How can I tell the difference between cheating and mental illness (ptsd)?

[Strawberrycake]

My dh was diagnosed with ptsd (years ago) and actually I have been worried that he could be cheating (last few months):

 

Here is what happened in the last few months:

 

*He has lost interest in sex

*Always used to work out a lot, but now became a fitness freak, works out all of the time

*Chats at three o‘clock in the night. I ask him why, he says he has nightmares, cannot sleep

*Sleeps at our home gym or at the couch instead of our bed

*barks orders at me and the children

*went away because of his job several times but did not call, did not answer his cell phone when I called

 

He said he is feeling very poorly.

 

I found a condom, he said he was using it to keep his cell phone dry and clean while jogging. Did some research there seem to be joggers who do it.

When at first I did not believe him he was very offended said I was not having his back when he needed my support the most.

I have discussed the topic with him again and again during the last two days. He says I must believe him he is telling the truth, that they use condoms for all kinds of purposes in the military and he got used to seeing them as tools not as condoms so to speak and that he did not think about how it must make a woman feel. He says he is not feeling well and needs my support and sorry about the condom but he did not do anything.

 

Actually he had lied to me before about other stuff such as losing his job... and I really want to support him but he has been acting so strangely lately and I find it difficult to fully trust him.

 

Thanks for reading.

[basil67]

The condom you found: was it open and 'clean'? If it was both open and clean, he may have been being honest. Though why not use a zip lock bag which can be used repeatedly?

 

As for the rest, it seems there are some significant issues going on...even with out the potential for cheating. Are you happy in the marriage? How do your kids feel about him? It can't be nice for any of you to be 'barked' at.

[BaileyB]

If he is having a hard time and suffering from ptsd, is he getting any help for that? Has he talked to his doctor or been for counselling?

[alphamale]

what's a "dh"? is it divorced husband?

[S2B]

My money is on "he's definitely cheating".

 

Proceed accordingly. When he realizes you're divorcing him he may actually think about how's he (hasn't been) participating in the marriage.

 

 

He's abandoned you and the marriage... so essentially he's showing with inaction that he doesn't intend to prticipate in the marriage anymore.

 

Yes, likely he's seeing someone else.either way you deserve to be treated better than what he's dishing out.

 

Kick him to the curb. When he realizes you're done he may improve. If he doesn't you'll be happy to be rid of someone treating you terribly.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't like the "you should be supportive" defense ... It's a very slick response ... because instead of reassuring you ... and standing up for his own integrity ... he's criticizing you ... putting you on the defensive for daring to be suspicious.

 

There are actually discussion forums out there dedicated to this topic of people with ptsd and partners of people with ptsd. Those might provide you more specific insight.

 

One reason I don't like the condom ... is that he could have easily told you ahead of time ... Hey hon, I use a condom for this purpose ... let me show you ...

 

Why wouldn't he do that?

 

I would say your suspicions are more than justified ...

 

You've got changes in his behavior ... he's working out a lot more ... and he's not sleeping in bed with you ... that's two HUGE changes ...And I assume he didn't discuss with you why he's exercising so hard.

 

And he's not reachable on trips ... That's three HUGE alarming behaviors. Actually not being reachable ... that's a piece of double-evidence right there.

 

And the condom.

 

Yeah ... start sharing with someone ... your girl friends, a therapist, whatever ... because you're gonna need to be strong and clear and confident to make sense of the confusing situation you are suddenly in in your marriage.

 

Don't just sulk ... and don't just shove your head in the sand.

 

Sorry to hear this .

[Mr. Lucky]

I found a condom, he said he was using it to keep his cell phone dry and clean while jogging. Did some research there seem to be joggers who do it.

 

I have seen runners and cyclists do this. It works better than the ziplock bag someone mentioned because you can more easily press keys and talk/hear through it.

 

Strawberrycake, even if he's not cheating, the disconnection is an obvious issue. What treatment is being sought?

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

what's a "dh"? is it divorced husband?

 

Darling or Dear Husband. Similar to DS (son) DD (daughter)

[BaileyB]

 

Strawberrycake, even if he's not cheating, the disconnection is an obvious issue. What treatment is being sought?

 

This.

 

Although, I would place money on the fact that he is cheating too. Sorry.

 

You would think, if he's not cheating, that he would be trying to reassure you. He's not doing that, which is what makes me think that there is something going on that you are not going to like...

[d0nnivain]

Since he lied to you before about something important, losing his job, I can see why your suspicions have been aroused. Given the other things like the 3 a.m. chats & not calling while he was away, I would ask to see his phone & or chat logs. I wouldn't put up with the silence while away. Ask for MC & suggest he talk to somebody about the PTSD. Not sleeping is part of the PTSD so there could be a reason for him choosing the couch not to disturb you; my husband has trouble sleeping too but none of the other factors you describe, which cut both ways, apply. I hope it is PTSD & not cheating but you do need to get to the bottom of it. Can you appear at the gym when he's working out or follow him while jogging?

[Strawberrycake]

The gym is in our home, he converted one of our rooms into a gym. We have a pretty big house so I was okay with that. So, no I am not supspecting he is meeting other people there but I feel he is using it to get away from us. He even sleeps there. I often come into to see what he is doing but he is only working out.

 

No, he did not discuss with me why he is exercising so hard. He always was a fitness freak and worked out a lot, but now it has become like an obsession.

 

Yes, he did seek help for his ptsd. He ist doing CBT and he is trying a medication... and it took so long to talk him into trying medication because he made a bad experience before. But apart from that he does not want any help. I thought it would be a good idea if he could talk to other men who have ptsd and tried to make him join a group but he did not want to.

 

I know the log for his phone. I often use it for example to take pictures cause it has a better camera then mine. Actually I have searched for something fishy but did not find anything. Only thing I found: one of his friends send him a picture of a woman in hot pants and a wet shirt cleaning a motorcycle with the words: You might like that. I confronted him about that and his silly excuse was that the friend must have been talking about the motorcycle. Yeah, sure. Have to stop now. Later more.

[Strawberrycake]

Continued: This friend who send him the picture is a bit of a spammer. He is out of work because of physical disability and I really think he is being bored because he sends dh tons of stuff, typically just funny pictures, pictures with inspirational quotes. Dh complained about guy being a spammer before but then he is his friend and dh sees he is being bored and I think he likes some of the things he sends him.

 

I have been on dh‘s computer, looked at the things he wrote on boards at night. Actually found only harmless stuff, posts on home repairs, cars, motorbikes, fitness... could not find anything fishy... but of course he only had to delete the cookies and I would not find it anymore.

 

He has been really uninterested in sex for the last few month. That is untypical of him... and... now comes something embarrassing... also often unable to have an orgasm *blush*. I asked if it was something about me. He said it was him, that because he was feeling down his body stopped working like it was supposed to.

He never initiates sex anymore and to be honest sometimes he just refuses when I initiated sex saying he was not in the mood, that is very untypical of him. Did not happen before in all the years of our marriage.

 

Yes, he did bark orders at me and the kids and on two occasions even yelled, but typically he is a gentle soul. Again that is really out of character. He has always been a neat freak, but now he has yelled that our home looks like a pig hole and he wants to have it cleaned in ten minutes and if we do not clean it he is gonna kick our ass and his gonna throw all our stuff away to teach us how to keep order. So unlike him, he never yelled at us before but then he was yelling at the top of his lungs, had a red head and looked scary, I was scared, kids were scared. He slammed the door, came back five minutes later to tell us how genuinely sorry he was. Bought the kids presents and apologized to them. Same things happened again a few days later. That was a month ago. Did not really yell at us after that again, but barked orders at us.

 

The kids love him a lot. He plays with them and takes them places, but less so in the last few month... but then we did some cool things as a family in the last few month, went hiking several times, went to a beach several times, went to a zoo.

 

He told me we mean the world to him and that he was not feeling well he had suicidal thoughts, just thoughts not going to do it, and needed us to be patient.

He told me after I complained about his behaviour... but he did not want me to do anything to help. Did not want to talk to other men with ptsd though I tried to make him and talked and talked but it went straight into his one ear and out of the other :(

 

Hope that answers your questions and thanks for the advice. Sorry for such a long rant.

[d0nnivain]

None of the additional info is great for your marriage / relationship but it does point more to something that is not cheating. My vet is pretty solitary & his choice to sleep in his home office / man cave occasionally breaks my heart. He generally does that on the nights when his racing thoughts are bad. I know he's trying to do it so I get sleep even when he can't but I feel bad when he won't let me help.

 

Keep talking. It's really all there is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Did not want to talk to other men with ptsd though I tried to make him and talked and talked but it went straight into his one ear and out of the other :(

 

Do you know anyone from his military past that might intervene? He sounds depressed and troubled in ways that could be very serious. Might be time to move into crisis mode...

 

Mr. Lucky

[alphamale]

he's using his diagnosis to get what he wants. he should see a psychiatrist

[Strawberrycake]

@donnivain: does your vet have ptsd? I hate him sleeping in the gym, like he I want to help and I want to be cuddled next to him.

 

@alphamale: he saw a ps chiatrist and he gave him medication.

 

@Mr. Lucky: That guy who send him the picture of woman with motorcycle is one of his former military brothers. He also has contact with others... but he does not see them that much anymore. He works a lot, he has a family...

However I encouraged him to meet a good friend again, because they phone but do not meet in person, because both family have young kids. He lives two hours drive time away. I told him that I talked to the friends wife and she thinks our families should do something together, then I am planning on going somewhere with her and the kids so the men can talk.

I am also planning to make him meet the others.

 

Actually I asked him if he was okay with me telling his friends he was unwell, no he was not okay with that. They know he has ptsd, but they do not know that he is not doing well right now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Actually I asked him if he was okay with me telling his friends he was unwell, no he was not okay with that. They know he has ptsd, but they do not know that he is not doing well right now.

 

As his wife, it will be up to you to decide when and if the time comes you can't honor his wishes. Even if he gets angry, you'll have to determine which issue tale precedence. Be brave...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

@donnivain: does your vet have ptsd? I hate him sleeping in the gym, like he I want to help and I want to be cuddled next to him.

 

Except for certain specific triggers he denies it. I think he has a mild form which results in insomnia. I don't like him sleeping downstairs in the office but it could be worse. What helped was when he started going to reunions with the guys in his platoon. They can talk to each other in ways that aren't "weak"

the way they would view genuine professional help, although as a group they have talked some of the guys who were really struggling into seeing somebody & getting on meds.

[Strawberrycake]

Except for certain specific triggers he denies it. I think he has a mild form which results in insomnia. I don't like him sleeping downstairs in the office but it could be worse. What helped was when he started going to reunions with the guys in his platoon. They can talk to each other in ways that aren't "weak"

the way they would view genuine professional help, although as a group they have talked some of the guys who were really struggling into seeing somebody & getting on meds.

 

I am just thinking out loud: is there the possibility your vet is triggered by grocery shopping? I have been reading some of your thread, did not want to answer there without reading the whole thread.

I know grocery shopping is one of the most common triggers and depending on the circumstances my vet sucks at it. When it is a quiet time and nobody there he is the perfect shopper and brings exactly what I ask for but when he is stressed he just grabs the first thing which remotely resembles what I asked for... and he never tells he has been stressed, took me a while to figure out.