It’s been a long time

[hART]

So four years might not seem like a long time for some people, but it feels like forever to me. It’s how long I have been without any romantic or sexual relationship other than crushes or flirting. I have been working with a therapist and a case manager. My first relationship lasted ten miserable years. It was unhealthy for both of us and I felt like I was being abused. People would stop us in public and tell me not to let him talk to me like that. He strangled me once for about thirty seconds. It wasn’t the abuse that ended it, fortunately he asked to be in an open relationship (he loved her more than me) and I didn’t like the idea. So I had this weird drunken fling with another guy, if you want to call that. a relationship. Then a dated a friend briefly. After that I had a relationship with this guy I met at a punk show. It was also unhealthy. We talked about having an open relationship. I thought about it. One day I had a feeling so I rushed home and he answered the door buckling his pants, I asked what he was doing, he said masturbating and I knew he was lying. A girl appeared and he casually introduced me to her. I still tried to date him after that, but it didn’t work out ultimately, because he lied to me again and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I haven’t been able to date again since. Not very many guys seem interested in a 36 year old woman to begin with. I feel angry like these guys wasted my youth. I trust one guy, but he is unavailable. One guy seems flirtatious with me, but he seems to flirt with everyone, so I don’t trust him. I like him okay and we have something in common. I also have schizoaffective disorder, so I have considered just not dating. I feel fine without a partner.

[preraph]

Well, you are better off not dating than dating guys like that! I'm very happy you're seeing a therapist, because they have to find out why you are choosing these type guys. It may be something about your household growing up, that something about them seems familiar or normal -- or not. Probably a self-esteem issue, feeling you don't deserve better. But if your picker is just broken, you have got to stop doing the picking until it's fixed! Maybe let someone who has a happy life and good relationships pick for you.

 

See, I've dated my fair share of punks without ever having ran across one who abused me. So it's not as simple as just running with the wrong crowd. You are choosing and letting in and on some level feeling a kinship with guys who cross boundaries. That is what you need to work on in therapy.

 

Yes, it sucks you are wasting your youth and yes it's true at 36, your options go way down. You're going to have to grow and change if you want a relationship, or you're going to have to learn to enjoy life without one. That's what I did in the end. Don't waste your time and youth! Don't wait for a partner or even a friend to go out and do fun things. Live your life. Go do everything you like to do. Travel to the extent you can afford it. Make a home that's permanent, not temporary waiting for a husband. Make yourself happy. Really, no one else can do it. People are either happy or they're not.

 

Don't grab just any old guy because you want to have kids or something like that. Don't be careless and end up with one with some jerk you'll have to be tied to for 18 years either. Take care of yourself. You are not on the same path as anyone else. Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel fine without a partner.

 

I'll simply say, when I was single, I met the least amount of people when I was actively "looking" and the most when I wasn't. So live your life in ways that make you happy and satisfied and the rest will come. It's one of many things in life you can't force...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hART]

Thanks everyone for your responses! Yeah, it reenforces what I have been doing. This is great advice and I will think about it.