I chose the other path. I got revenge.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I tend to err on the side of believing you guys since... well, you're rarely wrong! But I truly feel like he will not come back. He may check in on me silently over the years but I truly do not believe he will re approach. I would be staggered if he did.

 

The reason we think he will be back is because typically a man does not spend all that time with you telling you how he will not be back. He just ghosts you.

 

I don't want to get your hopes up like this is a good thing though.

[anduina]

It's good that you told the wife. When I caught the ex-fiance sexting with his ex, I found out on my own and dumped him on the spot. Never looked back and in less than a year, I'm engaged to a much better man. His sister texted me the other day, telling me he's miserable. My response to her was that it was his own fault and that I'm engaged, so he won't get any sympathy from me.

 

Revenge is never worth the price. Walk away and live your life right.

[flubberghaster]

MidnightBlue1980 - he "said" it was a final call and he owed it to me after all the lies. Who knows, though. He did not sound like he took any joy in talking to me.

 

anduina - you've got balls, girl! I'm so happy it worked out for you.

[bathtub-row]

I guess we should give him a medal for passing on the other woman who propositioned him, and for having only one mistress during his marriage. Now he has no mistress and no wife (1+ 1 = 0) Huh, I'll bet he didn't do that math when he started down that slippery slope.

 

Yeah, I agree that he'll continue to jerk your chain. At some point, you'll grow tired of it.

[flubberghaster]

I guess we should give him a medal for passing on the other woman who propositioned him, and for having only one mistress during his marriage. Now he has no mistress and no wife (1+ 1 = 0) Huh, I'll bet he didn't do that math when he started down that slippery slope.

 

Yeah, I agree that he'll continue to jerk your chain. At some point, you'll grow tired of it.

 

Damn, you aren't wrong! He lost out. It sounds like she took off to her home state and he hasn't seen his kids since. THAT'S awful. I knew how much he wanted those kids, but not enough to not had a sordid affair for 3 years. He lost.

 

But he won't have any problem finding someone else to do what I did for him, without the "fear." Though he did say "you have your family and friends, you were a wronged woman.... not many people are willing to help an adulterer."

 

True words.

[brigit87]

I tend to err on the side of believing you guys since... well, you're rarely wrong! But I truly feel like he will not come back. He may check in on me silently over the years but I truly do not believe he will re approach. I would be staggered if he did.

 

He might come back to use you at some point. And you're carrying his child? Are you going to keep it?

[bathtub-row]

Damn, you aren't wrong! He lost out. It sounds like she took off to her home state and he hasn't seen his kids since. THAT'S awful. I knew how much he wanted those kids, but not enough to not had a sordid affair for 3 years. He lost.

 

But he won't have any problem finding someone else to do what I did for him, without the "fear." Though he did say "you have your family and friends, you were a wronged woman.... not many people are willing to help an adulterer."

 

True words.

 

He labors under the delusion that you walked away unscathed. You’d think he’d realize by your actions that you were deeply hurt.

 

Like a lot of people, he wanted the wife, the 2.5 kids, and the toy on the side. He would’ve been perfectly happy to see you walk away emotionally destroyed while his life remained intact.

[stillafool]

I guess we should give him a medal for passing on the other woman who propositioned him, and for having only one mistress during his marriage. Now he has no mistress and no wife (1+ 1 = 0) Huh, I'll bet he didn't do that math when he started down that slippery slope.

 

Yeah, I agree that he'll continue to jerk your chain. At some point, you'll grow tired of it.

 

Well actually he could still have a mistress but thank God he lost his wife.

 

OP, everyone here seems to give you hope that he will come back to you and I hope this kind of talk doesn't keep you holding on to this man after the things he has said to you. Men usually want to put their women on pedestals and this guy would never give you that honor. You should have your closure now so you can go through with the abortion and try to put this behind you.

[bathtub-row]

Well actually he could still have a mistress but thank God he lost his wife.

 

OP, everyone here seems to give you hope that he will come back to you and I hope this kind of talk doesn't keep you holding on to this man after the things he has said to you. Men usually want to put their women on pedestals and this guy would never give you that honor. You should have your closure now so you can go through with the abortion and try to put this behind you.

 

It’s more of a warning than a message of hope. It happens all the time and she needs to be prepared for it. It doesn’t mean at all that they’ll get back together.

[stillafool]

It’s more of a warning than a message of hope. It happens all the time and she needs to be prepared for it. It doesn’t mean at all that they’ll get back together.

 

Actually as weak as OP is for him it will happen if he wants it to.

[BTDT2012]

OP, I hope you get some serious help for yourself. It really sounds like you would still take him back.

[Dreamwalker17]

I think its a total waste of precious time contemplating will he come back or not.

 

The much bigger question why would you ever want this horrible man back, and this should be your starting point in therapy.

 

He made you totally responsible for his life being ruined because it is unspoken code of honor for all OW's - when you're tossed to the trash can, you're just go and shut up, knowing you're nothing, you'd been used for sex like Kleenex and when The King gets to keep his happily ever after with the wife, you just go away without a peep.

 

You play against the rules and you got punished.

 

Your biggest mistake as I see it was not blocking him and not really walking away with dignity after blowing up his life, but humiliating yourself with begging and thinking if he's left with nothing, he'll run back to you. It doesn't work like this. He never loved you and now hates you, and you gave him the satisfaction throwing it all in your face.

 

But you know what? It doesn't matter. He is such a nothing, he doesn't matter. His wife knows it, and now you know it too.

 

Deal with the pregnancy, and move on. Losers like him are dime a dozen, you didn't lose anything here.

 

All the best xo

[Starswillshine]

Oh! Oh! Forgot a big chunk of the conversation! He said; "I would like to set the record straight. I did not have any other affairs. One girl propositioned me, but you were the only other woman in my entire marriage. I told you about the other girls so you'd be impressed with my 'game.'"

 

That stunk of lies. So who the heck knows?

 

This makes me sick. My WH told his OW about other women, too. And he claims it was just made up stories.

 

I was going to send you a PM but I guess you haven't had enough posts yet. I'm certain my WH is not your MM, but your MM and my WH are the same person in every other way. I bet his wife dealt with what I dealt with. If you ever get to be able to send PMs, send me a note.

 

Best of wishes!!!!

[Passionfruit500]

I think it is not the general scenario when men come back.. as the relationship was ended in this way as OP did by exposion. It is not usual ending so probably this guy will not get back.

Also it is not sure if his wf left him..Maybe she moved to her home state with kids. After calmed down she might reconsider trying to rebuild with her hb and the dad of their kids...you never know how other people think things.. I'd personally could never live with a man who did this to me..but maybe his wf thinks it differently

[brigit87]

I think its a total waste of precious time contemplating will he come back or not.

 

The much bigger question why would you ever want this horrible man back, and this should be your starting point in therapy.

 

He made you totally responsible for his life being ruined because it is unspoken code of honor for all OW's - when you're tossed to the trash can, you're just go and shut up

 

You play against the rules and you got punished.

 

 

It's true. When you play with fire expect to get burned.

 

Everyone has done stupid and unethical things in their lives. So OP you're not exactly a victim. He did lie to you and give you false hope but from what I read you knew a wife was still involved. The healthiest thing to do is to accept you played a part in this unsavory play and now step up to the plate and become a better person.

 

What you do with the baby is your decision. But one that will need to be made soon, I suspect.

[preraph]

You just have to realize, he doesn't have empathy feelings or love feelings. He just has sex and visions of how he wants his life to go, but there's emptiness within. He may be narcissistic, or he may be sociopathic.

[burnt]

The much bigger question why would you ever want this horrible man back, and this should be your starting point in therapy.

 

Completely agree. At the risk of generalizing, most OWs fall into affairs because they are lonely, insecure, and vulnerable, and feeling unloved and unworthy enough to fall corrupted MMs for just a bit of affection and validation.

 

Your biggest mistake as I see it was not blocking him and not really walking away with dignity after blowing up his life, but humiliating yourself with begging and thinking if he's left with nothing, he'll run back to you.

 

I disagree. Ironically because OP went all explosive and still begging and pleading destroying herself, she now has a far, far better understanding of how pathetic and disgusting the real person is inside that fake MM. And it is that understanding and clarity is what will help her heal faster.

 

Most of the other OWs take a very long time to realize this fact because we go quiet after we're ditched into the trash cans and therefore we still hold onto the fake face of the MMs for a long long while.

[Amethyst68]

Hi, long time lurker. Just wondering what's happening to the 6 year relationship you refer to at the start of the thread? Was your partner one of the people you revealed the affair to and do they know about the pregnancy (if you're still together)?

[anika99]

That conversation certainly does make the MM sound horrible but in a way I think he was just being more honest than cheating married men usually are.

 

Most affairs are all about ego, lust and fantasy. Affair partners make each other feel really really good. They have hot sex and spend hours stroking each other's ego with words of admiration and affection, meanwhile they don't even really know each other. Oh they think they share a deep connection but their connection is all within the fantasy of an affair. Affairs are not about love, they are about making the participants feel good. They think they love each other but what they really love is the way their affair partner mirrors them. It's addictive to be with someone who makes you feel like you are the best person who has ever walked the face of the earth. You feel sexy, desired, beautiful, and totally accepted so who wouldn't want more of that? But that is not really love for another person, it's just a lot of ego and feel good.

 

Of course other normal relationships cannot compete in that department. Married couples with children cannot spend all their time together gazing into each other's eyes and speaking words of admiration while having hot sex. They have to take care of the mundane details of life. Go to work, do household chores, tend to the million needs of their children, deal with finances, etc. They have to put up with each other's moods and bad habits, deal with inlaws and extended families and on and on it goes. They may manage to still have some great sex but the majority of their time is taken up with mundane responsibilities. The love they have for each other is much different than affair love. It's built on a foundation of sacrafice and longterm commitment. Marital love can be quite boring but the bond can run deeper because there is so much work and time invested. Spouses are not just lovers and partners they become family to one another.

 

OP I know you believe this guy was your one true love but I suspect that much of your attachment to him was the same as his attachment to you. That your feelings for him were not so much about genuine love but more about how good he made you feel and how much he built up your ego. You said in your first post that you only met up with him 4 times in three years and by the sounds of it most of those meetings included lots of sex. How can love be built on a foundation of lies and kinky sex. He didn't love you and I don't think you really loved him either. You were in love with a fantasy and the way he made you feel. I think you and he are two sides of the same coin.

 

As for him coming back, I think that depends on the state of his marriage. If his wife forgives him and they reconcile he may come looking to restart the affair sometime down the road. I know that sounds unbelievable given how much damage has already been caused but somehow serial cheaters are willing to risk their marriage over and over again even when they don't want a divorce. It boggles the mind. If his wife never forgives him and they get divorced then I don't think he will ever be back. You will forever be a reminder of a bad experience and he will want to put the whole event behind him. Also as a single man he will have many more women available to him and he will want to play the field.

 

Please do the same. Put him and this affair behind you. Focus on your future and what you are going to do about this pregnancy. Continue therapy so that you can pick better relationships going forward.

[jah526]

Anika, good post but I’m curious about one thing. I do agree that spouses become like family, but then why do these wandering spouses so easily stray and put that bond in jeopardy? I guess this is the million dollar question.

[anika99]

Anika, good post but I’m curious about one thing. I do agree that spouses become like family, but then why do these wandering spouses so easily stray and put that bond in jeopardy? I guess this is the million dollar question.

 

That is the million dollar question that I've seen asked many times. I don't have a definitive answer and I don't think there is just one answer.

 

I think most think they won't get caught in the first place. I think many initially think it will only be a one night stand or they think its just a harmless flirtation but they get caught up in the affair addiction and don't know how to get out. I also think many don't understand the consequences until they are suffering them. They think "my wife will never leave me. If I get caught and can't lie my way out of it then I'll just buy her flowers and make dinner every night and it will all be smoothed over" They don't understand the sheer pain and devastation they are going to cause their wife and kids until they see it unfolding before them. They don't know how ashamed and humiliated they are going to feel when all the people who used to admire and respect them now look at them with either disgust or pity. They just don't get it until it happens.

 

Of course I'm talking about the guy who cheats but truly wants to stay married. I think there is another type of cheater who really doesn't want to be married but they don't have the guts to iniate a divorce so they cheat because they don't care if their wife finds out and divorces them. That would be an exit affair but I think those are more common for wives who are cheating rather than husbands. I think most woman begin cheating only after they are well checked out of their marriage and are fine with losing their husband.

[anduina]

anduina - you've got balls, girl! I'm so happy it worked out for you.

Thanks, although I wasn't looking for praise. I wanted to point out how revenge keeps someone on your mind who's a waste of precious energy. Instead of wasting that precious energy, put it towards living your life right and who knows what might happen in the future with someone else worthy of the energy investment.

[flubberghaster]

I'm sorry for the late response guys. I've been sad. And trying to keep busy.

 

preraph - this was very helpful when I was 'wallowing' on Saturday. Thankyou.

 

anika99 - articulate, bright man. I believe he realised he was in too deep by the time he realised it wasn't 'love' for him. Hard to swallow, but I believe it.

 

Amethyst68 - we are parting. Sadly it was a relationship of indifference - the only things that changed for either of us was location/who pays the bills. Neither of us felt any emotional upheaval leaving one another.

[bathtub-row]

Anika, good post but I’m curious about one thing. I do agree that spouses become like family, but then why do these wandering spouses so easily stray and put that bond in jeopardy? I guess this is the million dollar question.

 

Probably the number one reason is because they think they won’t get caught. It’s a gamble but they believe the odds are in their favor. Another reason is because even if they are caught, the majority of spouses take them back. The next reason is because they’re so completely frustrated and angry at their spouse, they don’t care - at the time - if it all blows apart or not.

[Bittersweetie]

Anika, good post but I’m curious about one thing. I do agree that spouses become like family, but then why do these wandering spouses so easily stray and put that bond in jeopardy? I guess this is the million dollar question.

 

I can only speak for myself as a fWW. Looking back, I did not have a lot of self-esteem, and I placed that fact at my husband's feet (wrongly). So when someone else gave me attention, it made me feel good and that I had my self-esteem back (even though, in reality, the good feelings were superficial and unreal). I, too, did not think I would ever get caught as my H and I lived 2000 miles apart at that time. And finally, I did not fully grasp the risk I was taking. I just had no idea until d-day. Maybe if I had understood that huge risk I wouldn't have made the choices I did, but I just blanked that aspect out of my mind. I also did a lot mental gymnastics to make what I was doing "okay."

 

I was fortunate that my husband gave me a second chance. But that chance was not a get-out-of-jail free card. He expected me to go NC, be transparent, to work on myself and our marriage. They were high expectations that benefited both me and our relationship so I am thankful for that as well. I do wish I'd gotten to this place without the pain I caused though.