Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Beachead]

I feel like maybe I should call or message him. I have to know when he’s leaving if it’s even true. If he is I’ll never forgive myself for not saying goodbye. I just want to hear his voice. I want to tell him that I wish him well and congratulate him on the baby.

 

Bad idea. As Iana-Banana mentioned, that's just the addict in you looking to find any excuse to get your fix, and rid your immediate pain. Only he isn't the solution to your problem because HE is the problem. For you atleast.

 

Vent here instead and ride this storm out. You got passed the wedding, you survived the news about the pregnancy, you will make it through this as well.

[Madd_hatter]

It’s 4:12 am and I haven’t slept a wink. I need to be up in less then 3 hours for work. I can’t stop thinking of him. I wish I could shut my thoughts off just for a little while. I’m so tired, physically, emotionally and mentally. I need a break. I need to get away from these feelings. I want to run but where to? Something has got to give. I can’t do this much longer. I feel myself getting sicker. My head, my stomach, my chest.. I’m so heartbroken I’m in actually pain. Everything hurts and I want to scream.

 

I need help.. I was almost tempted to call my therapists private number. I didn’t. I thought about calling him.. I also didn’t do that. I miss him like crazy.

[lana-banana]

Have you looked at the Talkspace app? Give it a try.

 

My next suggestion is to schedule the HELL out of this weekend. I mean down to the minute lists, like 9 AM - clean bathroom; 9:30 AM - get coffee, or whatever. Even schedule something like a bubble bath or movie watching time! Get friends on your calendar if you can manage it. You need to stay busy and distracted.

 

I've said it before but you will not continue to heal if you insist you can't. You've come so far already. Don't give up now. And if you truly feel you can't cope even a second longer, call your therapist's private number. They will be able to help you through an emergency.

 

I am here if you need to DM. My hours are super erratic, so feel free to say hi anytime. But you have to push yourself through this.

[Madd_hatter]

I called in sick. I didn’t feel like I could make it to work today. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.

 

Last night was bad. I’m still not much better right now. I build myself up and actually feel hopeful, then I find crashing down. Breaking down! It’s exhausting. I feel like there’s no strength left in me. I’m so tired.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I called in sick. I didn’t feel like I could make it to work today. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.

 

Last night was bad. I’m still not much better right now. I build myself up and actually feel hopeful, then I find crashing down. Breaking down! It’s exhausting. I feel like there’s no strength left in me. I’m so tired.

 

I'm glad you scheduled that appointment. Be kind to yourself today and let us know how the appointment goes. You need to get some sleep or you're going to end up in in-patient psychiatric care.

[preraph]

You know what? Him moving is a blessing. We've all been saying you need to leave town, and now you don't have to because he has. No more worrying about running into him and how you'll act or what he's thinking. You will be free to roam.

[Londy]

I am not a psychiatrist but I would wager to guess that you would benefit from some strong anti-anxiety medications right about now.

[Beachead]

I called in sick. I didn’t feel like I could make it to work today. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist for this afternoon.

 

Last night was bad. I’m still not much better right now. I build myself up and actually feel hopeful, then I find crashing down. Breaking down! It’s exhausting. I feel like there’s no strength left in me. I’m so tired.

 

I like to think of this as withdrawal from a fantasy you immersed yourself in, for a long time. A very long time. Recent events with this guy have shaken that fantasy and actually tore a giant hole in it and through that hole, you see the reality of life. You hate it. It scares you. It pains you. Hence, the sleepless night, the relapse in feelings. Missing him. Wanting to contact him. You'll do anything to get yourself back into that warm, comforting, cocoon of a fantasy and fix yourself on the high of it.

 

The thing is, the very source of that fix you're trying to obtain to relieve your withdrawal symptoms, is ironically the very reason you're hurting so badly.

 

To get over this guy, you have stop bullsh*tting yourself and admit everyday that this has to stop and you need to feel it in all the pain and uncertainty it gives you and accept it so that you can arrive to the point where you sit back and ask yourself.."So what now?"

[nospam99]

I suggest someone who has the time to talk to her, send this young woman a PM and offer to be a 'sounding board'. OP, by now I expect you know some of 'us' well enough to know who you'd feel comfortable trusting. You say you can't talk to your family or friends about what you're going through. I take that at 'face value'. I'm just thinking that if I (TOTALLY different stage of life and stresses) needed 'someone to talk to', there's a bunch of LSers I'd trust. In fact I've got other 'friends' on other forums that I've turned to from time to time, admittedly years ago when my problems were parenting, and I have to say it worked out well. YMMV

 

FWIW, I can think of five or six of the 'mature' LS ladies who, if they have both the time and the willingness, I'd expect would be helpful to you.

[divegrl]

This thread is just heartbreaking to read.

 

Sending love and hugs to you OP.

[Madd_hatter]

Trying to keep busy today. I’m writing, cleaning my closets, going food shopping and experimenting with a recipe I found, then going to binge watch Netflix.

 

Trying to pull myself together. I’m trying to regain my ground. It’s hard. I’m trying not to think too much about it. Whenever I do, I break down. I just got to keep myself occupied. This weekend will be hard. I was thinking of going to my church tomorrow. I need to feel surrounded by home, ya know? I know he’ll be there, but that’s not why I want to go. I want to feel like myself again. I’m fading away and I miss the days where I was happy and hopeful. I want t sense of normality back in my life. I don’t know who I am anymore.

 

What is my purpose? What am I striving for? What’s the point?

 

I feel like happiness or sunshine will never re-enter my life. I just want to feel like myself again. I don’t enjoy doing the things I used to live for anymore and that breaks my heart even more. Even my Christian walk!

 

I’m broken. I’m a broken person. I’m off. Out of order. That’s how I feel.

 

I miss me.

[preraph]

One of these days you're going to get tired of being miserable and just stop.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I was thinking of going to my church tomorrow. I need to feel surrounded by home, ya know? I know he’ll be there, but that’s not why I want to go.

 

I think you need to stop lying to yourself, MH.

[Madd_hatter]

Today wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I managed to keep busy. There were times when he popped into my head but I pushed him out. I forced him out.

 

I binged a few episodes of Greys anatomy after a friend suggested it. All was well until they revealed that the main character falls in love with a married man for crying out loud. It hit just a little too close to home. Ugh!!! Why does everything lead me back to him?????

[Beachead]

...I binged a few episodes of Greys anatomy after a friend suggested it. All was well until they revealed that the main character falls in love with a married man for crying out loud. It hit just a little too close to home. Ugh!!! Why does everything lead me back to him?????

 

Because the wound is fresh so your mind is going to find ways to relate everything in your life back to him; a tv show, a song, the church, that parked car in the lot, a road etc. Everything.

 

Let it happen and as it happens, write in your journal all the thoughts that are going through your mind as they're entering your mind, and get it all out. It's important for you to see your flow of thoughts during an episode like this. When you see opponent, you can start figuring out a way to beat it. There's eventually going to be a time when you realize certain thoughts or ideas actually take the pain away. When that happens, write those down as well. They are also important. They are good and healthy thoughts or ideas, you can then remind yourself of them to help get yourself out of the next bad time that comes your way. If it unhealthy, you can train yourself to stop thinking like that.

 

This is another example of how writing can be put to good use, during this rough time.

 

- Beach

[preraph]

Grey's Anatomy is just one tearjerker soap opera scenario after another, not exactly what you need to be watching right now.

 

Watch Mom. Or find the old series from the 80s Dynasty. Also a soap format, but a very strong female character. You might get on Netflix and watch the first season only of Dr. Foster. She totally takes down her cheating husband. I say skip the second season because the first season has a conclusion and the second just kind of ruins it at the end. And watch anything that makes you laugh.

[Madd_hatter]

Ok..I’m obsessed with him. I have an unhealthy addiction to him. I’ve been sitting here, looking at all of his social media accounts and sulking for the passed 3 hours. I can’t get over him because I don’t want to.

 

I called him yesterday. He screened me. I sent a text afterwards saying that I miss him. He didn’t reply. I couldn’t help it. I fought it for days. I caved.

[lana-banana]

What else do you need to prove this is a fruitless and extremely painful path, MH? He doesn't want you to be in any part of his life. Isn't that enough to make you want to move on for real?

 

What are you going to do now?

[Beachead]

@MH

 

Ok..I’m obsessed with him. I have an unhealthy addiction to him. I’ve been sitting here, looking at all of his social media accounts and sulking for the passed 3 hours. I can’t get over him because I don’t want to.

 

To my knowledge, this is first time you've admitted this, which tells me you're progressing in the right direction.

 

As Iana-Banana stated above, that you're aware that this is all unhealthy..what are you going to do about it?

 

- Beach

Edited October 29, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

Be sure and tell your therapist what you did.

[Happy Lemming]

@Madd_hatter

 

Did Jason date other women before he met the woman that became his wife??

 

I know you told me they dated about 7 months before they got engaged, but (do you know if) he dated other women prior to that??

[lana-banana]

Respectfully, what does this guy's dating life have to do with anything? He is very much out of the picture and MH needs to focus on herself. I fear that letting her obsess over his life and conduct is keeping her in a bad place mentally.

 

MH, how are YOU doing today? Are you getting some sleep?

[Happy Lemming]

Respectfully, what does this guy's dating life have to do with anything?

 

I'm just wondering if the women Jason actually dated are acting like "Madd_hatter"??

 

After receiving an answer to my question, I was going to point out that "Madd_hatter"'s actions border on stalking.

 

He screened her call and ignored her text and they never even dated. Leave him alone and let him have his life. He had consensual sex with a friend, he doesn't deserve to be bothered because "Madd_hatter" has an unhealthy obsession with a fantasy that never happened.

[Happy Lemming]

I fear that letting her obsess over his life and conduct is keeping her in a bad place mentally.

 

"Madd_hatter" is already in a bad place mentally and not leaving that place anytime soon. In my opinion, she is beyond visiting a therapist and should look into an "away" 30 day mental health program.

[lana-banana]

She may be terribly obsessed but none of this "borders on stalking". She called and texted him, one time, after a long period of no contact whatsoever. That's not insane or over-the-top, especially for someone she's pined after for more than a decade. You're being unduly harsh here. And asking her about this guy's love life isn't just irrelevant, it's hurtful.

 

We already know a regular therapist is far beyond her budget, much less an inpatient program (and honestly I don't think she's anywhere near that level of crisis). She just needs more time and effort spent on herself and moving forward.