Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[preraph]

I have to say I honestly think your therapist is minimizing how out of control you are emotionally to have you go back to that church. Everyone on here said to get out of there. If you feel you're going backward, tell her. To me, you don't get over someone by seeing them regularly.........

[Beachead]

@Madd_Hatter

 

I'm with Preraph on this. Tell your therapist about it and be completely honest. Stay open and communicative and trust. Her advice is correct but for a later time after you've discovered a great life and have been living it for a year or two. But right now, you are just beginning to sort yourself out. You don't have the tools or the strength to go back yet. What's happening to you right now is evident of that. Right now, it needs to be out of sight, out of mind.

 

I avoided every single person and situation associated with my ex ever since we went our separate ways in 2017 because I knew seeing her or being in that environment would do me no good but send me back 10 steps. I needed to disconnect from that and discover a life out of it for myself. It's only now, after a year and a half of living my life, gaining new experiences, and having a lot of time to just work through my pain, that I'm starting to feel like I can actually handle it if I ever saw her at some party again. You have to steer your own ship.

 

- Beach

Edited March 1, 2019 by Beachead

[nospam99]

Everyone on here said to get out of there.

 

Not everyone. I said to go back to the church. My rationale is that the church 'seems' to be one of the foundational pillars of MH's life. I think it is unwise and self-destructive to turn one's back on something that is very important with the goal being to avoid encountering a particular person who would be at a location. Admittedly, that's 'me'. I'm a person who's strong-willed and determined enough to compartmentalize the good to get it's benefit. (Is this a thing, compartmentalizing, that males are just better at?)

[Madd_hatter]

Pete worked at my local Starbucks. I’d see him every morning on my way to work for 2 years. Before he quit, we exchanged numbers. We became friends and that’s pretty much that.

 

I don’t know if finding someone else is the best idea. I feel like I need to move on on my own. I can’t be so dependent on other people. I need to be responsible for my own healing, otherwise, I’ll keep getting hurt and never learn how to heal myself. That’s what my therapist said.

 

I told her at the last session that I don’t think I am ready to be around him, especially since I don’t have Pete as my safety anymore. She told me that was non sense. That I needed to get my body, mind, and soul “used” to being around him. I told her I’ve been around him for years and I’ve never stopped feeling this way. So she said it’s time to change my mindset. I was like, ok?.... I’m seeing her again Tuesday. I’ll let you guys know how it goes.

[stillafool]

I'm starting to think you need another therapist.

[FMW]

I think it's time to look into getting another therapist.

 

Seeing someone that broke your heart regularly, and especially seeing them with the person they've chosen to be with, is like repeatedly pulling off the newly forming scab of a healing wound. (sorry to be so graphic, but it's apt!)

It's just going to keep it inflamed and lengthen the recovery period.

 

I speak from experience. I AM recovering, but I'm sure much more slowly and with much more pain than if I didn't see him at all.

[Beachead]

Hmm, I think MH's therapist is fine. She's wrong on this one but I don't think it warrants a need to jump ship. MH should first communicate that what she suggested is making things worse and that she's not okay with it. The therapist will make adjustments and re-assess. I'm sure she had a reason or why she advised MH to do it. Therapists are still human beings and the therapist/patient relationship is still fundamentally a relationship. All relationships can only develop by open lines of communication.

 

@MH I think you have a good idea of what you need to do. I agree with not dating for awhile. Learning to move passed heartache on your own will always be painful but you'll learn how to do it and will therefore, get better at it.

Edited March 1, 2019 by Beachead

[JuneL]

Not everyone. I said to go back to the church. My rationale is that the church 'seems' to be one of the foundational pillars of MH's life. I think it is unwise and self-destructive to turn one's back on something that is very important with the goal being to avoid encountering a particular person who would be at a location. Admittedly, that's 'me'. I'm a person who's strong-willed and determined enough to compartmentalize the good to get it's benefit. (Is this a thing, compartmentalizing, that males are just better at?)

 

What you said can be true in theory. But OP is not nearly as strong, yet. In addition, I think this is the opportunity for her to really get out of her small hole and see the outside world.

[preraph]

I'm sure she's just trying to get her to acknowledge that she has the power to turn it off and needs to do it, but I still don't think seeing him all the time is the best way to do that. Too many triggers. OP can stop this misery any time she decides she doesn't want it anymore, and I think that's the therapist's point. Right now, she's still getting something out of it and would rather have the drama than not. I think seeing another guy is fine. Any distraction is fine. Just because you date one doesn't mean you have to commit to them or that it is any kind of commitment or permanent decision, as long as you're honest about it. It's just a date to see who the person is. Through him, she'll meet other people. As someone said above, she needs to get out of her small world, and seeing new people will help do that, though I still think moving towns would be the freshest start and more exciting and rewarding.

[JuneL]

Btw, OP, how you met Pete was a cute story

 

He probably had had a crush on you for months, but it’d be unprofessional for him to ask a customer out while he’s still a barista.

[Madd_hatter]

I thought it was cute how he’d always remember how I liked my drinks and how he’d remember my name. He was really sweet and kinda nerdy but cute. I liked him and I never meant to hurt him. But I guess it’s for the best.

[Happy Lemming]

To Madd_hatter:

 

I'm sure (down the road) another "Pete" will come along. "Pete's" absence has created a void and your old habits of filling that void with memories of "Jason" are happening again.

 

I remember when I was a kid and my dog ran away, my parents went out and got me another one. Now, I'm not comparing "Jason" or "Pete" to dogs (so LS posters don't flame me). I'm just saying that a loss creates a void. You lost "Pete"; you can fill that void with "Jason" memories which causes a downward spiral or you can fill that void with something or someone else.

 

Just my two cents...

[LoverOfDance]

Hatter, i worked at Starbucks and it is actually STRONGLY SUGGESTED that we remember customers' names. We were also told to build connections with customers as this seems to encourage many customers to come back. Not sure how this piece of information is important but i felt i should provide it.

 

Nospam99, almost nothing in this entire situation is "wise" or makes sense.

 

MH, this is NOT about what makes sense. It's about what works. I think your therapist is giving you bad advice because she has probably never truly experienced this situation. Your theperist is just telling you what she has read from books. Experience is the BEST teacher. I want you to remember that.

 

Dating other people right now can be harmful for both you and the people you date. If you're dating, i'd say date CASUALLY. That is, make sure they KNOW you don't want anything serious and make sure YOU KNOW you don't want anything serious. In other words, don't get caught up. Be more aware of yourself and your feelings. Realize that you're still healing and don't go jumping into any serious relationships until you've truly recovered.

 

Like i said before, i don't think seeing this man is a good idea. Stay away from toxicity.

[Madd_hatter]

This isn’t about Pete. I rushed into it and wasn’t ready. I mean, I feel bad about hurting him but I was honest with him from the start. I never let him think it could turn to more. He knew.

 

But yeah, thinking of switching therapists, the only thing I hate about that is I’d have to start all over again. But I really don’t feel I’m clicking with my current one. See, this is why I never liked therapy.

 

Staying away from Jason and my church for a little while longer. I’m still not strong enough to see him without it affecting me. I’m not 100% sure I ever will be, but maybe I could at least get to a point where I don’t go home crying.

 

Does it ever get to that? I know you’ll all disagree but I can’t see myself ever fully being over him.

[FMW]

Yes, you will eventually get over him if you focus on yourself. The more you love yourself the more you will come to see what a jerk Jason was and is, how badly he treated you. And it's hard to keep romanticizing someone like that when you see them clearly.

 

You're doubting that because it takes a long time. You're not going to snap out of it in just a few months. There's no quick fix. Just commit to moving forward and in time you will be emotionally free of him.

[preraph]

You need to dedicate yourself to getting over him because if you don't, you're going to miss the guy who can make you wonder what you ever saw in the guy by him treating you right and feeling what it's like when someone cares back.

[losangelena]

I think you need to keep in mind that you’re thoroughly allowed to tell your therapist “no.” Therapists at the end of the day are just people (albeit highly educated and highly paid people), but sometimes they misread situations with their clients and suggest a wrong fit.

 

Something similar happened with my former therapist when he decided I should go to overeaters anonymous. I’d been complaining about my weight or saying I was afraid I was going to gain weight, so he said “try OA,” because you’re at least being proactive about it and you’ll have some accountability. Well I went and it was awful. What I really needed was to get to a place where I was not thinking about every bite that went into my mouth, and I could tell that this was not that place. I went back to my therapist and said, “yo, dude, awful suggestion, here’s why.” He was grateful for the feedback, and open to learning where he’d misstepped, because he, a young, tall, thin man, had no experiential basis for working with someone like me.

 

This was ultimately not why I stopped seeing him, by the way. Perhaps, MH, you don’t feel like you’ve been with your therapist log enough to call her out, but if I were you, I’d give it a try. If you do, and she reacts badly or arrogantly, then maybe it’s time to look for a better fit. But speak up and advocate for yourself here and let her know she’s wrong on this one.

[losangelena]

Not everyone. I said to go back to the church. My rationale is that the church 'seems' to be one of the foundational pillars of MH's life. I think it is unwise and self-destructive to turn one's back on something that is very important with the goal being to avoid encountering a particular person who would be at a location. Admittedly, that's 'me'. I'm a person who's strong-willed and determined enough to compartmentalize the good to get it's benefit. (Is this a thing, compartmentalizing, that males are just better at?)

 

And MH having pre-marital sex (a no-no in her church, she said it herself) is somehow not turning her back on something important to her?

 

I went through something very similar, where I was very involved in my evangelical church, but then started dating and started having sex, and it made me take a step back and realize that if I was willing to so easily turn my back on something I claimed was so important to me, then maybe in the end it wasn’t that important to me after all. It was at that point that I stopped going to church, and have not been back since. That was five years ago.

 

I’d say that MH needs to do a lot of soul-searching in the next few years. I think a lot of what she says she values will change, but that ultimately she’ll be living a more authentic life and will be more comfortable with herself.

[Beachead]

@losangelena

 

Well said. Just you describing how the church wasn't all that important based on the choices you were making is an example of how powerful paying attention to yourself is. It's those kinds of things that reveal the answers so that we can make the right moves that'll take us closer to the life we want and need to be living in the moment. I can relate to this very much.

[Madd_hatter]

Hi guys, just an update.

 

I stopped seeing that therapist. I don’t think she had the right approach. I have been looking for a new one. Still doing some research. I’m not in a rush. Still don’t think all that highly of therapy but I figured what hurt can it do.

 

I am beginning to miss him terribly again. It’s getting harder and harder for me to stay away, although I know it’s for the best. Seeing him never does anything for me but hurt me, but.. on the other hand, I’m hurting anyway so I really don’t know what I can do. So it comes down to me having to choose which way I want to hurt myself, not seeing him and missing him, or seeing him and not being able to be near him.

 

I honestly thought it would have gotten a little easier by now. It hasn’t. Not even a little. I have this feeling constantly in my chest and stomach, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel empty but very nauseous. I feel myself physically becoming ill without him. I barely eat, and I barely sleep. I can’t remember the last time I went to the gym.

 

I feel like I’m not myself anymore if that makes sense. I don’t feel like me. I miss me. I don’t do any of the things I used to. I have no desires anymore. I don’t know who I am. I really don’t feel happy.

 

Someone please please please help me. I don’t want this feeling anymore

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are depressed. I hope you find another therapist soon .

[FMW]

Do you constantly, non-stop feel worse? Or do you feel better, at least ok, at times, and then get worse again?

 

If the latter, that is normal. It sucks, but it's normal. No matter how much you want it to be otherwise, it's going to take time.

 

The difference between hurting but continuing to see Jason OR hurting and not having any contact, is that the no contact scenario will, in time, allow you to heal and move on. If you keep seeing him the pain will never end. There is no shortcut and you need to have a view to the future.

 

I have situational depression with my own experience and I have to constantly remind myself that this is NOT forever. Eventually I will move past it. But it hurts in the meantime.

 

Do find another therapist soon and keep talking through things. That will also allow someone trained to determine whether or not you need additional assistance in moving forward.

[losangelena]

Hey MH, reality check here.

 

As kindly as I can say this, you need prolonged, professional help right now. I maintain that this relationship is simply symptomatic of deeper underlying issues that you have not begun to dig into, and as such, “feeling better” will take more than a few months of talk therapy. It could take years of talk therapy, possibly meds, and some major life changes.

 

I don’t mean to discourage you. This is the process of stepping into full-fledged adulthood and it can be downright painful. What’s on the other side is BETTER, but you’ve got to be willing to embrace real change, and look at yourself with brutal honesty.

 

You can do this. A lot of us have gone through similar journeys, and so can you.

[Happy Lemming]

Someone please please please help me. I don’t want this feeling anymore

 

Does the company you work for have any other locations or offices?? Can they transfer you to another location/area??

 

Being nomadic most of my life, moving always seemed to make me feel better. New location, fresh slate, left my problems behind...

 

I also enjoyed the task of moving, throwing things away, downsizing for the move, boxing things up, etc.

 

It is really fun exploring a new city/town. New people, new experiences, new everything!

[JuneL]

Does the company you work for have any other locations or offices?? Can they transfer you to another location/area??

 

Being nomadic most of my life, moving always seemed to make me feel better. New location, fresh slate, left my problems behind...

 

I also enjoyed the task of moving, throwing things away, downsizing for the move, boxing things up, etc.

 

It is really fun exploring a new city/town. New people, new experiences, new everything!

 

I was going to suggest this, again.

 

Just curious: Was your therapist from your small town? If yes, I can see why she would think you should go back to your church, as that seems to be how life is in your small religious tight community.