Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[bene]

Close your eyes and imagine the flashy party never happened but they quietly signed in the courthouse - I guarantee you'd have felt better, although the result would have been square the same.

 

I find such advice detrimental because it encourages OP to ruminate on details that make no difference on the outcome yet keep her mind tangled on the guy who doesn’t want her. Maybe they had lousy catering, maybe her dress was tasteless, maybe they will break up in a year - none of it changes the fact that the guy didn’t choose OP. The fact that he didn’t choose her even in an environment where everyone hastily marries young doesn’t make things better but actually even worse.

 

OP says she has lost interest in everything she used to enjoy and is in severe pain. I agree that people should embrace full range of emotions but at the point of feeling debilitated and losing interest in everything else in life she has passed the healthy range. The situation is clearly harming her.

 

I think OP would benefit from moving away from this small town to study or work. It doesn’t have to be on the other side of the country but far enough to lead a life where everyone doesn’t know what she had for lunch or if she had therapy and won’t have to run into the guy and his wife. There is a whole world out there and this guy is not everything.

[No_Go]

Bene and June, you misunderstood me. I’m not saying the wedding was good, bad or ugly. I’m just saying it was flashy display to their little community “LOOK at us we are getting married!!!!”. If they didn’t trumpet it out to the whole little town (in which guaranteed everybody knew about Madd’s Crush on the guy), the impact will be smaller. That’s why I contrasted with his MUCH more serious relationship - 5 (five) year long one - for which she didn’t freak out because it wasn’t rubbed in everyone’s face.

 

P.S. You can make courthouse wedding flashy too - it is a matter of desire Maybe this word was confusing. All I was trying to say is that she’s freaking more in a less significant situation because of its flashiness not seriousness.

[No_Go]

We as a society are damaged to think emotions debilitate is and take our power away instead of turning them work for us, as it has been for years and years.

 

But I agree with your point a smart bright strong woman like OP has no place in close minded religious community - there is so much more out there to explore and discover.

 

 

I find such advice detrimental because it encourages OP to ruminate on details that make no difference on the outcome yet keep her mind tangled on the guy who doesn’t want her. Maybe they had lousy catering, maybe her dress was tasteless, maybe they will break up in a year - none of it changes the fact that the guy didn’t choose OP. The fact that he didn’t choose her even in an environment where everyone hastily marries young doesn’t make things better but actually even worse. {snip}

Edited November 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

No Go, you are giving the OP false hope because you're projecting your own situation onto hers. She said herself she's never seen him happier. Whether their marriage lasts or doesn't last, likely they'll have kids together and be bound for life. Even if it blows up, there is NO reason for OP to hope to be with him. He had an all-access pass to her for years and the most he ever did was use her like a bachelor party girl. If he ever wanted to be with her, there was absolutely nothing to stop him from doing so. That's not going to change. She needs to move on. I totally agree she needs to move to a nearby town and start a new life and get out of that smothering tiny community she's in where the only eligible guy is now married.

[No_Go]

Preraph I really don’t have comparable situation to project, neither I told her to wait for him. He’s a d*ck and won’t change after breakup/divorce/kids ... It’s his personality type.

 

All I’m saying is she should be proud not embarrassed of her emotions. She should have been embarrassed if she made advances to the guy and confessed her feels, but she did nothing like that. She acted classy except when he hooked up with her (his fault as discussed already).

 

Moving cities will also be awesome regardless. Even if to get back there years later accomplished and empowered.

[preraph]

Preraph I really don’t have comparable situation to project, neither I told her to wait for him. He’s a d*ck and won’t change after breakup/divorce/kids ... It’s his personality type.

 

All I’m saying is she should be proud not embarrassed of her emotions. She should have been embarrassed if she made advances to the guy and confessed her feels, but she did nothing like that. She acted classy except when he hooked up with her (his fault as discussed already).

 

Moving cities will also be awesome regardless. Even if to get back there years later accomplished and empowered.

 

She was also at fault. She knew he was in a serious relationship at the time and going to propose to her.

[Amethyst68]

Why does it matter how long his previous relationship lasted? Sometimes relationships just get comfortable, even when dating, it's a habit more than anything else. Hell I've known people stay together for years without even exchanging the word love.

 

The point is he chose this woman, married her, they had a church wedding, the OP acknowledged he never looked happier. Yes, he was a sleaze but the OP is an adult who was aware of all the facts when she slept with him. It was a conscious choice and now she has to deal with the consequences.

 

I'm sorry if some people don't agree but what I have read in the OP's posts is a building obsession. I think IC would be helpful as would be moving away, getting a new start. This man needs to be cut from the friendship group completely, go NC and start building your strength.

[JuneL]

Moving away would be vital to your personal growth. Also, you would see many other guys in the big world, and would ask “What was I thinking!?”

[Amethyst68]

 

Imagine if she admitted her 'feelings' and forced him into a relationship with her, causing him to break up with his gf. Would this situation be more 'lovey'? I don't think so

 

What in the world makes you believe the OP would have the power to break up this couple. Personally I think he's been well aware of her feelings, if she's as naive as she says the chances are she wouldn't have been any good at hiding them. Which would also explain why he chanced making the pass in the first place.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to try building the OP up by denigrating the new wife, wedding or marriage. There's a slight maliciousnes to some of these posts which is unsettling....

[d0nnivain]

Nothing else has happened between us. I haven’t even seen him since October 22. I just feel so dirty and gross.

 

Love, obsession, whatever it is. It sucks.

 

You are not dirty or gross. Some of this is still fresh. You started this thread in May. You only saw him again last month.

 

You do need therapy. There is no shame in that. Getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

 

You say you live in a small religious community. Anybody who is devout should understand that God helps those who help themselves. While I believe in the power of prayer, I do not solely believe in faith healing; it has to be supplemented with Western medicine which is why God created smart doctors & gave other scientists the ability to develop medicines. If you don't believe me ask your spiritual advisor.

 

Please Madd Hatter, stop being blinded by labels & take care of yourself.

[starlight8]

Moving away would be vital to your personal growth. Also, you would see many other guys in the big world, and would ask “What was I thinking!?”

 

 

I can testify to this.

I remember many years ago, feeling SURE I would never, ever be over a sleazebag guy who doesn't sound too different to the sleazebag here.

 

NOTHING would have convinced me that the pain would ever go away and I'd care about someone else again. To some extent, we all feel that when it doesn't work out with someone we wanted.

 

Nothing is more powerful than time. The effects it can have are wondrous and beyond your imagination. However...it has to be time spent correctly. Time spent still obsessing and seeing and being mentally and emotionally involved is not the same thing.

 

Now, when I look back at that guy, I really do just think 'what on EARTH was I thinking' and I thank my luckiest of stars that I ran far and wide! My life would have been a one-way downhill spiral had I continued down that path.

 

Much trust should be had in the powerful effects of time, and not trusting current feelings as a compass for direction. Someone once said to me 'feelings are fickle, don't always trust them' - and it's true. Feelings are more to be trusted when you are in a balanced, healthy state of mind.

 

If I was the OP, I would move away. It seems like the best possible scenario for moving forward.

[lana-banana]

What in the world makes you believe the OP would have the power to break up this couple. Personally I think he's been well aware of her feelings, if she's as naive as she says the chances are she wouldn't have been any good at hiding them. Which would also explain why he chanced making the pass in the first place.

 

Per the OP, she literally ran after him and told him she loved him and begged him to choose her. He didn't. (Never mind that no one on earth has the power to break up a couple or make anyone choose anyone!) OP mentioned she never heard "no" as a child, but part of being an adult is recognizing other people have their own wants and needs, and it doesn't matter how crazy you are for somebody.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to try building the OP up by denigrating the new wife, wedding or marriage. There's a slight maliciousnes to some of these posts which is unsettling....

 

Oon the subject of malice, for the OP: remember when your kindergarten teacher told you to be kind to everyone? That goes for you, too. You are a special and beautiful and wonderful person. You may have done something you regret. We all have! But part of healing means embracing yourself and believing you are worthy of love and someone who will care for you. That also means to stop obsessing over this guy and other things you can't change. You are so long and have a remarkable life ahead of you. You really should look at moving to a new town or city, for at least a few months. Just being in a new environment will help you understand how big the world really is and how much more there is to life.

 

Edited November 16, 2018 by lana-banana

[losangelena]

Preraph I really don’t have comparable situation to project, neither I told her to wait for him. He’s a d*ck and won’t change after breakup/divorce/kids ... It’s his personality type.

 

All I’m saying is she should be proud not embarrassed of her emotions. She should have been embarrassed if she made advances to the guy and confessed her feels, but she did nothing like that. She acted classy except when he hooked up with her (his fault as discussed already).

 

Moving cities will also be awesome regardless. Even if to get back there years later accomplished and empowered.

 

Umm, are you kidding? She has done this, at least once.

[lana-banana]

Oops, I meant "so young", not "so long"...thanks, autocorrect.

 

OP: you're not a dirty or gross or bad person. You're imperfect and amazing, and entering one of the busiest and most volatile times of your life. You will grow more, and more quickly, than you've ever thought possible. Five years from now you're not even going to recognize these posts. Do something extra-kind for yourself today and keep at it.

[No_Go]

Umm, are you kidding? She has done this, at least once.

 

She cried out loud post factum. She cried in pain and distress, didn't plan for it.

Edited November 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No_Go]

Nothing is more powerful than time. The effects it can have are wondrous and beyond your imagination.

 

Yup ^. Only one thing besides time helps - meeting another person who you like more. All times I was heartbroken the feeling of betrayal lingered until meeting a new person and getting into a new set of things to worry about LOL.

 

I admit one thing that I'd NOT recommend in the general case but was very effective - after my first heartbreak I got involved with a guy for the sake of getting over it. He was super fun, took my virginity, but I wan't really in love with him and he was frankly a terrible match for a relationship... But the year and a half I spent with him greatly distracted me from my big love at the time, and helped me to move on.

[starlight8]

Yup ^. Only one thing besides time helps - meeting another person who you like more. All times I was heartbroken the feeling of betrayal lingered until meeting a new person and getting into a new set of things to worry about LOL.

 

I admit one thing that I'd NOT recommend in the general case but was very effective - after my first heartbreak I got involved with a guy for the sake of getting over it. He was super fun, took my virginity, but I wan't really in love with him and he was frankly a terrible match for a relationship... But the year and a half I spent with him greatly distracted me from my big love at the time, and helped me to move on.

 

I'm going to resist my urge to ....denounce so much of what you say since it was declared that this forum went off-topic last time I did this but I will say one thing....

 

Meeting a new person and getting immersed in the new things to worry about in the new situation doesn't mean you've healed, it means you've successfully distracted yourself from previous wounds, and in the process, dug them deeper. Unresolved wounds treated by jumping onto somebody new merely get transferred. Think of it like energy: it cannot be created or destroyed haha. Just transferred. Effectively you're only fooling yourself, they're lingering around in you, and will manifest in some way or another.

Cue replies from you where you will refute this and try to normalise your responses and everything the OP has said/done/thought. I will still stand by this.

 

Anyway now I understand a little bit more why you post the misguided things you post - as well-intentioned as they are.

[Madd_hatter]

I just watched Gone with the wind for the first time from start to finish and I cried all the way through.

 

He’s my Ashley Wilkes, and I’m just like Scarlett, spoiled and selfish. Only caring about him and nothing or no one else.

 

He strung her on all the way through. It was clear that he was attracted to her but he never loved her even though he claimed to. He kept her around for an ego boost. He didn’t love her he loved the way she made him feel. He loved how she loved him.

 

And she’d read way too much into every little thing he said and did to her.

 

It’s just like me and “J”.

[FMW]

Then make sure you don't stay so stuck on your Ashley that you miss your Rhett. She wasted years on Ashley. Don't do the same.

[basil67]

I just watched Gone with the wind for the first time from start to finish and I cried all the way through.

 

He’s my Ashley Wilkes, and I’m just like Scarlett, spoiled and selfish. Only caring about him and nothing or no one else.

 

He strung her on all the way through. It was clear that he was attracted to her but he never loved her even though he claimed to. He kept her around for an ego boost. He didn’t love her he loved the way she made him feel. He loved how she loved him.

 

And she’d read way too much into every little thing he said and did to her.

 

It’s just like me and “J”.

 

While Ashley undoubtedly admired Scarlett's strength and passion, there was really nothing in his words or actions which gave the impression that she was the love of his life on the same level as Melanie.

[bathtub-row]

Ashley admired Scarlett but probably knew in his heart that he was far too weak for her and she was too much of a child. Melanie was a mature and secure woman. Scarlett was self-centered and had no self-awareness whatsoever. She badly needed a man like Rhett - strong and decisive - but didn't see it until it was too late.

 

Scarlett lived with a fantasy in her heart that kept her blind to many things. You're doing the same thing.

Edited November 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Madd_hatter]

I disgust myself. It wasn’t too long ago I was behaving just like Scarlett. I had called him, crying, telling him how much I needed him.

 

It’s still how I feel, but I see how pathetic that sounds and looks now. I’ll never throw myself at him ever again. I know there’s nothing more I can do to win him over. I am done wasting my love on a man who has strung me along and c*** blocked me from falling for anyone else for so many years.

 

I have to let him go.

 

Scarlett waited too long. I still have time to live my life.

[preraph]

I thought that movie was wonderful and Leigh created one of the best characters ever on screen. I really can't think of a better character. And it's because she was such a mess that it was great. There's lots of inspiration to be learned from that movie about what's important and about survival and determination and about people aren't all good or all bad.

 

Scarlett did humiliate herself and prostrate herself for the milquetoast Ashley. Can't even imagine why -- just think it was because he wasn't interested, really, while all the others were throwing themselves at her feet. That movie truly inspired a lot of people to be strong and carry on, to find that strength within themselves.

[basil67]

I disgust myself. It wasn’t too long ago I was behaving just like Scarlett. I had called him, crying, telling him how much I needed him.

 

It’s still how I feel, but I see how pathetic that sounds and looks now. I’ll never throw myself at him ever again. I know there’s nothing more I can do to win him over. I am done wasting my love on a man who has strung me along and c*** blocked me from falling for anyone else for so many years.

 

I have to let him go.

 

Scarlett waited too long. I still have time to live my life.

 

He didn't block you from anything. You possess something called 'free will', so you could have moved on but you chose not to.

 

I'm glad you will let him go. The first step is to put responsbility for the past where it lies - with yourself.

[Amethyst68]

I am done wasting my love on a man who has strung me along and c*** blocked me from falling for anyone else for so many years.

 

I have to let him go.

 

Scarlett waited too long. I still have time to live my life.

 

In what way did this man c*** block you? J was living his own life,, he did not stop you dating other boys/men.

 

J slept with you ONE time, your inability to let go does not translate into him being the one "blocking" you from moving on.

 

Anyway I am glad you have now made a conscious decision to move forward. Keep going that way, it's the only way through.