Wow!!! What a mess

[Shaung]

Ok, here it goes. My wife and I had been married for almost 16 years. We have a 15 year old Son and a6 year old Daughter. July 24, 2017 I found out my Wife had been having an affair for almost a year. I was completely devastated I spent over $12k on vacations to try and save the marriage and yet she continued.

 

The man threatened to expose her to my family, her family and her boss with sex videos and conversations etc. She then filed a restraining order against him which I found out that she was still seeing him. I finally had enough and threw her crap out on the driveway. She got herself a 1 bedroom apartment and continued to see the guy. She would return the kids 1 day early each week which I didn't mind because I was very depressed and missed them. The kids werent allowed to meet this *******.

 

I suffered from severe depression and took it extremely bad even considering ending it all JUST TO STOP THE PAIN!!! I eventually found someone and dated her and moved her into the house because I needed to move on with my life. I had every intention on trying to make it work but as time went on I have lost the emotional connection with her. MY house was sad and lonely without mom here. My daughter would tell me she was tired of being the only girl in the house. I wanted a mother figure for my kids. I filed for divorce and full custody of the kids. She had 30 days to respond or contest but never did which tells me that she doesn't want the kids.

 

Fathers day weekend the other guy beat the crap out of her giving her a concussion. The guy took her phone after beating her for an hour and told her if she went to the cops he would kill me and my kids. I felt horrible for her because even though she did soo much to me and my kids I still love her and no one deserves that kinda beating. The guy actually text me and said that she cheated on me with one of my friends last year and he knew detail about him so I believe him. She cheated with 2 of his friends that's why he beat her. After all this drama I still love her deeply and want to make it work because I know deep down she's a good person but she's going thru a rough patch.

 

She had to leave her apartment because of his threats and quit her job. She lives with he baby sister but I hope will get it together. I have a good job and have the kids atleast 5 days a week. Finalcially she will never be able to provide for them like they deserve or even have anything more than a 1 bedroom apartment. We will go to court soon for the divorce but honestly I don't want it but it saddens me that she has made no effort to get the kids. She has always called his a separation and has never agreed to a divorce. What do I do? I am afraid she will go back to this guy.

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with the woman I moved in but she doesn't get the hint, she wont leave. She says I don't mean it but I don't want to hurt her by being blunt. What the hell should I do? This is a complete mess.

Edited July 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

First, you tell the other woman living in your home to leave or get a lawyer and force her to leave because you have absolutely no business being in another relationship right now. With all the upheaval in their lives, it is very unhealthy for your children to have this woman in their home. They need stability right now more than anything else.

 

Second, you file for divorce from your wife. She is a hot mess and she’s got problems that you can’t solve. It is unhealthy for you to consider a relationship with her at this point, probably never again.

 

And while you are at the lawyer, you file for full custody of your children because your wife is not capable of caring for them right now. She is making poor decisions, she is in an abusive relationship - your children are not safe when they are with her. Let me repeat that - THEY ARE NOT SAFE WITH HER RIGHT NOW! As someone who works in child protection, trust me when I say you need to protect your children from their mother! If she wants to see them, she will have to prove to the courts that she is stable and capable of caring for them.

 

And last but not least, you get yourself a good Counsellor because you really need one! You need some support if you are going to deal with everything now.

 

I’m sorry you are struggling with this, but you are the adult here... you are the only hope for your children and you have to find a way to do right by them and lead your family out of this... they didn’t ask for any of this drama and they are depending on your to keep them safe. Good luck.

Edited July 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[Shaung]

Wow, you right about leading my family of of this. I had complete lost sight of that. I was so cought up with my feelings that I had forgotten about me being the man and having to lead my kids to safety, as stupid st that sounds.

 

Not that it matters but 8 months before I found out about the affair. I paid $5,000 for a noon job and she accepted them KNOWING that she was having an affair. There are so many details that o have left out but you for the point. I just need advice and guidance.

[Shaung]

As I mentioned. She had 30 days to contest my getting full custody and didn’t. The fact that she had a restraint order ago and then lifted it to look ve with him and then he beat he crap out of her (felony domestic violence) which makes her look HORRIBLE in court. My lawyer says I have about 95% hance of full custody at this point. My 15 year old son says that he wants to talk to the judge in private and tell him that he doesn’t want to hurt moms feelings but he wants to live with me.

[BaileyB]

As I mentioned. She had 30 days to contest my getting full custody and didn’t. The fact that she had a restraint order ago and then lifted it to look ve with him and then he beat he crap out of her (felony domestic violence) which makes her look HORRIBLE in court. My lawyer says I have about 95% hance of full custody at this point. My 15 year old son says that he wants to talk to the judge in private and tell him that he doesn’t want to hurt moms feelings but he wants to live with me.

 

And rightfully so. They know they are not safe with her.

 

If she didn’t contest the full custody, she made her decision. She showed you what her priorities are - and sadly, it is not her children.

[Shaung]

Needless to say, this has been devestating to me. It’s been almost 1 year and I still have a hard time with this. Unfortunately I have good days and bad days.

[Marc878]

Be the kids father and get them away from your horrible wife.

 

Cut her out completely. I hope you learned you can never nice them back. You let yourself be played badly. The OM is a low life but what goes that make your wife?

 

Don't look back out have zero future with your stbx.

[Shaung]

Be the kids father and get them away from your horrible wife.

 

Cut her out completely. I hope you learned you can never nice them back. You let yourself be played badly. The OM is a low life but what goes that make your wife?

 

Don't look back out have zero future with your stbx.

 

I agree he is a low life. He’s 35, lives at home with mom m. Drives a car his sister gave him until it stopped running hen his mom gave him a car.

[BaileyB]

I agree he is a low life. He’s 35, lives at home with mom m. Drives a car his sister gave him until it stopped running hen his mom gave him a car.

 

Not to mention that he beat a woman badly. Did she press charges? She should have, but I doubt that she did.

[S2B]

Stop fueling the drama!

 

She didn't contest the papers so file the paperwork to finalize the divorce.

 

Have the least amount of contact with her as possible...the VERY least!

 

And get the other gal out today!

 

Your home should feel safe for your kids! Stop complicating things for them!

 

Get counseling! You need to stop handing all YOUR power to women!

 

And don't pay for a thing for your wife - she will figure it out herself!

 

 

Start protecting those kids! Become self standing without thinking you need any woman! And for gods sake - stop thinking you need to buy women and their love! That's not love!

 

You need to get healthy - seek professional help!

[Mr. Lucky]

I have a good job and have the kids atleast 5 days a week.

 

I'm a little confused - where are they the other two days a week?

 

After all this drama I still love her deeply and want to make it work because I know deep down she's a good person but she's going thru a rough patch.

 

A "rough patch"? Shaung, it's like you have Stockholm Syndrome or something. What would she have to do to you - and your kids - to make you see she doesn't give two shakes about anyone but herself?

 

Get out and take care of you and yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shaung]

I'm a little confused - where are they the other two days a week?

 

 

 

A "rough patch"? Shaung, it's like you have Stockholm Syndrome or something. What would she have to do to you - and your kids - to make you see she doesn't give two shakes about anyone but herself?

 

Get out and take care of you and yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She only wants the kids 2 days. You are all absolutely right, I am going thru with tha divorce and full custody. Thank you all....

[DKT3]

She only wants the kids 2 days. You are all absolutely right, I am going thru with tha divorce and full custody. Thank you all....

 

I know that they are her children, but as a father myself I'm not sure I would allow my kids to go into a situation where their mother is getting beat. Maybe supervised visits are best as long as she has this guy around.

 

Look your wife has made her choice, you have to let go and let her deal with it. You cant save someone who doesn't want saving, it only drags you and your kids through the mud.

[Shaung]

As far as I know, she’s not with him. She has filed another restraining order and they go to court this Monday. She moved with her sister and is looking for a new job. I would like to think that she has learned her lesson but who knows. Her sister she lives with is a Police officer so I’d like to think the kids are safe with her.

Edited July 7, 2018 by Shaung

[S2B]

Out of curiosity - why would you reward her bad behavior by taking her on an expensive vacation?

 

Didn't you stop to think that it may make you look desperate and willing to take the crap behavior she was dishing out?

 

What was your reasoning in that maneuver?

[BaileyB]

As far as I know, she’s not with him. She has filed another restraining order and they go to court this Monday. She moved with her sister and is looking for a new job. I would like to think that she has learned her lesson but who knows. Her sister she lives with is a Police officer so I’d like to think the kids are safe with her.

 

It should be for the courts to decide if she can provide a safe, stable home for those children. To date, she has not proven that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not that it matters but 8 months before I found out about the affair. I paid $5,000 for a noon job and she accepted them KNOWING that she was having an affair.

 

Was this a nose job or a boob job? Trying to figure out what a noon job is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Was this a nose job or a boob job? Trying to figure out what a noon job is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Or a *low job?

[JDJ]

The guy took her phone after beating her for an hour and told her if she went to the cops he would kill me and my kids.

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with the woman I moved in but she doesn't get the hint, she wont leave. She says I don't mean it but I don't want to hurt her by being blunt. What the hell should I do? This is a complete mess.

 

Two things I don't understand here. You and your kids have been threatened with murder, and you are not reporting that to the police or making that your first concern? There is an angry criminal in your life, and you need to take that seriously.

 

Second, what are the "hints" that you are giving to the woman living in your place? Eyerolls? You can increase the frequency and severity of the hints, or you could just tell her straight up that you are kicking her out.

[Shaung]

I went to the police and they said I can’t do much since it was a 3rd party threat which means he didn’t threaten me directly.

[BaileyB]

If her sister is a police officer, surely she knows the importance of filing charges against a man who beat her sister and threatened her children. I would hope that her sister has encouraged her to do what is necessary to protect herself and her family.

[preraph]

She made some very bad choices. She knew he was a blackmailing jerk but stayed with him. I have to assume she isn't working?? So she needs a man to pay for her or something? She needs to stop dating and get two jobs and start working on her own self-esteem by accomplishing something and then maybe if she ever gets it together, she can be a mom part of the time. I wouldn't leave them with her right now either because that dangerous man is around -- and if it isn't him, it will be the next one. She needs a wakeup call real bad.

 

But yes, you need to always first consider the safety and wellbeing of your children. I'd put her down at the bottom of the priority list for now, though being an advice-giving person, I'd sit her down one time and tell her she needs to get ahold of herself now while you have the kids and get a career going and do something productive and stop depending on men. I'd be afraid to let her back in the house with the kids. This guy or the next one might just show up and shoot everyone. It happens every day -- and I can tell you that when someone actually makes a threat like that, it should be taken VERY seriously. It would be good to get her to pack her bags and move out of town and then get herself a job and do nothing else. But like you said, she's as likely as not to let this guy or the next know where she is and where you are and where the kids are, so you may eventually have to get a restraining order on her too or a court order forbidding her from sharing you and the kids' address at least.

[Shaung]

The fact that she doesn’t give a crap about the kids or seeing them really hurts me. Although I’m doing my best, my 6 year old daughter needs her mom. There are things that she needs to teach her that I can’t. I fee like our lives are spiraling out of control and I can’t stop it. It’s an absolute mess and I am have been destroyed. Thankfully my kids are doing really well and don’t seemed to be too affected.

[DKT3]

The fact that she doesn’t give a crap about the kids or seeing them really hurts me. Although I’m doing my best, my 6 year old daughter needs her mom. There are things that she needs to teach her that I can’t. I fee like our lives are spiraling out of control and I can’t stop it. It’s an absolute mess and I am have been destroyed. Thankfully my kids are doing really well and don’t seemed to be too affected.

 

You still have the gloves on and your trying to be NICE. Sometimes we have to be ruthless to protect our children. Yes your daughter could use a mother, but not really the dysfunctional mess your wife is now. Truth is, you need to protect them from her. She has proven to you her decision making isn't great.

 

You can control this, that isn't the problem. The problem is you want to save her, and even as you claim you don't want her, your actions say otherwise.

 

Focus on your kids and yourself, the wife is a big girl who has control over the decisions she is making, you cant change or control or nice her into being a good wife and mother.

[BaileyB]

The fact that she doesn’t give a crap about the kids or seeing them really hurts me. Although I’m doing my best, my 6 year old daughter needs her mom. There are things that she needs to teach her that I can’t. I fee like our lives are spiraling out of control and I can’t stop it.

 

You need to understand the three C's - you didn't cause it, you don't control it, and you can't cure it.

 

Your wife has to get her stuff together... It's her job, not yours.

 

If your wife is not capable of providing a stable home, if she is not a good influence on your daughter... It is healthier for your daughter NOT to have contact with her mother at this time.

 

All you can do is provide the most secure, loving, and stable home that you can for your children. And right now, that means protecting them and limiting their time with their mother.