Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Madd_hatter]

Do you know why he ended such a long relationship? Were you close to him back then?

 

Yeah, we were close when he started seeing her. He left for college and she followed him. J and I started to drift apart after that, but he moved back home and she moved to Arizona to study medicine. They did the long distance thing for like a year, maybe less, then they decided it was way too hard. He was really upset when it happened. That’s when we started to get close again. Then he met his now wife and the rest is history.

[bathtub-row]

I don’t think he was practicing. That’s a pretty ridiculous thought for a man who’s already in a relationship. I honestly think there were/are several factors going on. I think he was considering taking the leap with his gf and ask her to marry him, however, I think he is attracted to OP and wanted to see what he might be missing. Perhaps he really enjoyed it as much as her, as he stated that being around her was tempting - or something along those lines. But I think when it came down to it, he couldn’t make the break with the gf. I also think gf’s health issues present a problem in their relationship - possibly with their sex life and causing him to feel guilty about dumping her. Perhaps he feels strongly about both women but felt he had to make a choice.

 

OP, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to see him as a bad person but it wouldn’t hurt you to let yourself feel some anger about how he treated you. If a guy slept with me and then vanished, we’d never exchange words again. That’s a big no-no. And no matter how much you object, based on how you act around this God of a man, if he even blinked at you, he’d get you to have sex with him again with almost no effort. I’m basing this on your past and current behavior and mindset. You’re far too easy and you romanticize this situation saying that it’s beyond your control. That would be your justification if it happened. Not trying to insult you but you’re puddy where Mr God is concerned.

Edited October 18, 2018 by bathtub-row

[JuneL]

Couldn’t disagree more with “Perhaps he feels strongly about both women but felt he had to make a choice.”

 

He had had plenty of time to be with the OP, but chose not to.

 

I don’t think he was practicing. That’s a pretty ridiculous thought for a man who’s already in a relationship. I honestly think there were/are several factors going on. I think he was considering taking the leap with his gf and ask her to marry him, however, I think he is attracted to OP and wanted to see what he might be missing. Perhaps he really enjoyed it as much as her, as he stated that being around her was tempting - or something along those lines. But I think when it came down to it, he couldn’t make the break with the gf. I also think gf’s health issues present a problem in their relationship - possibly with their sex life and causing him to feel guilty about dumping her. Perhaps he feels strongly about both women but felt he had to make a choice.<snip>

Edited October 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and highlight content

[No_Go]

Yeah, we were close when he started seeing her. He left for college and she followed him. J and I started to drift apart after that, but he moved back home and she moved to Arizona to study medicine. They did the long distance thing for like a year, maybe less, then they decided it was way too hard. He was really upset when it happened. That’s when we started to get close again. Then he met his now wife and the rest is history.

 

Ah here is your answer why he didn’t have a relationship with you: he wasn’t single! From all the time you knew him he was single for an year! (Excluding when he was 15-16 year old kid and you were 13 still playing with dolls lol).

Fat tracked engagement was probably partially forced by church leaders partially to avoid what happened in his LTR.

 

Even grosser of him - he cheated with you (kissed and flirted) while with his LTR partner... Ge was not ‘practicing’ on you, since he had a gf all the time. He was just sociopath using your affection. Wow what a bullet you dodged...... Lut of words.

[No_Go]

I missed that part, who had health issues and what kind of?

 

I don’t think he was practicing. That’s a pretty ridiculous thought for a man who’s already in a relationship. I honestly think there were/are several factors going on. I think he was considering taking the leap with his gf and ask her to marry him, however, I think he is attracted to OP and wanted to see what he might be missing. Perhaps he really enjoyed it as much as her, as he stated that being around her was tempting - or something along those lines. But I think when it came down to it, he couldn’t make the break with the gf. I also think gf’s health issues present a problem in their relationship - possibly with their sex life and causing him to feel guilty about dumping her. Perhaps he feels strongly about both women but felt he had to make a choice.

 

OP, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to see him as a bad person but it wouldn’t hurt you to let yourself feel some anger about how he treated you. If a guy slept with me and then vanished, we’d never exchange words again. That’s a big no-no. And no matter how much you object, based on how you act around this God of a man, if he even blinked at you, he’d get you to have sex with him again with almost no effort. I’m basing this on your past and current behavior and mindset. You’re far too easy and you romanticize this situation saying that it’s beyond your control. That would be your justification if it happened. Not trying to insult you but you’re puddy where Mr God is concerned.

[elaine567]

I missed that part, who had health issues and what kind of?

I must have missed that too.

[Madd_hatter]

I must have missed that too.

 

His wife has fibromyalgia and she was in a car accident a few months ago.

 

He only kissed me when he and his then gf were broken up. They were kids. They’d fight about dumb stuff and break up all the time.

Edited October 18, 2018 by Madd_hatter

[No_Go]

I see. Engagement happened after her accident?

 

I personally don't buy into the 'kids' behavior. If you are a kid, you don't date, period (I did this myself and I'm not even religious...). I think he just have tendencies to cheat and you give him too much slack because you love him, which is understandable.

 

His wife has fibromyalgia and she was in a car accident a few months ago.

 

He only kissed me when he and his then gf were broken up. They were kids. They’d fight about dumb stuff and break up all the time.

[Madd_hatter]

I see. Engagement happened after her accident?

 

I personally don't buy into the 'kids' behavior. If you are a kid, you don't date, period (I did this myself and I'm not even religious...). I think he just have tendencies to cheat and you give him too much slack because you love him, which is understandable.

 

No actually, they got engaged before the accident. He was the one driving the car but he got out without so much as a scratch. He was really banged up. They were at a red light and a car hit them on the passengers side. She got really hurt.

[Amethyst68]

You know every time I come back to this thread it gets worse, now it's some kind of 'feeding frenzy' trying to get MH to let loose her anger on J, letting her whole congregation know what went on and his wife too.

 

Firstly, if J is religious how do you know know he has not repented and has already discussed the situation with his pastor and come clean to his wife. If he's as involved in the church as you say then it's not as far fetched as it may seem.

 

Secondly, MH has already broken down in public we should be encouraging her to help find her way forward not tie herself herself further in knots of the past.

 

I would also be wary about putting to much into J's word choice during the phone call. I don't mean to be nasty but you were extremely upset during the conversation and it is not uncommon for our recollection to put our most favorable slant on things. It's possible he didn't say we but you heard we, I'm only suggesting this because I've seen it happen. I was the 3rd person in a conversion and saw the change actually happen when the conversion was recalled to another party. I knew what the original conversation was but the other had convinced themselves what they were saying was true!

[Madd_hatter]

No actually, they got engaged before the accident. He was the one driving the car but he got out without so much as a scratch. He was really banged up. They were at a red light and a car hit them on the passengers side. She got really hurt.

 

She was really banged up*^

[bathtub-row]

I missed that part, who had health issues and what kind of?

 

I think it’s fibromyalgia.

[stillafool]

Couldn’t disagree more with “Perhaps he feels strongly about both women but felt he had to make a choice.”

 

He had had plenty of time to be with the OP, but chose not to.

 

Exactly! He never had any intentions of being with OP other than the one time sex.

[Madd_hatter]

You know every time I come back to this thread it gets worse, now it's some kind of 'feeding frenzy' trying to get MH to let loose her anger on J, letting her whole congregation know what went on and his wife too.

 

Firstly, if J is religious how do you know know he has not repented and has already discussed the situation with his pastor and come clean to his wife. If he's as involved in the church as you say then it's not as far fetched as it may seem.

 

Secondly, MH has already broken down in public we should be encouraging her to help find her way forward not tie herself herself further in knots of the past.

 

I would also be wary about putting to much into J's word choice during the phone call. I don't mean to be nasty but you were extremely upset during the conversation and it is not uncommon for our recollection to put our most favorable slant on things. It's possible he didn't say we but you heard we, I'm only suggesting this because I've seen it happen. I was the 3rd person in a conversion and saw the change actually happen when the conversion was recalled to another party. I knew what the original conversation was but the other had convinced themselves what they were saying was true!

 

 

He said it more than once. He said and I quote “stop it Madd, we can’t do this”. That is exactly what he said.

 

I don’t think my anger would drive me to telling everyone what Happened. No one needs to know. My anger is just to motivate me to move forward.

[No_Go]

She was really banged up*^

 

Yikes sounds horrible. Almost symbolic

[stillafool]

You know every time I come back to this thread it gets worse, now it's some kind of 'feeding frenzy' trying to get MH to let loose her anger on J, letting her whole congregation know what went on and his wife too.

 

Firstly, if J is religious how do you know know he has not repented and has already discussed the situation with his pastor and come clean to his wife. If he's as involved in the church as you say then it's not as far fetched as it may seem.

 

Secondly, MH has already broken down in public we should be encouraging her to help find her way forward not tie herself herself further in knots of the past.

 

I would also be wary about putting to much into J's word choice during the phone call. I don't mean to be nasty but you were extremely upset during the conversation and it is not uncommon for our recollection to put our most favorable slant on things. It's possible he didn't say we but you heard we, I'm only suggesting this because I've seen it happen. I was the 3rd person in a conversion and saw the change actually happen when the conversion was recalled to another party. I knew what the original conversation was but the other had convinced themselves what they were saying was true!

 

You are correct and even if he did say "we" he probably meant the two of you talking on the phone is a "we". Nothing more to read into it.

[JuneL]

No actually, they got engaged before the accident. He was the one driving the car but he got out without so much as a scratch. He was really banged up. They were at a red light and a car hit them on the passengers side. She got really hurt.

 

Omg, the more I read, the worse I feel bad for the new bride.

[Beachead]

Just concentrate on moving forward now.

 

I saw some very key positives from you yesterday despite how bad you felt.

 

1. You admitted you couldn't continue like this.

2. First signs of anger

 

Both show that you are moving through your grief; the movement out of your denial and the beginnings of facing and accepting your reality. Anger is actually the minds initial way of dealing with the pain of it all. That's why I said you'll cycle through anger, sadness, numbness earlier. As time goes on, you wont need the anger to cope as much because you'll start to feel the positive affects of seeing the big picture. From there, you'll be able to reason your way out of the pain. But for now, you need to just let that emotion in. Do not avoid it or run from it and don't let anyone tell you how to feel or think. You have to feel it in its entirety. Get mad at this guy. Don't hold back. It doesn't mean you hate him.

 

Another thing is, if there is a time to start writing journals..it's now. I've consistently mentioned this throughout the thread about how important this is. It gives you a track record of your progress and your thoughts and helps you see patterns in your thinking. You can start to use them to correct flaws and improve upon your situation as well as use them as sources to get you through weak moments in the future.

 

I truly hope this is the last time you contact him.

 

- Beach

Edited October 18, 2018 by Beachead

[lana-banana]

For the love of God, why is this thread still focusing on him and his ambitions and his motives and his feelings and blah blah blah? For one thing, we can't know any of that for sure, and for another, why would you encourage such an unhealthy obsession?! Thinking about him even more isn't going to give her closure any more than scratching open a wound makes it heal faster.

 

OP, this is about you now. What are you going to do to build a future without him? Can you accept the rest of your life won't involve him?

[Madd_hatter]

For the love of God, why is this thread still focusing on him and his ambitions and his motives and his feelings and blah blah blah? For one thing, we can't know any of that for sure, and for another, why would you encourage such an unhealthy obsession?! Thinking about him even more isn't going to give her closure any more than scratching open a wound makes it heal faster.

 

OP, this is about you now. What are you going to do to build a future without him? Can you accept the rest of your life won't involve him?

 

No, Lana-banana, I can’t. That’s my biggest fear. I can’t live forever without him.

[preraph]

"We can't do this" was said because he knows he messed up having sex with you and has been scared of you twisting off your nut ever since then; hence, why he takes your temperature periodically -- but now you've unloaded on him and are doing the thing he fears most, which is talking about it with a possibility of his wife finding out, and that's why he said, "We can't do this," meaning "We can't bring this out in the open, really meaning YOU can't go nuts not and start talking." This is what he feared, and calling him and getting his wife suspicious is his worst fear realized. If he didn't have her antennae up already, which I find hard to believe, she will now, and he'll be very nervous, but I don't care if he's nervous because he deserves to be nervous.

[stillafool]

For the love of God, why is this thread still focusing on him and his ambitions and his motives and his feelings and blah blah blah? For one thing, we can't know any of that for sure, and for another, why would you encourage such an unhealthy obsession?! Thinking about him even more isn't going to give her closure any more than scratching open a wound makes it heal faster.

 

OP, this is about you now. What are you going to do to build a future without him? Can you accept the rest of your life won't involve him?

 

I agree with you that it seems some posters here are encouraging her obsession rather than trying to move her thoughts forward to improving her life. I think to constantly focus on him is keeping her stuck and she's doing enough of that herself without the people here helping her to stay focused on him. Doing the same thing every day (talking about him) is not going to help her move forward. You need to get out and focus on something new if you are not going to get therapy.

[Madd_hatter]

I’m not ok right now. I’m having a full blown panic attack and I’m worried about myself. I’m hyperventilating and my heart is pounding. I feel like something horrible is about to happen and I’m so worried I’m paralyzed with fear. I’m crying uncontrollably and I can’t calm myself down. I don’t know what to do to calm down. I’m so scared and I feel so alone. I’m almost tempted to call or text him again. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need help. I need help. I can’t do this alone. I need him to help me. Why is my life like this. Why can’t I just be normal. I don’t how what to do :( :(

 

I can’t breath and I can’t stop crying

[Beachead]

No, Lana-banana, I can’t. That’s my biggest fear. I can’t live forever without him.

 

No, your biggest fear is being afraid to find out who you are. This guy was never yours so you're fears of losing what you never had is irrational. It's about you and it always has been. So whether you can or can't, you don't have a choice OP, he's moving on with or without you. You can sit and cry about this everyday for another 6 months and do nothing or you can sit and cry about it and do something. Either way, this is happening so lace your gloves up, get in ring and beat this thing.

 

No more

Edited October 18, 2018 by Beachead

[Amethyst68]

Ok this may probably come across as offensive but really?

 

You can't live forever without him? I hate to break it to you but you've managed so far! MH - you've NEVER had him. From your own description it was a semi sibling type relationship that you did your utmost to make it into a relationship. J wasn't interested but kissed you a couple of times and slept with you at your after you instigated it.

 

You don't have a choice in this, you have to have recognised this obsession passed healthy a long time ago.. it's time to take responsibility for your own life and move own. J is not responsible for your feelings or for any part of your healing.

 

I realise I may be in the minority here but I don't think J sleeping with you was part of any Machiavellian plot to Mrs with you. I just think he as a young guy who had sex with a friend when they offered, oh he may have known you liked him but I doubt he was aware you were in love with him, after all from what you have said he had distanced himself through his relationships and school.

 

This is going to sound harsh but I think you've become addicted to the drama. Before it was all about the wedding and could you face going, now he's married it's how can you live live without him. There are over 20 pages giving you advice on how to move forward but you're no further forward.