Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[No_Go]

But your landlord was in love and had a proper romantic relationship with his first gf. This guy has never loved the OP and has never wanted anything real with her. This is an unrequited obsessive crush.

 

For my ex-landlord, not sure how 'proper' their relationship was. Lol it was in the late 70s they probably don't remember much. They got close again when her partner committed suicide and his 2nd wife left him. Go figure...

 

In OP's case I only skimmed the thread but I don't think the crush is one sided, such intensity does not form in a vacuum. He knows the 'fiancee' since last November - not even an year, this is a d*mn joke of a relationship... I think what's happening is the church (and/or 'fiancee's' religious family) is pressing him and he had to 'figure things out' fast. These type of unions break as fast as they form more often than not...

 

Not giving OP false hopes - something is obviously stopping him from being with her (again didn't read the whole thread - is it age difference? families? religion?). But to fret over a church going chick clowning in white dress (which is what their 'wedding' will be) is stupid. It's a day like any other, she should continue 'business as usual' as they say... Now married or not, he didn't want to be with her but both this and his married status are a possible subject of change

[JuneL]

Her obsession is going to send any man running for the hills.

 

It’s pretty clear this guy won’t want her, even if the fiance is not around. It’s silly hoping for their divorce.

 

No, I don’t believe he picked some random woman to marry due to pressure, or else he would have picked the OP whom he has known for years.

Edited September 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[preraph]

For my ex-landlord, not sure how 'proper' their relationship was. Lol it was in the late 70s they probably don't remember much. They got close again when her partner committed suicide and his 2nd wife left him. Go figure...

 

In OP's case I only skimmed the thread but I don't think the crush is one sided, such intensity does not form in a vacuum. He knows the 'fiancee' since last November - not even an year, this is a d*mn joke of a relationship... I think what's happening is the church (and/or 'fiancee's' religious family) is pressing him and he had to 'figure things out' fast. These type of unions break as fast as they form more often than not...

 

Not giving OP false hopes - something is obviously stopping him from being with her (again didn't read the whole thread - is it age difference? families? religion?). But to fret over a church going chick clowning in white dress (which is what their 'wedding' will be) is stupid. It's a day like any other, she should continue 'business as usual' as they say... Now married or not, he didn't want to be with her but both this and his married status are a possible subject of change

 

You need to read it. This was never reciprocal. She said she has thrown herself at him for years and he told her he doesn't like her that way. He was a friend of the family who stored stuff at their house. They never dated. He never had a thing for her. She's confessed her love to him before and he did nothing about it. It was never intimate. He told her after he cheated on his girlfriend with her one time that they couldn't be friends anymore. Since she'd been throwing herself at him, he didn't know she was a virgin. They are in the same church in a tiny town. He's had ample opportunity and no roadblocks whatever. After he slept with her, found out she was a virgin, he basically panicked and knew he messed up. She was begging him not to go. She knew he was engaged when she slept with him. He told her they wouldn't be able to be friends anymore, she begged, and he ran out.

 

This is not an old love affair that is going to renew, and what this young lady doesn't need is to waste any more time waiting for him because she's always felt it was predestined just like we all do when we get a big infatuation on someone.

[Minneloa]

@preraph

 

Yes, exactly. Cosigned. The idea that this marriage might, one day, possibly, fail in the future is the last thing OP needs, given her intense pain and fixation.

Edited September 21, 2018 by Minneloa

[Madd_hatter]

I’m not hoping for their marriage or relationship in general to end. My main concern is myself. I am not justifying my feelings, I know they weren’t ever reciprocated. I just panicked when I found out any hopes I ever had were finally dying.

 

I have morals. I wouldn’t come between a husband and wife. I also can’t stop my mind and heart from feeling/thinking the way I do.

[lana-banana]

No one is saying you should hope their marriage breaks up; that's ghoulish and horrible. You don't have control over anything in his life. But you do have control over your heart and your mind, even if it doesn't seem that way. You can recognize this is a source of great pain for you and start trying to make a change. You need to start considering your identity independent of your obsession. Get out of town, meet new people, form new habits and hobbies, find a new church. You don't have to do anything drastic, but it will be healthy for you to recognize how much more there is to your life than this one guy. And when you do fall in love for real---for real-real, with someone who loves you, not an unrequited obsession---you'll be amazed you ever thought this was the same.

 

You're going to love Greece. What do you plan to see and do there? Also be sure to try at least one cappuccino freddo! I got hopelessly addicted to them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m not hoping for their marriage or relationship in general to end. My main concern is myself. I am not justifying my feelings, I know they weren’t ever reciprocated. I just panicked when I found out any hopes I ever had were finally dying.

 

I have morals. I wouldn’t come between a husband and wife. I also can’t stop my mind and heart from feeling/thinking the way I do.

 

I think you're going to find that you're going to start to feel a lot better after the wedding. I think you have that one event built up so much in your mind that it is causing such extreme anxiety from the dread of how you think you will feel. I felt this way as the first anniversary of my dad's death was approaching. (Wasn't nearly as bad as I feared).

 

Once he is married and completely off the market (although in my opinion he already is), you can begin to think more clearly about the situation (this man used you and his knowledge of your obsession for one last fling) and move forward with your life.

[No_Go]

Ha I’m not telling you to hope for ‘failure’ of their arrangement - it is just the most likely outcome, statistically speaking:)

 

Think of their ceremony as a comedy show because that’s what it is. Remember he doesn’t even know the lady for an year and he had sex with you on the verge of proposing- that’s exactly how much their show means/weights.

 

I know ot sucks but some distancing will give you new perspective. From what I read this guy lacks morals big time, it’s a shame he’s even entertaining going to church...

 

If I were you I’d NOT change anything in my life for him. Go to the same places you are used to, be brilliant and beautiful, be confident even if you feel terrible internally. Treat the show as the comedy it is. THAT shows character and distinguishes you from the masses.

 

Btw I’m pretty sure you’d find a rational relationship soon. These come with their own advantages and will greatly distract you. This is just inevitable in religious communities from my observations. It will bring you different experiences, it won’t be the same, but depending on your stage in life you may find it more fulfilling. I’m just real here, not trying to give you false hopes nor put you down; bottom line too many things ahead of you to focus on that will inevitably take your attention and decrease the weight of this story on your life.

 

 

I’m not hoping for their marriage or relationship in general to end. My main concern is myself. I am not justifying my feelings, I know they weren’t ever reciprocated. I just panicked when I found out any hopes I ever had were finally dying.

 

I have morals. I wouldn’t come between a husband and wife. I also can’t stop my mind and heart from feeling/thinking the way I do.

[LoverOfDance]

@No_go "Rational relationship"? You have an interesting and slightly strange way of looking at life. But i'm guessing this is based on your own experiences. Remember that life happens for everyone differently.

 

Op, you might meet someone tomorrow and eventually fall in love with them for real. You never really know with life. You have to open up, jump into the river of life and let the current take you wherever it pleases.

 

Life will hand you different things. Take whatever it gives you and do your best with it. Stop limiting yourself to this situation. There is so much out there that you are missing out on. You really just need to get out there and really live life. Experience more things, both good and bad. When you REALLY start to live, this experience with this man will recede further and further into the past. Even though this experience is significant, you will have so many other experiences piled on top of it. One day you will wake up and realize that your memories of him are beginning to blur.

[No_Go]

Ah I meant relationship that is progressing in conventional way. Nothing wrong with that, I just feel like these type of arrangements are a bit overrated...

 

OP's story brings me back to my own early twenties and a guy that I was crazy about back then, and exactly as you said - memories blurred and now his significance in my life, although we're still in touch for professional reasons, is minor. I'd say he's not my current type at all, my wants and needs changed so much in the past decade...

 

I agree with your opinion though, except you can't just go 'live life' on command, but it IS going to happen naturally to OP whenever she's ready for it. I bet this will be very very soon...

 

@No_go "Rational relationship"? You have an interesting and slightly strange way of looking at life. But i'm guessing this is based on your own experiences. Remember that life happens for everyone differently.

 

Op, you might meet someone tomorrow and eventually fall in love with them for real. You never really know with life. You have to open up, jump into the river of life and let the current take you wherever it pleases.

 

Life will hand you different things. Take whatever it gives you and do your best with it. Stop limiting yourself to this situation. There is so much out there that you are missing out on. You really just need to get out there and really live life. Experience more things, both good and bad. When you REALLY start to live, this experience with this man will recede further and further into the past. Even though this experience is significant, you will have so many other experiences piled on top of it. One day you will wake up and realize that your memories of him are beginning to blur.

[Madd_hatter]

I did a dumb thing....

 

He called me this afternoon and everything in me said not to answer... but I did anyway. We chatted for about a minute then he asked if I’d do him a favor. He asked me if I would pick up his cuff links from a place in town as it’s right near where I live and it’d be too far for him to make it across town. He asked if I’d bring them with me to church tomorrow.

 

I agreed. I know I should have said no, but I said yes. My head was telling me to say no but I couldn’t. And as much as I hate to say this, I’m so so so excited that I get to see him tomorrow fully knowing it will only end in more heartache for me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I did a dumb thing....

 

He called me this afternoon and everything in me said not to answer... but I did anyway. We chatted for about a minute then he asked if I’d do him a favor. He asked me if I would pick up his cuff links from a place in town as it’s right near where I live and it’d be too far for him to make it across town. He asked if I’d bring them with me to church tomorrow.

 

I agreed. I know I should have said no, but I said yes. My head was telling me to say no but I couldn’t. And as much as I hate to say this, I’m so so so excited that I get to see him tomorrow fully knowing it will only end in more heartache for me.

 

Does he not have a best man to do this? A father? Why in the world would he ask YOU to do this? Is tomorrow the wedding? Are you going?

[Madd_hatter]

Does he not have a best man to do this? A father? Why in the world would he ask YOU to do this? Is tomorrow the wedding? Are you going?

 

He does have a best man, and a father, so I really don’t know why he called me. It is right near where I live so maybe that’s why. Or maybe he wants to see me. I have no clue.

 

The wedding isn’t tomorrow. It’s Wednesday. Uhh, I was invited, it would look strange if I wasn’t, but I’m not sure if I can. I mean.. people will question why I’m not there, but I know if I do go I would be a total train wreck and just cry the whole time. I don’t think I’d be able to control that.

 

But I told you before, it’s a small community so people will notice if I’m not there.

[No_Go]

He does have a best man, and a father, so I really don’t know why he called me. It is right near where I live so maybe that’s why. Or maybe he wants to see me. I have no clue.

 

The wedding isn’t tomorrow. It’s Wednesday. Uhh, I was invited, it would look strange if I wasn’t, but I’m not sure if I can. I mean.. people will question why I’m not there, but I know if I do go I would be a total train wreck and just cry the whole time. I don’t think I’d be able to control that.

 

But I told you before, it’s a small community so people will notice if I’m not there.

 

It’s weird that he asks you for favors but see what he has to say.

 

If I were you, I’d absolutely go on the wedding! You can do it, cry it out before if you want, but go and look your best. Find a pair of great stilettos & dress, get your hair and make up flawless, good manicure etc. you can cry after but go there and look like a glamour model. Be the star of the show. That way you make a statement much different from the defeat statement you’d make if you don’t go. Let everybody wonder, not pity you which will happen if you don’t go. Remember - it’s just a show. Comedy show.

[LoverOfDance]

Hatter, DO NOT GO TO THE WEDDING. You have nothing to prove.

 

If you took this man away from his fiance, you would be putting her through what you're going through right now. Would you be able to live with yourself if you did that? I honestly wouldn't wish the misery you are experiencing right now on my worst enemy.

 

I honestly wish someone would save his fiancee from making the mistake of marrying him. This man is immature, impulsive and thinks with his "little head". He has a lot of growing up to do and shouldn't be dating anyone right now let alone marrying ! Why two women are dying to spend eternity with him, i'll never understand.

 

OP, i am very aware that nothing we say to you right will really resonate with your spirit because you're so deep in your feelings you're practically sinking. I just hope you wake up from this madness in time before you self destruct.

[nospam99]

If I were you, I’d absolutely go on the wedding! You can do it, cry it out before if you want, but go and look your best. Find a pair of great stilettos & dress, get your hair and make up flawless, good manicure etc. you can cry after but go there and look like a glamour model. Be the star of the show. That way you make a statement much different from the defeat statement you’d make if you don’t go. Let everybody wonder, not pity you which will happen if you don’t go. Remember - it’s just a show. Comedy show.

 

You're not her. I have an unemployed friend who has the good fortune of having contacts in the industry they are trained for. If I were unemployed I would be using those contacts to try to get a job. They are not me. They are not confident enough to make contact. Again, you are not Mh. While you have the self-confidence to pull off 'the star of the show' at the wedding of a man who 'did you wrong' and who you need to put out of your life., from what she has written about her feelings for this man, sadly she does not.

[JuneL]

If she were able to show up at the wedding without breaking down and making a scene, she would have told the clown to get lost when he got the nerve to ask her for the favor. What if it’s very far for him to pick up? Sorry it’s his problem

 

 

 

It’s weird that he asks you for favors but see what he has to say.

 

If I were you, I’d absolutely go on the wedding! You can do it, cry it out before if you want, but go and look your best. Find a pair of great stilettos & dress, get your hair and make up flawless, good manicure etc. you can cry after but go there and look like a glamour model. Be the star of the show. That way you make a statement much different from the defeat statement you’d make if you don’t go. Let everybody wonder, not pity you which will happen if you don’t go. Remember - it’s just a show. Comedy show.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He does have a best man, and a father, so I really don’t know why he called me. It is right near where I live so maybe that’s why. Or maybe he wants to see me. I have no clue.

 

Didn't you say you haven't been to church in about a month? Here's what I think. This manipulative jerk likes having you obsessed with him because it feeds his ego even though he doesn't want you romantically and is marrying someone else. He wants you in his orbit still. So he concocted the reason to get you to come back to church.....please pick up my cufflinks and give them to me at church.

 

Either that or he's feeling you out one last time before the wedding to make sure you're not going to make a scene and out him.

 

He's cruel.

[lana-banana]

Either that or he's feeling you out one last time before the wedding to make sure you're not going to make a scene and out him.

 

He's cruel.

 

The last time he made contact, someone suggested it was a kind of test; he wanted to be sure you were mostly okay and wouldn't rat him out. I have a feeling this is similar. He wants to be sure you aren't going to flip out. Either way, it's cruel.

 

Don't go to the wedding. Since it was rescheduled at the last minute you have a fairly good alibi for not being there. Going to a wedding and feeling intense pain and suffering accomplished nothing good for anyone. There's no prize or reward for watching someone you're crazy about marry someone else. Why would you inflict that kind of agony on yourself? You are the only constant ally you have. Take care of you.

[Beachead]

If you care about yourself, don't pick up those cufflinks and don't go to that wedding.

 

Focus on your trip to Greece with your friends and have an amazing time. Travel around, talk to the people, explore the culture, eat food and get fat, and get drunk and party if you wish. Make memories out of it.

 

Simple as that.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Beachead

[No_Go]

IMO running away from the problem is only making it worse. If she does NOT break down there, act confident, be beautiful, she'd at very least prove HERSELF her worth. The community will see her as a winner, not a sad little girl running away to cry, but as a strong confident woman.

 

In the end of the day if she doesn't show at the party this man is throwing this is still a statement, so why not spin the statement towards positiveness?

 

You're not her. I have an unemployed friend who has the good fortune of having contacts in the industry they are trained for. If I were unemployed I would be using those contacts to try to get a job. They are not me. They are not confident enough to make contact. Again, you are not Mh. While you have the self-confidence to pull off 'the star of the show' at the wedding of a man who 'did you wrong' and who you need to put out of your life., from what she has written about her feelings for this man, sadly she does not.

[JuneL]

IMO running away from the problem is only making it worse. If she does NOT break down there, act confident, be beautiful, she'd at very least prove HERSELF her worth. The community will see her as a winner, not a sad little girl running away to cry, but as a strong confident woman.

 

In the end of the day if she doesn't show at the party this man is throwing this is still a statement, so why not spin the statement towards positiveness?

 

Because she is not strong enough to do this. Most likely, she’s gonna have a panic attack there.

[preraph]

He's just seeing if she's still wound up and going to rat him out, that's all. It's too late now, but she should have just said no. He just wants to get through this wedding, but really, he has no reason to get to be assured of anything. He's nervous, that's all. And he just made it worse because he gave her hope.

[No_Go]

Because she is not strong enough to do this. Most likely, she’s gonna have a panic attack there.

 

If that's the case better not to go. But I think even the weakest person can mobilize for a couple of hours and keep poker face. Done this with my first massive crush when he shared the news he impregnated someone...

[Malin889]

This guy should not be asking you to “pick up his cuff links” because it’s inconvenient for him. Ick. Give me a break! This is an excuse for him to see you, but I can’t figure out why. He can pick up his own damn cuff links! As for you Madd Hatter, please do not go to this middle of the week (Wednesday? Really?) wedding. Don’t worry about what the other community/church going folks will think. Worry about yourself. Tell them you have to work and can’t make it (it is on a Wednesday, after all). Or don’t even tell them you can’t make it and just don’t show. You don’t owe this guy an explanation. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Go out to the local pub and commiserate instead with friends who aren’t invited to the wedding. Then after the wedding, move on. You can do it.