Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[KissingFire]

My ex-best friend is recently getting married to a man I introduced her to. She has two beautiful daughters with him and it is very difficult to be happy for her, as her life was all I ever wanted. I remember being 16 and hoping to be married with a house by 25, instead I'm newly single and self employed. The loneliness can be crippling, so I force myself to go out. I am grateful to have a nice circle of friends, all of whom are very different and like doing different things.

 

Have you thought about travelling? I went on a trek across America and there were 5 other solo travellers just like me, not only did I have the time of my life, I also met friends that I have been in contact with ever since I left. It was truly the best thing I ever did for myself.

 

Also, maybe a dog will help? I have a dog, and when I came home after my abusive ex dumped me for someone else, he was all I had in the world. He didn't need to understand why I was sad, he just wanted to comfort me. I ranted to him, cried to him, talked to him like someone only a dog owner understands and it made me feel better. He is so pure of heart. It also forced me to get out of bed every day because he always has a morning walk with me.

 

I think what you're feeling is quite common. Every ex I've ever had left me for the love of their life. I honestly do believe my purpose in life is to be the girl men meet before they meet the woman of their dreams.

 

After three years with my ex, I did not expect to be single again, and it's a scary world out there, but there are millions of people in the same boat. I joined a dating app, and am currently enjoying meeting new people and going on very casual dates. (I'm not ready for anything more and am very honest about this.) Having some nice, handsome, older men take me out for a hot drink or a nice meal has given me a lot of confidence. Will I meet the man I'm going to marry on there? Who knows. I'm so focused on my career and travelling more next year that I've just accepted that what will be will be.

 

I'm here if you wanted to ever drop me a message. I live on the other side of the world from you (UK!) but if you ever feel lonely, I'm always up for new friends. x

[losangelena]

I think it’s time to get out of that little bubble you’re in. I grew up in a tiny town, and I left at the first opportunity. It was scary as hell, but I’m definitely not a country mouse. Also, I get that maybe you’re worried about what ppl might think of you, but are you living for them or yourself? Or are you trying to be some version of yourself that you think they’d approve of? Personal freedom is not always easy to come by, but I think if you pursue authenticity, you’ll have a much more fulfilling life, single or not.

[Garcon1986]

For men and women alike, I think your happiness should be enhanced by your partner, but shouldn't really totally depend on your partner. That's a foxhole down a dark path towards a codependent or abusive relationship. You shouldn't let another person be the complete determinant of your happiness. In the meantime, your healing is the first priority. Health and happiness come first. Do as much happy stuff with friends as you can.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what allegedly detestable things you have done or think you have done but it seems people would judge you more harshly for those then seeking help. Do you think people would begrudge you going to the doctor & getting help if you had cancer? If course not. Granted in a small town they may all "know" but it's the same thing. Your depression is eating away at your soul. Stop letting that go untreated.

 

Drive to the next town over if you feel that strongly.

[JuneL]

I’m in the USA. Very small town, small community, very religious.. I guess you get the idea.

 

I’ve never done therapy. I’m embarrassed by what people would think. I told you, I live in a small, very sheltered place, people can tell what you had for lunch!

 

In your other epic thread, I asked if your stubborn refusal to seek therapy has to do with stigma in your church community. Now we get the answer. This is just so sad.

[Beachead]

I’m in the USA. Very small town, small community, very religious.. I guess you get the idea.

 

I’ve never done therapy. I’m embarrassed by what people would think. I told you, I live in a small, very sheltered place, people can tell what you had for lunch!

 

MH, your hometown does inhibit you in some ways.

 

For example, the therapy issue. You would so greatly benefit from it but you are worried about what others will think and that's a tragedy because it's something that can potentially prepare you for the future.

 

Moving to a new town where nobody knows you could definitely be a solution therefore. Somewhere that's close to your hometown. Driving distance maybe. This way, if you get homesick, you can drive back when you can or you can still video call/regular call your friends and family regularily. At the same time, you now have privacy. I'm sure there would be a church in the town as well so that covers the religious needs. You'll also meet new people so that covers social needs. You can get a fresh start, space, distance etc. and it'll be such a change that the shock might actually force you to think about other things for awhile. You can try it for 6 months to a year.

 

It is the one solution that can potentially address all your current needs. You just have to be away from family and friends in exchange. If it doesn't work out, there's no rule that says you can't move back right?

 

So if you don't feel better by next summer, then I'd consider this as a solution. Something to think about.

 

- Beach

Edited November 11, 2018 by Beachead

[Minneloa]

OP,

 

Would you be willing to talk to your doctor about what you are experiencing? Perhaps anti-depressants could bring some relief.

 

M.

[stillafool]

I’m in the USA. Very small town, small community, very religious.. I guess you get the idea.

 

I’ve never done therapy. I’m embarrassed by what people would think. I told you, I live in a small, very sheltered place, people can tell what you had for lunch!

 

No one is going to know about your therapy except you and the therapist. Why would anyone else have to know? When you make up your mind to stop being a victim and get help you will be able to move forward. Your healing is in your hands.

[No_Go]

Madd on top of of your love to your guy, I think the bolded has big time role in your sadness. I think subconsciously you think the community looks 'less' to you because the other woman is currently the 'frontrunner'. Close your eyes and imagine the flashy party never happened but they quietly signed in the courthouse - I guarantee you'd have felt better, although the result would have been square the same.

 

You have a super simple way out of this - build your confidence. Believe in your self-worth. Develop your strengths - physical appearance related and achievements too. You'd feel different. Not that you'd love him less - but you'd have a different perspective over the situation.

 

 

 

I’m in the USA. Very small town, small community, very religious.. I guess you get the idea.

 

I’ve never done therapy. I’m embarrassed by what people would think. I told you, I live in a small, very sheltered place, people can tell what you had for lunch!

[preraph]

I’m in the USA. Very small town, small community, very religious.. I guess you get the idea.

 

I’ve never done therapy. I’m embarrassed by what people would think. I told you, I live in a small, very sheltered place, people can tell what you had for lunch!

 

No one will even know! It's confidential. Whether online or in person, it's confidential. You need it.

 

And there's nothing embarrassing about going for therapy! Geez, you're already who went after a guy you know was proposing. I think that's far more stigma than seeing a therapist, and you seem to have gotten through that.

[LoverOfDance]

No_go, she DOES NOT love him. THIS IS AN OBSESSION. I don't know if you think there is some kind of stigma attached to the word "obsession". It seems like you keep claiming that what the Op feels is love because you don't want her to feel ashamed or feel bad? The human mind is not perfect. You have to be brutally honest and call things exactly what they are. This is the only way to move forward.

 

Also, YOU are the one who told her to go to that wedding when EVERYONE advised her not to. I knew she would listen to you because that is how obsession works. It causes you to UNCONSCIOUSLY look for confirmation bias. You unconsciously look for anything that encourages you or pushes you closer to the object of your obsession.

 

You (No_go) are now telling the Op to imagine that it was a court wedding. How can she do that? She can't because YOU encouraged her to go and see and experience the actual amazing wedding ceremony. Now, not only does she have to get over this man, she has to get over watching him promise forever and ever to another woman.

 

Op, you seem even more down on yourself than before. Has anything else happened between you and this man?

Edited November 15, 2018 by LoverOfDance

[Blanco]

I don't know how good of an idea it is to treat delusion with more delusion. Perhaps at this point, it would be good for the OP to face the reality: This is a married man and she is never ever going to be with him. Face and accept that reality and she's on her way to eventually getting through this.

 

Pretending this guy had a lame wedding and is now in a sadsack marriage is only going to wrongly keep the focus on him when the OP really needs to shift her attention inward. There's much work to be done.

[Madd_hatter]

Nothing else has happened between us. I haven’t even seen him since October 22. I just feel so dirty and gross.

 

Love, obsession, whatever it is. It sucks.

[No_Go]

I keep claiming it’s love because I believe it is love. We may define it differently- but how does it matter? ‘Obsession’ is a rude expression, maybe describing the type of thoughts surrounding the situation - IMO is harsh and unnecessary... half of LS love stories can be called ‘obsessions’ (count the ladies pressuring guys for rings, people clinging on a cheating spouse, guys trying to figure out why their gf refuses sex... all these are surrounded by obsessive thoughts).

 

I still believe she did the right thing attending the party. It’s MUCH worse imagining what things are than facing them. When you face your fears in terms of a situation like this - you see how small and meaningless they are. When you don’t - you make them grand in your mind. It applies for every aspect of life. ‘Forever and ever’ promises mean ... 8 years is 50% of the cases, much less in many others. Why make it sound like something terminal? Courthouse means exactly the same as white dress wedding, and one is turning older regardless of whether they blow the candles on a cake or ignore their birthday day. You get my drift.

 

In a way OP lost the guy. That’s illusion - she never had him before. Nothing changed for her, really. That’s what I’m trying to say throughout this thread, do you disagree? Anyway, we all have different opinions and which advice to take or ignore is entirely up to OP.

 

 

No_go, she DOES NOT love him. THIS IS AN OBSESSION. I don't know if you think there is some kind of stigma attached to the word "obsession". It seems like you keep claiming that what the Op feels is love because you don't want her to feel ashamed or feel bad? The human mind is not perfect. You have to be brutally honest and call things exactly what they are. This is the only way to move forward.

{snip]

Edited November 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lana-banana]

Nothing else has happened between us. I haven’t even seen him since October 22. I just feel so dirty and gross.

 

Love, obsession, whatever it is. It sucks.

 

This isn't love. Real love involves two people, engaged and involved together, working towards something greater and wanting the same things. What you have is a one-sided obsession, and while it may be normal to an extent (lots of people go through it), it's not healthy. It's closer to a drug addiction than anything resembling real love. Your fix of choice isn't even him, it's thinking about him, and you are suffering the withdrawal. We have all been there but there comes a time when you have to pull your way out. There is no value or reward in an obsession, except for the later realization of how much time and energy you wasted.

 

One day you're going to love someone for real and it's going to blow your mind. Until then, keep up the NC and start rewiring your brain to focus on life without him. You can do it!

[FMW]

As has been mentioned, people see love differently.

 

In my opinion, just because the situation is unhealthy, just because she chose someone highly unsuitable to fall for, doesn't mean she doesn't really love him. Just because feelings are not equally shared does not negate the validity of the feeling by one party.

 

I believe OP is definitely obsessed and needs help to work on that. Love frequently doesn't work out and we have to accept that and leave the situation alone and move on. There's something so much better out there waiting, but it can't be found until you let go of the old.

[No_Go]

As has been mentioned, people see love differently.

 

In my opinion, just because the situation is unhealthy, just because she chose someone highly unsuitable to fall for, doesn't mean she doesn't really love him. Just because feelings are not equally shared does not negate the validity of the feeling by one party.

 

I believe OP is definitely obsessed and needs help to work on that. Love frequently doesn't work out and we have to accept that and leave the situation alone and move on. There's something so much better out there waiting, but it can't be found until you let go of the old.

 

^Exactly. I couldn't say it better.

 

Imagine if she admitted her 'feelings' and forced him into a relationship with her, causing him to break up with his gf. Would this situation be more 'lovey'? I don't think so.

 

She'll move on, I have absolutely no doubt about it and therefore not banging it on here. Besides of the hook up (entirely his fault IMO - she was a naive VIRGIN)

Edited November 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

This isn't love. Real love involves two people, engaged and involved together, working towards something greater and wanting the same things. What you have is a one-sided obsession, and while it may be normal to an extent (lots of people go through it), it's not healthy. It's closer to a drug addiction than anything resembling real love. Your fix of choice isn't even him, it's thinking about him, and you are suffering the withdrawal. We have all been there but there comes a time when you have to pull your way out. There is no value or reward in an obsession, except for the later realization of how much time and energy you wasted.

 

One day you're going to love someone for real and it's going to blow your mind. Until then, keep up the NC and start rewiring your brain to focus on life without him. You can do it!

 

 

Truth.

OP, he is married, he is with who he wants to have a family and a future.

Furthermore, he is no prize.

[LoverOfDance]

No_go, as much as I want to scream at you through my phone, I won't, lol.

 

It's like sometimes you say the right things then some other times, the things you say just leave me speechless and not in a good way.

 

You talk about rude, harsh and unnecessary expressions yet you keep calling the wife's wedding a party.

 

Listen, it is good to face your fears but some fears are necessary because if they weren't there, you would seriously hurt yourself. Example: everyone is afraid of jumping into a burning bush. Should they jump in, in order to face their fears? I really really don't think so.

 

You are so scared of the word "obsession" and only you knows why. Obsession is bad because it steals away the life of the obsessed. Obsession can be terrible if the obsessed acts on their Obsession, if that makes sense. I have been obsessed and I am not afraid to admit it.

 

If you truly loved someone and you knew they didn't want you in the same way, you WOULD let go of that idea of being with them romantically. You would wish them well in love and hope they found blissful, lasting and requited love regardless of who it is with. You wouldn't cling on to them in your mind. This is NOT love. Op cannot have this man in real life so she holds him prisoner in her mind. This is not love. If it is painful and chaotic and draining and everything dark and exhausting, IT IS NOT LOVE.

[JuneL]

Close your eyes and imagine the flashy party never happened but they quietly signed in the courthouse - I guarantee you'd have felt better, although the result would have been square the same.

 

You have a super simple way out of this - build your confidence. Believe in your self-worth. Develop your strengths - physical appearance related and achievements too. You'd feel different.

 

I am completely confused by this post. Why would the OP feel better if the wedding took place in a courthouse? Some people love to have a big lavish wedding, whereas others (like myself) would rather have a cute little intimate one. There are yet others who never had a formal ceremony, but only signed the paperwork in a courthouse and went on the live happily ever after.

 

It's clear the OP's obsession on someone who has never reciprocated has to do with her self-esteem and love from her own family (or lack thereof). Unfortunately, no amount of physical appearance or personal achievement is going to build her confidence in having a healthy personal relationship: she has to accept who she is, including her imperfections.

[No_Go]

LoD I like some of your points.

 

Why I dislike the word ‘obsession’? Because it puts stigma around the ability to experience strong emotions, futile or not. I just don’t think emotions should lead to something- sometimes the experience (being love, anger, sadness, fear, empathy, you name it) are enough to make the change in us.

 

I don’t believe in dogmatic ‘I love you if / because you love me’ settings. I’ve had both reciprocated and unreciprocated romantic experiences and cherish both, I don’t think one has bigger impact because the impact comes from self.

 

You’re right I shouldn’t be calling the wedding a party, but considering the circumstances it feels so wrong ... Same guy had partner of 5 years before, now if that worked itself to a wedding, it wouldn’t have felt so phony and forced as the current relationship of his.

[JuneL]

Same guy had partner of 5 years before, now if that worked itself to a wedding, it wouldn’t have felt so phony and forced as the current relationship of his.

 

It's impossible for the OP to imagine the wedding is anything less, as she was there to witness how genuinely happy the guy was after having landed the girl of his dream. I'm sure the wedding movie has been played over and over again in her mind now.

[No_Go]

It's impossible for the OP to imagine the wedding is anything less, as she was there to witness how genuinely happy the guy was after having landed the girl of his dream. I'm sure the wedding movie has been played over and over again in her mind now.

 

Lol June that’s exactly as plausible as my statement that he landed on horror arrangement backed up by his church. All we know is he knows this lady from an year or so, the likely truth is its still unclear if this relationship has legs and which extreme is true.

 

Nevertheless - OP shined there which is a huge victory, no matter what. Being able to face her fears is probably the biggest lesson she could have get in this fragile age.

[JuneL]

Yeah, the 'stop-music' game that Elaine described. But these are usually aging bitter dudes, not a 25 year old boy that OP described.

 

 

Remember they live in a small tight religious community where everybody is getting married and having kids in their early 20s. One of my grad school roommates was from such a community, and her bf broke up with her because she wanted to do a PhD (in another State, no less).

[JuneL]

Lol June that’s exactly as plausible as my statement that he landed on horror arrangement backed up by his church. All we know is he knows this lady from an year or so, the likely truth is its still unclear if this relationship has legs and which extreme is true.

 

Nevertheless - OP shined there which is a huge victory, no matter what. Being able to face her fears is probably the biggest lesson she could have get in this fragile age.

 

You forgot how many times the OP has said that the guy was genuinely very happy. She has known him for many years, and probably hasn't seen him nearly as happy, ever. It's hard to fake.