Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Happy Lemming]

I’m not scared of her but I’m scared if she finds out how I feel about him she will totally stop him from ever seeing me again.

 

Or she will dump him for sleeping with you right before getting engaged... Do you think if she dumps him he'll come running back to you and stay forever and ever?? He may come back to you temporarily as a soft place to land, but he WILL seek out another.

 

This gentleman had many chances to be with you prior to getting engaged, yet he chose another woman. You are NOT his choice as a life partner, maybe as temporary bed mate, but NOT as a life partner.

[preraph]

I just went back and read the post where he came over to get the rest of his stuff and wanted to talk and apologized for having sex, and he has already told her they can't be friends anymore. Then she flipped out and begged him to pick her, and he took off running. At this point, he's just on pins and needles about what she'll do in public. He's done.

[anika99]

Just got caught up on this thread. OP I know that you are in pain and that pain feels like something you can't control. Have you talked to anyone in real life about your situation? Do you have someone you can confide in that will not mock you or gossip?

 

Part of the problem I think is that you live in such a small tight knit community. That can have many benefits but right now it's a hindrance. You are trapped in this fantasy of this one man being your whole world.

 

It was explained to me once that there is a big difference between fantasies and dreams. Dreams are attainable. When someone has a dream they plan and work hard towards achieving it. If I had a dream of becoming a pilot I could map out a plan to help me turn that dream into reality. Where will I get lessons? How much money do I need? Will I have to move? I'll have to work and save xx amount of dollars to get lessons, then I'll have to move to xx city to get experience and then i can possibly attain employment with an airline and move up the ranks. Once I've mapped out the plan then I have to set and reach small goals towards reaching the big goal and stay the course even when times are hard and things look bleak. That's how to have a dream and make it come true.

 

Fantasies are just things we daydream and imagine. In our fantasies everything is perfect and easy. We are beautiful, people adore us, our crushes are smitten with us and in awe of our talent and beauty. In my fantasy I'm a beautiful lean dancer with unbelievable rhythm, grace and flexibility, and everyone admires my abilities and wishes they could be like me. Lol. It's hilarious because I'm a middle aged woman with a bad knee and I've never had a single dance lesson. My fantasy is never going to come true but I let myself indulge in it from time to time cause it's fun.

 

I bring up fantasies and dreams because in an earlier post you said being with this man is something you wanted and dreamed of your whole life and how hard it is to let go of. That wasn't a dream, it was fantasy. Again, dreams are goals that we work hard to achieve, fantasies are imaginary. Romantic interests are always fantasies to a certain extent because even if we do wind up being with that person they usually can't measure up to the person we imagined them to be. We have all had to let go of our fantasies or at least accept that our fantasies will never be reality.

 

You have become lost in your fantasy of this person. It's no longer a fun indulgence that you engage in from time to time, it's become a painful obsession. I feel like you need some person to person talk therapy to help you let go. You're young and this fantasy is a waste of your precious youth. It's time to let go of the fantasy so you can focus on some real dreams.

Edited August 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote of deleted post

[losangelena]

What Anika said, x1,000.

 

OP, I strongly empathize with you because I, too, felt similarly about someone a long time ago. I no longer hurt over it, and I'm here to tell you that you can in fact make it without him. You're hurting, but what will ease the pain is not what you think. It's not "having him" or "being with him," it's figuring out who you are fully apart from him. Right now you're enmeshed, and you will not really feel better until you get yourself untangled.

[Madd_hatter]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. Truth of the matter is, I was doing ok. I’m selfish, I know. I haven’t really posted on anyone else’s threads offering any advice because I don’t have any to offer. If I knew how to help anyone I’d also help myself. I’ve been doing ok though.

 

His wedding is in 12 days. It was supposed to be on the 19th, but they postponed it due to the hurricane that’s hitting this weekend. But 12 days. 12 days.... I am a wreck. I’m so emotional all the time. I haven’t don’t anything for myself at all. I don’t even want to. I can barely eat, sleep, go to work, just normal every day activities are so exhausting. I know him being married doesn’t really change anything. It’s literally the same. But it feels like my death sentence.

 

I stopped going to church. I haven’t seen him in like a month. It doesn’t feel any better or easier at all.

 

I need a hug

[nospam99]

I stopped going to church. I haven’t seen him in like a month. It doesn’t feel any better or easier at all.

 

I need a hug

 

Virtual hug to you, Mh!

 

I don't think I've posted to your thread already. But since I have now posted to give you the 'needed' hug, I'll add some 'mature' opinions....

- You are young. You are deeply hurt by the loss of the relationship you very much wanted with this man. Yet I agree with most of the other posters that you will most likely and hopefully 'get over it'. You have most of your life ahead of you and the chance that you will find 'someone else' to love and to love you back is great. Please be open to such a chance for happiness.

- I am concerned that you stopped going to church. Because of what you have written about the importance of your church in your life, I disagree with the other posters who have suggested you leave your church in order to avoid this man you are madly in 'love' with. Though faith means very little to me personally, I understand how critically important it can be to other people. I hope you don't cut yourself off from the emotional and spiritual support that your faith and your church give you.

- And because I haven't paid detailed attention to this thread (and I'm too lazy to read it all back) I don't remember if you have people in your REAL life who can support you through your painful emotional withdrawal from this man. If there are, I hope you are working with them.

 

Best wishes and one more hug.

[Madd_hatter]

Virtual hug to you, Mh!

 

I don't think I've posted to your thread already. But since I have now posted to give you the 'needed' hug, I'll add some 'mature' opinions....

- You are young. You are deeply hurt by the loss of the relationship you very much wanted with this man. Yet I agree with most of the other posters that you will most likely and hopefully 'get over it'. You have most of your life ahead of you and the chance that you will find 'someone else' to love and to love you back is great. Please be open to such a chance for happiness.

- I am concerned that you stopped going to church. Because of what you have written about the importance of your church in your life, I disagree with the other posters who have suggested you leave your church in order to avoid this man you are madly in 'love' with. Though faith means very little to me personally, I understand how critically important it can be to other people. I hope you don't cut yourself off from the emotional and spiritual support that your faith and your church give you.

- And because I haven't paid detailed attention to this thread (and I'm too lazy to read it all back) I don't remember if you have people in your REAL life who can support you through your painful emotional withdrawal from this man. If there are, I hope you are working with them.

 

Best wishes and one more hug.

 

No one knows that we slept together. My friends knew I was crazy about him when we were younger but I told them I was over him. I was way too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. Especially my parents.

 

I didn’t want to leave my church, but it was too painful seeing him week after week. Being around him would fill my heart until it was bursting at the seams and then leaving would just shatter it all over again. It was way too overwhelming.

 

I don’t know what else to do. I’m so tired of being unhappy.

[preraph]

Join a new church. Maybe you'll meet someone there.

[nospam99]

I was way too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. Especially my parents.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m so tired of being unhappy.

 

I feel very strongly that you would be helped by having one or more supportive people IRL that you could talk to ... and talk to some more ... and spend time with. You've been getting support from the LS crowd but that's not the same.

 

I think you hinted that you are located near the part of the US that Florence is hitting now. Would you be comfortable if someone from LS who lived near you met you In Real Life to try to help you? I don't know if anyone would be willing to do that and you and the other party would definitely need to establish trust before meeting. But it's a thought. I know that I've 'met' several people here on LS that I would want to help IRL if they were in need and I was in the right place to do so.

[lana-banana]

I know him being married doesn’t really change anything. It’s literally the same. But it feels like my death sentence.

 

It does change quite a bit from his perspective. Their relationship becomes as serious as it can get, in the eyes of your church and your community. She is no longer just engaged to him; she's his WIFE. They will have a marriage to maintain, not just a relationship, and that's a big deal. Meanwhile anything you try to do escalates from "girl making drama" to "homewrecker". You will get no sympathy from your church or community, and it would be all too easy for him to spin it as a crazy obsessed girl desperate for his affection. Remind yourself of that whenever you feel the inclination to see him again.

 

It's good that you stopped going to church. You need to recognize this situation not as a tragic unrequited love, but a horrible situation full of pain and self-loathing. You need to get in the state of mind where even just thinking about it makes you cringe. The first step to being healthy is recognizing unhealthy aspects of your life and cutting them out. I know the Oreos thing felt condescending, but it's absolutely right---you avoid the temptation the same way: you acknowledge that something you might want in the moment isn't going to be worth the pain in the long run.

 

How many days until Greece? That's going to be great! We did our honeymoon in Greece and I would love to go back, maybe get a chance to see Delphi...

[LoverOfDance]

This is just painful to read because i've been here before. MH, no one deserves this kind of pain. No one. It took me 5 years to truly realize this. I dealt with the pain of losing someone i felt in love with everyday of my life for over 5 years. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

 

The day you realize the gravity of what you're allowing yourself to go through, is the day you'll finally be free. You have the power to break free from this. You just don't realize it. It feels like there is no way out right now but i promise you, as long as you keep fighting, one day you'll find the strength to break free from all this. Don't give up. We are here and we are rooting for you.

[Madd_hatter]

We were supposed to be leaving for Greece on September 28th, but one of the girls mom is going for surgery so we postponed it until mid October.

 

I am excited about it but I still feel so crummy. Nothing I do is getting me out of this funk.

 

I know you guys don’t believe that what I feel is really love, but it sure feels like it is to me.

[No_Go]

We were supposed to be leaving for Greece on September 28th, but one of the girls mom is going for surgery so we postponed it until mid October.

 

I am excited about it but I still feel so crummy. Nothing I do is getting me out of this funk.

 

I know you guys don’t believe that what I feel is really love, but it sure feels like it is to me.

 

This type of situations suck but as you said yourself - him clowning on a wedding ceremony with this lady doesn’t change a notch, whatever is meant to happen will happen. Marriages fail with similar rate to any other relationship arrangement.

 

Don’t pity yourself and wait for him. If he’ll come around, he will. If he doesn’t - someone else will. As crazy as it is, we can fall in love many times. Every time it appears apocalyptic, it isn’t.

 

I was in love with a guy in the past, soon after divorce with wife N1 (which I was waiting to be finalized before stepping up our communication) he went abroad and impregnated a lady. Shotgun wedding soon after, the lady popped one more baby and few short years later I heard they’re divorcing too I’m glad I didn’t wait for him because he turned not to be who I thought he was, but 9 years later and 2 wifeys behind, he’s on the market once again:)

 

Nothing is permanent in this life besides death, just remember that and carry on.

[Honda750]

Wow. You’re so right. He figured I’d never ever question anything he says or does. In that case..maybe I should threaten to throw out his stuff or even worse,. Tell his girlfriend.

 

But even then, what would I be expecting? He loves her... not me.

 

Look , you just need to walk away from this whole situation , I’m still in love with my first girlfriend and never forgot about her all these years , but we moved on and it was prolly a good thing for both of us , don’t be vindictive , be better than that and be resolute in yourself , you ended up getting nailed by this creep but learn from this and move on with your life , Ok ?

I would have given up much to know a gal like you existed but life is funny that way sometimes and we end up in a lesser place ............

[Madd_hatter]

It’s happening in less than a week now. I’m so broken I can barley type.

[d0nnivain]

Get some of your closet allies together & take a road trip. Doesn't matter where you go. . . just get the heck out of town together. You can laugh. You can cry. You can get drunk. You can stuff your face. Do whatever you need to do to get through his wedding day without doing something foolish. Life is not the movies; you can't object during the ceremony. So keep yourself busy & far away from him, your phone & social media.

[Happy Lemming]

Get some of your closet allies together & take a road trip.

 

This is a great idea... If I could expand upon it, make it a camping trip (tent and all), off the grid, no cell service... nothing but friends, a camp fire & some marshmallows!!

[Madd_hatter]

My friends and I actually have a trip to Greece planned for early October. I’ve been hyping myself up for that but any free minute I get, my mind wanders straight to him. I quit going to the church that he goes too, I’ve blocked every social media account that he has, I’ve basically been avoiding him as if he were a disease. But it’s no use at all.

 

It’s eaiser during the day. I can manage to keep my mind occupied with my daily routine and what not. But nights..oh god the nights are hard. I can barely sleep and if I do, I’ll dream of him!

 

I always thought I’d be the one marrying him. I don’t know why I’ve always felt like we were connected. I don’t feel like she’s right for him. I’d make him so happy.

 

I wouldn’t try to break up their wedding lol but I don’t think I’d be strong enough to go. I don’t think my heart would be able to sit through that without breaking down.

 

Feeling so sad, lonely, rejected, like a failure, like all hope is lost. Like if I can’t be with him I’ll never be happy. He’s my “one”, I know he is. I’ll never be over him. If you truly love someone you can’t just get over them.

[Madd_hatter]

I have 6 more days until the big day. I’m losing it completely. No clue how I’m supposed to get over this. I’m at a complete and total loss. I’m scared for myself. I’m worried I’ll never stop feeling this way.

 

I miss him so so much. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh, his smile, he has a gorgeous smile. I miss the scent of him. I just miss him. I miss the way he makes me feel.

 

It’s really hard to let go.

[LoverOfDance]

Not many people understand the intensity of your feelings. I think that very few ppl experience this in their life time. I don't know how to define these feelings but i can say for damn sure that this is NOT love. Love would never do this to you. These feelings are so intense that you feel like you might explode. Love is calm, love is peaceful. Love is warm and feels like a very soft pillow. What you're feeling is hard, rough and chaotic.

 

Maybe it's obsession. I don't know how to define it but it is definitely not love.

 

Come here to vent whenever you want. Don't be hard on yourself. Continue to give yourself time. I believe you will get through this. You might not know how or when but you will.

[d0nnivain]

The Greece trip is good. Go. It will help with your funk more then you realize.

 

I hope your friend who is having surgery comes through with flying colors.

 

6 days from now you do need to have a distraction planned. You will need the support. As much as you will want to hide under the covers & wallow, don't do that alone. Isolating yourself is the worst thing.

 

Keep reminding yourself that he's a scoundrel.

 

Hang in there.

[preraph]

You need to get over the notion that you can "make him happy." You can't make him happy because he isn't in love with you and has chosen someone he is in love with to make himself happy. Once you find someone who loves you back, though, then you can make each other happy til your heart's content.

 

You've got to start exercising some self-discipline and not allowing yourself to make a life out of being miserable. A psychiatrist would say you must be getting something out of it. Of course, you're going to have a bad day on his wedding, but as everyone else has said, don't sit around. Go out of town and don't ruin everyone else's holiday by being dramatic and morose. Try to think of the good of the group and join in and have fun. Don't waste this trip by dedicating it to someone who doesn't love you that way. Let this trip be the beginning of letting it go and moving on. When you are in your 30s, you are going to look back and just detest yourself for wasting this many of your best years on someone in a one-way obsession when there are a billion eligible men out there, many of which would love you back.

[No_Go]

Just think about how miserable the wifey will make him and how he’ll want the F out soon after the clownish ceremony. This is the outcome of 50+ % of the marriages anyway:)

 

As I told you before, if it’s meant to be, it will be. Another story pops to mind, former landlord got back together with college GF after 40+ years!!! He had 2 wifeys+2 daughters in the interim but never forgot his first love... World has seen it all.

 

I have 6 more days until the big day. I’m losing it completely. No clue how I’m supposed to get over this. I’m at a complete and total loss. I’m scared for myself. I’m worried I’ll never stop feeling this way.

 

I miss him so so much. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh, his smile, he has a gorgeous smile. I miss the scent of him. I just miss him. I miss the way he makes me feel.

 

It’s really hard to let go.

[JuneL]

Just think about how miserable the wifey will make him and how he’ll want the F out soon after the clownish ceremony. This is the outcome of 50+ % of the marriages anyway:)

 

As I told you before, if it’s meant to be, it will be. Another story pops to mind, former landlord got back together with college GF after 40+ years!!! He had 2 wifeys+2 daughters in the interim but never forgot his first love... World has seen it all.

 

But your landlord was in love and had a proper romantic relationship with his first gf. This guy has never loved the OP and has never wanted anything real with her. This is an unrequited obsessive crush.

[lana-banana]

OP, you have got to do two things:

 

1) Make sure you have plans outside of town the day (preferably the weekend!) of. My mother grew up in a tiny, church-focused community much like yours and marriages and funerals are hard as hell. People don't understand what happens when there's a marriage or a death in a small town. Everyone turns out, everyone is affected. It is suffocating if you don't like the person and even more so if you're in "love". You need to be as far away from all of this as possible.

 

2) Start focusing on a long term without him. You aren't in love; you're obsessed, and it's keeping you back. Regardless of whether this guy's marriage works out (a young guy who cheats, my guess is no) you are in an environment that makes it very hard to heal and see beyond. You can do so much better and so much more than waste time on someone who doesn't love you and doesn't want you.