Move or not move with her ?

[HardChoice]

Hey guys,

 

I have a serious matter and I don't know what to decide. I will make a long story short.

 

I am living together with my girlfriend since 12 months. Actually we moved together only after 4 weeks of dating to save money. I recently finished my study and got my absolute favorite job. I have to say, that I just got the chance for the job due to my internship which I made within the company (I studied business but I am now working in IT). On the other hand my, girlfriend also graduaded but unfortunately can't find a job in our area and only gets rejections. She studied something really specific.

 

The point is, that she got a job offer about about 300 miles away from our home town and she considers moving there.

 

On the one hand, I love her - She is beautiful, smart and a in general a really good girl.

 

But on the other hand - She is damn insecure. She was raised in a violent household and moved out when she was 15. The point is, we argue a lot - there is a lot of drama in the relationship.

- I go out with friends without her -> Drama.

- I forget something to do for her -> Drama.

- I am texting with friends, she wants attention -> Drama.

- We almost broke up already two times.

- She sometimes tries to make me jealous, I react cool but well anyway. Huge turnoff.

- I text her 2 hours later -> Drama.

- She wants to do everything together.

- She needs constant attention and cuddling.

- Leaving her all day alone home (and of course paying all bills), would drive her crazy and I could not do anything else after work after she spent all day home alone.

 

I am afraid that if I move with her - leaving job, friends and family - that I might regret it a lot. That she might use her "Power" to push boundries there.

 

I suppose the decision is a no brainer - but my mind and my heart tell me two different things. I am too deep into that stuff already emotionally.

 

Therefore guys & girls: Please advice.

Edited July 5, 2018 by HardChoice

[d0nnivain]

It's easy to get a new GF. It's hard to get a new job. Chose wisely.

 

With all the drama you mentioned I'd chalk this up to just one of those things that was fun while it lasted.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's easy to get a new GF. It's hard to get a new job. Chose wisely.

 

With all the drama you mentioned I'd chalk this up to just one of those things that was fun while it lasted.

 

Bingo.

 

And OP, why isn't she as committed to you as you seem to be to her? The other side of your decision to move would be her decision to stay. So maybe her leaving would tell you all you need to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[central]

In your case, OP, it would be easier to find a new - and probably more compatible and stable - gf, than it would be to move and find as good a job.

 

Sometimes, someone is so extraordinary and compatible, that it is worth taking such risks. This is not one of those times.

 

After leaving my ex, I dated a lot, and many were wonderful. One in particular was almost worth uprooting everything for, and moving half-way around the world. Almost. Because I met someone else who was only 100 miles away, and she was (and still is 18 years later!) worth making major life changes so we could be together. I was able to make changes to my job, and move so we could live together (after spending enough time together to be sure of my decision, first). Many more major changes followed, but it has all been worth it. Few are, though, in my experience, and opinion.

[HardChoice]

Thanks a lot for the replies.

 

Well, that was just a little bit of the drama not to mention her jealousy when I talk to another girl.

 

My gut is telling me to stay as it is so uncertain but on the other hand I feel sorry for her past that people ler her down. But I don't know why she touches me so emotionally - is it her vulnerability or the beauty ? I don't know.

 

Once I spent a semester abroad in Florida and she saw pics on my phone with me and kissing some girls. Drama.

 

She believes in some kind of 'merging' together. At the beginning I felt flattered but somehow now it gets more or less draining. But when everything is fine, she is a great girlfriend and exciting.

 

Please more posts.

[Happy Lemming]

I recently finished my study and got my absolute favorite job.

 

I've only had one job where I can say I was really, really happy. It was my dream job, in every aspect.

 

I've dated LOTS of women, they come, they go...

 

Getting an "absolute favorite job" is a once in a lifetime chance. I vote you stay and keep this fantastic job.

 

Just my two cents....

[darkmoon]

"people that let her down" or is that people who had to escape from her dramas for their own sanity? she seems to have you enmeshed...

[PegNosePete]

on the other hand I feel sorry for her past that people ler her down.

You are not a white knight in shining armour. No-one is! You should not sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's.

 

This relationship sounds terrible. All that drama. I feel sorry for her, having a bad past, but I wouldn't date someone like her. She needs to get her head to a better place, where she can be a normal relationship with a normal partner.

 

Moving so far away and uprooting your life for such an unstable relationship would be a really bad idea.

[BaileyB]

There is absolutely no way that I want to live in a house with that much drama...

 

I would be choosing to stay in my job, and I'd be looking for another girlfriend.

[Downtown]

HC, the strong jealousy -- together with her repeated efforts to isolate you away from your friends -- are warning signs for a strong fear of abandonment. That strong fear is one of the hallmarks for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., love of drama, insecurity, irrational jealousy, controlling demands, temper tantrums, needing constant attention, verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to satisfy the diagnostic threshold.

 

She believes in some kind of 'merging' together. At the beginning I felt flattered but somehow now it gets more or less draining.

If she really is a BPDer, she has such a fragile unstable self image that she has virtually no personal boundaries. This means that, in a close relationship with you, she often is unable to tell where her own problems/feelings leave off and yours begin.

 

This is why BPDers quickly develop an unhealthy enmeshment with their partners. They rely on the partner to provide the grounding, sense of direction, and strong self identity that are missing from their own lives. But when the partners do exactly that, the BPDers quickly become resentful because they feel like they are being "controlled" and dominated by the partner's strong personality.

 

Leaving her all day alone home... would drive her crazy.

Because a BPDer has such a fragile weak self identity, she likely will absolutely HATE being alone. She doesn't even have a strong "self" to keep herself company. As noted above, a BPDer -- like a young child -- sorely needs a mature adult around to provide the grounding and sense of direction she lacks.

 

I don't know why she touches me so emotionally - is it her vulnerability or the beauty ? I don't know.

I don't know either. But I can tell you that, if she is a BPDer, she likely will be very VERY easy to fall in love with. Because a BPDer has the emotional development of a young child, she likely will exhibit the emotional intensity, vulnerability, warmth, exuberance, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children.

 

This is why people generally find most BPDers so attractive and appealing. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Please advice.

If you ever feel inclined to follow this young woman to another city, I would strongly recommend that you immediately see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong irrational jealousy, controlling actions, and rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic relationship and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, HC.

[S2B]

Thanks a lot for the replies.

 

Well, that was just a little bit of the drama not to mention her jealousy when I talk to another girl.

 

My gut is telling me to stay as it is so uncertain but on the other hand I feel sorry for her past that people ler her down. But I don't know why she touches me so emotionally - is it her vulnerability or the beauty ? I don't know.

 

Once I spent a semester abroad in Florida and she saw pics on my phone with me and kissing some girls. Drama.

 

She believes in some kind of 'merging' together. At the beginning I felt flattered but somehow now it gets more or less draining. But when everything is fine, she is a great girlfriend and exciting.

 

Please more posts.

 

Ya, don't move with her.

 

Keep your job you love.

 

Either she can find a job where you are or she can leave.

 

Having her leave would be doing you a favor - long term.

 

 

Anyone can find a job when they want to. She must not be willing to work any job! Something is better than nothing!

 

Why is she expecting you to pay for everything? Why is t she busy everyday looking for any work, at least to contribute to expenses?

 

You'd be better off without the drama! Life is too short!

 

Did you have drama growing up? Does this drama seem normal to you?

[HardChoice]

Hey guys,

 

first of all - thank you a lot for the advices. You are telling what my gut is saying to me -- stay.

 

And sorry for the late reply, as she is 24/7 next to me, it's difficult to login (we are living in a one-room appartment) and right now she takes a bath.

 

I also consindered her to be BPD - at least, a quite one. Or maybe she is just emotional unstable ?

 

Just another example:

As being a really jealous person i.e. me talking or laughing with another girl, she would consider as 'flirting' and saying 'Well, now I will do the same.'.

A few days ago we rent my appartment via AirBnB and she handed over the keys while I was at work.

 

She sended me a picture of him.

 

She:'Oh, look a latino'.

Me:'Ah, ok. And now ? Why are you send me a pic ? Do you want to tell me that he looks good ?'

She:'Yeah, he is nice looking'.

 

Normally - not a big deal but in contrast to her paranoia me LOOKING at a girl, this was ridiculous.

 

I could easily list a lof of these examples. Somehow - I don't know how she is doing it, but she always gets in troubles.

 

Driving with her sister to her to the shopping male -> Argued with her sister -> Her sister kicked her out of the car and I had to pick her up.

 

Forgetting Keys -> Locked herself out of the appartment.

 

Driving on the highway -> tire blew up.

 

Forgetting the eggs in the kitchen while going to the gym -> Fire department has been called.

 

Somehow it is like in a movie a bit. If she switches into the cuddle mode:

She (half asleep):"I know I am not easy I know, someday will you leave me.... You will say you go to work but you will never return , I am always causing trouble".

 

Indeed, she causes troubles. Never thought that such a hot and smart girl could make such a mess.

[snowboy91]

On the one hand, I love her - She is beautiful, smart and a in general a really good girl.

 

But on the other hand - She is damn insecure. She was raised in a violent household and moved out when she was 15. The point is, we argue a lot - there is a lot of drama in the relationship.

- I go out with friends without her -> Drama.

- I forget something to do for her -> Drama.

- I am texting with friends, she wants attention -> Drama.

- We almost broke up already two times.

- She sometimes tries to make me jealous, I react cool but well anyway. Huge turnoff.

- I text her 2 hours later -> Drama.

- She wants to do everything together.

- She needs constant attention and cuddling.

- Leaving her all day alone home (and of course paying all bills), would drive her crazy and I could not do anything else after work after she spent all day home alone.

 

 

Here's your list - you have 1 generic positive up against a number of more specific negatives. To be honest, the amount of drama you have to deal with sounds exhausting. Do you really see yourself dealing with that drama for the rest of your life? If not, then you need to consider leaving. As much as it may hurt her, she is the one who needs to do the work to get herself in a good head space, and you can't do that for her.

[Logo]

Past relationships and life experience taught me that relationships come and go, friends come and go, and my job is my priority.

 

Also, whenever I used to make decisions based on romantic relationships, those decisions weren’t ideal, to say the least.

 

I have yet to meet the woman who would prove me wrong. Although I hope to, one of these days.

[HardChoice]

Here's your list - you have 1 generic positive up against a number of more specific negatives. To be honest, the amount of drama you have to deal with sounds exhausting. Do you really see yourself dealing with that drama for the rest of your life? If not, then you need to consider leaving. As much as it may hurt her, she is the one who needs to do the work to get herself in a good head space, and you can't do that for her.

 

Absolutely. I have to admit - althrough I grew up in a protected & well cared home (no screms, only a little argues) - that I need a little bit of drama to keep me excited.

 

But I suppose, this kind of drama blows up all poportions, isn't it ?

 

Also quite surprising - before meeting me, she was married to a guy in the same town. Although she is already living more than 10 (years!), she never developed an own social network. I met her straight-gay male best friend once and her sister. That's all - within one year.

Edited July 8, 2018 by HardChoice

[PegNosePete]

She:'Oh, look a latino'.

Me:'Ah, ok. And now ? Why are you send me a pic ? Do you want to tell me that he looks good ?'

She:'Yeah, he is nice looking'.

My goodness. My response to this would be insta-dump! She is utterly disrespectful to you and your relationship. You need to get out of this, before you get psychologically damaged. This is not normal behaviour and not a normal relationship but you're becoming accustomed to it.

 

Get out now before you waste any more of your youth on this doomed relationship!

 

Never thought that such a hot and smart girl could make such a mess.

Oh absolutely. Because the dumb or ugly ones couldn't get away with that kind of behaviour!!

[HardChoice]

Thanks a lot for the advices.

 

Maybe some more flags:

- She argued as bad with her sister that her sister kicked her out of the car in nowhere

- Bad relationship with a mother and well a distanced to her dad. Her mother hates her dad and her dad hates her mother.

- Hardly contact to her brother

- Has debts

- Still married

- Was with a girlfriend in vacction but they had such an outblow that she never spoke with her again

 

Run or Run ?

[Els]

I think both of you have just grown apart. The unemployment probably led to her being needy and clingy, but now she has the chance to be employed. She should go to her new job, and you should probably stay where you are. Both of you should break up.

 

 

 

Once I spent a semester abroad in Florida and she saw pics on my phone with me and kissing some girls. Drama.

 

 

Errr, while I don't condone your gf's other behaviour, you generally don't want to keep photos like this around when you're in a LTR. How would you feel if you saw photos in your gf's phone of her kissing other guys?

[HardChoice]

I think both of you have just grown apart. The unemployment probably led to her being needy and clingy, but now she has the chance to be employed. She should go to her new job, and you should probably stay where you are. Both of you should break up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Errr, while I don't condone your gf's other behaviour, you generally don't want to keep photos like this around when you're in a LTR. How would you feel if you saw photos in your gf's phone of her kissing other guys?

 

Acutally, we are both students and I am doing an internship

[O'Malley]

This is a normal breakup to experience. I'd continue with your internship and support her decision to relocate for her career. You can care about each other, but this relationship has obviously run its course and you're both at the right stage to enjoy independence before even considering making sacrifices for any future relationship. Try to end things without recriminations.

[HardChoice]

I think both of you have just grown apart. The unemployment probably led to her being needy and clingy, but now she has the chance to be employed. She should go to her new job, and you should probably stay where you are. Both of you should break up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Errr, while I don't condone your gf's other behaviour, you generally don't want to keep photos like this around when you're in a LTR. How would you feel if you saw photos in your gf's phone of her kissing other guys?

 

 

I totally agree with you but should I have deleted these photos ? They were a part of my past. I love her a lot and she loves me but sometimes I have the feeling that it tears me apart - handling her, my internship and my thesis.

 

I mean - if I don't touch her trigger - everything is fine, when I spend time with her, everything is fine but once I go out and she is bored from writing her thesis, it's like with a small girl who needs entertainment.

 

Oh, you never brought me flowers! Oh, you are always busy with your internship & thesis. We never do something nice together - indeed the only thing we do is talking walks and relaxing together but I mean - what do others couple do all the time ? I am in a difficult situation - going from university into my first job and she as well but somehow I sometimes have the impression that I need to live two lifes - keeping my life on track and hers.

 

I am just afraid that once we move together into the other location that things might change. I mean she always tries to get my attention, never meets anybody nor does need anybody besides me. Although living together, we texted over 400 Whatsapp DIN-A4 pages within that time.

Edited July 10, 2018 by HardChoice

[d0nnivain]

Thanks a lot for the advices.

 

Maybe some more flags:

- She argued as bad with her sister that her sister kicked her out of the car in nowhere

- Bad relationship with a mother and well a distanced to her dad. Her mother hates her dad and her dad hates her mother.

- Hardly contact to her brother

- Has debts

- Still married

- Was with a girlfriend in vacction but they had such an outblow that she never spoke with her again

 

Run or Run ?

 

What goes faster then run? Take a rocket ship away from this mess. Do not move in!

[HardChoice]

What goes faster then run? Take a rocket ship away from this mess. Do not move in!

 

Well, I see all other things as red flags but why especially the married stuff ?

 

I mean, she was together with that guy for 9 years.

[d0nnivain]

You said she is still married to somebody else. You don't want to be living with her while she finalizes her divorce. It's just a bad plan.

 

All of the things you mentioned are reasons to bail. Her being married to somebody else is just reason #1.

[HardChoice]

You said she is still married to somebody else. You don't want to be living with her while she finalizes her divorce. It's just a bad plan.

 

All of the things you mentioned are reasons to bail. Her being married to somebody else is just reason #1.

 

You are right - somehow I got to deep into it, too much financially dependent on her first and now emotionally.

 

I never had that before. I also was never a jealous guy - but due all the talk about jealousy, cheating with her I slowly get jealous.

 

One time I was out with colleagues in a club - she tried to call me, left me 5 Whatsapp messages, asking where I am and to send my location.

 

Now I am doing the same to her - to show her, how silly and destructive such kind of action is but she only gets pissed.

 

You know - I don't get that double standards.

 

We were recently talking about 'getting attention' - I told her, that it is quite normal to test the own 'market value' from time to time and flattering and that she can do that if she wants / need it. She agreed but only for her - not for me.