I would really like some kind words regarding my hopeless situation

[CantTakeMySmile]

I am always about being upfront about your feelings/expectations/intentions. I feel the most direct way to find out an answer is to ask the question.

 

If he “feels that is too much” then you have your answer. Be forthright. Then listen to his answer and act accordingly.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sometimes it just doesnt make sense to me. I dont get how you can fall out of love with someone in the space of 2/3 weeks. I know he wasnt feeling differently before this as i trust him. I also feel he just gave up awful quick as i know how much he has done for me and how much he did love me. Hence why sometimes it dont make sense then again i am biased

 

Because it didn't happen that quickly. He was more than likely emotionally detaching for a while beforehand, even if neither of you really realized what was happening. I don't doubt that he cares about you, but I would bet any money this had been weighing on him longer than he's letting on.

 

My guess is that this argument, combined with this new group of friends he's made, led him to realize he's just not invested enough and not ready to move forward with you. You didn't mention your ages, but I am guessing you're both on the younger side?

 

So yes, the best thing is to take a big step back and work on detaching. I know it's been a very hard year for you. But this will be the time to work on other ways to grow and soothe yourself when the difficult feelings arise. Maybe he will come back, maybe not. The point is that you need to work on starting a new chapter for you, regardless of what might or might not happen with him.

[stillafool]

Yes it would help to know your ages. How old are you guys OP?

[d0nnivain]

I know I shouldnt ask.. but in your opinion, is there any slight chance when all dies down and i control my emotions a bit more that he may come back down the line if he still cares?

 

I can't say. I don't know either of you.

 

My personal opinion is you don't go backwards in life. In your shoes, once I regrouped there is no way I'd take back somebody who was callous enough to dump me at my lowest point in life. If somebody that I was supposed to love & trust could kick me when I was down, you can bet your life once I was strong & myself again, I'd have nothing but contempt for somebody who could throw me away when I was most vulnerable.

 

I had a bad patch for about 5 years . . . I lost both of my parents, my childhood home, my dog & several friends. My husband doubled down & loved me more. There were some tough love aspects to him -- I had to keep up with my therapy but he honored the negative portions of our vows: in bad times, in sickness etc. I love & trust him all the more for that & tell him often how much I appreciate how hard it must have been to stick around.

 

Staying in touch is harming your healing. You are still dependent on him. I'm a proponent of NC but I understand that cutting it off can be tough. LC that decreases to less & less contact over time, eventually to NC can be a gradual disconnect but you have to eventually disconnect, offers of friendship not withstanding.

Edited July 8, 2018 by d0nnivain

[lindt1111]

I am always about being upfront about your feelings/expectations/intentions. I feel the most direct way to find out an answer is to ask the question.

 

If he “feels that is too much” then you have your answer. Be forthright. Then listen to his answer and act accordingly.

 

I already know he doesnt want the relationship "at this time" so what can I ask him really? I was going to just tell him how i feel then say I cant be friends but to contact me if he wants to try again. I really dont know what else to do

[lindt1111]

Yes it would help to know your ages. How old are you guys OP?

 

we are 28 and 26 years of age

[lindt1111]

Because it didn't happen that quickly. He was more than likely emotionally detaching for a while beforehand, even if neither of you really realized what was happening. I don't doubt that he cares about you, but I would bet any money this had been weighing on him longer than he's letting on.

 

believe it or not I believe it did. Before this argument we were in bliss, I mean it. He even told me when we broke up he needed to feel the way he did before the argument in March. I genuinely feel it is all down to the argument in March as I genuinely trust what he says and he always reverts back to that. Yes I went psycho I acted a way I never did before and shocked myself, but I did seek counselling two weeks later and it is going good my counsellor is brilliant. Yes I bruised his ego and he probably felt "to hell with this crap I deserve better" but I literally had a break down I didnt stop crying for two days. Yes there was subsequent arguments after this one, smaller ones that we rectified immediately and I realize now I took him for granted. He told me the last day we met, he started to become mad with me a week after the argument and the feeling would keep coming and going he kept becoming more angry and angry until it didnt "feel right" anymore and "something changed.

[lindt1111]

I can't say. I don't know either of you.

 

My personal opinion is you don't go backwards in life. In your shoes, once I regrouped there is no way I'd take back somebody who was callous enough to dump me at my lowest point in life. If somebody that I was supposed to love & trust could kick me when I was down, you can bet your life once I was strong & myself again, I'd have nothing but contempt for somebody who could throw me away when I was most vulnerable.

 

I had a bad patch for about 5 years . . . I lost both of my parents, my childhood home, my dog & several friends. My husband doubled down & loved me more. There were some tough love aspects to him -- I had to keep up with my therapy but he honored the negative portions of our vows: in bad times, in sickness etc. I love & trust him all the more for that & tell him often how much I appreciate how hard it must have been to stick around.

 

Staying in touch is harming your healing. You are still dependent on him. I'm a proponent of NC but I understand that cutting it off can be tough. LC that decreases to less & less contact over time, eventually to NC can be a gradual disconnect but you have to eventually disconnect, offers of friendship not withstanding.

 

thank you for your honesty. Yes sometimes I am mad at him for just leaving me like that. I do appreciate and respect how he feels, yet he never once spoke to me about it or even gave us a chance he just threw in the towel. Two days before we broke up he sent me links to presents for his birthday which I bought and had to bring them all back again which hurt like hell. In addition, a half hour before he broke up with me I cried as I didn't want to go home because I miss my mums presence and I dont get along with my dad. My friend and family all say it was very abrupt on his end. My mum isnt even gone a year yet and it was only four months after I lost the baby which I really wanted and believed was a gift from my mum. He also hurt me when he went on holidays with his new friends (two girls and two boys). He went the baby was due which hurt me as I felt it was really disrespectful to our baby. But thats just me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I already know he doesnt want the relationship "at this time" so what can I ask him really? I was going to just tell him how i feel then say I cant be friends but to contact me if he wants to try again. I really dont know what else to do

 

He already knows how you feel. So, there is no need in reiterating. And you know how he feels.... time to accept it.

[ExpatInItaly]

believe it or not I believe it did. Before this argument we were in bliss, I mean it. He even told me when we broke up he needed to feel the way he did before the argument in March. I genuinely feel it is all down to the argument in March as I genuinely trust what he says and he always reverts back to that. Yes I went psycho I acted a way I never did before and shocked myself, but I did seek counselling two weeks later and it is going good my counsellor is brilliant. Yes I bruised his ego and he probably felt "to hell with this crap I deserve better" but I literally had a break down I didnt stop crying for two days. Yes there was subsequent arguments after this one, smaller ones that we rectified immediately and I realize now I took him for granted. He told me the last day we met, he started to become mad with me a week after the argument and the feeling would keep coming and going he kept becoming more angry and angry until it didnt "feel right" anymore and "something changed.

 

So, how much time elapsed between this argument in March and the time he broke up with you? That's how long he had been detaching. He told you himself (in so many words) that he hadn't felt the same way since that argument, which is why I contend this change in feelings did not happen in the span of 2 or 3 weeks. It had been building since this turning point back in March.

 

In any event, what exactly do you mean that you "went psycho"? What exactly happened? And what was the argument about? I don't think you have specified, but perhaps I missed that somewhere in the thread.

[preraph]

If your mom died a year ago and you lost the baby four months later (so sorry), that means that was 8 months ago that you lost the baby? Or am I misunderstanding? So sounds like he did hang in there about six months after both those events, but you are still having problems over it and it's affecting him, and you have these big events to excuse anything you may say or do, which puts him in a lose-lose position if you say or do something he doesn't agree with.

 

I know you had a bad year, but it sounds like he didn't just run away but did hold your hand for months, but with no end in sight and him having no chance of winning a disagreement because you will play the sympathy card, he has decided that's not the life he wants to live and that it's not fun anymore, and left after a decent amount of time. He isn't ready for a life of drama of this magnitude.

 

You need help coping with your losses, so you need to seek grief counseling or a support group. Meanwhile, if you don't like your dad, well, you're a grown woman -- get a second job and get your own place. Life is forcing change on you right now, this past year, and you need to learn to cope with it, accept it and stop getting mired in your emotions and get to work and make a new life. Change is usually good in the long run. Getting busy with a goal of getting your own place will distract you from your problems and help you move on and give you something to look forward to. Good luck.

[lindt1111]

So, how much time elapsed between this argument in March and the time he broke up with you? That's how long he had been detaching. He told you himself (in so many words) that he hadn't felt the same way since that argument, which is why I contend this change in feelings did not happen in the span of 2 or 3 weeks. It had been building since this turning point back in March.

 

In any event, what exactly do you mean that you "went psycho"? What exactly happened? And what was the argument about? I don't think you have specified, but perhaps I missed that somewhere in the thread.

 

IT was four weeks from the argument to break up. He said he started to feel differently on week 3 then the anger grew until two weeks before hand when he felt breaking up was the "right thing". HE went out drinking, before he went I was upset about my mum and told him how much pain i was in and how hurt I was feelig over all. But he went out anyway and left me crying. I called him when he was out as i needed someone to talk to and he hung up (while i was crying) and wouldnt answer me then i started texting because that made me feel even worse that he just cut me off like that. The following day he said he would come home early but he didnt he stayed drinking with his buddies and kept making up excuses which upset me further and in the emotional state I was in I kept calling and texting to which he would see the message and not reply and the circle continues.

[lindt1111]

If your mom died a year ago and you lost the baby four months later (so sorry), that means that was 8 months ago that you lost the baby? Or am I misunderstanding? So sounds like he did hang in there about six months after both those events, but you are still having problems over it and it's affecting him, and you have these big events to excuse anything you may say or do, which puts him in a lose-lose position if you say or do something he doesn't agree with.

 

I know you had a bad year, but it sounds like he didn't just run away but did hold your hand for months, but with no end in sight and him having no chance of winning a disagreement because you will play the sympathy card, he has decided that's not the life he wants to live and that it's not fun anymore, and left after a decent amount of time. He isn't ready for a life of drama of this magnitude.

 

You need help coping with your losses, so you need to seek grief counseling or a support group. Meanwhile, if you don't like your dad, well, you're a grown woman -- get a second job and get your own place. Life is forcing change on you right now, this past year, and you need to learn to cope with it, accept it and stop getting mired in your emotions and get to work and make a new life. Change is usually good in the long run. Getting busy with a goal of getting your own place will distract you from your problems and help you move on and give you something to look forward to. Good luck.

 

I lost the baby three months after my mum. He ended it four months after the baby. Its not about him "hanging in there" we were together two years you dont just give up on someone because they are grieving. We had a great relationship up until March everything before March was perfect and I was in control of my emotions. But that weekend in March is when I had the breakdown and you can read the story above of how I behaved. I dont use my grief to win an argument that is totally uncalled for. This particular argument was fueled by my grief but I do NOT blame all arguments on my grief

[stillafool]

IT was four weeks from the argument to break up. He said he started to feel differently on week 3 then the anger grew until two weeks before hand when he felt breaking up was the "right thing". HE went out drinking, before he went I was upset about my mum and told him how much pain i was in and how hurt I was feelig over all. But he went out anyway and left me crying. I called him when he was out as i needed someone to talk to and he hung up (while i was crying) and wouldnt answer me then i started texting because that made me feel even worse that he just cut me off like that. The following day he said he would come home early but he didnt he stayed drinking with his buddies and kept making up excuses which upset me further and in the emotional state I was in I kept calling and texting to which he would see the message and not reply and the circle continues.

 

At that point had your mother just died and he left you? Or, had she already passed and you were still trying to cope? How much time had passed since her death at that point?

[lindt1111]

At that point had your mother just died and he left you? Or, had she already passed and you were still trying to cope? How much time had passed since her death at that point?

 

It was six months to the day since mum died and three months to the day since I lost the baby. Hence why I just broke down and yes I acted irrationally but grief makes people act in strange ways and the way I acted was not who I am I have never acted like that before

[CantTakeMySmile]

It was six months to the day since mum died and three months to the day since I lost the baby. Hence why I just broke down and yes I acted irrationally but grief makes people act in strange ways and the way I acted was not who I am I have never acted like that before

 

In my opinion, he left because he was ready to. It was not caused by an argument. Most breakups are not. So please don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame him either, he seems like he is a good guy who cares, but no longer is romantic way. This happens. That is all it is. It is unfortunate that this feeling came to him while you were down. But would you rather he stay only out of obligation? Of course not.

 

Why he left is no longer relevant. The fact that he doesn’t want to come back is. Please don’t place blame on either of you, and recognize it for what it is..

[ExpatInItaly]

In my opinion, he left because he was ready to. It was not caused by an argument. Most breakups are not. So please don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame him either, he seems like he is a good guy who cares, but no longer is romantic way. This happens. That is all it is. It is unfortunate that this feeling came to him while you were down. But would you rather he stay only out of obligation? Of course not.

 

Why he left is no longer relevant. The fact that he doesn’t want to come back is. Please don’t place blame on either of you, and recognize it for what it is..

 

That's what I'm getting, too. The argument triggered it, but something more was brewing inside him even prior to that.

 

When did he start hanging out with these new work friends, OP?

 

EDIT: Nevermind, just saw that you stated he started hanging out with his new friends two weeks before the breakup. You've mentioned a couple times that there were some girls in this group. Were you feeling anxious that he could be interested in one of them? Is that why you hoped he wouldn't go out with them the night of the argument?

Edited July 8, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[lindt1111]

That's what I'm getting, too. The argument triggered it, but something more was brewing inside him even prior to that.

 

When did he start hanging out with these new work friends, OP?

 

EDIT: Nevermind, just saw that you stated he started hanging out with his new friends two weeks before the breakup. You've mentioned a couple times that there were some girls in this group. Were you feeling anxious that he could be interested in one of them? Is that why you hoped he wouldn't go out with them the night of the argument?

 

I genuinely dont think more was brewing prior to that as he even told me that he wanted to spend his life with me up until that argument. So I am confident the argument is what pushed him.

 

He didnt go out with these new girls the night of the argument he was out with male friends. These new girls only came into play in the two weeks he was contemplating ending it. But he since went on holidays with two of these girls 6 weeks post BU which makes me feel the argument just made him angry then these new friends came along and showed him what it was like to have fun again then he lost feelings for me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I genuinely dont think more was brewing prior to that as he even told me that he wanted to spend his life with me up until that argument. So I am confident the argument is what pushed him.

 

He didnt go out with these new girls the night of the argument he was out with male friends. These new girls only came into play in the two weeks he was contemplating ending it. But he since went on holidays with two of these girls 6 weeks post BU which makes me feel the argument just made him angry then these new friends came along and showed him what it was like to have fun again then he lost feelings for me.

 

At least you understand that he has moved on from you, at least in a romantic way. That knowledge and acceptance will lead to you moving on as well

 

If it was a fight or other girls, it really doesn’t matter, in the long run. His feelings changed. That is really all you know for sure.

[lindt1111]

I do think he gave up too quickly though. We had a good relationship up until then. We had a bad argument yes but if he talked to me and told me how he felt things could have changed. At the end of the day the argument was fueled by grief after one bad weekend. If the relationship meant anything At least he would have tried. But he just left. In light of my personal circumstances I do feel like he just abandoned me and was slightly selfish. I done so much for him. I gave up something I really wanted after my mums death, I sacrificed something so dear something I really wanted and now I am left with the loss of that too

[stillafool]

I genuinely dont think more was brewing prior to that as he even told me that he wanted to spend his life with me up until that argument. So I am confident the argument is what pushed him.

 

He didnt go out with these new girls the night of the argument he was out with male friends. These new girls only came into play in the two weeks he was contemplating ending it. But he since went on holidays with two of these girls 6 weeks post BU which makes me feel the argument just made him angry then these new friends came along and showed him what it was like to have fun again then he lost feelings for me.

 

Honestly, if you really feel like the above is what caused the breakup do you want a guy who breaks up over one argument? Couples argue all the time but they don't break up. Sometimes they're just clearing the air. Also if your gut feeling is it was just this argument that caused him to break up with you call him and ask if that's it. If it is maybe he will forgive you. I don't think it is but you know him better than me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I do think he gave up too quickly though. We had a good relationship up until then. We had a bad argument yes but if he talked to me and told me how he felt things could have changed. At the end of the day the argument was fueled by grief after one bad weekend. If the relationship meant anything At least he would have tried. But he just left. In light of my personal circumstances I do feel like he just abandoned me and was slightly selfish. I done so much for him. I gave up something I really wanted after my mums death, I sacrificed something so dear something I really wanted and now I am left with the loss of that too

 

This is a reason to let go. He didn’t stay and now you have to go.

[ExpatInItaly]

I do think he gave up too quickly though. We had a good relationship up until then. We had a bad argument yes but if he talked to me and told me how he felt things could have changed. At the end of the day the argument was fueled by grief after one bad weekend. If the relationship meant anything At least he would have tried. But he just left. In light of my personal circumstances I do feel like he just abandoned me and was slightly selfish. I done so much for him. I gave up something I really wanted after my mums death, I sacrificed something so dear something I really wanted and now I am left with the loss of that too

 

Maybe so, yes. But it's telling that he didn't want to try to work through this argument.

 

Someone who makes a great life partner isn't going to throw it all away over one singular argument. Remember that.

[lindt1111]

Yes I am 100% it is down to this argument and my behaviour. Yes I know i was out of line but on the other hand true love forgives and understands and considering that weekend was the first weekend I ever acted like that. In addition I had lost so much in the space of three months. The strongest of people would break down over that.

 

I am 100% it is related to this argument because any time we have spoke about the break up since then he always always reverts back to the argument and how he didnt feel the same since then. There was 4 weeks between that argument and break up. The first week he said was ok, the second he started to get a little bit angry with me at times and the third and fourth week the feeling kept growing to the point he felt something was missing and "not right". Two weeks after BU he then tells me he doesnt love me anymore and thats what didnt feel right. When he first BU he even said he needed to find how he felt pre that argument in March. how could he fall out of love in the space of 4 weeks? We had other arguments during that time but we also had equally just as much fun moments and talked on the phone 4-5 times a day, i spent up to 5 nights a week at his familys home. How he can just switch off so quick after all that I just cant figure out.

 

Yes we had a rough patch of arguments and I feel his frustration and the burdensome feeling of always arguing, but if I or the relationship meant anything I am a firm believer in telling me how he feels and at least trying to work things through - if it works it works but at least we could say we tried. Another thing he said that frustrated me was, in the two weeks pre BU he said he tried to find his feelings again and that he DID fight for me. How did he fight for me? How could one possibly refind feelings 1) over the space of two weeks and 2) without telling me so I could also put ineffort to help him

[ExpatInItaly]

Everything you just posted is how you know this guy isn't the one for you, OP.

 

Something changed for him, and he had no interest in resolving it with you. Tormenting yourself trying to figure it out won't help you, as it will likely never really make sense to you. He had already given you all the answers he's prepared to give, it seems. If you are totally convinced this was entirely based on one argument, then you also need to accept that it was so bad for him that is completely turned him off to the point that he saw no future anymore. That's all you can really go on, if you accept his explanation as 100% truthful.

 

Instead of going over and over the breakup in your mind, focus now on how you are going to move forward. What steps have you taken and will you take to heal? That is where you need to spend your energy now. It will get easier as time passes. It's true that you will continue to hurt for a while, but the less you see and speak to him, the more normal it will feel to begin this new phase of your life without him there. It's strange and scary at first, but it will get better for you.

Edited July 9, 2018 by ExpatInItaly