Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Amethyst68]

Hi MH

 

I've never commented on your thread before but have popped in and out several times. You've always been getting good practical advice here.

 

I was pleased to read the wedding posts, it seemed like you had turned a corner so I'm sad that if anything it all seems worse for you now.

 

Can I ask a question? Is this the first type of obsessive behavior you've ever had? In other aspects of your life do you become fixated on things/people/your thoughts on the way things should be?

 

My reason for asking is that while I agree you need IC to stop your obsession with this man I also think you need it to ensure you don't replace the obsession with another. People tend to have obsessive/addictive personality types and if you don't want to repeat these feelings over and over then you need tools to deal with them. What I am trying to say is if this is you when you've not been in a relationship can you honestly say you'd be able to deal with the breakup of an actual relationship.

 

AGAIN You also need to make sure you don't replace him with another obsession/addiction.

 

I may as well say that while I think the man here has not been the most likable person the only dishonorable thing he has done was sleep with the OP and not tell his now wife. This may be unpopular but I also think that the wronged person is the wife. The OP freely admits sleeping with him, knowing the situation but wanting him to take her virginity. While I do feel sorry for her, her posts have stated he made it clear he had no romantic feelings for her but she continued to let her feelings be known. Now he is clearly a POS for taking the OP up on her offer but she was a young woman a had to take some responsibility for her actions. There seems to be a train of thought that MH is too fragile to deal and it's all the man's fault but I don't believe so.

 

FINALLY, go to Greece, I don't know which part your planning on going to but I've been to 5 of the islands now and they're some of my favorite places to go and just clear my mind. Beautiful places and some of the friendliest people I've ever met. (Some of the dodgiest plumbing tho!)

[losangelena]

I second talkspace.

 

When I was in the throes of my obsessive relationship, the actual "relationship" part lasted a little less than two years, but my obsessive ruminating lasted a good year after we stopped talking. I did not seek mental health care at the time, but to piggyback into what the last poster said, my obsessiveness came raging back several years later in the form of severe hypochondria. It wasn't until then that I sought out counseling, and it was only through talk therapy and meditation that I feel like I really got a handle on my mental health. But, that all took place over the span of about 15 years, and looking back, I wish I'd pursued some sort of counseling earlier, after I'd stopped speaking to this man. Might have saved me some additional anguish.

 

As far as Greece is concerned, I dunno. Even though you're getting away physically, there's still a very real chance your obsessive thoughts of this guy will not leave you alone. I get it, they are not just thoughts you can push from your mind. They're just there, replaying ad nauseum. My obsessive thoughts ruined a family trip to spread my dad's ashes in Europe. I was so miserable. Even the day my dad died I remember being on the phone for five hours with my guy, trying to talk through something but just going in circles. It can be a real joy killer, and I understand your desire to want to postpone.

 

I don't know what it is, but your memories of him and your pining for him is doing SOMETHING for you. Otherwise you wouldn't continue in it. Like I've said before, eventually you'll drop it, but it could be a while. I remember the first day I went without thinking of him at all and it was so liberating. But it didn't come after some big a-ha moment. Getting past the obsession was like waiting for the world's biggest and deepest splinter to work itself out.

[Happy Lemming]

Hey guys, catching up on the posts.

 

Since you are catching up on posts... I've been wondering about why he picked this other woman over you. Clearly, he knows how devoted you would have been to him and you two were already "long-term" friends, so my brain won't let go of "WHY??"

 

Is the new wife thinner than you?? Prettier?? Has a hair color he desires?? Bigger breasts?? What do you think it is that "she has" that you don't?? Did he ever mention anything about you?? Is there something "physical" that she has, that you don't??

 

Personally, I did date someone "long-term" that had a similar devotion to me. She went out of her way to make me happy. I get the impression that you would have done the same. So, I'm back to my original question of "Why her and not you??"

[JuneL]

If devotion is that high on the list, then those orbiters would have had a much easier time

 

Since you are catching up on posts... I've been wondering about why he picked this other woman over you. Clearly, he knows how devoted you would have been to him and you two were already "long-term" friends, so my brain won't let go of "WHY??"

 

Is the new wife thinner than you?? Prettier?? Has a hair color he desires?? Bigger breasts?? What do you think it is that "she has" that you don't?? Did he ever mention anything about you?? Is there something "physical" that she has, that you don't??

 

Personally, I did date someone "long-term" that had a similar devotion to me. She went out of her way to make me happy. I get the impression that you would have done the same. So, I'm back to my original question of "Why her and not you??"

[losangelena]

Is the new wife thinner than you?? Prettier?? Has a hair color he desires?? Bigger breasts?? What do you think it is that "she has" that you don't?? Did he ever mention anything about you?? Is there something "physical" that she has, that you don't?

 

Oh Jesus, can we not make OP go down this train of thought, please? She's struggling with self-worth and self-identity, and now she has to wonder why she wasn't "pretty enough" or wonder "what's she got that I don't?" You know that that woman has that OP doesn't? A questionable husband.

 

How 'bout we avoid the compare and despair on this one.

[Happy Lemming]

Oh Jesus, can we not make OP go down this train of thought, please? She's struggling with self-worth and self-identity, and now she has to wonder why she wasn't "pretty enough" or wonder "what's she got that I don't?" You know that that woman has that OP doesn't? A questionable husband.

 

How 'bout we avoid the compare and despair on this one.

 

This thread is 25 pages long... we already have been though despair. We have delved into every aspect of the OP, the guy and his new wife. I have not read one stitch about "physical appearance".

 

It seems logical to ask the question, at this point.

 

Maybe we can get to the bottom of this conundrum and solve the mystery??

 

If "Madd_hatter" doesn't want to answer my questions, she doesn't have to. I'm sure she has already asked these questions in her own mind, 100 times over.

[Madd_hatter]

I can honestly say I’ve never gotten so be so fixated or obsessed with anything else in my entire life. There’s nothing else I’ve ever wanted more.

 

As for what she “has”, I’ll admit,.. she’s really pretty with a great body. Definitely prettier than me. I don’t think I’m pretty at all.

 

She’s thin, long natural red hair, green eyes, great breasts, beautiful smile and perfect skin, she’s peppy, so easy to talk to, I mean, she’s a great person and I can see why he loves her.

 

I, on the other hand.. am none of those things.

 

I’m short, not thin to say the least, not perfect skin, dark hair, dark eyes, shy and socially awkward as hell.

 

I’m not pretty. I know I’m not. And I think that’s mostly the reason why I’m so shy and awkward. I was always very self conscious about my looks. I hadn’t even kissed a guy until he kissed me. Never dated in my teens and haven’t dated much in my 20s either.

 

He’s the only guy I’ve ever felt like this about. He was my first crush, first kiss, and he took my virginity. All my first times were with him.

 

That being said, he’s way out of my league. I have always known that but for some reason still felt like we were meant for each other.

 

He’s amazing. Everything I could ask for in a guy. Gorgeous eyes, I sometimes freeze up when I look into them. He’s got this smile.. ugh, his smile! He does this thing where it’s like a half smile or smirk kinda think,. I die! He’s always been so nice to me. I was a nerdy kid. Not a lot of friends. He’d always choose to hang out with me over anyone else. He’d sit with me at lunch, we’d meet up in the halls between classes just to talk for a few minutes, we’d stay up crazy late talking on the phone or texting.

 

We were always there for each other. He never wasn’t available when I needed him. Id call, he’d come. He’d call, I’d go. I trusted him. I knew I could depend on him. He was my friend. It’s no wonder I fell for him. There was no way not to. He made it hard not to.

Edited October 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Minneloa]

I would strongly urge the OP *not* to go down the rabbit hole of thinking about why this man did not choose her; she is already caught up too much in rumination. The hard, cold, painful fact is that he did choose someone else; the reasons why can only serve as pointless added fuel to the obsessive fire, imo.

[JuneL]

I think she has already said the new bride is prettier. So what is she supposed to do? Plastic surgery?? Why do you think knowing why that loser picked the new bride is so important? Btw, I am sure there’re guys who think the OP is prettier.

 

This thread is 25 pages long... we already have been though despair. We have delved into every aspect of the OP, the guy and his new wife. I have not read one stitch about "physical appearance".

 

It seems logical to ask the question, at this point.

 

Maybe we can get to the bottom of this conundrum and solve the mystery??

 

If "Madd_hatter" doesn't want to answer my questions, she doesn't have to. I'm sure she has already asked these questions in her own mind, 100 times over.

[Minneloa]

Ugh! MH, this is what I was afraid of. Please don't be so hard on yourself, especially right now. People's preferences in looks widely vary. Curvy is in!

 

And, seriously, he's just not that awesome. He cheated on his gf with you. That's a sign of a major character flaw. Please try to see his negative side, even just a little.

[Minneloa]

Oh Jesus, can we not make OP go down this train of thought, please? She's struggling with self-worth and self-identity, and now she has to wonder why she wasn't "pretty enough" or wonder "what's she got that I don't?" You know that that woman has that OP doesn't? A questionable husband.

 

How 'bout we avoid the compare and despair on this one.

 

Cosigned.

[JuneL]

Okay, I have a theory. Do you think your low self esteem and social awkwardness is telling you (at least subconsciously) you’re never going to meet a quality guy, and that’s why you cling to whatever breadcrumbs from him? Perhaps you are afraid of going through rejections after rejections from dating. This is the kind of things you can explore in therapy...

 

 

I, on the other hand.. am none of those things.

 

IÂ’m short, not thin to say the least, not perfect skin, dark hair, dark eyes, shy and socially awkward as hell.

 

IÂ’m not pretty. I know IÂ’m not. And I think thatÂ’s mostly the reason why IÂ’m so shy and awkward. I was always very self conscious about my looks. I hadnÂ’t even kissed a guy until he kissed me. Never dated in my teens and havenÂ’t dated much in my 20s either.

 

<SNIP>

Edited October 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Madd_hatter]

I’m 5’2 and a size 8. I highly doubt the reason he didn’t choose me was my weight. I mean, I’m not thin, but definitely not big enough where my weight would prevent me from finding a man.

Edited October 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

Let's all post to the topic and post constructive advice and not post pokes or post something you wouldn't ant said to yourself.

 

Thanks

[losangelena]

This thread is 25 pages long... we already have been though despair. We have delved into every aspect of the OP, the guy and his new wife. I have not read one stitch about "physical appearance".

 

It seems logical to ask the question, at this point.

 

Maybe we can get to the bottom of this conundrum and solve the mystery??

 

If "Madd_hatter" doesn't want to answer my questions, she doesn't have to. I'm sure she has already asked these questions in her own mind, 100 times over.

 

I don't think the point of this post is for OP to solve some sort of mystery as to why this guy chose someone else, and frankly I don't think it matters why. The point is, he's unavailable, and now what does she do with all this yucky feelings and obsessive thoughts that won't go away.

 

And also, since we're apparently on this topic, if some guy had a woman this devoted to him, and he chose someone else just for dint of "nicer boobs," well then isn't he a shallow hal?

[lana-banana]

Oh Jesus, can we not make OP go down this train of thought, please? She's struggling with self-worth and self-identity, and now she has to wonder why she wasn't "pretty enough" or wonder "what's she got that I don't?" You know that that woman has that OP doesn't? A questionable husband.

 

How 'bout we avoid the compare and despair on this one.

 

I mashed the "Like" button so hard I might've broken something. Encouraging her to spiral downwards into self-recrimination, jealousy, and insecurity, all to end it with "lesson learned: lose some weight" is so cruel my heart is breaking.

 

OP, you are enough, exactly as you are. You need to believe that you're a wonderful person full of value regardless of what this guy thinks. You are spectacular in your own right. Someday someone will love you for that and I hope you're not so caught up in obsessing that you'll be able to appreciate how it feels to be in real, equal, reciprocal love.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

HeÂ’s amazing. Everything I could ask for in a guy.

 

Except for the fact that he completely took advantage of your feelings for him for one last fling before becoming engaged. He used you. Get mad about it. You won't get over him until you knock him off this pedestal.

[preraph]

The only thing preventing him from being with me was him not being interested. Maybe I scared him away with such strong feelings, it’s very possible. Maybe we were too close. We were very close when we were kids into our teenage years.

 

I don’t know. I agree with what someone said about him using me as “practice”. He was not and never had been a “womanizer” or anything like that. So I guess it would be good experience to use me.

 

Yes, and it was when he was a teenager, so it's just what you'd expect from a teen. You were who he learned on, because you were right there under his nose and made clear you were willing. He probably wasn't interested either because he knew you too long or you just aren't his type physically. But guys will practice on anyone willing at that age, trying to work up their confidence. Not saying it's right, but teenage boys and into their 20s will often do that. Trying to get some experience. Because they're certainly not mature enough to be trying to go long-term with anyone. Where he really slime-balled out was cheating on his girlfriend. Now, I don't know if he'd already had sex or not. Maybe he decided he better learn how before the honeymoon. Maybe she was saving herself. More likely, he just wanted to be with another woman before marriage took his freedom. Which I think a lot of guys do right before they marry, revisit an ex or see a prostitute, etc. Again, it's not right. Trouble is guys decide to start a family before they're ever ready to only be with one woman -- and a lot of guys are NEVER ready to be with one woman because it's a daunting thought.

[preraph]

If devotion is that high on the list, then those orbiters would have had a much easier time

 

^ A million times this.

[preraph]

Madd Hatter, you have dated other guys, so you know you are attractive to guys. A LOT of guys like the shorter women, way more than like tall ones, so your height is fine and you're not too big if you wear an 8, which is average for that height. So don't worry about that. You just weren't his type. Tall thin isn't every guy's type either. Tall women have trouble dating someone they're attracted to. What you're going to find out if you ever let this go and get some help with it is there's a guy out there who will treat you better than he ever did and like you for who you are and really be into you. But it's not going to happen until you get real about this guy and let it go. I think you ought to try that therapy website. I too worry that you'll just find another unavailable guy to obsess about.

[No_Go]

I don't think searching the answer 'why' is a bad exercise. For me this has always been the ONLY way to get over people - to find a reason. Even if it stings, some reason is better than no reason.

 

I firmly believe there is way more than the physical stuff. You don't stay friends for decades and mess around with someone who you dislike and share no attraction to. I think it has something to do with the church/community of the guy and OP, but she's the only one that can figure this out for sure...

[JuneL]

I don't think searching the answer 'why' is a bad exercise. For me this has always been the ONLY way to get over people - to find a reason. Even if it stings, some reason is better than no reason.

 

I firmly believe there is way more than the physical stuff. You don't stay friends for decades and mess around with someone who you dislike and share no attraction to. I think it has something to do with the church/community of the guy and OP, but she's the only one that can figure this out for sure...

 

I disagree. If anything, she should be a better choice from the church’s point of view, as she has been raised in that same church.

 

He just never felt that kind of butterflies with her. As simple as that.

[preraph]

After taking her virginity and then her expecting a relationship and begging him not to go in tears, he ran. He knew he broke her heart. She had always been after him.

 

Then because he was nervous if she was going to tell and mess up his wedding, he asked her to bring him his cufflinks like a go-fer just to take her temperature and reassure himself she wouldn't fuss and squeal on him. There's no deep meaning here to his motives. There's no love on his side for her. He used her to practice on as a teen, which isn't all that unusual for a teen, and then he used her to cheat on his fiancee right before the wedding, like she's some girl who pops out of a cake at a bachelor party.

 

He used, he took advantage, and all through it, he told her he didn't want a relationship with her, so she let him just use her out of idealism or stubbornness, not sure which at this point.

 

His river doesn't run any deeper than that. There's no deep-seated religious justification. As far as religion and their church goes, they both sinned here, so let's not try to find some inkling of sainthood in his motives, or hers, for that matter. He did what some guys do and grabbed the freebie. He felt no obligation because he's always told her he doesn't want a relationship with her. Everyone gets their fairytale destroyed by someone, and she got it destroyed by him after a long obsessive investment in him. She kissed him, but he was still a toad afterward. It's a painful lesson for everyone when they lose their innocence and trust.

[JuneL]

I think No Go brought up this point because her religious fanatic ex had to marry someone who was religious enough for his church.

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry but where the hell is all this religious fanaticism coming from?

 

All I can get is 2 people who have grown up together, about 1.5yrs apart in age with the younger girl always having a huge crush on the uninterested older boy. The girl by her own admission had been chasing him hard nonstop and he has kissed the girl a few times, then finally slept with her, cheating on his now wife. Now, the last part makes him a sleaze but but not a religious fanatic.

 

MH, I encourage you to look for affordable counseling. As I said in my previous post my concern is that you need to deal with obsessive part of behaviour. If this is how you deal with someone your not in a relationship with how would you deal with breaking up with someone you love?

 

Do you obsess over other areas of your life or have what could be termed addictions?