Being asked to do things for each other in a relationship

[fredflint]

How do people here handle the situation where your partner asks you to do something they can easily do for themselves? I'm talking specifically about the situation where it's going to be just/almost as much effort for you to do it for them, as it is for them to do it themselves.

 

Example: Can you make me a sandwich?

 

Interested in a discussion about different perspectives on the best way to handle this in a relationship.

[MuddyFootprints]

While I'm up, do you want anything? While you're up, would you please...?

 

Sometimes there is a sit - off. I usually lose.

[vanhalenfan]

I don't see the big deal...You do things for those you love. Such as your example of making a sandwich. It's the little things that do matter Now, if it was ALL the time, that would be something else...

[fredflint]

I don't see the big deal...You do things for those you love. Such as your example of making a sandwich. It's the little things that do matter Now, if it was ALL the time, that would be something else...

 

My point is that sometimes these will seem like unreasonable and disrespectful requests because they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. It seems to me that it is disrespectful to ask someone for help when you don't need help.

[Mr. Lucky]

Interested in a discussion about different perspectives on the best way to handle this in a relationship.

 

I have leaned there are certain things my wife simply isn't going to do. For instance, she'll let a door fall off the hinges before she'll get a wrench or driver and tighten it down. It's not right or wrong - it just is. And being honest, the same applies to me. In all my years, I've never sent a Christmas or birthday card though I do enjoy receiving them. Such is life.

 

Example: Can you make me a sandwich?

 

Things like this falling in the overlap zone, we both take the opportunity to show we care. Actions speak louder than words and these little acts of service are great ways to say "I love you". I don't think either of us have ever said "no" to such a request...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

We don't tend to ask each other that stuff, although if I'm sitting on the couch & he's pouring himself a cold drink I have said Gee that looks good; please pour me one too. I'd never ask him to come in from another room or stop was he was doing to wait on me. All bets are off if I'm sick, but your Q specifically talked about things I can do for myself.

 

If I'm multi-tasking, I may ask him to do a particular chore because I have my hands full. I have taken to asking him to do things when I'm cooking . . . can you stir this, chop that or set the table but that is more about me looking for a more equitable division of labor.

[basil67]

I only ask him to make me a sandwich if he's making one for himself. For some reason, he never thinks to offer to make an extra one for me. (I always offer to make one for him if I'm making my own sandwich).

 

If he's floating around in the kitchen already, I may ask him to put the kettle on for a cup of tea.

[d0nnivain]

I only ask him to make me a sandwich if he's making one for himself. For some reason, he never thinks to offer to make an extra one for me. (I always offer to make one for him if I'm making my own sandwich).

 

 

My husband is like that too. I always offer but he never does. I have taken to saying, Yes, I'd love a sandwich; thanks for much for asking. He's getting better.

[Els]

How do people here handle the situation where your partner asks you to do something they can easily do for themselves? I'm talking specifically about the situation where it's going to be just/almost as much effort for you to do it for them, as it is for them to do it themselves.

 

Example: Can you make me a sandwich?

 

Interested in a discussion about different perspectives on the best way to handle this in a relationship.

 

I suppose I'd ask them teasingly, "Oh? Did you just lose your hand?" or something along those lines.

 

Honestly, this isn't a situation that comes up often for us. We do occasionally ask each other to do things, but never anything that is "equally easy" for both. Generally we only ask for things that either (1) we really need help with, (2) the other person is much better at doing, or (3) it is much more convenient for them to do it, e.g. someone picking up something if they're already at the store, or getting an extra drink while they're already at the fridge.

 

I really wonder what sort of person would literally ask their partner to make them a sandwich if they're lounging around in the same area.

 

Doing little things for each other of our own accord, though? Plenty. But never asking.

[Gaeta]

Do you have specific examples?

 

 

Yes we both do it but we don't exaggerate. Example he'll say he'd love a piece of pie and I am happy to get him one. On the other end sometimes I will ask him if he can get something in the car for me.

[Art_Critic]

I don't think we do too much of it, more along the lines of when I'm on my way home and getting dinner she will says something like " we need milk" and I'm okay with it, then she adds like 5 other items to it and all of a sudden I'm grocery shopping.

 

I normally will tell her "you can get this or that tomorrow.. no time today"

 

I can't think of anything else .. just when I'm on my way home type of thing..

[preraph]

I don't feel romantic towards people who are looking for a servant. I don't intend to spend my life that way.

 

It's nice if someone is getting themselves a drink that they offer you one while they're up. Asking people to wait on you is stupid and sounds like a power play to me OR someone who wants you to be their parent. Neither one is healthy. I'd run.

[No_Go]

I hate asking people doing things for me.

 

Thankfully I found a man who does things when he feels I need them without me asking. E.g. if he stops to get himself a sandwich on the way to my place, he gets one for me too. I always keep in my fridge his favorite drinks (that I do not drink myself) in case he comes over etc. We always take care of each other’s pets without asking too, not too hard to assume if it’s hot they need a water bowl in the yard etc. If it is something bigger that needs to be done and he or I know how to do it, of course we do it for the other without prompting.

 

This picking of the needs of the other without asking I discovered is crucial for me to feel comfortable in a relationship. The less verbal hints necessary, the better. My past relationships without exception failed when they were so oblivious that I felt the need to write them long explanatory messages

[MissBee]

I don't have a problem with it, I generally like to do things for the person I'm with and for some people acts of service is a love language, meaning that's one of the ways they experience love as well for some that's how they show love, by doing things for people.

 

That said, as long as I am not being taken for granted where you don't ask nicely or you act like it's my duty, you're thankless about it or you don't ever reciprocate, I don't mind.