wife, and things will get better.

[Lil Honey]

His approach would certainly turn me off as well. Do a search for romancing a spouse, print it out and slip it into his lunchbox or briefcase.

 

Another thought: It sounds as though, because you stay at home, that's ALL you do. I think that you need to get out of the house on a regular basis. If you have little kids, find other moms to spend time with while their kids and your kids play together. Is it possible for you to get a part-time job that you can go to when someone else is home to watch the kids? A part-time job will help you financially AND will get you out to talk to real-live, adult people instead of the kids or the four walls.

[HokeyReligions]

Good advice above.

 

I want to add - learn to fight. Basic rule: do not bring up another topic -- stick to one issue to discuss and don't throw other issues into the mix.

 

If you need to discuss the affair - then set aside time to discuss it. If he wants to discuss your sex life - set aside time to discuss it. Don't bring up the affair in the sex discussion; and don't bring up sex in the affair discussion.

[Heavenlyflower9]

Thank yall again for the great advice!

Well, a week has past and we were okay until yesterday. Normal conversation, thinking everything was fine.

H decided on Monday to start working out with some buddies from work. Which is really good! Because since we've been married (9 yrs ago) he put on quite bit weight alot i might say. I'm happy for him! Plus, he mentioned to me that he was a little depressed. Moving to another country, not being able to speak the language yet, missing family in Texas and dealing with the whole family issue here. I thought it was great, it'll help him.

After dinner, i asked him how often he was gonna work out. Because i would like to start working out as well, that we could switch off. One day he works out, the next day it's my turn. So that we would'nt have to bother my mother to watch the kids. COMPRISE!!! right? no, he got all upset! H wanted to go everyday! " I just started going to the gym, why all of a sudden do you want to work out now?"

I guess, he motivated me. Got kind of jealous too! thinking he's gonna look real good after losing some weight and lifting weights. I better get in shape too. He got all sad and said " i just won't go anymore then". i did'nt want him to say that.

I want to help and i understand him. It's NOT easy for me either, being here even though i have family here and i can speak the language. i just want us to understand each other and help one another to get through all of this! He's not alone! We have US and the kids!

I'm doing all that i can! Stay at home, take care of kids, of house, cook and worry about him. I would like to be thought of too. It would be nice to get out without the kids. He just does'nt seem to understand.

what else can i do? Tried talking to him already. This morning, I told him to just continue going. we'll find out if he does or not.

Heavenlyflower

[clandestinidad]

His pitty-party about they gym is mysterious to me. I'm a skeptical person, and dont trust everything people say...especially if they've shown problems being honest before. So for him to act like that from your simple request about switching gym days sounds really fishy.

 

I dont want to put ideas into your head, but I feel compelled to say this. It seems obvious to me that he had SOME type of plan worked out in his head before talking to you about it....otherwise, he wouldnt have acted like that and questioned why you also want to work out. Perhaps he wanted to work out to meet other women...or to have something to do himself with his friends and wanted to keep you trailing along behind him while he got in shape...maybe he wanted to be able to do it every day so he wouldnt be at home as much (b/c he probably doesnt like to be there w/ all the family)......I dont know. It could be anything, but its obvious that he had SOME plan in mind

 

he shouldnt be discouraging you like that if you said you want to work out too. thats not fair.

 

on the other hand, I'm really glad he opened up to you and told you about how he's been feeling....thats a big step in the right direction!!! keep us posted!!

[Heavenlyflower9]

Hi Kat23!

Thanks again for your help! I don't think he's meeting other women, but hey i have been wrong in the past. I do believe that he's going to the gym with his work buddies. He's the driver since the others all live together and don't have a car. I understand how he must be feeling etc. due to the current situation and working out (not only because he needs to as well) is good for him. But now that he's been working out for the past four days, he calls me this morning to ask me if i was okay. I was like why would'nt I be? H felt i was being distant. How does he want me to act? I guess he expects me to want to be all over him when he comes home. He works 10 hour days. Leaves early in the morning, gets off at 530pm goes to the gym and does'nt come home until 8pm. A LONG day right! Well, i also had a long day, it's not like i sit on my ass and twidle my thumbs! sorry! It's so frustrating:( ! I told him that i was fine. Oh get this! My son starts soccer little league today. I mentioned it to H, and he said really would like to go. Son's league meets at 5pm. He won't be home. I thought he was going to the gym everyday. I'm not getting jealous! Just upset that he did'nt want his everyday workout schedule interrupted. And now? I really don't know anymore! I told him just continue going to the gym. We'll be fine. You can go the first game instead. That was it and H said okay. Grrrr...