Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Madd_hatter]

He only slept with me once, but he’s been sending mixed signals for year! Trust me, I’m not dumb. I know when a guy is being flirty. And we kissed a few times as well.

 

I mean, when a guy you’re crazy about kisses you, you don’t just toss that out the window and start dating other guys. You think to yourself, if he kissed me, that means he’s attracted to me, if he’s attracted to me, he could actually fall in love with me. And that’s what stopped me from even wanting to think of another guy.

 

He purposely strung me along. I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that he strung me along or that he wasn’t really who I thought he was the whole time. I truly feel like I just lost my best friend.

 

Was he ever even really my best friend? I know he was mine, but was I his? Did he see me as just a toy? All the intimate times we shared, would he laugh about them later with his friends? Was i just a nag?

 

Is this just me reading too much into things again?

[stillafool]

Plenty women have been kissed by their crushes (me included) but it didn't turn into anything so they moved on to the next guy. This is what healthy women do. They do not spend their life wallowing in grief over a kiss and a roll in the hay. They just don't. When are you going to get therapy? Have you made an appointment yet?

[Blanco]

Being angry with him right now is understandable. Eventually, though, you should forgive him (which shouldn't be verbalized to him, mind you), otherwise you will always hold this resentment. And that, on some level, will keep you from truly moving on and building your own life that does not involve him.

 

I can envision a scenario where you now spend years pausing your own life because you're hanging on to this anger towards him. That's not going to do you any good.

 

So feel angry, feel sad, but don't let those emotions come to define who you are as a person.

[lana-banana]

1) You are 23, living in an extremely sheltered community. Not to excuse his (or your) behavior, but most early twentysomethings are generally very dumb and prone to making stupid decisions. It doesn't appear anyone was "purposefully" doing anything to anyone else.

 

2) Asking questions about your relationship will get you nowhere. You have no idea what he thought of you and what your connection meant to him, and you never will. That's like asking someone why they want to dump you; you're never going to get a fully honest answer and will more likely than not get some BS to make you feel better.

 

3) Mature or not, he is out of your life. You have to acknowledge free will: you can't force another person to do anything. Nobody put a gun to his head and told him to marry his current girlfriend. By the same token, no one told you to obsess over this guy (who, "mixed signals" a side, never once pursued a relationship with you). You chose to go after him. He chose to never go after you, and ultimately even chose to commit to someone else.

 

It is long past time to own your role in this and start the work of moving on. Yes, every movie and love song and poem is going to remind you of him for a while. That's OK. You can hurt and feel sad. But don't hang on to those emotions. You have to stop looking backwards.

[losangelena]

I agree with all these recent replies, and will add that all meaningful romantic relationships include something that your relationship with him didn’t, which is momentum. A date leads to another date, which leads to a kiss, and then sex, and then commitment, so on and so forth (not necessarily in that order). A kiss here and there over the course of a decade isn’t momentum. Also, I’ve found in my life that mixed signals are a “no.” If someone gives you mixed signals, that is a clear sign to step back and assume non-interest. It’s either non-interest or it’s not enough interest, that is, not enough to make something happen. Either way, that person is a time waster, and not someone in whom you need to invest more time and energy.

[basil67]

Madd Hatter, he had a girlfriend. How exactly did he manage to string you along? You strung yourself along.

[preraph]

I still think that because you made it known you were always willing, that he basically used you for practice, kissing practice and sex practice. Almost any guy you unconditionally make yourself available to will take advantage of that sexually. It certainly doesn't mean he really likes you or even that he's attracted to you. A lot of guys will have sex with anyone who's willing to do so without any reciprocal obligation. It's okay. I mean, when we're young, we just don't realize a lot of things about a lot of guys. Like you can't make them love you but that won't stop them from having sex with you, even if you're not their type or whatever.

[SophieG]

Hi Madd_Hatter,

 

I've read through all the pages (mostly your replies because I felt that sometimes people got off subject), and I sympathize with you, I really do.

This is a really difficult situation because that guy was in your life for a really long time and you were used to it. Somewhere along the way, you developed feelings for him, feelings that kept getting stronger since you kept being in contact with him. I bet you were jealous of all his former girlfriends and always hoped you'd be in their place. I can completely understand the heartache of losing someone you've loved for so long, and the feeling of rejection. You went through multiple emotions (sadness, despair, anger, etc.), and I think it's completely understandable. I even understand you defending him, saying he's a great guy and all. But let's face it, he's not that great of a guy for cheating on his gf, and giving you a slice of hope when he knew there was nothing there, because if he had feelings for you, he would have made a move before. Sometimes, we have a strong opinion of someone, that is so strong, it's hard to acknowledge anything that goes against that image. I'm not saying he's an ******* in general, but what he did (sleeping with you while being in a relationship and before proposing, calling you weeks later to get his cufflinks) was far from okay. And I'm not you so I don't know how you felt, but if it was me, I would of felt like a fool for hoping when there was nothing to hope for, ashamed for sleeping with a man in a relationship and a little stupid for putting myself in that situation by sleeping with him... all of which, are completely normal if you ask me.

 

You want to keep him in your life, but for what purpose, what good will it do to you? I get that you were friends first, but that relationship won't ever be the same, you can't go back to that because your emotions are not the same. You will never be able to stop loving him if you keep being in contact with him. The day you're going to be indifferent when it comes to him, is going to be the day you'll finally know you're healed from all that. I knew I was completely over my ex boyfriend when I learned he had a new girlfriend, and the only thought that went through my mind was : I'm happy for him, I hope it works out... I meant it, and my heart didn't feel anything. I get that it's hard because he was a part of your world for so long, but in the long run, cutting him out is the only way to get over him, even if that means that you have to suffer like hell in the short run.

 

As many suggested, I would recommend therapy. Not only because you seem to have obsessive behaviours over that guy, but also, in order for you not to develop similar patterns in your future relationship. Honestly, except for the occasional emotionally dependant type, no guy or man will put up with that. You did a good job posting here instead of constantly texting or calling... but imagine when you'll actually be in a love relationship with someone... it could get worse, and I'm not sure you'd be able to handle an actual breakup. Seeking help is not being weak, on the contrary, it's acknowledging that you have a problem you can't face alone, and I think it's the case here.

 

You feel like your whole world is upside down, and at the moment, it probably is. Love can be the best and worst feeling. But know this, as bad as it is, you're going to be okay. It might take weeks or months, but a lot of people go through broken hearts, and they survive. Some days will be better than others... you'll think about him (and you can't control this thoughts so don't try to, because focusing on them too much make you think of him more). My advice would be, baby steps. If going day by day seems to much, then divide it (am, pm and evening). Each time you had a good period, be proud of yourself, and accept the fact that some days will be harder and please don't beat yourself up about it. Do small things you love, go out with friends, try new things, meet new people, etc. As long as you keep yourself locked up, and don't do anything, your mind will go to him and you'll be sad. There is no magical solution or product that can ease the pain, you have to live it fully in order to come out stronger on the other side.

 

I really hope you'll find joy again and that you'll end up loving someone who's going to return that love to you, so you'll know what it really feels like (even if for now, you feel like it's never going to be possible).

 

Be strong xx

[Madd_hatter]

Thanks so much for the reply. It really means a lot to have someone take time to listen and respond.

 

I’ve let go. I had no other choice. It hurts still, sometimes more than others but I’ve definitely gotten better.

 

I still have dreams where I’m with him or that things are the way they used to be, and I wake up and burst into tears to realize it was only a dream. Those dreams feel so real. I can distract myself all day but he still manages to creep in while I’m asleep. It really sucks.

 

I have scoped out some therapists but I’m still not sure I really feel comfortable seeing one. I have been feeling better even my bad days aren’t as bad anymore. But they do still happen.

 

I still don’t think he’s a bad guy. I can’t see him as anything else but the perfect guy for me. I know I’ll get laughed at for saying that but I can’t change my mind. It’s how I feel. And yes, I’ve been insanely jealous of every girl he’s ever been with. But I stayed loyal. Never left his side. He’d come for me too, it’s not like I was a nag or stalking him. If I went more than a day or so without calling he’d call me asking where I have been. He never wanted to let me go.

 

And that’s why I said he strung me along. It wasn’t in my head. He’d flirt up a storm in my heart, I’m telling you, it wasn’t my imagination.

 

But all that doesn’t matter. He’s not and never will be mine. Hard pill to swallow but I’m trying my best. It still really really hurts.

 

I just wish I could snap my fingers and feel better. BUT......at the very same time I don’t ever want to lose this love I have for him. It’s so pure and beautiful. It’s the most beautiful love I’ve ever felt. He’s the first person that I loved that wasn’t related to me lol

Edited December 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LoverOfDance]

Hatter, it's not him you love. There is a lot of love in your heart. Based on what you've written, it seems like your heart is full of love. It seems like you want SO badly to give that love away BUT you are giving it to the wrong person.

 

You don't love him. Believe me. You just have an INTENSE desire to love someone and be loved in return. You're directing and focusing that desire on the wrong person.

 

I believe you when you say that he didn't want to let you go. I have experienced this too. You just have to stop trying to understand why he did the things he did. Humans are complicated creatures. You will probably never find the answers to the questions you ask yourself about him and his actions.

 

You have to understand how important your life is. Every moment you spend fixated on this man is such a waste of good life. I hope you realize this one day and make the conscious decision to open your heart to someone more deserving of the beautiful and pure love you have to offer.

[Blanco]

The perfect guy for you, at minimum, is someone who would have taken the opportunity to actually date you over the many number of years he had the chance to.

 

It sounds like he didn't help matters, but I still think it's unhelpful to you to insist he strung you along. After a certain point, it was on you to say, "Look, I feel this way about you and I'd like to know if you feel similarly. If you don't, then please stop flirting and giving me mixed signals, because it's creating false hope." After years of this strange dynamic between you two, I think you became equally culpable because you opted to continue waiting for him to change his mind.

[Madd_hatter]

The perfect guy for you, at minimum, is someone who would have taken the opportunity to actually date you over the many number of years he had the chance to.

 

It sounds like he didn't help matters, but I still think it's unhelpful to you to insist he strung you along. After a certain point, it was on you to say, "Look, I feel this way about you and I'd like to know if you feel similarly. If you don't, then please stop flirting and giving me mixed signals, because it's creating false hope." After years of this strange dynamic between you two, I think you became equally culpable because you opted to continue waiting for him to change his mind.

 

I was terrified of telling him. I didn’t want to scare him away. I figured with time, he’d see how perfect we were for each other. It’s not like a little crush where I thought he was cute. No no no, it was so much stronger. I was afraid if I told him how much I felt for him he’d freak out.

 

All the time I’ve known him I’ve been worried about losing him. My biggest fear happened anyway. Funny, isn’t it? I tired so hard to hold on to any part of him I could. I guess he really didn’t want to stay.

 

It kills me to see him hanging around my friends. Our friends!

 

And I agree. I do have a lot of love and emotion that I sometimes become overwhelmed with. I’m tired of being alone, ya know?

[Beachead]

I was terrified of telling him. I didn’t want to scare him away. I figured with time, he’d see how perfect we were for each other. It’s not like a little crush where I thought he was cute. No no no, it was so much stronger. I was afraid if I told him how much I felt for him he’d freak out.

 

All the time I’ve known him I’ve been worried about losing him. My biggest fear happened anyway. Funny, isn’t it? I tired so hard to hold on to any part of him I could. I guess he really didn’t want to stay.

 

It kills me to see him hanging around my friends. Our friends!

 

And I agree. I do have a lot of love and emotion that I sometimes become overwhelmed with. I’m tired of being alone, ya know?

 

I know the feeling. But the medicine is to press on and continue living your life. Living life will slowly push it out of your system.

 

Figure out what you want to accomplish in this life. A personal goal that has to do with you. When you figure that out, you'll make plans to get there. Just make sure you detailed with your goals. Short-term, Mid-term, Long-term goals. Be with your friends, take care of your family, do well in your career. Travel. Create a bucket list and knock them all out, one at a time. Make memories, build experiences, get wise.

 

If you do that, you're going to meet a lot of new and interesting people. Many of which will have more in common with you since you'll meet them while pursuing your goals. They'll teach you new things. Make you better at socializing. Introduce you to more people. Before you know it, your life will have transformed from this to something completely different and you'll look back and be amazed at that change. It all begins with a step today. And who knows..maybe, just maybe, one of the people you meet, might be someone interesting..you know?

 

But don't do it to find the love of your life. Do it for you.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Beachead

[JuneL]

Hey OP:

 

Besides giving you an occasional kiss and giving you sex on the verge of proposing to his then fiancé, has this guy ever said things to make you feel you’re very special to him?

[Madd_hatter]

Hey OP:

 

Besides giving you an occasional kiss and giving you sex on the verge of proposing to his then fiancé, has this guy ever said things to make you feel you’re very special to him?

 

He would always tell me how important I was to him, and how he felt more comfortable with me than anyone and how he could tell me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. That’s why I don’t understand what went wrong. He cared about me, he told me he did. He couldn’t have lied. He showed me so many times how much he cared.

 

I can’t think of it without tearing up. It’s so hard to forget all the things he said and did to me. It’s so hard to accept that 10 years of hoping and waiting was all for nothing. 10 years! Where did the time go?

[Beachead]

He would always tell me how important I was to him, and how he felt more comfortable with me than anyone and how he could tell me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. That’s why I don’t understand what went wrong. He cared about me, he told me he did. He couldn’t have lied. He showed me so many times how much he cared.

 

I can’t think of it without tearing up. It’s so hard to forget all the things he said and did to me. It’s so hard to accept that 10 years of hoping and waiting was all for nothing. 10 years! Where did the time go?

 

It's tough to swallow but it's also a valuable lesson for you in learning when a situation is unhealthy for you and learning when to walk away. Hopefully you'll carry that wisdom into the next relationship which I am confident you will find in the future.

 

Someone who's genuinely interested in you won't mess around. No push and pull, no hot and cold, no anxiety over what's going on in their mind. Words will match actions and there will be a good level of communication that'll leave you doubtless because the care just spills on over. You'll know how they feel because they'll be with you.

 

Just don't make a relationship the only thing to save your life. You need more going on. Other things in your life to give you confidence and happiness. You'll need to be content and healthy yourself. Otherwise you'll seek things in that relationship that'll be lacking within you and you won't find it and you'll break them and yourself in the process when it all goes to h*ll.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

You should never be apart from someone you love. It’s not fair

[basil67]

Madd_Hatter, if there was a particularly rare item connect to his hobby available and he could afford it, would he just talk about it....or would he snap it up before someone else could? I bet he'd grab it while he could.

 

Because relationships are really no different.

[JuneL]

He would always tell me how important I was to him, and how he felt more comfortable with me than anyone and how he could tell me things he couldn’t tell anyone else. That’s why I don’t understand what went wrong. He cared about me, he told me he did. He couldn’t have lied. He showed me so many times how much he cared.

 

I can’t think of it without tearing up. It’s so hard to forget all the things he said and did to me. It’s so hard to accept that 10 years of hoping and waiting was all for nothing. 10 years! Where did the time go?

 

Maybe he just saw you like a buddy (you know, like a great guy friend).

[LastStraw]

Maybe he just saw you like a buddy (you know, like a great guy friend).

 

For a heterosexual guy, that's NOT really a thing... IME, great guy friends are 1) gay 2) orbiters... In OP's case I'm thinking 2) but something pushed him away, could be out of her control or not.

[Madd_hatter]

Well he’s definitely not gay. Not sure if I’d say he was an orbiter.. I think I would have fallen more into that category. I mean, it’s not liked I’d chase him, he would call for me, but I guess he saw me more like a sister than anything else.

 

It’s sad to think that the kisses that meant so much to me, that I’d go home and think of for hours and hours on end, were not more than him just experimenting on me. That is a whole new kind of pain.

 

Even the sex, I knew he had a gf, I knew in my heart it was only sex. I mean, it was out of this world and it made me even more crazy for him, but the kisses were so much more special. It hurts so bad that everything I thought was special was just him getting experience for other girls.

 

My heart is in a thousand pieces.

[stillafool]

Have you made that appointment for a therapist yet?

[LoverOfDance]

Op, i feel like in a way, i am reliving my own torment through you. Your posts are honestly very hard to read.

 

I dealt with this pain too for 5 years. One day i just woke up and said "enough is enough". Two years and two extra mild heartbreaks later, i finally met a man who i adore. If i was still hung up on that epic heartbreak i had experienced years ago, i would never have given my wonderful bf a chance.

 

You have to stop hindering yourself. Stop the self pity and stop inflicting pain on your own self.

[Blanco]

Madd_Hatter, if there was a particularly rare item connect to his hobby available and he could afford it, would he just talk about it....or would he snap it up before someone else could? I bet he'd grab it while he could.

 

Because relationships are really no different.

 

I'm a fairly cynical guy when it comes to relationships. Not because I don't like the idea of them, but because there are so many low-quality ones surrounding most of us. People, quite frankly, are kind of bad at relationships.

 

Nevertheless, I've never let a chance pass to develop a relationship with someone who I recognized as being worthwhile the potential pratfalls that come with entering a relationship.

 

In short, I agree: This guy wouldn't have let a decade pass without a definitive "I want this" action if he had felt romantically inclined toward the OP.

[Blanco]

Going back a bit, this statement, I believe, is at the root of why OP isn't taking more action toward moving on with her life:

 

at the very same time I don’t ever want to lose this love I have for him. It’s so pure and beautiful. It’s the most beautiful love I’ve ever felt.

 

You understand what staying in this state of mind will ultimately mean for you, but at the same time, you're so accustomed to feeling this way that to move on from it would be akin to removing your life jacket in the middle of the ocean.