In-laws feeding daughter junk food

[Ravensglen]

Hello everyone! A bit of background here, I have two daughters, a 6 month old and 3 year old. I try to eat pretty healthily at home most of the time, my 3 yo eats things like whole wheat pasta, cheese sticks, PB, broccoli, sweet potatoes, etc. sometimes I give her flavored oatmeal for breakfast (the sugary kind) or goldfish crackers, which I know are full of sodium. I will give her the occasional treats (flavored caramel rice cakes, nutri grain bars, etc.) but my husband is countering my effforts by giving our daughter candy, cookies, and lollipops. It makes me angry because our 3 yo is not asking for it, he derives some sort of pleasure from it that I don’t understand. I don’t buy the cookies and lollipopss, he buys them and brings them into the house.

 

My in laws eat like sh*t. They eat muffins for breakfast (to me, a muffin is cake, the first ingredient is sugar), heavy meats, butter on everything, and if there is a “ vegetable” it is always covered in butter. I HATE eating at their house because it basically undos my effort of being healthy. They also feed my daughter junk- cookies. Candy, etc. They know I don’t like it, but my husband openly tells them I am too extreme and allows it. With his permission, they do it, knowing that I openly disapprove. This is becoming an issue for me in the marriage because my wishes are being disrespected by my husband. My in laws think I have food issues because in their mind, it’s fine for kids to eat junk food once in a while. To me, they feed her junk frequently and it’s not just “once in a while” — more like every meal. I resent them, I resent my husband and feel like I have no control when it’s MY KID. She’s my husbands kid too but I feel like when I’m aelund them I am outnumbered and what I want doesn’t matter.

 

I had an eating disorder when I was younger (early 20’s) and I am 31 now- and my husband brings this up as the reason for my objections to feeding our day the junk food. He says I’m projecting my “food issues” onto her. I think my wishes for my daughter have more to do with “common sense” than eating disorder issues but I am open to input from others.

 

Also my in laws live in another state but we visit with them about once every 3 months.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Also my in laws live in another state but we visit with them about once every 3 months.

 

Girl, relax. Your child isn't going to develop cavities or become obese from eating junk food every three months. Giving kids junk food is practically in the grandparent job description. Growing up, my sis and I could hardly wait to get to my grandmother's house to visit because of her candy drawer in the dining room hutch.

 

My ex-H once made his own mother so angry about this same issue (over Easter basket candy if you can believe that) that she threw a cup of iced tea across her own living room. Let grandparents be grandparents and spoil the kids a little!

[SunnyWeather]

personally, I agree with the OP, sugar is like crack and can affect a child's development and lead to other health problems as an adult. It's outrageous how much sugar is added to everything in the American diet, and the early childhood brainwashing to consume sugary 'treats' is abysmal.

 

Here's the deal, OP, if you and your H are not on the same page with this issue, you might as well be talking to the wind. It seems that that's where your focus should be to rectify this. It might take a neutral professional to help facilitate this better.

 

Incorporating other healthy eating strategies for your family is also a good idea. Wholesome, non processed foods can be the new treat with some ingenuity and practice on your part. I have to say, giving them that sugary oatmeal thingy first thing in the day is not really practicing what you are preaching.

 

...and I don't see the problem with your in-laws using real butter. It's the processed crap I'd be concerned with, and that includes goldfish crackers you give them.

 

do some research and find a balance for your family. The fact that you had an eating disorder gives you an insight that should inform healthy choices, and you should not be put down or told you're projecting because of that.

 

good luck!

[Otter2569]

... The fact that you had an eating disorder gives you an insight that should inform healthy choices, and you should not be put down or told you're projecting because of that.

 

My GFs daughter has, I believe, an eating disorder / weight issue. The therapist told GF that the girl is comfortable with herself and that if YOU make weight and food an issue, it WILL become an issue for her.

 

GF now goes to the therapist to learn how to effectively navigate this situation. Go figure!?

[JuneL]

I also you should let it go if they just visit your in-laws once every 3 months.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe you are projecting your unhealthy obsession onto your child. If you feed her sugar cereal and goldfish and you're with her daily then imo you're a bigger culprit of feeding her junk food than they are, who are only with her four times in a year.

[burnt]

Why does your husband prefer junk food? Because that's what his parents taught him to love and like. So, he expresses his love for his kids with what he associated as "love".

 

Children in their young ages develop habits that last a life time. Your children are learning to associate "love" with junk food again and again through their father and grand-parents.

 

The problem is not the grand-parents; it's with your husband; he is trumping your wishes and preferences as the mother. In a war between healthy and junk, junk will win every single time and more and more your children will follow his style as they get older.

 

I read somewhere that in our adult years when we face stress, we turn to the kinds of food that were fed to us "with love" in our younger years; it's a way to self-soothe and self-comfort us when feel down. That's one reason why we drown ourselves in junk food when we are feeling depressed and stressed out.

 

I think, as another poster suggested, talking to a neutral party (like a counselor) with your husband would be a good place to start so that he understands your side and more importantly recognizes that his actions are directly countering yours and it's not a good news when one parent is essentially teaching the child to ignore the other parent's ways.

[Mr. Lucky]

My in laws eat like sh*t. They eat muffins for breakfast (to me, a muffin is cake, the first ingredient is sugar), heavy meats, butter on everything, and if there is a “ vegetable” it is always covered in butter. I HATE eating at their house because it basically undos my effort of being healthy. They also feed my daughter junk- cookies. Candy, etc. They know I don’t like it, but my husband openly tells them I am too extreme and allows it. With his permission, they do it, knowing that I openly disapprove. This is becoming an issue for me in the marriage because my wishes are being disrespected by my husband. My in laws think I have food issues because in their mind, it’s fine for kids to eat junk food once in a while. To me, they feed her junk frequently and it’s not just “once in a while” — more like every meal. I resent them, I resent my husband and feel like I have no control when it’s MY KID. She’s my husbands kid too but I feel like when I’m aelund them I am outnumbered and what I want doesn’t matter.

 

I think you're placing way too much emphasis on the effect they might have on your kid's diet during a visit 3-4 times a year. Continue to be the main positive influence you are 350 days a year and let the rest go. The advantages of having grandparents as part of their lives far outweigh the occasional cookie or pat of butter.

 

Choose your battles wisely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You & your husband really have to talk to end up on the same page. Until you do that you will have difficulty with the parents. When he brings junk in the house, hide it or throw it out.

 

As for the ILs if you want them to feed your kids a certain way you have to show up with the food you want the kids to eat. In my 20s I had poor nutrition & eating habits. I knew this & so did my friends. If they wanted me to watch their kids I was happy to do that but everybody understood unless they gave me the food they wanted the kid to eat I was going to feed the kid whatever I was eating & anybody who knows me knows I'm addicted to sugared soda. If the parents gave me what they wanted the kid to eat, that is what I fed the kid.

[bathtub-row]

I think you should educate yourself on what would be classified as junk food because a lot of the things you listed that you approve of are also junk and processed foods. Btw, if the relatives are using real butter, that’s not a completely bad thing. It’s the fake crap that worries me.

 

I’d suggest that you lighten up about the whole thing. You are never going to control everything your kids eat. Cook meals the way you want them and leave everyone else alone about it.

 

I cooked healthy meals for my son and had cookies and candy around the house. A friend told me once that she could never have candy around her kids because that’s all they’d eat. The truth is, they wouldn’t. They’d get sick of it. If you try to keep something from your kids, they’re only going to want it more.

 

Unless your kids never eat healthy and sit around doing nothing, then I would drop this issue.

[Els]

A few cookies once every 3 months is not going to make your daughter obese, diabetic, or otherwise unhealthy. I suggest you allow these indulgences, just keep up the healthy food the majority of the time.

 

 

 

I would also gently remind you that if you go to extremes in anything, your child is likely to swing to the other extreme as soon as they get any sort of freedom. When I was in school, I knew a few kids that had parents who had complete bans on "junk food" (and no, nutri grain bars are NOT a "treat " for any child!). What they inevitably did was spend most of their allowance on junk and stuff themselves silly in secret, because they would never get to eat it at home. On the other hand, those of us with more reasonable parents would buy real food with our allowance, with junk being more occasional.

 

 

 

I'm not saying you should be feeding her cookies every day, but if you are this upset about her eating them once in 3 months, I think you might be a little bit obsessed.

[preraph]

Nothing that's sold on the grocery shelf is going to hurt your daughters over the short-term. Let them live a little! Remember that human beings are very good at adaptation, especially where food is concerned. If our ancestors hadn't eaten meat in the winter, none of us would be here today, because in the hard winter, meat is all there was. Many people have lived to a ripe old age not eating healthy. It certainly won't hurt the kids. It's always good to provide well-rounded healthy meals at least once a day to keep them in vitamins and minerals, it doesn't have to be a constant regimen. So much is hereditary and not diet anyway.

 

Everything in moderation is a saying that's been around a long time for a reason.

[bathtub-row]

I would also add that when my son got into swimming during high school, he became super health conscious because his coach stressed healthy eating vs. performance. When he was in college, his diet wasn't that great but that's fairly typical in that phase of their lives. He's now in his late 20's and very conscious about what he eats. He's actually an excellent chef. I never drilled anything into him but always maintained a balance.

 

Believe me, there will be multiple stages to your children's diets over the years. Just set a good example, help them understand about processed and healthy foods, and help them be balanced about it all. They'll find their own way and you should trust that process.

[Veronica73]

I think you sound a bit controlling/nutty/OCD. Eating heavy meats, buttery vegetables, and cookies/junk food aren't going to ruin your children's eating habits and/or health when you only visit the grandparents 3-4 times a year. Think of ALL the food they eat in a year. I imagine what the eat at their grandparents are a drop in the bucket. I mean, they are yours and your husband's kids, so obviously, do what you want. But...moderation and flexibility seem like EXTREMELY useful things to teach kids. And a few crappy meals aren't going to ruin their health or turn them into emotional eaters who crave things that aren't good for them. And it's not like you are going to be able to control everything they eat for very long. It's better to give them the skills to make good choices, and that isn't done by not giving them any choices.

 

edit: looking back, I see that your kids are very young so "choices" may not apply. But I still think you are being a bit OCD about what they eat.

Edited July 10, 2018 by Veronica73

[Ravensglen]

Thanks for the replies, I am definitely going to think them over. You have all brought up some good points.