mossycup Posted July 4, 2018 Share Posted July 4, 2018 I think this is the right category. I've been back on here posting about how I am feeling good these days and that is accurate - good because I had felt very good being single. Then I started to feel some pressure (maybe because I was feeling good) that I should try to find a "good man" before I turn 40, with a fear that after 40 I'd just be washed up. Obviously that isn't true, but that was the fear. Somehow that thought let in a wave of pain and shame. I realized how ashamed I feel at 39 and never married (just jilted at the altar, as they say). The majority of people are married. Our culture is obsessed with love. As a woman there is the feeling that if I don't have a man, I'm worthless (it's put deep into women's minds from day one. A man can be LONELY and single, but I feel like a woman is also WORTHLESS, LONELY and single. But I'm open to hearing from men on their thoughts on this.) As a sex and love addict, it's worse for me in that I obsess more and cannot seem to take a balanced perspective. At the same time, dating bring so many pressures and stresses, getting to know someone takes more, etc etc. The whole thing feels incredibly fraught. I know "if it's the right person, then it's not so hard" but when you are heading towards 40 with a long, long history of dating, you have the thought, I can't. I can't do it anymore. I have no more energy or motivation for another round of this, when the last two ended in dehumanizing betrayal after opening my heart. Anyway, I have a lot of baggage making things hard for me, but what I'd like to hear from people is ways they have found to relieve pressure around the expectation that one should be married. Right now I just do want to be single I think, I guess, I know I'm happy that way, but my thoughts keep pounding at me to find a man. I need mental liberation! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 4, 2018 Share Posted July 4, 2018 I met the man who is now my husband when I was 39. I was single never been married, never even been engaged. I had a few choice, snide remarks for anybody who suggested that I was less than somebody who was married. I also had a number of unmarried, never been married friends so I didn't feel odd. Live your life. Enjoy yourself. Do things that make you smile & if it's meant to be trust that that right person will appear but don't stop living or hide away because you are single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2018 Share Posted July 5, 2018 The majority of people are married. And the majority of those people are eventually divorced. No guarantees of happiness, either way. As a sex and love addict, it's worse for me in that I obsess more and cannot seem to take a balanced perspective. At the same time, dating bring so many pressures and stresses, getting to know someone takes more, etc etc. The whole thing feels incredibly fraught. I know "if it's the right person, then it's not so hard" but when you are heading towards 40 with a long, long history of dating, you have the thought, I can't. I can't do it anymore. I have no more energy or motivation for another round of this, when the last two ended in dehumanizing betrayal after opening my heart. Thomas Edison said "I haven't failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work". Mossycup, you just need to find the right bolt for you nut, though, as a sex and love addict, you need to ensure you're not hurting your own chances. Do you discuss these issues with a therapist? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts