Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[LastStraw]

Honestly, I think it is really sh*tty that you slept with him (once or not once it counts) if you never saw him seriously. It's more or less what Jason did to you, do you think it was a subconscious revenge?

 

For Jason - if you want to get over it, confront it. You are already doing this actually. Don't avoid him, don't try not to think about him. Try to be honest with yourself - is he really a great guy when he sleeps with a virgin while entertaining with another relationship in the same time? It's time to take for who he is, a lose dude with no morals, fake Christian and low human being. Is it really someone you'd be happy to be with ?

 

 

We were definitely not dating, but we were having fun. I only slept with him once, but we were sexually active in other ways and it was great. I’m so mad at him. And he knew I was just beginning to heal. Just goes to show you that you can’t trust anyone. It was only a few days ago that he could hardly keep his hands off of me. This is a total shock to me. And I have not been talking to him about Jason. I told him at the very beginning just so he’d know I wasn’t really ready and I didn’t want to lead him on. After that, I never really said a whole lot more. If anything, he was the one always asking me questions about Jason.

 

But it doesn’t matter.. truth is, it doesn’t bother me much. Younger guy, (let’s call him Pete) “breaking up” with me has only made me miss Jason again. Like it triggered something. I don’t miss Pete,..I miss Jason all over again. Of course I won’t act on it, but it made me feel really bad about the whole situation with Jason again.

 

What do I do? I’m so so so worried I’ll slip down the hole again and I don’t wanna be there.

[Madd_hatter]

It wasn’t like I planned to sleep with him, it kinda just happened. It was a few weeks ago, we were at my place making dinner, he kissed me, and it just went from there. I told him afterwards that it was very out of character for me and I wasn’t ready for that type of relationship yet. He seemed ok. He wasn’t upset or anything.. at least not that I could tell.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m so mad at him. And he knew I was just beginning to heal. Just goes to show you that you can’t trust anyone.

 

It's not his responsibility to make sure you are healed/healing. He has feelings he needs to protect, too, and I think it was obvious to all of us that he was right....you were not invested in him.

 

I'm sorry it brought up the raw feelings about Jason. I suggest you just keep plugging away at therapy so you can learn to value yourself outside of a relationship (or non-relationship, whatever the case may be).

[FMW]

You're not emotionally available and he sensed that. You shouldn't be mad at him unless he made promises to you, and that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

You are mad because you lost your distraction. The speed with which you went right back to pining over Jason shows you had no investment in Pete beyond giving you something to focus on other than Jason.

 

Sex doesn't just happen. It doesn't matter if you didn't go into the evening thinking it would happen, you were a consenting participant when it did. You chose to keep going instead of just cutting it off at kissing. That's ok, but own it. As long as you see your life as just happening to you without any responsibility for it you will find it a difficult path.

 

Focus on healing. Right now it seems you bounce between hopelessly forever in love with Jason to saying you're cool and in charge. The reality is that there will be a lot of steps (and time) between those two states.

 

Be patient and kind with yourself while you make that journey, but always take responsibility for what happens along the way. Taking responsibility goes along with stepping into your own power. YOU choose what your life is, not anyone else. That's a great thing!

Edited February 15, 2019 by Finding my way

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As long as you see your life as just happening to you without any responsibility for it you will find it a difficult path.

 

So true!!!!

[JuneL]

I really don’t think the OP was at fault for having sex with the young guy, as long as she was clear to him she’s not ready for anything serious. Likewise, she shouldn’t be mad at the guy, as he probably realized going on a Valentine’s Day big date would be a huge romantic gesture.

[Beachead]

We were definitely not dating, but we were having fun. I only slept with him once, but we were sexually active in other ways and it was great. I’m so mad at him. And he knew I was just beginning to heal. Just goes to show you that you can’t trust anyone. It was only a few days ago that he could hardly keep his hands off of me. This is a total shock to me. And I have not been talking to him about Jason. I told him at the very beginning just so he’d know I wasn’t really ready and I didn’t want to lead him on. After that, I never really said a whole lot more. If anything, he was the one always asking me questions about Jason.

 

But it doesn’t matter.. truth is, it doesn’t bother me much. Younger guy, (let’s call him Pete) “breaking up” with me has only made me miss Jason again. Like it triggered something. I don’t miss Pete,..I miss Jason all over again. Of course I won’t act on it, but it made me feel really bad about the whole situation with Jason again.

 

What do I do? I’m so so so worried I’ll slip down the hole again and I don’t wanna be there.

 

What you do is you focus on your therapy. You focus on you. And stay away from dating for awhile.

 

- Beach

Edited February 15, 2019 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

Ok.. I admit, I was not forced to have sex with Pete. I wanted to. It felt nice to have someone want me. It felt nice to have someone just for myself. I knew it wasn’t serious and that it wouldn’t last, I just feel like I’ve been rejected again. Truth, I’m happy it happened now before anyone got seriously hurt.

 

I believe that I did make him feel pressured even though that was not my intention. He felt responsible for my healing and I guess that was too much for him. I even remember telling him once that I was so happy to have met him when I was in such a dark place. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone that far.

 

Regardless, I will stay away from dating and sleeping with anyone from now until the time I’m totally over Jason. I have made progress, I know I have, but still.. my heart does still skip a beat and my stomach still gets those butterflies whenever I think of or see him, not sure why.

 

Like my therapist said, I need to become immune to him, which i don’t think I fully am.

Edited February 15, 2019 by Madd_hatter

[LastStraw]

You’re right it’s best to abstain from sex all together at the time being, I somewhat understand you because I’ve been there - when my first biggest love got his GF pregnant, I lost my virginity to someone else to subside the pain... I was even older than you back then.

 

You know when it was the hardest? When his marriage to this girl crumbled and cracked and I knew he’s fully available again. But then I have evaluated him objectively and he was just not the person I worshiped, he was an average dude with questionable morals that I failed to see because I loved him too much.

 

Ultimately you’d be ok, but it takes time.

 

Ok.. I admit, I was not forced to have sex with Pete. I wanted to. It felt nice to have someone want me. It felt nice to have someone just for myself. I knew it wasn’t serious and that it wouldn’t last, I just feel like I’ve been rejected again. Truth, I’m happy it happened now before anyone got seriously hurt.

 

I believe that I did make him feel pressured even though that was not my intention. He felt responsible for my healing and I guess that was too much for him. I even remember telling him once that I was so happy to have met him when I was in such a dark place. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone that far.

 

Regardless, I will stay away from dating and sleeping with anyone from now until the time I’m totally over Jason. I have made progress, I know I have, but still.. my heart does still skip a beat and my stomach still gets those butterflies whenever I think of or see him, not sure why.

 

Like my therapist said, I need to become immune to him, which i don’t think I fully am.

[stillafool]

You certainly don't need to see or be around Jason. I also think it was a bad idea to go back to his church. You need to stay away from him.

[Beachead]

The problem with a lot of people out there is they tried to avoid their pain by delving into dating, flings, relationships too quickly, using it as the painkiller, not realizing they're not exactly in their right mind. Then they get themselves into some serious trouble, and come to their senses only after they complicate their lives or hurt someone else..and it makes them feel worse. Maybe more wounds to add to the already existing ones that are still healing.

 

I've seen it happen to people over and over again.

 

It doesn't matter if you were in a relationship or not, if your heart is freshly broken, you do not have the emotional capacity yet to take care of yourself, let alone anyone else. Keep it simple and minimize variables in your life that are created from these situations, so that you can hear yourself think and sort yourself out.

 

You'll know when you're ready again to date, when you find passion, excitement, smiles and joys in life again.

 

- Beach

Edited February 15, 2019 by Beachead

[LoverOfDance]

Op, what you don't understand is that there is a possibility that you will never fully get over this man. You've had feelings for him for WAY too long. I have a scar on my face that will always be there. You have to learn to live with the marks other people leave on you. Some of them will remain with you forever.

 

I have been in a similar situation to yours and my heart still sinks a little when i bump into the guy in my own story. When i truly decided to move on from him, i stayed away from him completely. A few years ago, he was the man i hoped to marry. Today, there are so many amazing men everywhere, i really would not want to get stuck with him. There are honestly better men. TRULY.

 

The more you let yourself be around someone who has a certain effect on you, the harder you will make it for yourself to detach from them.

 

I think that the more you stay away from him, the more you'll really begin to see that there are BETTER men out there. Much much better men

Edited February 16, 2019 by LoverOfDance

[Madd_hatter]

See my problem is I keep measuring other guys to Jason. That’s exactly what Pete told me. He said I made him feel like he’d never come close to Jason and felt like he couldn’t handle that.

 

I don’t blame him. There were times when we’d kiss and Jason would be the first thing to pop into my head the instant our lips touched. I can’t even tell you how many kisses I pulled away from and I know that must have hurt Pete.

 

I see his point totally. I’m glad he did what he did. I wish I had done years ago what Pete did. And it did teach me a lesson. I’m not ready to be around guys yet. I really wish that wasn’t the case though. It was so much easier with Pete around. It was so nice to feel like someone was attracted to me and wanted me. Funny... I finally find a really good guy who’d do anything for me, sweet, cute, funny, a really decent guy that actually likes me, and I managed screw that up too.

 

I guess I need to be on my own for now. I think I need to learn to love me. Maybe this big love I’m looking for needs to be self love. I think like my therapist said yesterday, I’m putting too much weight on people.

[JuneL]

It sounds like you’ve made some very concrete progress since starting therapy!

 

I’m confused about how Pete knew about Jason. I thought you didn’t talk about him to Pete? Or did he find out from the small town gossips? You should seriously think about relocation.

[Madd_hatter]

How fitting that “My Best Friends Wedding” is playing on TBS. I think I’ll watch it for the irony.

[Madd_hatter]

It sounds like you’ve made some very concrete progress since starting therapy!

 

I’m confused about how Pete knew about Jason. I thought you didn’t talk about him to Pete? Or did he find out from the small town gossips? You should seriously think about relocation.

 

Oh no Pete knew about him. I told him from the start. We didn’t talk much about him, but I told him about jason right from the get go.

 

I was straight forward and I told him, look, I just got my heart broken by a guy I was in love with for almost my whole life, and I don’t feel like I’m ready to move on so quickly. I told him I was over him yet. He was fine with it. He said he’d be whatever I needed him to be. It was very reassuring of him, and I’m sure he meant it at the time, but it was clearly not what he wanted. And that’s fine by me.

Edited February 16, 2019 by Madd_hatter

[Beachead]

See my problem is I keep measuring other guys to Jason. That’s exactly what Pete told me. He said I made him feel like he’d never come close to Jason and felt like he couldn’t handle that.

 

I don’t blame him. There were times when we’d kiss and Jason would be the first thing to pop into my head the instant our lips touched. I can’t even tell you how many kisses I pulled away from and I know that must have hurt Pete.

 

I see his point totally. I’m glad he did what he did. I wish I had done years ago what Pete did. And it did teach me a lesson. I’m not ready to be around guys yet. I really wish that wasn’t the case though. It was so much easier with Pete around. It was so nice to feel like someone was attracted to me and wanted me. Funny... I finally find a really good guy who’d do anything for me, sweet, cute, funny, a really decent guy that actually likes me, and I managed screw that up too.

 

I guess I need to be on my own for now. I think I need to learn to love me. Maybe this big love I’m looking for needs to be self love. I think like my therapist said yesterday, I’m putting too much weight on people.

 

You're starting to get it now.

 

In regards to everything else, everyone makes mistakes. Just remember for the future that comparing is destructive to a relationship because the person is being measured by standards someone else set in the past. They're not being treated as their own person. Makes people feel like they are second place or that they're being settled for and that isn't a good feeling. If enough time passes by like this, the person will begin feeling like nothing they do will make you happy and will get tired and walk away to preserve their well-being. Now that you know this, you can catch yourself when you start doing it in the future, and work on fixing it.

 

- Beach

Edited February 17, 2019 by Beachead

[Happy Lemming]

Oh no Pete knew about him. I told him from the start.

 

There is a lesson to be learned here... NEVER, NEVER, EVER talk about your exes to your new date/partner. Your new date/partner is NOT your therapist and should not be treated as such. Moreover, if the new partner/date asks about "exes", my response is always "The past is the past, let's leave it there" and quickly change the subject.

[JuneL]

Agree with HL. It’s good to let him know you’re not ready for anything serious soon, but you don’t need to tell him the specifics.

[Madd_hatter]

Agree with HL. It’s good to let him know you’re not ready for anything serious soon, but you don’t need to tell him the specifics.

 

Normally, yes, I agree with this 100%, but in this case, I feel it was a little different.

 

There was no way I wanted anything serious and I wanted him to know that from the start. I told him I wasn’t ready for anything so he wouldn’t expect anything. It was very wrong of me to kiss him and sleep with him, I agree, but I was lonely and there was a single guy who liked me that was available.

 

People have “friends with benefits” all the time. I figured hey, no big deal. I told him where we stand and he’s still game so wheres the problem?

 

I’m glad I learned this lesson. You can’t use people to help you get over other people.

[Beachead]

Normally, yes, I agree with this 100%, but in this case, I feel it was a little different.

 

There was no way I wanted anything serious and I wanted him to know that from the start. I told him I wasn’t ready for anything so he wouldn’t expect anything. It was very wrong of me to kiss him and sleep with him, I agree, but I was lonely and there was a single guy who liked me that was available.

 

People have “friends with benefits” all the time. I figured hey, no big deal. I told him where we stand and he’s still game so wheres the problem?

 

I’m glad I learned this lesson. You can’t use people to help you get over other people.

 

I'll disagree with the others on this one. Yea, you made a mistake by letting it go a bit far but it's only due to inexperience. My hands aren't clean either and what I learned came at a cost. I've been hurt and I've hurt others. I've made mistakes too but I gained experience which I applied to the future. The best we can do is make the best decisions we can, giving who we are, the tools we have, and everything we know, and try our best not to hurt people along the way. Sometimes, we're going to fail at it. Regarding this, you showed respect and kept it honest from the start and I can respect that. It was up to him to decide if he wanted to stay or not. I believe he stayed because he thought he could handle things at first but realized he couldn't. You didn't coax him into anything.

 

And now you have some understanding of the kind of situations that can arise from no strings attached situations and dating too soon. You may also see how muddy things can become if there are no boundaries. Don't let the pain of the people you hurt in the past go to waste, by making the same mistakes with new people.

 

This is how live my life.

 

Anyway, I'm grateful you are realizing these things and I'm proud. I genuinely mean that.

 

- Beach

Edited February 17, 2019 by Beachead

[losangelena]

I’m more interested to know what branch of Christianity you practice that this much casual sex is okay, lol.

 

Honestly, if you can square it with your religion, I don’t think you did anything wrong by sleeping with “Pete.” He was willing to get busy with you knowing you didn’t want anything serious, if that was a problem for him, he had ample time to say something before he had sex with you. I feel like that’s the counsel a woman in a similar situation would receive here.

[Madd_hatter]

I’m a Pentecost Christian. No, premarital sex is not condoned. I know it’s wrong and I feel badly about it, but I don’t know why I let myself.

 

I’ve been missing him horribly lately. I can’t seem to get him off of my mind. The dreams have started again. I’m back tracking and I know it.

 

I haven’t been back to church since that last time, but I haven’t stopping missing/thinking of him since than. I’m beginning to feel like these are the things that therapist harp on because she keeps telling me I need to go back. It seems like she wants me to suffer. I feel like she’s throwing him in my face so that I’ll keep coming to her

[Happy Lemming]

You were doing so much better when "Pete" was in your world.

 

So go find someone new (not at Jason's church, though).

 

Where did you meet "Pete"??

[bathtub-row]

Wisdom is letting go of someone who doesn’t choose to be with you. You may want to wise up. What you’re doing to yourself isn’t cute or entertaining. Believing you have no control over your emotions is only keeping you where you are - stuck in misery and giving your power over to a person who’s merely human and glorifying him to a degree of amazing fantasy.

 

I think a valid question to ask yourself is what are you getting out of hanging onto these unrealistic feelings, and childish behavior? Where’s the pay-off? And don’t say there is no pay-off. There is, or you wouldn’t be pining over some guy who used you in a one-night stand and then married someone else. Dig deep. The answers are there.