Complicated Relationship Resolution

[anika99]

The husband doesn't sound like he's over her based on his post on this thread alone... I would worry about it OP and, I understand it might be hard to see your husband as doing something wrong, but he is overstepping his boundaries.

 

Oh I agree that the husband is far from being over it. OP your husband has been posting a lot in the "what song is in your heart today" thread. You may want to check out some his choices. I know we all sometimes like a song that has nothing to do with us personally. I myself had a song in my playlist awhile back that was about the difficulty of being a black man in a white man's world. Meanwhile I'm a middle aged woman..lol. I just liked it because of the tempo and because it had a Motown sound to it that I liked. However, our favorite songs, the songs in our heart, are usually the songs that we connect to on a emotional level and that have lyrics that we relate too.

 

Your husbands song choices all seem to have a theme of being in love with someone other than your spouse. The videos contain outright cheating or pining for a forbidden love interest. This tells me that your husband's mind and feelings are more with the other woman then they are with you. He may love you but he is romantically IN Love with the OW. I doubt that he will leave you for her though. Men in their sixties don't typically leave their wives if their marriage is reasonably content. I guess you just need to decide if you can really be happy in a marriage where your husband is in love and pining for someone else.

 

 

Edit to add that I see you're also posting on that song thread. All of your song choices seem to be about your husband while your husband's choices seem to be about the OW. How do you feel about that?

Edited July 21, 2018 by anika99

[LilithD]

I want to thank all who responded with compassionate consideration to the emotional matter I brought to your attention. I really expected to be harshly judged for doing so. But I still don't think we're on the same page as my husband and I have managed to be since this troubling ordeal began. That's okay though, because I'm sure at least some of you are bringing a lot of pain from your own interpersonal conflicts to the table.

 

As for "Men in their sixties" not "typically" leaving their wives. It would be a huge mistake on my part to underestimate my husband regarding this matter. He is definitely not a typical older man. He just flat-out told me if he intended to leave me for someone else he would just do it. And I know there would be absolutely nothing I could do or say to prevent the man who means everything to me from walking out the door. I would be devastated if this should ever occur. But my husband is far more devoted to me than either of us were apparently able to convey in this thread. I know in my heart he would never deliberately hurt me. His signature line says it all.

 

I am well-aware of the songs Garlend posts in the music thread. If you really pay attention, there are very meaninful songs he dedicates to me just as I do him. And yes, he does still love my friend very much as she does him. She, among other friends will be joining us this coming Tuesday evening for our bi-weekly 'gathering' we host within our beautifully landscaped private sanctuary.

 

As a singer, I used to make the nightclub circuit singing romantic songs that included the 'cheating' variety. I recently posted some of these songs on another forum and was accused of being a whore and an adultress for doing so.

 

Listening to songs with meaningful lyrics are a way of working through feelings, which Garlend needs to continue doing to successfully cope with what he is struggling to overcome.

 

Thanks again for expressing your concern for both of us.

[Art_Critic]

I know in my heart he would never deliberately hurt me.

 

Of course not, I can't think of any married partners that would... However...

 

Once that pain is brought to the surface of the relationship and is front and center to the discussion if he continues to do it he then is doing so deliberately and with the intent of hurting the one he says he loves instead of protecting the one he professes to love.

 

There is no past that is coloring my judgment, I see your pain and also see you excusing him when you shouldn't.

You are allowing him to degrade the marriage and your feelings when you make excuses for him, you mentioned you can't control him and what he does and he could leave you at any time, well.. you should show him the same.

 

BTW, it seems he has positioned himself to you that he is hurting also.. If I were you I would learn to look past that part of his gaslighting and see the truth.

 

What do you think the resolution is ? Why do you think he is still hurting you ?

[anika99]

I want to thank all who responded with compassionate consideration to the emotional matter I brought to your attention. I really expected to be harshly judged for doing so. But I still don't think we're on the same page as my husband and I have managed to be since this troubling ordeal began. That's okay though, because I'm sure at least some of you are bringing a lot of pain from your own interpersonal conflicts to the table.

 

As for "Men in their sixties" not "typically" leaving their wives. It would be a huge mistake on my part to underestimate my husband regarding this matter. He is definitely not a typical older man. He just flat-out told me if he intended to leave me for someone else he would just do it. And I know there would be absolutely nothing I could do or say to prevent the man who means everything to me from walking out the door. I would be devastated if this should ever occur. But my husband is far more devoted to me than either of us were apparently able to convey in this thread. I know in my heart he would never deliberately hurt me. His signature line says it all.

 

I am well-aware of the songs Garlend posts in the music thread. If you really pay attention, there are very meaninful songs he dedicates to me just as I do him. And yes, he does still love my friend very much as she does him. She, among other friends will be joining us this coming Tuesday evening for our bi-weekly 'gathering' we host within our beautifully landscaped private sanctuary.

 

As a singer, I used to make the nightclub circuit singing romantic songs that included the 'cheating' variety. I recently posted some of these songs on another forum and was accused of being a whore and an adultress for doing so.

 

Listening to songs with meaningful lyrics are a way of working through feelings, which Garlend needs to continue doing to successfully cope with what he is struggling to overcome.

 

Thanks again for expressing your concern for both of us.

 

Okay then. Your question in your opening post was along the lines of do we think you are handling this correctly. I do not and I'm not projecting my personal conflicts onto yours. I'm not a betrayed spouse and I've never played a role in any extra marital affair. I just think I'm an outsider who can be more objective because I'm not emotionally invested in your situation.

 

Of course your husband would leave you for another woman if that's what he wants My point was that it's not likely that he wants that. Why would he leave his loving wife of many years to go be with an unstable self destructive younger woman? Of course that would never turn into a successful long term relationship.

 

But it sounds like you're all good. All three of you are just fine even though you are hurting and your husband and friend are in therapy and on medication. I'm very confused as to why all of you are so determined to keep this up but different strokes for different folks.

 

Common sense tells me that your husband and your friend are not going to get over each other until they stop seeing each other. Ive had to get over men I've loved and I couldn't do it as long as I was in any kind of contact with them. No contact was necessary to give me perspective and objectivity. You said something in a prior post about not wanting to get jealous or demanding because that might cause you to lose your husband and your friend to each other. That you see that as a possibility indicates that you don't feel as sure of your husbands devotion to you as you claim. It also indicates that you are making your choices from a place of fear.

 

I wish you well and hope this works out the way you hope it does.

[LilithD]

I keep reading "extra-marital affair", and "emotional affair" in your otherwise considerate responses. I don't understand this.

 

Garlend never engaged in any such sordid behavior with my friend. He didn't even realize he had fallen in love with her last year until I intuitively observed his unusual behavior at the time indicating he had. Sure, initially, I was scared and hurt by this realization, but I know he never did more than hug her affectionately, because I know he would never take advantage of this troubled young lady, even though she made numerous advances to him, which did anger me, but I kept my control because he always refused her attempts to seduce him. She no longer does this that I'm aware of. I think she got the message.

 

Last night at our social function, Garlend suffered an anxiety attack soon after this particular friend arrived, because she was behaving really strange around him. He walked out in anger to sit alone on our private patio until another young lady had a private chat with him, and hugged him, which calmed him down. He then returned to enjoy the rest of the evening with everyone including the one who upset him.

 

Yes, this is the story of our lives, because my husband suffered a tragic loss during the Spring of 2017 that forever changed him. He is not a heartless philanderer. On the contrary. He is much too tender hearted these days. But I love and respect him so much more now because of it.

 

Anyway, neither Garlend or I turn our backs on those we care about until they completely give-up on themselves.

[Art_Critic]

I keep reading "extra-marital affair", and "emotional affair" in your otherwise considerate responses. I don't understand this.

 

What he has done is the very definition of those types of affairs... okay.. if he is to be believed then it isn't a sordid physical affair but it certainly is an emotional affair and an extra-marital affair...

 

If he isn't engaged in an affair with her then why is it damaging to your marriage ? and what is it ? a friendship.. those don't mess with the emotions between the partners of a marriage.

 

I think one of the stopping blocks you are facing in this realization is the gaslighting he is doing is messing with your head...

 

You need to take a more proactive stance and expect him to end this affair... if you do then the healing can begin and you both can work on staying married, as it stands now if this continues he will still be taking advantage of your past baggage in order to carry on his affair and get his ego stroked so he can feel fulfilled by another woman.

 

Lillith.. I'm not a big poster in the infidelity forums but your story stuck me because it matches so much with what my father did to my 2 mothers.. my heart goes out to you.

 

While his affairs were mostly physical affairs he had emotional affairs on them as well, he also gaslighted them and they sounded just like you do today...

I would hope you can get some help in order to see the damage he is doing.. I'm not saying throw him out, I'm saying he needs to end the affair in order for the healing to begin.

[LilithD]

As far as a physical affair, I know there never was one. We have been together for too long for me not to know.

 

Looking back on this confusing situation, I believe we were in a rut, and had drifted apart somewhat. Get up and go to work. Come home, fix dinner etc.. So, to help break the monotony, we started occasionally having friends, family, and co-workers over. It was then that this "affair" as you put it took place.

 

Due to a death in the family, my husband was in a very depressed emotional state at the time. He needed to replace the loss he was feeling, so he turned that concern to her, because she was so mixed-up, drinking too much, not really caring what she did to herself. He wanted to help her get back on the right track.

 

This is how this unrequited romance innocently started, and led to so much emotional anguish. His "ego" had no part in this.

 

To be perfectly honest, even with the mixed feelings in all of this, it has brought us so much closer together. And she is actually recovering somewhat lately from her self-destructive conduct.

 

I really don't think any of us can be blamed for what occurred.

[Art_Critic]

I really don't think any of us can be blamed for what occurred.

 

Okay, now that it occurred why is it continuing ?

 

He is to blame for letting the pain continue now that this was brought to light and he is also to blame for gaslighting you and using your past baggage against you so he can allow the affair or non-affair to continue.

 

Why are you not sticking up for yourself and the marriage in this point ? he should stop it.. period...

 

Unless of course you want to settle for your man having 2 women, which some people can do.

In that case then you need to discuss the idea of an open marriage and work from there.

[LilithD]

Okay, now that it occurred why is it continuing ?

 

He is to blame for letting the pain continue now that this was brought to light and he is also to blame for gaslighting you and using your past baggage against you so he can allow the affair or non-affair to continue.

 

Why are you not sticking up for yourself and the marriage in this point ? he should stop it.. period...

 

Unless of course you want to settle for your man having 2 women, which some people can do.

In that case then you need to discuss the idea of an open marriage and work from there.

 

I think my hubby likes the idea of an open marriage. But I'm just too greedy. I want my man to only be mine. I don't want to share him with anyone else.

 

My friend is just going to have to find her own hubby. She is very attractive. So if she continues to get her life together, she will not have any problem sorting through the men who want her to find the right one for her. But she can't have the man I love and who does love me... I draw the line there.

 

I'm little, but fierce.

[Garlend]

Yes, I'm such a terrible husband for allowing a platonic relationship to evolve into an "emotional affair".

 

As if I intentionally caused all of this heartache and misery to occur. I'm neither a masochist or a sadist. And I do have a moral compass to guide me or I would have already bedded this seductive vixen with no concern for anyone or anything except my own gratification, and huge psychological relief, I must add.

 

This emotional roller coaster ride hit me in the heart like a sniper's bullet, because I was vulnerable at the time. And it nearly cost me my sanity.

 

Thankfully, I've learned how to cope with my feelings over time. I no longer use meds, or undergo therapy. But I will always quietly share special feelings with this other woman who moves me so much. Even though I feel like strangling her (figuratively, of course) sometimes because she is so judgement impaired.

 

For example, she managed to get three DUI convictions. And she got together with some jerk we both knew would end-up abusing her until he was finally arrested for other crimes. She used to drink way too much until she developed GI problems that I warned her would happen.

 

The fact is she is basically a good person, is academically intelligent, and a really competent employee. And I want her to have a much better and happier life than the one she's leading now rather I can ever make that happen or not. At least she knows I will be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on. If that is so wrong, than I don't want to be right.

[Art_Critic]

This emotional roller coaster ride hit me in the heart like a sniper's bullet, because I was vulnerable at the time. And it nearly cost me my sanity.

 

 

You speak of you, yourself and your heart, what about your wife's heart ?

 

If she is the love of your life then why are you not putting her first, protecting her, why are you seeking to fill an emotional void with another rather than with your spouse ?

 

You mock the idea of an emotional affair because you are involved in one, you roll your eyes at the idea that I see it for what it is but then you post about yourself, how about dealing with the hurt and pain you have caused your wife..

 

I wish you both the best, you both had something wonderful and it went down the wrong road, now is the time to turn the car around and fix it rather than let self centeredness put a nail in it's coffin.

 

Hopefully you both can take some wisdom in the words and the posts in this thread...

 

All the best

~Art

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

At least she knows I will be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on. If that is so wrong, than I don't want to be right.

 

What a terrible cliche. Translated: If that is that honoring my marriage vows (and thus, my wife), then I don't want to honor my marriage vows (and thus, my wife). Why not?

[FMW]

LilithD, if you are ok with things now then that's all that matters.

 

But I feel physically ill reading Garlend's posts here, and just sad reading your acceptance and seeming gratitude that he's not actually running off with her.

[anika99]

As far as a physical affair, I know there never was one. We have been together for too long for me not to know.

 

Looking back on this confusing situation, I believe we were in a rut, and had drifted apart somewhat. Get up and go to work. Come home, fix dinner etc.. So, to help break the monotony, we started occasionally having friends, family, and co-workers over. It was then that this "affair" as you put it took place.

 

Due to a death in the family, my husband was in a very depressed emotional state at the time. He needed to replace the loss he was feeling, so he turned that concern to her, because she was so mixed-up, drinking too much, not really caring what she did to herself. He wanted to help her get back on the right track.

 

This is how this unrequited romance innocently started, and led to so much emotional anguish. His "ego" had no part in this.

 

To be perfectly honest, even with the mixed feelings in all of this, it has brought us so much closer together. And she is actually recovering somewhat lately from her self-destructive conduct.

 

I really don't think any of us can be blamed for what occurred.

 

 

First of all its not an unrequited romance. Your husband has feelings for your friend and she has feelings for him so their feelings are mutual not unrequited and that makes this an emotional affair. But you and your husband keep saying its not a problem so alright then. You two are entitled to have whatever kind of marriage you agree to. You don't have to have the whole world agree with you. I don't happen to agree with your perception, I think you are putting this friend above the good of yourself, your marriage, and even the good of your husband but what does that matter if you're happy? Just go be happy.

[OatsAndHall]

Let's move past all of the verbiage and overly dramatic jargon that is coming from three sides here and get to the point. The husband's relationship with the co-worker is hurting his wife and his marriage. As such, this relationship should have ended. If an action is causing your SO pain and confusion, then it needs to stop.

 

 

 

So, simply put, Garlend, think about your wife and cut off contact with the "vixen".

[LilithD]

First of all, I'm not a "drama queen". So please can the thread killing act. I started this topic to learn what others think about our unique situation. If you just want to hate on us, then your posts should be deleted by a moderator.

 

So, essentially, some of you are telling me that when two people get married they cut themselves off from everyone else and just concern themselves with doing their own thing inside the little boxes we call home after shedding our blood, sweat, and tears at work to make the rich folk richer. And to hell with everyone else?

 

And you think Garlend is a no good SOB because he fell in love with a very troubled friend of mine. I'll have you know Garlend is a wonderful human being with a badly scarred heart from previous encounters with women who used and abused him. But he never degenerated into a mysoginist.

 

Garlend and I have been through hell in every sense of the word, both before and after we met and became husband and wife. I realize that one day one of us will wake-up alone because the other one passed away. And we will mourn for them, as we try to journey on alone in this cold, calculating world where love takes a backseat to economics.

 

Seriously, some of you who responded appear to have personal issues that need to be resolved before you start casting stones.

[anika99]

So, essentially, some of you are telling me that when two people get married they cut themselves off from everyone else and just concern themselves with doing their own thing inside the little boxes we call home after shedding our blood, sweat, and tears at work to make the rich folk richer. And to hell with everyone else?

 

You are twisting people's words to create a strawman argument in order to deflect and avoid the legitimate opinions you have been given. Nobody has said anything even remotely close to what you claim above and you know it. Are you willing to have a reasonable conversation?

[LilithD]

You are twisting people's words to create a strawman argument in order to deflect and avoid the legitimate opinions you have been given. Nobody has said anything even remotely close to what you claim above and you know it. Are you willing to have a reasonable conversation?

 

I'm not deliberately "twisting people's words" to create anything.

 

I have been "reasonable" throughout this thread, and in the real world where I do think I have been too reasonable at times. But that is where my heart is at stake. So I can't just start expressing emotional outrage, and making demands on those I don't want to alienate, or possibly abandon me.

 

I do appreciate the sensible advice and suggestions some of you have proposed. It has provided me with food for thought; as well as my stubborn husband.