Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Happy Lemming]

I was going to suggest this, again.

 

Yes, great minds think alike!!

[preraph]

Just google today and get in therapy again by the end of the week. Let the new therapist transfer your records from the old one. Don't put it off. You're backsliding already.

[crispytoast]

I've got to say that new therapist and perhaps moving as well sound like excellent plans. Stop hanging out with this guy or going where he goes (like if you're going to go to church, find a different one). And honestly, it might be a good idea to make a new thread that's based around your improvement or desire for improvement than to keep returning to this thread that reminds you how "absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love" you are with this guy. It seems like it's become similar to a mantra in your life. As long as you keep repeating the same thoughts, you will be stuck in the same cycle.

 

Also, on the Pete thing, or even with casual sex outside of marriage, it's not beneficial to tell yourself that it's wrong or you are a bad person. You arent a bad person, and premarital sex is not wrong. Remember, we all fall short of the glory of God. It's part of the human experience. If you live with a good heart and try to have a positive impact on the world around you, you are doing God's work already. Humans have been having sex since well before there was marriage or Christianity, so don't beat yourself up about it.

[Madd_hatter]

Hey guys,

 

Hope you’re all enjoying spring!

 

Figured I’d check in with all you loveshackers.

 

I’m doing better for sure. I still really miss him a lot, but I haven’t broken down and cried in weeks. I think that does show some sign of progress, no?

 

I haven’t seen him in person or social media at all. I stopped seeing all therapists. I briefly saw a new one but realized it wasn’t for me. I need to heal myself, myself! Yes, talking feels good, but honestly, might have been making me feel worse. I think it’s been better since I have stopped talking so much about him.

 

I don’t know, maybe I’m an odd ball lol but I’m doing ok on my own. I’ve redecorated my apartment, and strangely, that has helped me A LOT! Not sure if it was a change of atmosphere, or just being distracted but it’s helped me so much.

 

I’m better for now. Hoping for the best, hoping not to have another meltdown.

[JuneL]

Great to hear about your progress. I think you can keep yourself busy with more such projects — they have the same positive effects as meditation.

[Madd_hatter]

As good as it is talking about it and letting it out, I feel like talking about him over and over was in the end making me think of him more and more. There are still times where he’ll randomly pop up in my head, but definitely not as much as when I keep talking about it/him all the time.

[stillafool]

Madd I couldn't agree with you more. Constantly talking about him will keep you thinking about him, stuck and unable to move forward. The minute you decide to stop talking about them it's incredible how fast you start to move forward. Good for you.

[Beachead]

As good as it is talking about it and letting it out, I feel like talking about him over and over was in the end making me think of him more and more. There are still times where he’ll randomly pop up in my head, but definitely not as much as when I keep talking about it/him all the time.

 

I can always tell when someone is getting better on here when they start to post less. It's a good thing. Keep doing what you're doing. It's working.

 

- Beach

[Madd_hatter]

Last night, minding my own business, scrolling through my Instagram feed, not expecting to see him because I’ve unfollowed him everywhere, there’s this video of him, in selfie form, telling some dumb funny story, that was reposted by a friend of ours. My head said keep scrolling but my eyes were glued to the screen. I must’ve watched it 30 times...maybe more. I’ve never wanted to reach into the screen and touch something so badly, ever. He was laughing and I almost forgot how much I love his laugh and smile. He looked good. He looked happy. It just reminded me of how I am not so happy.

[Happy Lemming]

...I must’ve watched it 30 times...maybe more. ...It just reminded me of how I am not so happy.

 

Why would you watch it... You already knew that it was going to make you unhappy.

 

It's like when I watch my morning news, (all I really want is the weather and any local events, etc.), but they will always have some political story that will anger me and put me in a bad mood for the day, so I mute everything except those items I need.

 

You didn't need to watch it... you didn't need to be on this "mutual friend's" instagram, as you knew there was a chance he'd be in that portal/feed. People post pictures and video(s) of their friends, and he is a friend of this person.

 

Look at the time and money you have dumped into therapy to try to get over him and you just threw that all out the window by watching this video 30+ times.

[preraph]

Well, what a self-defeating thing to do. You chose misery, once again. You have no one to blame but yourself.

[anika99]

As good as it is talking about it and letting it out, I feel like talking about him over and over was in the end making me think of him more and more. There are still times where he’ll randomly pop up in my head, but definitely not as much as when I keep talking about it/him all the time.

 

I blame your therapist for allowing you to make your sessions all about him. Many years ago I went to therapy after a particularly painful breakup. Of course all I wanted to talk about was the guy. How much I loved him, how hard it was to get over him, how much he hurt me, how could he do that? What was he thinking? My thoughts of him were obsessive. My therapist simply would not allow me to make our meetings about him. She would let me talk about him only a little bit and then turn the focus back to me. If I asked her to give me her opinion about him she would refuse to play along, saying since she doesn't know him and has never talked to him anything she would say would just be speculation and not helpful.

 

At first it kind of made me mad that she wouldn't discuss the one thing I wanted discuss which was him. But she was smarter than me in this area and she knew my pain and inability to move on from this failed relationship had very little to do with him specifically. It was all me. All the hurt and rejection I was feeling was inside of me, being fed by me. My problem was myself, not him. So I didn't get to spend my therapy sessions talking about him but in talking about myself and my perceptions and feelings I started to heal things I had been carrying with me for a long time. I started to correct my faulty thinking, my defeatist attitudes, etc, and by fixing those things I slowly got stronger and realized that my happiness and joy didn't ever depend on anyone else.

 

So if your therapy involved talking about him over and over again then you weren't getting good therapy. It's supposed to be about you, not anyone else. I'd recommend trying it again with someone else but make a conscious effort to focus the therapy on you and stop talking about him.

[stillafool]

I agree with the poster who said you need to start another thread about your self improvement. You said the other day that you are going to stop talking about this guy because it is keeping your thoughts stuck on him. Yet here you are again talking about him and viewing some video 30 times. You still need therapy and should find another therapist right away. Continuing to talk about this guy who was never really an ex of yours is poisoning you.

[stillafool]

So if your therapy involved talking about him over and over again then you weren't getting good therapy. It's supposed to be about you, not anyone else. I'd recommend trying it again with someone else but make a conscious effort to focus the therapy on you and stop talking about him.

 

These are good points. Maybe Madd's therapist did no longer want to talk about her ex and that is why Madd quit therapy. Perhaps she feels she can still talk about him here and that is why she is trying to start this back up again. Not going to happen Madd.

Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Beachead]

Last night, minding my own business, scrolling through my Instagram feed, not expecting to see him because I’ve unfollowed him everywhere, there’s this video of him, in selfie form, telling some dumb funny story, that was reposted by a friend of ours. My head said keep scrolling but my eyes were glued to the screen. I must’ve watched it 30 times...maybe more. I’ve never wanted to reach into the screen and touch something so badly, ever. He was laughing and I almost forgot how much I love his laugh and smile. He looked good. He looked happy. It just reminded me of how I am not so happy.

 

I know how it feels to see an unwanted picture or to have a dream about an ex. It sets you back for a few days..maybe even a week. These things unfortunately happen sometimes and it's normal to feel pain. But after the set back, that pain does subside again and often times much more quickly. You don't have to worry about that. Just remember to concentrate on your life, get focused on tomorrow and search for a new therapist so that you have someone to help you stay on track as you progress through the weeks. When things get unbearable, talk it out. You'll know you're getting better when you feel less of a need to talk about him. You're doing fine.

 

- Beach

Edited April 11, 2019 by Beachead

[Youngestdaughter]

If there's one thing I hate, it's people telling me what I should've done. I want to say, "Oh, I'll just turn back time and do that. Thanks for nothing and I hope you trip on your way out." And I kno If I read you right, y'all hooked up, he headed for daylight, and you haven't spoken since. You deserve more than that: a phone call, a letter, even a text saying, "Last night was amazing and I will always remember it but..." He was supposed to be your friend. Friends aren't supposed to do each other like that. I understand his actions. But he's not behaving like a good friend or a real man. Get mad, Girl!

If I were you, the only contact he would get from me would be, "Clearly, we did something wrong. The difference is, I'm taking responsibility for my part.Your refusal to do so and the fact you treated my feelings with such careless disregard makes it even more regrettable. You needn't worry about heating from me anymore. Yours is the kind of friendship I don't need in my life.' Congratulations on your impending marriage and best of luck to the bride."

People break weak. They make mistakes. But the way he's treated you since shows no honor, no character, not even decency.

Concentrate on that and he will be much easier to get over. He's a scared child who refuses to own his actions or give you any closure. You need a real man you can count on when times are tough. And Honey, he ain't it. Get mad and stay there.

[preraph]

^ She knew he was about to be engaged and it didn't slow her down a bit. So she did her part too.

[Madd_hatter]

Hey guys.. so I’m back here again. I haven’t made any slip ups. Haven’t seen him in weeks, maybe months. I can’t even remember the last time we talked. I have unfollowed him on all social media. He’s gone. It’s like he’s dead. Haven’t heard a peep from him. Haven’t heard so much as a mention of his name. My church going days are done. I’ve deleted or edited him out of every picture of had of him. He’s completely out of my life.

 

So why am I here still wishing he was with me? I have times when I’m fine, like totally fine. Then there’s times like this when he’s all I think about. I wonder where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s ok, is he happy like really happy. Does he ever think of me even for a split second? Are there times when he can’t sleep because I’m on his mind? Are there times when he can’t eat because he misses me so much his stomach feels sick? Do memories of the times we had together pop up unexpectedly and paralyze him with sadness so much so that he can’t function? Does he cry for me? Because that’s exactly how I feel.

 

Does he wish things were different? Does he regret what happened? Does he ever think about what would happen if we ended up together?

 

These questions haunt me.

[Happy Lemming]

So why am I here still wishing he was with me?

 

Well, your thread is almost a year old. - May 21st.

 

I really can't understand why you would sacrifice an entire year of your precious youth to getting over this guy. I think you have devoted more than enough time to recovery. You slept with him once and here it is a year later and you have not completely moved on. Why would you give so much power over your life to another human being?? Why is he even in your thoughts after all of this time?? Why do you even care what is going on with his life??

 

He doesn't think about you. He doesn't want you. He is married. He regrets nothing. He has his life.

 

You need to start your life... Have you tried dating anyone else??

[lana-banana]

I have times when I’m fine, like totally fine. Then there’s times like this when he’s all I think about.

 

This is how grieving works. You'll have good days, but you'll have bad days too. The goal is to reach a point where the good days far outnumber the bad. If you're fine most of the time, you're doing very well. Don't beat yourself up. Unfortunately the answers to your questions don't matter. It doesn't matter if he's happy or whether he misses you. He's living his own life and you are living yours.

 

How do you show your friends you care about them? You text them, send pictures, call, support each other, even just send cute emoji on their birthdays. You make an effort to be a part of their lives. Anyone who doesn't make an effort to be in YOUR life---friend or lover or otherwise---doesn't want to be, so you can't waste time on what-if. When you feel yourself starting to ask those questions, remind yourself that it doesn't matter. You have your own life now and you don't have time for anyone who won't make time for you.

[JuneL]

Well, your thread is almost a year old. - May 21st.

 

I really can't understand why you would sacrifice an entire year of your precious youth to getting over this guy. I think you have devoted more than enough time to recovery. You slept with him once and here it is a year later and you have not completely moved on. Why would you give so much power over your life to another human being?? Why is he even in your thoughts after all of this time?? Why do you even care what is going on with his life??

 

He doesn't think about you. He doesn't want you. He is married. He regrets nothing. He has his life.

 

You need to start your life... Have you tried dating anyone else??

 

I think that she enjoys thinking about him at the subconscious level.

[nospam99]

I really can't understand why you would sacrifice an entire year of your precious youth to getting over this guy.

 

You need to start your life... Have you tried dating anyone else??

 

Probably for a similar reason to why I have spent an entire year of my precious dotage to not getting over 'someone'. MH and I have our differences. Without getting into personal details about the lost relationships, a twenty-something female is going to have 'different' (MORE!) options than a sixty-something male. We also have our similarities. I can totally relate to the FEELINGS of loss and the wishes for a different outcome that MH has expressed. Yet I also agree with HL. 'Dating anyone else' is the next step in the 'right' direction. The tricky part, aside from the breadth of options, is being at least enough 'over' to be ready to date with openness to a new relationship rather than just 'going through the motions'.

[JuneL]

Probably for a similar reason to why I have spent an entire year of my precious dotage to not getting over 'someone'. MH and I have our differences. Without getting into personal details about the lost relationships, a twenty-something female is going to have 'different' (MORE!) options than a sixty-something male. We also have our similarities. I can totally relate to the FEELINGS of loss and the wishes for a different outcome that MH has expressed. Yet I also agree with HL. 'Dating anyone else' is the next step in the 'right' direction. The tricky part, aside from the breadth of options, is being at least enough 'over' to be ready to date with openness to a new relationship rather than just 'going through the motions'.

 

While it’s true that there’re plenty of single opposite sex when you’re in your 20s, the guy was OP’s first everything. When things didn’t work out with my first serious bf, I thought my whole world was crumbling and thought there’s no way I could have that extent of feelings for another guy — he was one in a trillion.

[FMW]

The trick to getting over someone is acceptance. Truly accepting that it's over, they aren't coming back, you don't have a future together.

 

Until you are ready to let go of the obsessive thoughts you won't move forward from being stuck where you are right now.

 

You DO have power over your thoughts. Not 100%, of course, but you have the power to redirect those thoughts. Focus on the fact that although you were completely eager and available to him he rejected the opportunity to be with you. How can you want to hold on to someone who would do that to you?

 

I've been there, I understand how very difficult it is. But if you choose to wallow in it, surrender to it, you will remain stuck. Figure out why it's preferable to you to continue suffering than to actively fight to move on.

 

As far as dating someone else, that's not always the answer. You have to be willing to let go of your dreams of the old without immediately having someone else to latch on to.

 

It's hard stuff, but you only have two choices - do the hard work to get out of it, or stay stuck.

[preraph]

He doesn't care about you in any meaningful way. He's not sitting around wondering anything except, Is she going to rat me out to my wife?