I’m triggered

[Leon20]

So I’ve been dating this new girl for about 4 months now, and things are going awesome. I’m 24 and she’s just turned 26, she’s nice and thoughtful and everything. nothings seriously wrong with her

 

My ex of 5 years cheated on me multiple times with the most recent being in Vegas 2016 where I posted on loveshack

 

But she also cheated on me again last year in July 2017 before we ultimately split (I was a stupid guy back then for staying with her after so many of you warned me)

 

Anyways my girlfriend now is going to vegas this weekend and I can’t help but feel so uneasy and triggered. I’m getting flashbacks of the pit feeling in my stomach from last year and reminants of the pain I felt from being cheated on :/ I don’ t want to assume she’s like my ex because she’s nothing like her I just don’t know how to shake this feeling.

 

I’m sure things will be fine she’s way more mature but also going with an all girl group like my ex did so I just think that is playing a part.

 

Any advice?

[smackie9]

Either you trust her or you don't. There isn't anything you can really do. Just saying but maybe it's still too soon to be in a relationship...you are still suffering from shell shock.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can totally understand how you would be triggered by this. I suggest just trying to keep busy while she's away and believe not ALL women on girls trips would do that. I just got back from a girls trip and nobody cheated on anybody. And several years ago our girls trip was to Vegas, and none of us did any cheating then either.

[Leon20]

Either you trust her or you don't. There isn't anything you can really do. Just saying but maybe it's still too soon to be in a relationship...you are still suffering from shell shock.

 

That is true Smackie9. I feel way over her since she was so volatile to me. But I can forsure take time to reasses. I feel good about this girl though

[d0nnivain]

Tell your present GF that you hope she has a great time but ask her to call you once or twice. Tell her what you told us that your last GF cheated on you in Vegas. Apologize that somebody else's behavior is making you nutty about her behavior but ask for her understanding & reassurance. A nice person will help you with this if you come at it from a vulnerable position not a controlling one i.e. help me vs. trying to tell her she can't go to Vegas.

[BaileyB]

Although I understand your anxiety, you must remember that not all women are the same. Just because your last girlfriend cheated, does not mean that your next girlfriend will also cheat.

 

Unfortunately, you picked the bad apple last time. If you have chosen more wisely with your current girlfriend, and it sounds like you have learned from that last experience, you should have nothing to worry about.

 

If you want to, tell your girlfriend about that experience and she will know to be more reassuring. Donnivain is right, if it comes from a place of vulnerability, she will respond accordingly. Just don't be too demanding... let her go and have fun with her friends.

 

Keep yourself busy. I'm sure that all will be well.

[d0nnivain]

As you talk to her about it, do something for her. Think about when you met, the day of the month. Give her $20 & ask her to bet on that # on a roulette table or find out where she is staying & send a bottle of champagne or some chocolate covered strawberries to her room.

[Happy Lemming]

The last time my girlfriend went on an "ALL GIRLS" trip to have fun, I gave her some extra money. I told her it was just a little extra "Mad Money" to have fun with and to enjoy herself.

 

I can't control what she does on her trip, so I'm not going to worry about it.

 

A wise gentleman once told me "Control the Controllables" If you can't control it, don't worry about it.

 

Wish her well, tell her to have fun... if you have a little extra money you can spare, give it to her and tell her to enjoy herself.

 

Just my two cents...

[Leon20]

Thank you all for your reply’s! You guys are the best. She has been calling and texting pretty frequently by herself without me bringing up my anxiety (I don’t wanna bring it up during her trip or make her feel bad/take away from her fun potentially).

 

Do you think I should let this go and deal with it on my own or talk to her about it? The anxiety this weekend did suck

[BaileyB]

What is there to deal with... she is on her trip now and she is demonstrating very responsible and considerate behavior. In other words, the weekend has passed and nothing happened which means, you've challenged your anxiety and that should feel pretty good!

 

You could most certainly tell her your past experience when she gets home, and thank her for calling and texting - tell her that it really helped you to feel less anxious. Then, she will know for next time that you trust her but she will be considerate in the future.

 

I'm sorry to say, if you are having ongoing issues with anxiety then it is your problem to solve. Don't make this new girl responsible for your anxiety or make her feel beholden to reassure you all the time... that is not fair to her and she will not like it.

 

Best wishes.

[d0nnivain]

Do you think I should let this go and deal with it on my own or talk to her about it? The anxiety this weekend did suck

 

If she is already on the trip & behaving faithfully by calling you & reach out, say nothing. Learn that she is different from your EX & behave accordingly. Unlike the last one, this woman is trustworthy. You learned to be suspicious. Now re-learn how to trust.

[Gaeta]

I would not tell her you're anxious because of a bad past experience. No need to. She is in vegas, you are doing great, this is you working out your issues! you have something to be proud of! This is your inner battle, not hers. Don't change the way she views you so early in the relationship by shedding your past issues on her.