Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[LoverOfDance]

You said you blocked him everywhere but if he can still text you then you are leaving the door slightly open for him.

 

I understand, you have strong feelings for him so you can't help but hope. You need to close the door on him completely. Holding on to this tiny bit of hope is dangerous. I'm telling you this because i've seen first hand what an affair does to a family.

 

You had an opportunity to travel and leave the country for a bit and you didn't. I wish with all my heart that i had that opportunity when i was in your shoes. For various reasons that i won't mention here, i had to stay where i was. I stayed in my country and felt suffocated and trapped by my own feelings.

 

I tried to explain to you that travelling and leaving where you are is more of a symbolic thing. It's not about going to Greece and having fun, it's about starting the process of mentally detaching yourself from him. You said in one of your posts that you didn't want to leave because Greece "was too far from him". If you had left for Greece, you would have been sending a very small and subtly message to your brain that you are ready to let this man go. Healing won't happen overnight but travelling would have been a significant step for you.

 

I really want to help you get through this. We all do. All we can do is type our thoughts and hope that you listen.

[Madd_hatter]

Other church members have called. I’ve only said that I have been really swamped at work and I’d be back soon.

 

I didn’t lose too much from the trip. Just the airfare.

 

I ran into him today. For not more than a minute. But I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. He looks good. Better than I’ve ever seen him look. It was like a punch in the stomach. My god I miss him. I wished I could talk to him but I didn’t. He walked in and I ran out. I didn’t even want to stay in the same room for too long because I knew I’d keep staring and it would become so obvious.

 

Anyway, I just got home and I can’t stop thinking about him again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Other church members have called. I’ve only said that I have been really swamped at work and I’d be back soon.

 

I didn’t lose too much from the trip. Just the airfare.

 

I ran into him today. For not more than a minute. But I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. He looks good. Better than I’ve ever seen him look. It was like a punch in the stomach. My god I miss him. I wished I could talk to him but I didn’t. He walked in and I ran out. I didn’t even want to stay in the same room for too long because I knew I’d keep staring and it would become so obvious.

 

Anyway, I just got home and I can’t stop thinking about him again.

 

Where did you run into him?

[stillafool]

Didn't you say before that it may be part of his church duties to call and try to get people to come to church? I brought it up, but then you agreed.

 

It is the duty of the deacons to call members to come back to church. That is the only reason he called her I bet.

[Madd_hatter]

Where did you run into him?

 

A mutual friend owns a coffee shop and I was there hanging out with her and he walked in. It wasn’t planned, or expected, it just happened. As I said, we live in a small community.

 

As soon as I saw him, I literally ran out. I don’t even think he saw me.

 

@stillafool I agree, it probably was a call just to get me back in church. But in my head at that second, you couldn’t tell me that it wasn’t because he missed me lol.

 

I’m trying to heal. It’s not easy. All my reflexes and instincts still want him very badly. My heart still jumps when I see him and my first reaction is still happiness, but than I remember where I’m at, and how I’ll feel for the following weeks.

 

Even seeing him for the whole 35 seconds that I saw him was really overwhelming for me. I was up for most of the night crying again. I know.. I was doing better, I was coping a lot better, but i set myself back again. It wasn’t my fault though.

 

I just wish this was over already. It doesnt seem to be getting easier. I was thinking of starting to date other people. I don’t think I’m ready at all but I’m so lonely. It kills me even more knowing that he’s with her.

[JuneL]

You should have the mindset that you got to practice on a guy whom you think is good looking, instead of thinking that you gave him your virginity.

[Madd_hatter]

You should have the mindset that you got to practice on a guy whom you think is good looking, instead of thinking that you gave him your virginity.

 

Sometimes I’m happy about that. I think at least I had a chance to be with him in that way, but then other times I feel that that made it worse. Like I got a little taste of being with him and then it was taken away.

 

I don’t know. It all really doesn’t matter. I’m better some days than others, but the good days are too few and far between.

 

I was literally driving myself crazyyy last night. Trying to understand why he didn’t pick me. It doesn’t matter. He didn’t. I need to move on but my dumb head and heart won’t let me

[JuneL]

Sometimes I’m happy about that. I think at least I had a chance to be with him in that way, but then other times I feel that that made it worse. Like I got a little taste of being with him and then it was taken away.

 

 

You have completely misunderstood me. I meant you should have this mindset of using him to practice without any feelings involved.

[Madd_hatter]

You have completely misunderstood me. I meant you should have this mindset of using him to practice without any feelings involved.

 

I understood you just fine. But he wasn’t just a guy I found attractive, he was more than that to me.

 

I’m just stating how I feel about sleeping with him.

[Madd_hatter]

I tried praying and I can’t even pray anymore. My mind is running in a million directions and I can’t even pray. I pray for God to help me get over him but I don’t really want to. Getting over him would mean to really let him go and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to forget about him. I still want to be his friend. I want to be around him. I want to talk to him and I want to be close to him. I want him so badly my heart physically hurts. I get so angry at myself. I get angry at him. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why? Why won’t he even be my friend anymore? I’m a good person.

 

This is getting harder and harder. I can’t do this much longer. I can’t, it’s killing me. I can’t take this pain. It’s suffocating. It’s exhausting. It’s making me sick.

 

I pray for God to take it away but that’s not really what I want...at all. I want him. I need him. I need him so so much. I don’t know how to accept this. I can’t. I saw him last night I just wanted to run into his arms. I’m so broken.

[Beachead]

I tried praying and I can’t even pray anymore. My mind is running in a million directions and I can’t even pray. I pray for God to help me get over him but I don’t really want to. Getting over him would mean to really let him go and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to forget about him. I still want to be his friend. I want to be around him. I want to talk to him and I want to be close to him. I want him so badly my heart physically hurts. I get so angry at myself. I get angry at him. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why? Why won’t he even be my friend anymore? I’m a good person.

 

This is getting harder and harder. I can’t do this much longer. I can’t, it’s killing me. I can’t take this pain. It’s suffocating. It’s exhausting. It’s making me sick.

 

I pray for God to take it away but that’s not really what I want...at all. I want him. I need him. I need him so so much. I don’t know how to accept this. I can’t. I saw him last night I just wanted to run into his arms. I’m so broken.

 

I can't I can't I can't.

 

You can.

 

These thoughts are going to pass. This is how it is in the beginning MH. Excruciating, paralyzing pain for awhile until you can't take it anymore. Then your mind numbs you out..gives you a break. You'll feel like that for a day or two until the next wave of pain comes. That'll continue for awhile until you numb out again. Eventually, you're going to start seeing your situation a bit differently and its going to trigger anger..and then you'll cycle between pain, numbness and anger for awhile.

 

What's happening is your mind is processing everything. It's slowly finding pieces of this puzzle and laying them down onto the puzzle board where they belong and over time as you connect them together, you'll start to see the big picture. With that comes clarity and understanding and clarity and understanding will help you cope a lot better. Right now, you're trying to force. You gotta ride it out and let it be.

 

Ever been through a flu? Ever been through an intense night of drinking? The recovery is a process for your body. You suffer for awhile but your body slowly recovers with time right? Eventually you're back. This is the same thing..but for your mind.

Edited October 17, 2018 by Beachead

[JuneL]

So you lost the roundtrip ticket to Greece. Did you friends have to bear a bigger share of their accommodation because didn’t join the trip?

 

How many therapy sessions can you attend with that money?

[LoverOfDance]

What i detest about this is your refusal to take him off your pedestal. At this point, you should be able to see things as they are and you should be able to see him for what he is but you are still claiming he is amazing.

 

Struggle with your feelings for as long as you want but enough about how amazing he is and how much you need him. ENOUGH.

 

He is NOT amazing so stop saying it. You have feelings for a cheat who used his own friend to satisfy his lust and then threw her away like used tissue. THIS IS THE TRUTH and this is what you need to admit.

 

Enough of the lies. Stop living in delusional universe. Wake up.

[Madd_hatter]

Nothing else had been paid for yet. We were going to figure out a place to stay once we got there which I’m sure they already have. But yeah, I guess they had to pay a little more than if I had gone.

 

The ticket was pretty cheap. It’s a membership that gives you the cheapest rates during the month. So wasn’t actually that bad.

 

It’s not that I’m placing him on that pedestal. This is just how I feel. It’s not that he’s perfect, I just feel like he’s perfect for me!. Not that he is amazing, I just feel like he is to me. I’ve never cared for any other man like I do him. I’ve tried, trust me. Please believe me when I say, I have tried!

 

No one else does it for me. Even when I had slept with the other guy.. it was a world of difference. My mind was literally on “J” the whole time.

[Beachead]

Nothing else had been paid for yet. We were going to figure out a place to stay once we got there which IÂ’m sure they already have. But yeah, I guess they had to pay a little more than if I had gone.

 

The ticket was pretty cheap. ItÂ’s a membership that gives you the cheapest rates during the month. So wasnÂ’t actually that bad.

 

ItÂ’s not that IÂ’m placing him on that pedestal. This is just how I feel. ItÂ’s not that heÂ’s perfect, I just feel like heÂ’s perfect for me!. Not that he is amazing, I just feel like he is to me. IÂ’ve never cared for any other man like I do him. IÂ’ve tried, trust me. Please believe me when I say, I have tried!

 

No one else does it for me. Even when I had slept with the other guy.. it was a world of difference. My mind was literally on “J” the whole time.

 

You're scared and that's fine but you need let that fear in and let it ignite you.

 

So let me remind you.

 

He knew you his whole life. He could have been with you. He chose someone else. Despite all that history, everything that you are and everything that you gave, it wasn't enough to convince him to be with you.

 

And he's fine with that OP. He goes home..he has sex with his wife. They sleep well. They'll do family things together. They'll visit their parents. They'll meet up with their friends. They'll travel together. They'll have children one day. Their children will call him dad. He'll raise them. His life will go on and he'll learn and grow and gain while you will cry and fantasize over a guy who doesn't want you because you're too afraid to let go and face the future. Letting go of that trip to Greece was just a start of missing out on living. You're going to miss out on a lot more like meeting a quality guy who'll find those supposedly "terrible" qualities you think you have attractive.

 

There's your demon right there. I hope it scares you, hurts you, pisses you off. You need that.

 

Write it down and remind yourself of it everyday when you get weak. Start telling yourself "I can" and lace up those gloves, get in the ring, and make this thing wish it never tested you.

Edited October 17, 2018 by Beachead

[preraph]

Nothing else had been paid for yet. We were going to figure out a place to stay once we got there which I’m sure they already have. But yeah, I guess they had to pay a little more than if I had gone.

 

The ticket was pretty cheap. It’s a membership that gives you the cheapest rates during the month. So wasn’t actually that bad.

 

It’s not that I’m placing him on that pedestal. This is just how I feel. It’s not that he’s perfect, I just feel like he’s perfect for me!. Not that he is amazing, I just feel like he is to me. I’ve never cared for any other man like I do him. I’ve tried, trust me. Please believe me when I say, I have tried!

 

No one else does it for me. Even when I had slept with the other guy.. it was a world of difference. My mind was literally on “J” the whole time.

 

You have some work to do on your self-esteem if a guy who doesn't give two craps about you, you feel is "perfect for you." Number 1 for a guy to be even right for you at all is that he reciprocates your feelings and at least respects you. This one does not.

[Madd_hatter]

Thanks beached.

 

I stay awake almost every night thinking about those things.

 

Them having sex, sleeping next to each other probably in each other’s arms, doing couple stuff, being cute cheesy and romantic, just hanging around watching tv, one day having kids,. All of this is what keeps me awake. She’s living the life I’ve always wanted with the one person I wanted it with. It hurts me more than it angers me.

 

Like I said, I don’t blame anyone. He didn’t want me. I get it. For whatever reason, I get it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

 

I know he’s done crappy stuff to her and me, but it still doesn’t make me hate him. I can’t hate him. I can’t even stay mad at him.

 

I feel like I need to find someone who will pay attention to me. As selfish as that may sound, I need to feel loved or at least liked.

[Timshel]

I have read enough of this thread Madd_hatter to understand that you are in need of mental health intervention immediately.

 

 

I could dress this up and make it look pretty but I'll cut to the chase. Please do seek counsel.

[Madd_hatter]

What should I look for when seeking professional help? What should I expect? I really don’t feel like it would help.

[Timshel]

What should I look for when seeking professional help? What should I expect? I really don’t feel like it would help.

 

 

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/choose-therapist.aspx

 

 

28 plus pages, you know how to use the internet.

[Madd_hatter]

Ok, I just had a full-on break down on my way home. I stopped in the middle of the street and just broke down crying. People were staring, asking if I was ok, asking if I need them to call someone. Luckily, no one I know saw me. But I guess this is the last straw.

 

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t work, eat, sleep, I don’t want to hang out with friends, and I’m canceling trips that I already paid for, all while he’s enjoying his new life in wedded bliss.

 

It’s not fair for me to treat myself this way. I really need help. This has got to end somewhere because I can’t take anymore.

[Beachead]

Thanks beached.

 

I stay awake almost every night thinking about those things.

 

Them having sex, sleeping next to each other probably in each other’s arms, doing couple stuff, being cute cheesy and romantic, just hanging around watching tv, one day having kids,. All of this is what keeps me awake. She’s living the life I’ve always wanted with the one person I wanted it with. It hurts me more than it angers me.

 

Like I said, I don’t blame anyone. He didn’t want me. I get it. For whatever reason, I get it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

 

I know he’s done crappy stuff to her and me, but it still doesn’t make me hate him. I can’t hate him. I can’t even stay mad at him.

 

I feel like I need to find someone who will pay attention to me. As selfish as that may sound, I need to feel loved or at least liked.

 

Give this time and stay away from this guy. This is what's best for you.

 

You've done a great job of coming on here and seeking help but, you also could benefit from learning the right techniques for you to manage your emotions so that you won't get pulled by them so easily. Techniques to deal with your grief. Techniques you could use to help you understand yourself better. I can see that you know what's going on within you but you don't know why.

 

For example, I spent most my life giving to other people and neglecting myself. It caused me great pain and problems in life. Bad relationships, bad friendships. It took awhile for me to become aware of what I was doing what was causing the pain. I just didn't understand why. With journalling and alone time, and making a couple more mistakes until I was fed up, I discovered the why.

 

I was afraid to face my own life. That's the why.

 

My parents were highly protective. When I became sick with illness, they became even more protective. The illness and the medications also delayed my growth spurt which affected the way people treated me. Because I looked young, I was their little brother or a little 10 year old even though I was in highschool at the time. So I didn't get that push or that encouragement to act my age and reach my potential. It impacted me in such a negative way that it carried on into my adulthood. Didn't know what I was capable of. Didn't have the confidence to make the tough decisions in my life to get to where I wanted to be because I didn't want to think about it. Taking care of others and focusing on their problems was my way of avoiding my own life.

 

I didn't figure this out over night. It took years. Once I did, I was then able to change.

 

You have a "Why" also and this is what you should figure out, either on your own or with the help of a therapist/life coach. They'll teach you the techniques to help you discover the kinks within yourself. In addition to this, Time, life experience and writing will also change your perspective on things.

 

This is what worked for me. I'm confident it will work for you.

Edited October 17, 2018 by Beachead

[Blanco]

It’s not fair for me to treat myself this way. I really need help. This has got to end somewhere because I can’t take anymore.

 

OK, so what did you do today to work toward this? Did you peruse the link that was posted by Timshel?

[Madd_hatter]

OK, so what did you do today to work toward this? Did you peruse the link that was posted by Timshel?

 

Yeah, I did, and as much as I don’t believe in therapy, I’m willing to try anything. I’m so afraid of losing him which is dumb because he’s not even mine.

[Beachead]

Yeah, I did, and as much as I don’t believe in therapy, I’m willing to try anything. I’m so afraid of losing him which is dumb because he’s not even mine.

 

Looks like you hit that point we all do when you can't take anymore. I don't think you know it yet because you're still caught up in the pain but this is a huge plus for you. Your mind is open now.

 

Read other peoples threads. Read up on the advice. Reread your own. Write. Get that therapist/life coach, continue confiding in those 2 friends, stay close to your family or the people you love. This will be your support system. Time to grieve and continuing to work on you will do the rest. Your mind is open now.

 

Its uphill from here.

 

- Beach

Edited October 18, 2018 by Beachead