I chose the other path. I got revenge.

[burnt]

I was fortunate that my husband gave me a second chance. But that chance was not a get-out-of-jail free card. He expected me to go NC, be transparent, to work on myself and our marriage. They were high expectations that benefited both me and our relationship so I am thankful for that as well. I do wish I'd gotten to this place without the pain I caused though.

 

Bittersweetie,

The irony is though...would you have gotten to this point had you not gone through this painful experience?

 

Suppose your affair didn't take place. Where would you have been today? From the start of the affair to this point...replay your life, minus the affair. Who would you have been today? What would have been the nature of your marriage today? What would have been your perception of yourself today?

 

If there was no affair and no D-day, would either you or your husband have examined, talked, and opened up about what has made the two of you drift apart slowly over the years?

 

Chances are, if the affair didn't wake and shake you up, both you and your husband would have continued and drifted into live parallel lives, both slowly dying on the inside more and more without even knowing the cause of that internal death.

 

And perhaps, after a while like many marriages, yours might have ended in a divorce as well.

 

So the irony is that it was the affair and the D-day that forced that honest communication between you and your husband and the need for change that forced the two of you to put more dedication into your marriage, which in turn now has made your marriage better.

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweetie,

The irony is though...would you have gotten to this point had you not gone through this painful experience?

 

Suppose your affair didn't take place. Where would you have been today? From the start of the affair to this point...replay your life, minus the affair. Who would you have been today? What would have been the nature of your marriage today? What would have been your perception of yourself today?

 

If there was no affair and no D-day, would either you or your husband have examined, talked, and opened up about what has made the two of you drift apart slowly over the years?

 

Chances are, if the affair didn't wake and shake you up, both you and your husband would have continued and drifted into live parallel lives, both slowly dying on the inside more and more without even knowing the cause of that internal death.

 

And perhaps, after a while like many marriages, yours might have ended in a divorce as well.

 

So the irony is that it was the affair and the D-day that forced that honest communication between you and your husband and the need for change that forced the two of you to put more dedication into your marriage, which in turn now has made your marriage better.

 

You are absolutely right. Would my H and I have gotten to this point in our marriage without the affair? I cannot answer that. I have said before that without a d-day I probably would've continued to reach out to xAP or even looked online for someone else, because I would not have addressed the underlying issues I had.

 

My A and d-day led to my H and I rebuilding our marriage and for me rebuilding my self. I will never know if we could've gotten to this place without the A. But that doesn't mean I still wish we could have without the pain that I caused my husband. The pain I caused myself, I have dealt with and accepted. But the pain I caused my H? I will always feel remorse that my actions caused him such pain.

[Dreamwalker17]

Flabberghaster, how did blood test go? How soon you will get the results?

[brigit87]

Be prepared to be staggered then... He will be back. He will move on to his next willing victim but someday, he will think of you and he will need some validation... Or, he will just want more sex. I would bet money that he will try again. Just like, I bet money that he would not let you end it without talking... The narcissist in him could not let you go without one parting shot!

 

I agree. This drama is too exciting for both of them. Now it's the "Oh gee when will we be in contact again" part.

 

If he's very smooth and attractive he might introduce some new women into his life and have sex with one and on the way home contact OP (who will unblock him at some point ) and say "I miss you."

 

OP will eventually get tired of being used. Just not yet.

[Dreamwalker17]

I am not sure why it is repeated over and over he will be back. It is obvious he doesn't assume any responsibility for the mess he created, and she blocked him everywhere.

I don't think it's productive or helpful for the OP to keep repeating it. If anything, she should be encouraged to keep her guard up and to stay NC.

 

Who cares if he'll decide to come back?

He can only come back if she lets him.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I am not sure why it is repeated over and over he will be back. It is obvious he doesn't assume any responsibility for the mess he created, and she blocked him everywhere.

I don't think it's productive or helpful for the OP to keep repeating it. If anything, she should be encouraged to keep her guard up and to stay NC.

 

Who cares if he'll decide to come back?

He can only come back if she lets him.

 

I don’t believe posters said that to give her hope that he will contact her. I think it was more of a warning for her to be prepared if it happens.

 

I believe the posters have probably seen it happen over and over again and were trying to prepare her for the bs.

[flubberghaster]

I still hold no belief he'll be back. He dumped me, and I ruined his life. He also mentioned on that last phone call he stopped feeling a thing for me around April, 2 trips ago. He said we were just friends by then and he wasn't sure why he kept up the "I love you's" and the "I need to leave my wife for you."

 

The blood test was positive. I am not going through with the pregnancy. I cried and cried and cried in pathology. Things aren't great, but he has remained silent, which helps.

[FMW]

He's a jackxxx. I wish you strength and peace.

[marky00]

In all situations, the OW is not a factor other than to be blamed and later - laughed at. Yes, my H chuckles at her now. Boy she must hate me, he says. But he will say, she knew I was married, she knew what she was getting into. Zero sympathy. A joke. For me, you can read my saga but it was pretty bad.

 

Just curious.

 

How does it feel like being married to a guy like that? Sorry, but he sounds like a piece of work to me.

[marky00]

He also mentioned on that last phone call he stopped feeling a thing for me around April, 2 trips ago. He said we were just friends by then and he wasn't sure why he kept up the "I love you's" and the "I need to leave my wife for you."

 

Useful info.

 

God, I wish the ex who dumped me had come out and said something like that. It's just the worst when someone leaves and they say nothing at all. I get they don't want to hurt you but by saying nothing, it actually hurts you more in the long-run.

[sandylee1]

I still hold no belief he'll be back. He dumped me, and I ruined his life. He also mentioned on that last phone call he stopped feeling a thing for me around April, 2 trips ago. He said we were just friends by then and he wasn't sure why he kept up the "I love you's" and the "I need to leave my wife for you."

 

The blood test was positive. I am not going through with the pregnancy. I cried and cried and cried in pathology. Things aren't great, but he has remained silent, which helps.

 

He probably didn't know how to end it without hurting you. That's why he just carried on with it.

 

It's easier and less confrontational than having to end the affair for most people.

 

The best revenge is living a good life and not letting your past dictate your future. Put it down to one of those things.

 

See it as a valuable life lesson not to get involved with attached men.

[flubberghaster]

Still silence from both ends. The pregnancy stuff is incredibly depressing. For two weeks I was doing okay... and its all kind of crumpled again. I can't stop thinking about him at night - I push the thoughts away, and they come back. At least the longing is gone, its just a dull "I miss you" combined with a healthy dose of "damn, I can't believe I lost to her." Nasty, nasty, vindictive thoughts, sigh.

 

** aside from the bitchy attitude, its amazing what breakups do to get your ass up and out. I've wanted botox for a while, and finally got it. It really does make a big difference, despite being young and mostly wrinkle free, all this unhappiness meant I felt like I was starting to get one between my eyes. Its stopped that expression in its tracks, and actually helps to make you feel better if you "can't" make that expression. I had a lovely set of 26" 150g hair extensions cut in... and overall, I think I look good! I had some photos done with a Lamborghini (on/off model) but just wasn't feeling it. The photos came out good - gritty. War paint against this very beautiful car, but I just am not feeling it without a man around -- it was an awfully lonely experience going it for "no one" though. I instantly wanted to show MM and be excited with him... and of course, I can't. I feel like there's something wrong with me when on paper, everything looks good. Its got to be my attitude to things, or something more sinister. I don't know.

 

That said, I'm super grateful for my friends. They have been incredible throughout this whole experience. I can't begin to express the helpfulness and how far out of the way some of them have gone to pull me out of this rut. Its funny how you can be "okay" if not "good" for a few weeks, and then there's a couple of days of pure sullenness.

Edited July 30, 2018 by flubberghaster

[CantTakeMySmile]

Its funny how you can be "okay" if not "good" for a few weeks, and then there's a couple of days of pure sullenness.

 

 

 

This is the aspect that I find so difficult. And disheartening. You can feel so good and then wake up and feel down again. Even at times we I do feel good. I start to panic when I feel my feelings start to lessen even. I hate that! I mean, I want to move on but then my heart is like...WAIT??? It is mind boggling. I hate it.

 

 

So, as you know, moving on is not linear. YOu seem to be doing great. Just try to focus on that. You will get there.

[brigit87]

Still silence from both ends. The pregnancy stuff is incredibly depressing. For two weeks I was doing okay... and its all kind of crumpled again. I can't stop thinking about him at night - I push the thoughts away, and they come back. At least the longing is gone, its just a dull "I miss you" combined with a healthy dose of "damn, I can't believe I lost to her." Nasty, nasty, vindictive thoughts, sigh.

 

** aside from the bitchy attitude, its amazing what breakups do to get your ass up and out. I've wanted botox for a while, and finally got it. It really does make a big difference, despite being young and mostly wrinkle free, all this unhappiness meant I felt like I was starting to get one between my eyes. Its stopped that expression in its tracks, and actually helps to make you feel better if you "can't" make that expression. I had a lovely set of 26" 150g hair extensions cut in... and overall, I think I look good! I had some photos done with a Lamborghini (on/off model) but just wasn't feeling it. The photos came out good - gritty. War paint against this very beautiful car, but I just am not feeling it without a man around -- it was an awfully lonely experience going it for "no one" though. I instantly wanted to show MM and be excited with him... and of course, I can't. I feel like there's something wrong with me when on paper, everything looks good. Its got to be my attitude to things, or something more sinister. I don't know.

 

That said, I'm super grateful for my friends. They have been incredible throughout this whole experience. I can't begin to express the helpfulness and how far out of the way some of them have gone to pull me out of this rut. Its funny how you can be "okay" if not "good" for a few weeks, and then there's a couple of days of pure sullenness.

 

It sounds like you're in some kind of manic shock. You need to rebalance your emotions.

 

Men aren't as swayed by beauty as we like to think. And men aren't as exciting as we were lead to believe.

 

You need to quiet your mind and care for your soul.

[stillafool]

OP, have you had your procedure yet?

[flubberghaster]

OP, have you had your procedure yet?

 

No procedure, just a pill. Legal here, thankfully.

[seren]

I hope things are settling down for you. In your early post you said that you were: ' so sure I was ready to give up a brand new home on acres, a 6 year relationship, my horses, my job, my country, and a large chunk of savings'. What happened to the 6 year relationship? Did you disclose to your partner of 6 years that you had an A? Is there any chance he could be the father?

 

I remember a friend who knew nothing of her husband's affair, we hardly ever do, then one morning while getting the children ready for school a registered envelope arrived, filled with copies of text messages, screen shots and photos, all from the OW determined to show the BS that there had been an A and the proof of it. I had a phone call from one of the children as 'Mummy is being sick and crying'. it is, IMHO, a cruel way to inform a BS that there has been an A, I would always ask an OW to first ask the BS if they want proof before dumping it all onto her.

 

It punishes the BS, they have images they can never get out of their head and while a lot will say the BS isn't their responsibility (which they aren't), then neither is it the responsibility of the OW to shove their face in it, you can never know what is going on in the life of the BS. Knowing about an A is gut wrenching, it tears your insides inside out, to have it land on your mat when you aren't expecting it, is cruel. Personally, I wouldn't have told the parents, some older people would be so broken by that news. But, it is done and if revenge was the purpose I suppose you have succeeded.

 

He is obviously not worth the time of day from either of you, but, I have no doubt he and his wife will work it out, I would stay away from him. You need to concentrate on you and your baby, get the lawyers to work out finances, but be prepared for visiting rights and for his family to be involved. I always thought that if my H had made the OW pregnant I would accept that baby as part of our family. As a mother, I can imagine that would be hard to deal with. Take a time to think about how you want things to be, try to focus on yourself. If you are with your partner of 6 years, how has he taken the news or have you both broken up now? I hope you have a lot of support IRL, but the people on here are great.

[flubberghaster]

I hope things are settling down for you. In your early post you said that you were: ' so sure I was ready to give up a brand new home on acres, a 6 year relationship, my horses, my job, my country, and a large chunk of savings'. What happened to the 6 year relationship? Did you disclose to your partner of 6 years that you had an A? Is there any chance he could be the father?

 

{snip}

 

Happy to answer these.

 

That relationship ended. Neither of us wanted to continue it. We hadn't had sex in months; it couldn't have been him. I told bf about everything to day MM split with me/I took my revenge. It was relatively amicable.

 

The pregnancy was terminated. Things are tough.

 

I haven't heard from him since.

Edited August 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[seren]

I am so sorry to hear about your pregnancy, I hope you have good friends IRL to support you through the awful time you must be having. heal, both physically and mentally, don't well try not to concern yourself about the MM and his life, concentrate on yours and moving forward. I wish you nothing but the best xx