Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[JuneL]

Unlike some posters on here, I think everyone is entitled to her opinions based on her experience and knowledge. But I’m puzzled as to why your resume and qualifications are relevant here. I used to have a friend who was a high-functioning alcoholics and who managed to be a tenure-track faculty in the top one department in his field. Just because he was a brilliant academic didn’t mean he didn’t have alcohol problems.

 

Also, the quality of PhDs or MDs simply varies so much. One of my good friends took two years to finish his PhD right after college and landed a faculty job at a top 3 department, whereas another took 12 years to finish his masters and PhD degrees from some ok places (I probably mentioned this acquaintance in your peter pan thread).

 

p.s. I should add that all the PhDs above are in some STEM fields.

[No_Go]

LOL ok, I was responding in (slight) annoyance about the credibility of my advice and I didn't want to elaborate about overcoming other stuff (more personal, in the relationship/friendship/family realm), so I gave a simple and (supposedly) neutral reference to studies. Can't take it back lol, it's written. But note taken.

 

Look forward to reading more from OP, retracting from the thread for a little to give her time to update us

 

Unlike some posters on here, I think everyone is entitled to her opinions based on her experience and knowledge. But I’m puzzled as to why your resume and qualifications are relevant here. I used to have a friend who was a high-functioning alcoholics and who managed to be a tenure-track faculty in the top one department in his field. Just because he was a brilliant academic didn’t mean he didn’t have alcohol problems.

 

Also, the quality of PhDs or MDs simply varies so much. One of my good friends took two years to finish his PhD right after college and landed a faculty job at a top 3 department, whereas another took 12 years to finish his masters and PhD degrees from some ok places (I probably mentioned this acquaintance in your peter pan thread).

[starlight8]

LOL indeed. I bet you're a strong S, I'm strong N (INTJ).

 

Wonder where OP is at on MBTI typing? It maybe a good distraction and insightful for her to take a look at this.

 

P.S. I'm NOT against therapy, and sorry if I raged the club with this opinion. Just IMO it's not end all be all.

 

You're INTJ? No way.

I was thinking you were the S in the scenario - you constantly refer to your achievements as 'evidence' of your credibility. Ns don't really revert to that.

I would have had you down as xSFP.

[No_Go]

All tests I've taken said so, except I think one said INFJ.

 

Getting even more curious where OP is in the chart

 

You're INTJ? No way.

I was thinking you were the S in the scenario - you constantly refer to your achievements as 'evidence' of your credibility. Ns don't really revert to that.

I would have had you down as xSFP.

[Blanco]

Soooo uh, what kind of pizza did you have with the guy, OP?

[starlight8]

All tests I've taken said so, except I think one said INFJ.

 

Getting even more curious where OP is in the chart

 

INTJs aren't known to be the best at human emotion problems, to be fair

 

In all seriousness though, I don't mean to sound as harsh as I may come across. I'm just super brutally honest and actually do care for this particular type of suffering the OP is going through - I've seen friends and relatives deal with it and it's always the same old long painful stretch. And nothing except complete No contact, therapy and a HUGE dose of rationality and prioritising logic has ever touched it in any of those cases.

 

If there was any other way - I'd be first in line to see it.

[No_Go]

Lol yeah, I'm contemplating on how to improve emotional expressions but so far, futile

 

Yeah, it's the worst, but it passes. I don't know a person that had not grown out of a heartbreak, some faster, some slower but we get there

 

I wanted to PM you but you don't have messaging yet - skimmed threads, seems like some of the things you've dealt with I have too (e.g. family stuff). That's another point supporting that all opinions matter - we're going to the same direction taking different paths:)

 

In OP's case - it's hard because she's young and living in a closed community. Nevertheless - it's annoying but not critical situation and it will only get better.

 

INTJs aren't known to be the best at human emotion problems, to be fair

 

In all seriousness though, I don't mean to sound as harsh as I may come across. I'm just super brutally honest and actually do care for this particular type of suffering the OP is going through - I've seen friends and relatives deal with it and it's always the same old long painful stretch. And nothing except complete No contact, therapy and a HUGE dose of rationality and prioritising logic has ever touched it in any of those cases.

 

If there was any other way - I'd be first in line to see it.

[starlight8]

Lol yeah, I'm contemplating on how to improve emotional expressions but so far, futile

 

Yeah, it's the worst, but it passes. I don't know a person that had not grown out of a heartbreak, some faster, some slower but we get there

 

I wanted to PM you but you don't have messaging yet - skimmed threads, seems like some of the things you've dealt with I have too (e.g. family stuff). That's another point supporting that all opinions matter - we're going to the same direction taking different paths:)

 

In OP's case - it's hard because she's young and living in a closed community. Nevertheless - it's annoying but not critical situation and it will only get better.

 

How does the messaging work?

If its not an option, could you post on my thread? Unless its too private, of course.

 

She will get over it, for sure.

The only reason I'm staunchly in favour of doing it right and properly is to save her the real risk of getting into similar situations after 'getting over' this one. This tends to happen A LOT in people who have the kind of reaction OP has and I wouldn't want for her to waste anymore of her precious youthful years in these god-awful emotional states.

Some people even live it their whole lives, only with different partners (same emotional states, different people) which is so sad

[JuneL]

She could do MUCH worse than that but I really don't want to spell it out here

because it is not productive and thankfully, she showed she's a better person.

 

But what would be your solution for her, quick or slow? You shouldn’t feel that you can’t express your opinions freely because some posters may not like them. This is when the moderators come in handy.

 

The OP has had a few panic attacks already. So she wasn’t even high-functioning on some days.

[No_Go]

Turn her emotions into something productive will be great. Sounds crazy, but writing a novel, a song etc in wherever her talent is will be so awesome.

 

Ultimate solution is of course meeting someone new but too early for that Basically waiting it out is what it comes to.

 

For panic attacks - I wouldn't mess around with this if I were her, ER or PCP can help her and refer her to mental health department or therapy if appropriate, and check for physical issues if any.

 

But what would be your solution for her, quick or slow? You shouldn’t feel that you can’t express your opinions freely because some posters may not like them. This is when the moderators come in handy.

 

The OP has had a few panic attacks already. So she wasn’t even high-functioning on some days.

[Victoria]

Moderation closing up for a review.

[Madd_hatter]

I had another thread open which is closed now. Feel free to check it out if you’d like.

 

I’m 23 years old and still single while most of my friends and people I care about are engaged, married, even having kids by now.

 

I have no one interested in me at all, and no one that I’m interested in at the moment.

 

I’ve come to realize that I have been obsessed with this guy I’ve known since childhood who recently got married, and it’s taken such a toll on me. I literally can’t get over the pain of him being married.

 

I’ve lost interest in everything. Even work, and I used to love my job. I got a promotion a few months ago, but I’ve been so out of it lately, I can’t even do my job anymore.

 

I can’t eat, can’t sleep, don’t feel like hanging out with friends or family, all the things I used to love.

 

I feel like I lost myself. I miss myself. I don’t remember the last time I had a good laugh.

 

I’m starting to really not like me anymore. I’m so unhappy with myself. I try to change but I can’t. I try but I end up giving up.

 

I don’t know what to do. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to be happy. I can’t get him out of my head. Call me crazy all you want. I can’t get over him. I try and I try but I can’t.

 

He’s all I have ever wanted.

Edited November 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Laying in the victim chair won't get you much.

 

There is no "the only one" or "soulmate".

 

There are many who could fit that bill.

 

Cheer up

[alphamale]

please see a doctor, you may be suffering from depression

[NotADayGoesBy]

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Have you tried counseling? It sounds like you would benefit greatly from some professional advice. I think you need someone to guide you through this and to get some perspective since you are struggling so much.

 

I posted this on a thread I started because I found it helpful:

 

 

There is obviously a lot going on with your situation, more than can be understood from a post, but my impression is that you have pinned ALL your hopes for life, love and happiness on this one guy. That he represents all the things you want and don’t currently have. No one person can fulfill such expectations. Since you never had a relationship with him you don’t even know all his annoying and bad qualities, so it’s easy to idolize him. If you see him as the perfect man, of course it seems impossible to get over him. But you can and will.

 

Getting over a broken heart is brutal, but keep fighting. It’s going to take time, which is the worst part. It would be so much easier if there were a concrete ‘end’ date to mark in a calendar.

[basil67]

Oh sweetie, for you to be distressed at 23 because you're not married or having kids makes me beyond sad. I'm 51 now and I was first married at age 20. I can't tell you how much I regret doing it so young. At your age, you should still be having fun, travelling and not settling down. To be honest, if my 19yo daughter got married and started having babies at the age of your friends, I'd be so disappointed (of course, I wouldn't say anything).

 

Before I go any further, what country are you in?

[lana-banana]

It sounds like your heartbreak has become severe depression with all its similar consequences (loss of self-esteem, anhedonia, etc). I struggled with major depression in childhood and early adulthood and can tell you nobody deserves to live that way. You have to make a serious, sustained effort to change your thoughts and behaviors that keep you dwelling so low. I wish there was a shortcut, but there isn't.

 

One important first step is to replace self-defeating thoughts with better ones. If you tell yourself "I can't get over him" you aren't going to heal. Yes, you can and will get over him. It's going to take a long time and it's going to be tough, but you can and will get over him eventually. Do you think you can accept that?

[d0nnivain]

Happiness is a choice. I used to get so angry at my therapist when he would say this. I was like you make it sound so easy. Do you actually think I am choosing to feel this crappy that I have to come to your office & pay you to fix me?

 

I'd wallow around in my house & feel so isolated. It was hard to get going. Nothing mattered & I felt soooo stuck.

 

Things changed & I was forced to take action, to get up, to get out every day. What I learned was that movement, action, helped me make the choice to be happy. The therapist had been right.

 

It seems sooooo overwhelming right now, like you will never get out from under & the walls are closing in. Try to remember you didn't get in this shape over night & it will take time to feel better but it's just one step at a time. You don't have to fix everything today. You don't have to have all the answers.

 

The best suggestion I ever got was Just do the next right thing. For example, you are laying in bed & everything sucks. You just want to pull the covers over your head & make the pain go away. Sound familiar? Instead do the next right thing. Push those covers off & get out bed. For me, the next bad thing would be to go wallow on the couch. Nope. You have to do the next right thing: go take a shower. After that get dressed. After that have something to eat. After that go to work. Yes, at all those decision points you could turn around go back to bed & continue to wallow but the next right thing is usually to move forward.

 

It seems counter intuitive when all you want to do is hide, but forcing yourself to rejoin the world is the right thing to do & it's the most productive.

 

 

Write down some goals for yourself & some action steps to achieve them. It's OK if one of the goals is to find a husband. Set up a plan to do that but understand until you love yourself you will not be in a good place to develop a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

[HiCrunchy]

Try meeting new people outside of that circle. More and more people are getting married and having children later in life.

Edited November 10, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[Madd_hatter]

I’m in the USA. Very small town, small community, very religious.. I guess you get the idea.

 

I’ve never done therapy. I’m embarrassed by what people would think. I told you, I live in a small, very sheltered place, people can tell what you had for lunch!

[Madd_hatter]

I have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing. I feel so dirty and ashamed of myself. I’ve done detestable things. I never dreamed I’d do some of the things I’ve done. It’s made me become such an ugly person.

 

I wish I could just run away. Change my name and move far away from it all.

[basil67]

While I wouldn't term it 'running away' you do have the option to make a fresh start somewhere else if you think it would help.

 

What skills do you have - or would like to have in order to work elsewhere? Do you have any contacts in other places who would help you set up?

[BaileyB]

I have so many mixed feelings about the whole thing. I feel so dirty and ashamed of myself. I’ve done detestable things. I never dreamed I’d do some of the things I’ve done. It’s made me become such an ugly person.

 

I wish I could just run away. Change my name and move far away from it all.

 

Making major life decisions in the midst of a situational depression is not usually a good plan. But, I have lived in a small town so I know what you are saying. Perhaps, it's time to find a new job, in a larger centre, where you will find more opportunity, new friends, and good counsellors.

 

You do need to find a good doctor, and a good counsellor, to help you to find your way out of this depression.

 

You don't see it now, but at 23 years old your life has barely begun. It makes me sad to hear you say that you are so depressed. There are so many wonderful things ahead for you, but you do need to get your life in order. Good luck to you.

[GinON]

You are 23 and all the kids in your town are getting married and having kids. I get that, I went to visit my folks while I was off for summer college break. All the girls my age were married or had kids, it was a small town in Mississippi. It felt lonely as hell. I went back to college and never thought about it again. Consider going to college or a training program out of town, expand your horizons and find a bigger world. It might be a hard thing to do but just looking into it might be enough to get you thinking about your own needs instead of satisfying all those busy bodies in your small town. I don’t know what you are judging yourself for, calling yourself a bad person but you are in charge of what you do next, stop handing your self worth meter to your village.

[KatCha]

You live, and you learn. There is no easy process when you are left with a heartache, but take heart, you have thed ability to feel deeply. The right person will come along, I have no doubt. Tell yourself that in assurance and let it fester in the old wounds. He is happy, and dearheart, you can be too. I am not giving up my memories or feelings of my past yet have found a way to move on peacefully. It took much heartache for me, but I pray that yours can become a fond memory of a tender love you once felt. There is no shame in love, losing it, and going through the fire, and coming out of it alive. Experience life as the person you are, and growth may be painful, but is often rewarded with unshakeable love for yourself and everybody you encounter afterwards. Some people find love after little or no growth and some after much growth in life. Maybe you are stronger than you think and will bring wisdom into your next love affair that you did not have before. I learned how to deeply, slowly appreciate the kind of love I am searching for in another person. I want much more than the young, naive love I had before, I want that solid oak, weathered the storms, and is scarred but still gracefully standing up tall with firm roots kind of love now. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs!