Dating with anxiety

[DatingLo]

I broke up with my ex a couple of years ago. I am looking for a girlfriend. Since then have tried online dating, and some approaching at bars, but no luck. I have anxiety and I am socially awkward (can't have the most interesting of conversations).

 

OLD - has been a continual disappointment. It's hard to get matches with girls I find attractive, in the last couple of weeks I got around 5 which would be way more than usual. But they will just talk to me and ghost when I ask them about their interests or whatever, or just stop responding when I ask for the number and a date. Maybe it's because I sound lame and boring, and ask for a coffee date. But it seems like it's just a bad platform, like it's about 1upping unless there's something in my profile that really draws attention, or my convo is really engaging. I met my ex online, so it's something I'll continue but I have to focus on it sparingly. My pics are decent (but maybe a little anxious looking, and none with like activities), so maybe that is the culprit.

At bars - Some success, most women will talk to me if I approach, but convo seems to fizzle out. If I am dancing some aggressive dude who gets in there and talks and asks for the number or whatever, or like dominates the situation and marks his girl seems to win out. Maybe I am overgeneralizing here (and this is not how I operate) but it seems like bars aren't the best of places. Also I don't know why I feel bad if I am ousted by loser guys that "win" like this, but I do.

 

My anxiety is alot better, I'm able to approach women. It's the awkwardness/boringness I have to work on. I feel like if I am awkward or boring, less girls will want to be my girlfriend by default. Also maybe it's a matter of approaching women in better places in real life.

 

What should I do? Just focus on making friends, approaching girls in real life more than in these venues? I feel really hopeless, probably talked to way too many women online. It also bruises my ego - I think am I attractive enough, or is it just my social skills. It's tough to say.

I had an awesome relationship with my ex, who was attractive and a really great girl, but it seems like I was really lucky, and that it can be difficult for decent looking guys to find a girlfriend.

Edited July 7, 2018 by DatingLo

[Chilli]

Don't worry , online bruises just as many women too in the end , just read around or ask ones you meet.

But like so many here , it also sounds like you just approach anyone.

lf l was single and at bars, it could be 3mths before l saw someone special enough that looked like my type and that l might wanna meet. And even then l would only bother if she was also picking me out.

l'd have no interest in anyone that wasn't equally as interested in me.

The rest don't matter, well unless you just wanna play round.

 

l'd say cut out the bs and stop wasting your time, enjoy life and wait for that someone special, but then that's what l tell everyone soooo, up to you.

[preraph]

Well, I mean, it sounds like you know what the problems are. Now you have to fix them. First, you have anxiety, but it sounds like you nonetheless approach women, so that may get better with time. If not, obviously, see a therapist and see where it's coming from and if it's something meds or behavioral therapy can help.

 

Sounds like the biggest thing is, as you say, you are boring and your interests don't interest other people. Usually this happens when your interests are solitary ones, things you do to avoid people rather than interact with them. So obviously, you need to become more of a rounded person and start working on new active social hobbies. I don't care if you don't like them. My guess is you've never tried them. Pick a hobby that gets you out with people and start doing it. Bowling, golf, shooting darts, shooting pool, snorkeling, skate-boarding, dirt-biking, bungie jumping, volunteering at an animal rescue organization, volunteering dressing kids for prom; if you're technical, volunteer your technical services to some charity; volunteer to help your local police department at their events, being on the serving line at a barbecue, setting up tables and chairs at the venue for their many community meetings, helping them out at all these events.

 

You need to do more things. Any of these things would give you one more way to meet people and have fun and enable you to mingle with new people. Like The Fonz said, if you want to swim, don't sit on the beach.

[OatsAndHall]

Well, as long as this isn't a "clinical" issue (i.e. a social anxiety disorder necessitating treatment of some kind), you're best bet is to just keep engaging with people in general. Honestly, the kind of anxiety that you're describing isn't uncommon for many people in social situations and one simply needs practice to work through it. I suggest that you go out, make friends, socialize and you'll gradually become more comfortable when interacting with people in general.

 

 

Bear in mind, the majority of your communication with women is going to be the same as your communication with friends so honing those social skills with them is essential. It's much easier to learn to chat and be sociable with a group of friends and then apply it to the dating world, versus trying to accomplish it solely with women.

 

 

 

And, don't be too hard on yourself. I have many friends and family members who are awkward in social situations and I seriously doubt they even consider themselves to be anxious.

[Chilli]

Well, as long as this isn't a "clinical" issue (i.e. a social anxiety disorder necessitating treatment of some kind), you're best bet is to just keep engaging with people in general. Honestly, the kind of anxiety that you're describing isn't uncommon for many people in social situations and one simply needs practice to work through it. I suggest that you go out, make friends, socialize and you'll gradually become more comfortable when interacting with people in general.

''

And, don't be too hard on yourself. I have many friends and family members who are awkward in social situations and I seriously doubt they even consider themselves to be anxious.

 

 

Yeah very true.

Everyone has stuff , it's usually there if you take any notice even in what we might think the most unlikely of people, like me haha, but it's understandable .

Fully agree , don't be too hard on yourself op.

[DatingLo]

I'm spent from this online dating thing. It seems like the top 5 to 10 percent of men's profiles get attention, the rest get flaking.

Part of it could be I need to improve my profile with a more activity oriented picture, or a better profile description, to be more desirable in this venue.

As I don't have much of a social life, pictures like this are hard to come by. Making focusing on real life even more important (though it might be harder than online).

 

I also think that if girls are average or above in looks they have so many options (online, but also in real life), even if they don't have much else going for them, so they will look for the best deal. If there's stuff I am working on, they won't care. They want success, confidence.

 

I do have social anxiety, but I think it's more being socially awkward, lacking things to say, being boring - logical, formulaic, too quiet.

 

I agree with what you said about I have to look for what is right for me, and ok 3 months makes sense for that. But it's been 2 years, being less picky, very accommodating, and still no success, so it feels quite futile, but that might just be because of the online thing. I agree I need to engage in real life activities more, no matter what, despite what feels like difficulty making that dive from nothing, into uncertainty. I have some anxiety doing this, but also it feels like, where do I start. How do I make this happen for sure? I guess the answer is simple, that I need to put everything myself everyday until I find a decent social life, and I have a better sense of self. I guess there is a fear it might not work out though, I could still be awkward.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm spent from this online dating thing. It seems like the top 5 to 10 percent of men's profiles get attention, the rest get flaking.

Part of it could be I need to improve my profile with a more activity oriented picture, or a better profile description, to be more desirable in this venue.

As I don't have much of a social life, pictures like this are hard to come by. Making focusing on real life even more important (though it might be harder than online).

 

I also think that if girls are average or above in looks they have so many options (online, but also in real life), even if they don't have much else going for them, so they will look for the best deal. If there's stuff I am working on, they won't care. They want success, confidence.

 

I do have social anxiety, but I think it's more being socially awkward, lacking things to say, being boring - logical, formulaic, too quiet.

 

I agree with what you said about I have to look for what is right for me, and ok 3 months makes sense for that. But it's been 2 years, being less picky, very accommodating, and still no success, so it feels quite futile, but that might just be because of the online thing. I agree I need to engage in real life activities more, no matter what, despite what feels like difficulty making that dive from nothing, into uncertainty. I have some anxiety doing this, but also it feels like, where do I start. How do I make this happen for sure? I guess the answer is simple, that I need to put everything myself everyday until I find a decent social life, and I have a better sense of self. I guess there is a fear it might not work out though, I could still be awkward.

 

 

You have to learn to not only accept failure but also embrace it and learn from it. One learns very little from success in life but they can grow a great deal from failure. Trust me, you will become much more self-assured and confident once you get out and have a social life.

 

 

 

And, honestly, having a healthy social life comes down to one simple thing; being a genuine and pleasant individual. Don't focus on being charming, witty or the life-of-the-party; just be a kind person that people like being around. People are going to see that you're shy and a little anxious and that's fine as long as you can smile, laugh and have a some fun.

 

 

 

I have two close friends that I hang spend a fair amount of time with. One is socially inept and the other is very out-going. I enjoy spending time with my socially inept friend much more than the other because he is less draining on me emotionally. I can relax more around my shy friend as we can spend hours bantering about 80's movies, fishing, hunting, coaching, etc..etc.. There are times when I just don't have the energy for my out-going friend as he's usually trying to have "battles of wit" and there are times when I don't feel like playing "who's the bigger smartass".

[LuckyM]

What is your age?

It also depends where you live--large city or small town?

This forum is filled with stories from men who cannot find quality dates but the answer will be different for everyone, I think.

 

I used to go to bars and nightclubs but then had to give it up. Single dances work for some people, even if they can't dance. Everyone complains about online dating, including me. Computer dating has always been very chancy.

The more effort I put into it, the less I got out of it.

 

The only place I found an excess surplus of single ladies was on organized outdoor hikes and trips run by clubs. Don't know if that is still true.