Am I His FWB or Overthinking It?

[springflowers]

I briefly met a guy who lives down the street a couple of years ago and felt a mutual instant attraction. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago and we run into each other again and exchange phone numbers. He invited me over for a couple of drinks and we both had a lot of fun talking and spending time together. He told me he’s been wanting to meet me for 2 years and has noticed me in the neighborhood but in-between the 2 years we were both with other people.

 

We have since hung out every couple days and have spent the last 3 weekends together. My intention was not to sleep with him right away as I am not looking for an FWB but to wait it out to see what his intentions were. Bad on me… the attraction was too strong and I ended up spending the night with him within a week.

 

Since then we have still continued to hang out, there’s a lot of flirting and yes we are still sleeping together but I don’t know where I stand with him as I feel I’m getting mixed signals.

 

He made a comment within the first week that he felt we were different people and not compatible for a relationship. I decided I would no longer be intimate with him and keep it as friends. We hung out a few times, had a good time and I went home after a couple of hours. We kissed but I did not spend the night and he was ok with it. I was beginning to realize that I couldn’t just hang out… I wanted more and was going to talk to him and tell him we can’t hang out anymore. The evening I was going to say something he held me and said he can’t believe how good it feels to be around me and close to me. I said “that makes no sense. You said we are incompatible” He said “he’s been known to be wrong and not afraid to admit it” Things felt really good and really right so I didn't bring it up.

 

He tells me all the time how good it feels to be close to me. Not just sex but even when he hug. He texts me everyday to ask how my day is and the rest is flirty talk.

 

Now almost every time we see each other we do hang out, talk but are also intimate a lot but not every time. He asks questions about my past relationships like he wants to learn about me but no real indication he wants a relationship. In my experience men have given indication by now of wanting a relationship or at least hinting at it to see where I stand. He recently took me to a get together at his parents place. At his parents he held my hand, put his arm around me… and I have met his close friends. Some nights he texts me sweet dreams other nights its gnight. We were talking about a quirky couple and he made a comment that yes they are quirky but they are together and married not like us who are single. I feel very confused. Your thoughts?

 

I no longer want to be in this strange relationship, feel confused or end up feeling used if his intentions are to just keep it casual.

 

I typically avoid this type of situation by not being intimate too soon as I usually won't sleep with someone until I know they are looking for a relationship.

 

I need to say something soon but Im not sure what the best way to go about it is? I want it to be clear that I do not want an fwb relationship but still let him know that I’m open for a relationship without feeling like I’m giving him an ultimatum. What’s your suggestions?

 

My thought was to say something like “It’s been a lot of fun spending time with you and I do like you but I can’t do this anymore as it feels like we are fwb and that is not for me. I am wanting a committed long term relationship and don’t want to tie myself up with something that can not develop into anything more”

 

 

 

I feel then I'm standing my ground on what I do and don't want and also leaving the ball in his court to stand up if my thoughts on what we are is wrong. Thoughts? A better way to say it? How do I bring this up? I am so not good with confrontation especially when I don't know someone very well. And I have made relationship mistakes in the past where I wait to long to speak my mind on what I will or won't put up with. And then it seems they're confused as how I can be fine with something for so long and suddenly not be.

[stillafool]

I think you are wise to talk to him now and what you planned to say seems perfectly fine.

[Carpe Diem]

Tell him you want a boyfriend and an exclusive relationship. If he hesitates or deflects have the strength to end the meet-ups. So often people say what they want but then the old pattern emerges and they just don’t have the strength to pull away.

[preraph]

I think 3 weeks is way too soon to bring up exclusivity and since he hasn't said "friends with benefits," no reason to accuse him of that. He did introduce you to his parents. You haven't been clear if he's ever asked you out on a real date or not. I mean, this could just be convenient sex to him that he doesn't know where it's going, but if he's not really making any moves to date you but just booty calls, I mean most men will go for that because it's easy and convenient, so you certainly can't make a lot of it. Don't always be available and see if he will make a date to see you once you aren't just available when he wants to have sex and you'll get your answer if he's interested or just likes how convenient it is.

[springflowers]

We haven't been out on an official date yet. He did ask me in advance if I'm available for plans once but while we were figuring it out friends dropped in and we ended up hanging out with them. We also have plans for him to take me boating in the future but date set yet. There has been a couple of times that I said no to hanging out. Everytime we hang out he's not trying to sleep with me.

 

 

 

I agree about the convenience. And that's what I'm hoping this is not. Seems the best thing to do is have the confrontational talk which I am so not good at lol.

[stillafool]

When you say "hang out" are you talking about "going out on a date" or hanging at one of your places where it's easy to move into sex?

[springflowers]

Finally got the courage to speak to him and his response was he cares about me, likes spending time with me, he didn't think of me as FWB but he never really thought about it as he is not in a rush for a relationship. He was taking it day by day and didn't know where it was going.

 

I asked if he's been with anyone else and he HAS fooled around with someone. And said he didn't think anything of it as we are not in a place where that would not be ok.

 

I said, sounds to me like I was an FWB! He said then he was my FWB too. I said no, it's different because I was taking it day by day getting to know him to see if there was potential for something more whereas he never thought about it. He had no comment. Which gave me my answer.

 

Ladies, if you are unsure where you stand, speak up if something doesn't feel right. Although I feel cheap, used and hurt.. I'd rather know now then invest more time into someone until they are tired of me and reject me or fade me out. By me walking away at least I kept some dignity and control over the situation.

 

 

But I do find strange that he still texts me. Saying again he never thought of me as an fwb then goodnight telling me he will still help me cut some trees in my yard and put up a fence. Is this guilt? Him trying to keep things the way they were? Or because we live so close to each other so trying to keep the peace?

[stillafool]

He isn't thinking of the other girl as a FWB either. To him, he's just seeing women and if they both feel it they have sex and enjoy each other's company. He feels that women should expect him to ask them to be in a relationship if he wants to get serious and since he hasn't asked he doesn't want one NOW. I don't know why you would feel cheap and used since you wanted the sex. As a matter of fact you said you didn't want to have sex so fast but the attraction was so strong you couldn't help yourself. That is not his fault. Also you could have brought up this FWB thing before you had sex with him again, but didn't. At least now you know where you stand. He is texting daily not just with you but others. He is keeping his options for sex open.

[Whodatdog]

This is going to sound really old fashioned, and if it does, so be it. I see it instead as simple biology.

 

That is one big issue when you sleep with someone quickly before really getting to know someone and form an emotional relationship. It really muddies the waters, and makes it difficult (not impossible) to define what it is you have. Of course he will stay in contact and keep texting, he enjoyed the sex. He probably wants more. Men easily have sex without emotional attachments; women not so much.

Edited July 26, 2018 by Whodatdog

[springflowers]

He isn't thinking of the other girl as a FWB either. To him, he's just seeing women and if they both feel it they have sex and enjoy each other's company. He feels that women should expect him to ask them to be in a relationship if he wants to get serious and since he hasn't asked he doesn't want one NOW. I don't know why you would feel cheap and used since you wanted the sex. As a matter of fact you said you didn't want to have sex so fast but the attraction was so strong you couldn't help yourself. That is not his fault. Also you could have brought up this FWB thing before you had sex with him again, but didn't. At least now you know where you stand. He is texting daily not just with you but others. He is keeping his options for sex open.

 

 

Yes, I agree it's not his fault. I know I shouldn't look at it as feeling used but I can't help what I feel. I guess it's because although I know he has some feelings for me and we were getting close, it hurts that we aren't on the same page and that it meant more to me than him and that as of now he let me go.

[stillafool]

I guess it's because although I know he has some feelings for me and we were getting close, it hurts that we aren't on the same page and that it meant more to me than him and that as of now he let me go.

 

I know that is why the next time remember this:

 

 

That is one big issue when you sleep with someone quickly before really getting to know someone and form an emotional relationship. It really muddies the waters, and makes it difficult (not impossible) to define what it is you have. Of course he will stay in contact and keep texting, he enjoyed the sex. He probably wants more. Men easily have sex without emotional attachments; women not so much.