Let Her Eat Cake!

[Otter2569]

Well-said and, Otter2569, a way forward in general for you. Being a stepparent figure is all about a having a copy of the Serenity Prayer closeby with an emphasis on "the wisdom to know the difference"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Or like on Seinfeld i'll start yelling "SERENITY NOW!!!!" LOL

 

Seriously though, great advise! I should write the prayer down, keep it in my wallet and read it before entering their house. Ultimately they are in charge of themselves. I can work on being supportive and speaking up when / if things impact me directly. Give me strength!!

[JuneL]

Interesting question... I feel the issue for me is being with people who should do more to improve their well being (weight) yet have bad eating habits and in some instances exhibit reckless (sometimes unsafe) behavior when it comes to obtaining and consuming junk food.

 

Was their eating habit like that when you’re first dating? I’ve stated in another thread that I’ve been helping a good friend who has been obese most her life lose weight by exchanging our food and physical activity logs. Not surprisingly, her eating habit is very different compared to someone who has a healthy lifestyle, and it’s taking a long time and lots of psychological barriers to break such habit. I also notice she would come up with excuses for why she shouldn’t eat certain healthy food types simply because she doesn’t like those. But the first step is she has to want to change herself, as it involves so much hard work. As a supportive friend, I try to be very understanding about her cravings but also very honest with her. It’s delicate to achieve the right balance: You don’t want to be her enabler, but you also don’t want to hurt her feelings.

[JuneL]

My friend is about 40, and she’s starting to have obesity-related health issues. She told me watching some “My 600-lb Life” videos recently further motivated her to lose weight.

[Otter2569]

Was their eating habit like that when you’re first dating? I’ve stated in another thread that I’ve been helping a good friend who has been obese most her life lose weight by exchanging our food and physical activity logs. Not surprisingly, her eating habit is very different compared to someone who has a healthy lifestyle, and it’s taking a long time and lots of psychological barriers to break such habit. I also notice she would come up with excuses for why she shouldn’t eat certain healthy food types simply because she doesn’t like those. But the first step is she has to want to change herself, as it involves so much hard work. As a supportive friend, I try to be very understanding about her cravings but also very honest with her. It’s delicate to achieve the right balance: You don’t want to be her enabler, but you also don’t want to hurt her feelings.

 

They eat out a lot and are not very active which I think are the main problems. We have been eating in more, planning meals etc but need to do more of. I sense they eat out when I am not there. GF also doesn't buy very much junk food. They tried a food service for a while. They recently joined a gym and have personal trainer. Bringing the daughter is always a struggle from what I hear.

 

The food log is key. The trainer has requested one from them and they have not done it. IMO there is your smoking gun and they are in avoidance.

 

Definitely don't want to enable or hurt anyone's feelings which makes watching this unfold frustrating at times.

[JuneL]

They eat out a lot and are not very active which I think are the main problems. We have been eating in more, planning meals etc but need to do more of. I sense they eat out when I am not there. GF also doesn't buy very much junk food. They tried a food service for a while. They recently joined a gym and have personal trainer. Bringing the daughter is always a struggle from what I hear.

 

The food log is key. The trainer has requested one from them and they have not done it. IMO there is your smoking gun and they are in avoidance.

 

Definitely don't want to enable or hurt anyone's feelings which makes watching this unfold frustrating at times.

 

That’s why I said the very first step is they really want to do it. I gave credit to my friend for not lying in her food logs. During the past couple of months, there’ve been a few days on which she went on a binge eating extravaganza, and I calmly ask her questions so that she can be aware of the reason and how to prevent it.

[BaileyB]

Interesting question... I feel the issue for me is being with people who should do more to improve their well being (weight) yet have bad eating habits and in some instances exhibit reckless (sometimes unsafe) behavior when it comes to obtaining and consuming junk food.

 

I work with preschoolers, and I tell parents everyday that there are here things that they can not control - when their child sleeps, what they chose to eat, and when they will use the toilet. With respect to eating, it is something that only the child can control... We gently suggest to parents that their job is to provide healthy, and nutritious meals - it's the child's job to eat! I also tell parents, the more you focus on food and the more pressure that you put on your child to eat... the more stressful the the experience will become, the more likely it will become a struggle for power, and the less likely the child is to eat.

 

I can completely understand your frustration... It is frustrating to me when my boyfriend spends money in what I think is a frivolous way, on things that I would consider a "want" and not a "need." But, I have to make my peace with the fact that it's his money and his decision how he spends it. And, vice versa.

 

If I don't like his spending habits, or if you don't like their lifestyle decisions, you always have the right to make another decision with your life... I dare say, you will find more happiness if you let it go than if you stay and try to fight a battle that is not your battle to fight. You will not be successful and it will only create hard feelings and resentment.

[Otter2569]

That’s why I said the very first step is they really want to do it. I gave credit to my friend for not lying in her food logs. During the past couple of months, there’ve been a few days on which she went on a binge eating extravaganza, and I calmly ask her questions so that she can be aware of the reason and how to prevent it.

 

Kudos to your friend for being honest and to you for being there to help her!

I'm sure that's a huge help knowing that she has a friend she can count on!!

 

The food log is the smoking gun IMO. I am going to encourage GF (whom I think will encourage her daughter) to do one - even if they keep it to themselves. GF lost a few pounds so hopefully she is feeling really good about that!

 

I checked on dinner plans: we are grilling skinless chicken and veggies (another good sign). I was ready to stop at the store and buy something healthy, if not.

[littleblackheart]

Apologies in advance for the bluntless because you really do seem like a caring person with good intentions, but if a BF of mine was as obsessed with my kid's weight as you seem to be, that would be a deal breaker to me.

 

Not the caring part; the controlling part. I recall you saying you don't actually live together, so I struggle to see how much of an impact this has on you.

 

The child doesn't need that sort of pressure - she must sense it, even if you say you keep it to yourself.

 

(my daughter doesn't have weight issues, ftr).

[BaileyB]

Apologies in advance for the bluntless because you really do seem like a caring person with good intentions, but if a BF of mine was as obsessed with my kid's weight as you seem to be, that would be a deal breaker to me.

 

Not the caring part; the controlling part. I recall you saying you don't actually live together, so I struggle to see how much of an impact this has on you.

 

Agree completely.

 

With much respect, your intentions are good. But, you are not this child's parent. Nor, are you her step parent.

 

I agree with many of the parenting decisions my boyfriend makes for his child. However, there are decisions he and his ex-wife make of which I do not agree. It is in those moments that I take a big deep breath, and say "You are not this child's parent. This is not your decision to make. This is not your responsibility."

 

Respectfully, I would suggest that you are overstepping your role here. You are also choosing to focus on an issue for which you have little to no control of the outcome. And, in so doing, you will create resentment and animosity.

 

If you don't like their lifestyle choices, you are left with two options; accept the situation or vote with your feet.

Edited July 9, 2018 by BaileyB

[JuneL]

Btw, my friend’s diet is not strict at all, but it’s improving. It’s important to give her credit whenever she does a little something to improve; it’s also important to let her have a treat here and there. Actually, at the beginning stage, it’s good as long as she doesn’t indulge in lots of bad foods.

 

Kudos to your friend for being honest and to you for being there to help her!

I'm sure that's a huge help knowing that she has a friend she can count on!!

 

The food log is the smoking gun IMO. I am going to encourage GF (whom I think will encourage her daughter) to do one - even if they keep it to themselves. GF lost a few pounds so hopefully she is feeling really good about that!

 

I checked on dinner plans: we are grilling skinless chicken and veggies (another good sign). I was ready to stop at the store and buy something healthy, if not.

[Otter2569]

Apologies in advance for the bluntless because you really do seem like a caring person with good intentions, but if a BF of mine was as obsessed with my kid's weight as you seem to be, that would be a deal breaker to me.

 

Not the caring part; the controlling part. I recall you saying you don't actually live together, so I struggle to see how much of an impact this has on you.

 

The child doesn't need that sort of pressure - she must sense it, even if you say you keep it to yourself.

 

(my daughter doesn't have weight issues, ftr).

 

Please dont confuse observation with obsession. This is like watching an accident happening. No one wants to see a child struggle, fail, make bad decisions or be put in a bad situation. I think it is human nature to be concerned and want to help.

 

At the end of the day it is not my struggle. I recognize there is a real problem here so at a minimum I need to support good habits, not contribute to the problem and yes, speak up when something crosses the line.

[Otter2569]

Btw, my friend’s diet is not strict at all, but it’s improving. It’s important to give her credit whenever she does a little something to improve; it’s also important to let her have a treat here and there. Actually, at the beginning stage, it’s good as long as she doesn’t indulge in lots of bad foods.

 

I once worked with a motivational speaker who talked about change: small steps, little modifications often create a sense of accomplishment and lead to meaningful results. Too much change all at once almost always leads to discouragement and failure.

 

Baby steps

[Otter2569]

...If you don't like their lifestyle choices, you are left with two options; accept the situation or vote with your feet.

 

Ultimately that is what it boils down to.

 

However I do believe that if you are witnessing someone you care about make bad decisions or engage in destructive behavior, you should say something, offer help, advise, support etc.

[JuneL]

I once worked with a motivational speaker who talked about change: small steps, little modifications often create a sense of accomplishment and lead to meaningful results. Too much change all at once almost always leads to discouragement and failure.

 

Baby steps

 

It’s also super hard to break long-time habits. I’m sure they don’t even realize some of their habits are not natural to others. For example, it’s natural for my friend to grab something to eat while chatting to others or doing other stuff, even when she’s not hungry in the slightest.

 

Having said all this, I’m not sure how you can make/tell someone eat healthy if she doesn’t herself have this determination; it simply takes a lot of hard work. It’s especially tricky for teenagers, as there are body image issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

However I do believe that if you are witnessing someone you care about make bad decisions or engage in destructive behavior, you should say something, offer help, advise, support etc.

 

In your case, I’d only offer if asked. You should lead by example and hope the message sent by your lifestyle resonates. Any other approach will get messy quickly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

I have an uncle who had been drinking for like 45 years, and he started to have health issues a few years ago. So one day he was resolved to quit drinking, and has never touched a drop of alcohol since. There was no AA, no support group, etc. When asked how he did it, his answer: You have to really want it. I take what he said to mean that you want it so bad that you’re willing to do whatever hard work it takes.

[Otter2569]

It’s also super hard to break long-time habits. I’m sure they don’t even realize some of their habits are not natural to others. For example, it’s natural for my friend to grab something to eat while chatting to others or doing other stuff, even when she’s not hungry in the slightest.

 

Having said all this, I’m not sure how you can make/tell someone eat healthy if she doesn’t herself have this determination; it simply takes a lot of hard work. It’s especially tricky for teenagers, as there are body image issues.

 

Very true and being a teenager, lets face it, they really don't "get it" until much later in life. At least her Mom is trying to change, trying to set and example and hoping that the information the girl gets will set a foundation. The nutritionist did suggest she see a therapist regarding her weight and eating patterns.

[OatsAndHall]

Thank you! I wish this wasn't an issue and I wish we could go through life like a normal family. This situation is challenging, draining and seems to kick me in the ass every time I let my guard down.

 

 

I'll be blunt here; it's kicking you in the ass because you're involved in a situation you have absolutely no control over. Right now, you don't seem to have any role in the matter, other than standing on the sidelines and getting frustrated with your girlfriend's choices and her daughter's.

 

 

 

My STRONG suggestion is just to take a complete step back from it until your girlfriend gives you some pull in the situation. You're not accomplishing anything in your current role and you're just getting more and more spun out. It could affect your relationship with your girlfriend down the road.

[BaileyB]

However I do believe that if you are witnessing someone you care about make bad decisions or engage in destructive behavior, you should say something, offer help, advise, support etc.

 

Sure, but at what risk when you belabour a topic for which you have absolutely no control. Your "best of intention" will cause conflict and resentment that may harm your relationship and cause this young girl to do the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish - just to maintain her control and just to spite you.

 

The first rule of health behavior change - the individual has to want to make the change that will improve their health. Without that, all the education, support, and intervention in the world will be for naught...

 

As Mr. Lucky said, your best course of action is to lead by example...

Edited July 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[Miss Clavel]

i wish you were around when i was first stop drinking. wouldn't it be great if everyone just threw away all the liquor so i wouldn't have to see it let alone walk by the wine aisle at the grocery store? better yet, every bartender in my zip code should refuse to serve me.

 

you get where this is going. it's up to the addict. you can't do it for them.

 

what you have to do is watch an addict indulge. sucks.

 

you can not keep them from eating. you can not make that choice for them. they have to quit "junk food" and that's harder then quitting drink or sex. you can live forever without drink or sex but a human being has to eat to live. they have to have the one thing that "triggers" the compulsion, which leads to the obsession.

 

so stop throwing out food and stop acting like you understand. you can't.

 

they have to make the choice not to eat high calorie food and they have to stop eating at the point where they are full.

 

my theory is that they don't receive the notice from their brain that their stomach is full or maybe they don't understand the feeling and just keep cramming it in. which is very possible. so i think that's the place to start. feeling feelings. they eat, they over eat, they feel shame, remorse and guilt and to soothe it, they eat. round and round.

 

one thing you might consider. asking them to attend over-eaters anonymous.

 

if they don't want to go then take yourself over to the al-anon meeting to learn how to cope with someone else's addiction.

 

good luck

[Otter2569]

...so stop throwing out food and stop acting like you understand. you can't.

 

one thing you might consider. asking them to attend over-eaters anonymous.

 

if they don't want to go then take yourself over to the al-anon meeting to learn how to cope with someone else's addiction.

 

good luck

 

The fact that it makes no freaking sense is a sign there is a problem. The behavior and mannerisms are mind bending. We had a great weekend but still there were issues: she will skip meals or take such miniscule portions that anyone would be hungry in 5 minutes. Don't know what that's all about because its not fooling anyone.

 

I walked into the kitchen (she thought we were in bed) and she was buttering 2 large Portugese rolls. This was within 15 minutes of her mom telling her she needs to cut carbs and eat more protein.

 

I will suggest Overeaters Anonymous. I think it is getting to that point.

[JuneL]

The fact that it makes no freaking sense is a sign there is a problem. The behavior and mannerisms are mind bending. We had a great weekend but still there were issues: she will skip meals or take such miniscule portions that anyone would be hungry in 5 minutes. Don't know what that's all about because its not fooling anyone.

 

I walked into the kitchen (she thought we were in bed) and she was buttering 2 large Portugese rolls. This was within 15 minutes of her mom telling her she needs to cut carbs and eat more protein.

 

I will suggest Overeaters Anonymous. I think it is getting to that point.

 

The mother should set an example and keep her own food log!

[Otter2569]

The mother should set an example and keep her own food log!

 

JuneL I totally agree. I floated the food log idea last week just to plant the seed.

 

GF has done remarkably well these last few weeks: going to the gym, eating in, eating healthy, buying healthy and cutting back on alcohol. Her cholesterol has dropped 40 points and shes lost a few pounds.

 

The nutritionist is recommending a therapist for the daughter (how the last therapist missed this is beyond me?!).

 

GF realizes that she has to be an example and that the daughter has to want it for herself so she typically does not push the girl and usually sees through her attempts at getting crap food. Im hoping this s the beginning of something good.