Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Madd_hatter]

What I wrote him.

 

“I appreciate your apology. I’m glad we’re on good terms. You mean a lot to me and I hated how things were between us. I forgive you and I will admit I haven’t been the best friend to you either. At the biggest moments in your life where I should’ve been happy for you, I was crying in the corner for selfish reasons. For that, I am sorry. But if you want me to move on, then being friends is not the best idea. As long as you’re in my life I won’t be able to move on. As much as it hurts me to let you go, it would hurt me more to just hang around and watch you live your life. Trust me, I want you to be happy, but it hurts me. I know that sounds terrible of me, but it’s the truth. So I just wanted to clear the air. You don’t have to reply to this. There’s no need. We’ve already said all that we needed to. I will miss you and I do love you... I always will. Be blessed.”

 

It was difficult typing it. But I think I did the right thing.

[preraph]

I think it's fine. I hope he leaves it at that now. I hope he gets it. And I hope it helps you.

[Beachead]

What I wrote him.

 

“I appreciate your apology. I’m glad we’re on good terms. You mean a lot to me and I hated how things were between us. I forgive you and I will admit I haven’t been the best friend to you either. At the biggest moments in your life where I should’ve been happy for you, I was crying in the corner for selfish reasons. For that, I am sorry. But if you want me to move on, then being friends is not the best idea. As long as you’re in my life I won’t be able to move on. As much as it hurts me to let you go, it would hurt me more to just hang around and watch you live your life. Trust me, I want you to be happy, but it hurts me. I know that sounds terrible of me, but it’s the truth. So I just wanted to clear the air. You don’t have to reply to this. There’s no need. We’ve already said all that we needed to. I will miss you and I do love you... I always will. Be blessed.”

 

It was difficult typing it. But I think I did the right thing.

 

It came from your heart and it was straight up honest. Good on you MH.

 

Be prepared for any kind of response including no response, and remember that no matter that what, the best thing for you is to stop engaging with him.

[Madd_hatter]

It came from your heart and it was straight up honest. Good on you MH.

 

Be prepared for any kind of response including no response, and remember that no matter that what, the best thing for you is to stop engaging with him.

 

Well that was the reason I told him not to reply. This way, if he doesn’t I won’t feel bad lol. Very emotional couple weeks for me. I’m trying to ride out all these ups and downs. I’m not ok.. far from ok. But I have no other option. This is my reality for right now.

[BaileyB]

You did the right thing. Hugs.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The reason I’m not replying? I feel like there’s nothing to say. I don’t want to be friends with him. I want to be with him. Friends is not enough. So if I can’t have that than there’s no point.

 

Good. But this is the exact opposite of what you've said multiple times in the last year. Many times you said you just wanted him in your life in whatever capacity you could have him (paraphrasing). I am glad to see you've changed your mind about that.

[Madd_hatter]

Good. But this is the exact opposite of what you've said multiple times in the last year. Many times you said you just wanted him in your life in whatever capacity you could have him (paraphrasing). I am glad to see you've changed your mind about that.

 

Yes!! You are 100% right. But like Beach said, I get a rush of happiness talking and communicating with him, then we part ways and I come crashing down. It’s not enough. I need to cut him off. It’s like the Bible says, if your arm causes you to sin, cut it off. It’s better to hurt for a little but be able to heal. I keep ripping open the same wounds over and over and honestly I don’t have the strength anymore. I’m tired of feeling this way. It’s draining me physically, emotionally and mentally. I need rest. I’m so exhausted I can barely hold my head up. It’s time to leave him be. He will never be what I wanted. He will never be able to give me what I wanted. His friendship isn’t enough anymore. It’s stopping my life. I put myself on hold just to keep him close. I got off of my path, stopped following my dreams, to sit there and watch him follow his. I wish I was happy for him. I know it’s wrong of me to feel this way, but I’m not. I’m miserable. I told him I was happy for him but how can I be? His happiness is the very same thing that’s making me miserable. So no,.. I don’t think I could be his friend. I don’t need him as a friend. It’s destroyed me, having him as a friend.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

MH, it's OK to not be happy for him. It doesn't mean you wish him dead or even wish any kind of ill will on him. But you are human.

[Beachead]

@MH

 

It's okay not to be okay and it's okay to feel these things about him. It's okay. One of the most crucial steps to healing is allowing yourself to freely feel everything that comes your way. Let it fly without shame. You have to let things be; him, the situation, yourself. You have surrender to what you can't control and accept it. I've failed at a lot of things in my life but one of most valuable lessons I ever learned from it was how to lose gracefully. Success is nice but nobody really talks about the fact that a lot of things in life are not going to happen the way you want it. A lot is out of your control. You may fail and make mistakes. We lose all the time so knowing how to take those bumps and keep going is essential. You want to take that pain, you want to welcome it in, and let it hurt. Harness it and put it into things that give back to you both physically and mentally.

 

When I was broken over my relationship, I was still teaching music to people and it was one of the best parts of my week. I helped people get passed their mental limitations through music. I watched them improve their skill and feel proud of their accomplishments. In turn, they gave me confidence and self-belief and I felt useful.

 

At the same time, I went back to school. I tuned the world out and dove into my studies and the hard work paid off because I ended up seeing marks I hadn't seen my entire life. I met a lot of good people who taught me things as well and I coincidently helped people in that program with my own sets of skills. It gave me confidence in myself, taught me new skills and showed me the potential I knew I had in me; something that's with me for the next in my own journey.

 

Even though I was suffering, I took the pain and I channeled it into my life, and it gave back to me in a way that helped me heal. I do have some scars from my experiences MH. They're with me. But they remind me of where I've come from and what I've learned and I don't want to forget because that's what's going to help me get through my future.

 

You won't always feel like this. It will get better. The evidence of that is the massive strides you've made over the past year. Just let yourself feel your pain, and don't give up on you.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited November 21, 2019 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I read a quote that said every girl has that one guy she will have a crush on forever. I felt that. And it actually kind of down played for me. It made me realize it’s not such a big deal. I can do this. It’s fine. I don’t have to “get over” him. He’s my forever crush. I can live with that. I can still breathe, eat, sleep, have fun, date other people, work, and have a normal life. It’s not a disability. It will be ok. I will be ok.

 

It’s just a crush.

[lana-banana]

Madd - I assure you that's not true. Nobody is your forever anything if you don't let them be. Yeah, there may be guys who you fall hard for or who break your heart, and you think you'll never feel closure, but it's not a permanent state. A few years ago I ran into my worst ex, a guy who I thought I was going to marry, and guess what? I felt absolutely nothing.

 

You can and will move past this if you put the work in. I know I've said this before, but you are so young you don't even realize how young you are. You are going to change more in the next few years than you ever thought possible. Eventually you're going to stop in the middle of dinner out with friends, realize you haven't thought about him in weeks, say "huh" and go back to enjoying yourself.

 

You have to believe you can move forward, and you have to do what it takes. Stopping all contact is a good first step. Therapy is vital too. You have gotten some extraordinary advice here, particularly from Beachead; I suggest you read over those posts when you're feeling really blue. And for goodness sakes, don't be too hard on yourself. You aren't going to have everything figured out. Your 20s are rough! I spent most of mine depressed and struggling, and didn't even really feel a solid sense of myself until around 27. But I put in a lot of work on self-improvement and my career, met and married the man of my dreams, and am finally doing okay. And I'm not hung up on any exes, either!

 

One of the best parts of being an adult is realizing you are in charge of yourself. This period of your life will only be as significant as you allow it to be. You can get up, work, have fun, move forward. You just have to get started and keep at it. Lots of hugs.

[BaileyB]

I don’t believe that either.

 

Sure, your “first love” will always have a special place in your heart, but life goes on... You will change in ways that you don’t understand now, you will have experiences that you can’t even imagine now, and you will have a love that you have never felt before - because when that loved is returned it feels amazing!

 

You can remember this man fondly, it doesn’t mean that you can’t move forward with your life. I read a quote recently that hit home for me - “growing older is about learning to start over, time and again.” This is so true - your relationship ends, your partner dies, you lose your job, you retire, your kids leave home, your parents die... Your ability to pick yourself up, start over, and reinvent yourself will determine your happiness and fulfillment in life.

 

You are so young. This is what your 20’s are for - making mistakes and learning about life. Give it time. You will get there...

[Happy Lemming]

I’m tired of feeling this way.

 

Well Jason is gone, Done and Done!!

 

Now, tell us about your weekend plans to "paint the town red"!!

[preraph]

I have a forever crush, but it's not painful -- and why I still have that crush is specifically because he never caused it to become painful. If he had done something awful to me, I wouldn't still have it. He was careful.

[Madd_hatter]

Well.... I went to the midweek church service last night and he wasn’t there. I did feel bad, it was sad not having him there. But it was soooooo much less distracting. It still sucks but at least I didn’t have one eye on him the whole time.

 

Don’t despise small beginnings the Bible tells us.

[Madd_hatter]

Ok... I EFFING MISS HIM

[Piddy]

Admittedly I haven't read this whole thread. And I'm certainly not an expert in how the brain works regarding why we feel the way we feel when it comes to love.

 

I was recently surprised by how my brain reacted to looking up an old girlfriend (decades later). It was really surprising. So, don't be surprised if you really never get over him. But you need not be paralyzed for life over this.

 

As simple as it sounds (from my own experience), believe it or not you need to find someone else to love. He may be what turns out to be the love of your life, but you need to find someone that will love you back as much as you love them. You owe that to yourself.

 

You seem like you can't let go, but you have to let go FOREVER. That means he needs to be out of your life forever. You can never be friends, unless the time comes when you are indifferent to him and only then, which may never happen in your case.

 

You seem to have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) with this guy. Again, the only way through this and out the other side for you (IMO) is to start actively looking for someone else to love. Until then you'll be stuck in a perpetual 'Ground Hog Day' where you relive the same thing over and over again.

 

There is a way out for you, but you seem unwilling to actively search for a path out. IMO the path out and permanently out is to allow yourself to love someone else.

 

Start actively looking. You seem like a decent, loving girl who many guys would give their right arm to have your love directed at them. It's been misdirected for far too long.

 

I know young people don't have the same perspective as an older person. However, take it from someone who was crushed decades ago by someone I loved very much. You can love again, and you deserve to have that same love returned to you as well.

 

Enough time has passed. It's your choice. Continue to wallow or take charge of your own destiny. Good Luck............

Edited November 23, 2019 by Piddy

[Madd_hatter]

Was feeling lonely and I texted him. It was dumb I know. I sent him a picture of myself. Or certain parts of myself I should say. I don’t know what I was thinking. He hasn’t seen them yet. I know because he has read recites on.

[Madd_hatter]

Update he did see them.

 

He replied with a shocked face emoji. I sent him a top less picture and he sent me a shocked face emoji

[lana-banana]

Kid gloves off: that was a horrible thing to do. You are young and you're going to make a lot of mistakes in your life, but this was awful. However he treated you is not an excuse to text sexy photos to a married man. What will his wife think if she sees it? (If you really did send him that photo out of the blue he might end up showing her, because he's not the one who looks bad---you look like you're desperate for attention.) You said you'd never interfere with their lives. How could you do that to a newlywed pregnant with her first child?

 

MH, you need to block his number immediately and consider him dead to you. You seem to have realized that going back over the same paths hasn't helped, so now you're escalating to more dramatic measures. What happens when he ultimately ignores this, or blocks you, or tells your pastor and mutual friends what you did? What if he shares the picture with people you know? You are sabotaging your healing and your overall mental health, not to mention your reputation in your community. The only potential upside to this is you have more incentive than ever to move.

 

I don't want to beat you up for this too much, because you're probably being pretty hard on yourself already, but this is unacceptable. You need to talk to your therapist (or someone else who's available, like a Talkspace app counselor) today.

[nospam99]

Update he did see them.

 

He replied with a shocked face emoji. I sent him a top less picture and he sent me a shocked face emoji

 

a) Send an apology - a VERY grovelling apology.

b) Find SOMEONE you can 'talk' to when you get 'tempted' to do something that 'over the top'. Someone who knows you In Real Life is WAY the best choice. Even someone here on LS is IMHO better than risking doing something like sending a topless photo. If you want, I'll volunteer my personal list of several 'mature ladies' on LS who I think you'd do well to talk to (and I'll have to ask them my forgiveness for putting them forward like that).

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh MH.....how are you feeling today about this horrible decision you made?

 

Were you expecting him to send a smiley face instead of a shocked face and ask for more? Were you expecting to start up an emotional affair with this now long-distance man?

 

You really do need to BLOCK his number so you are not tempted to do stuff like this again. What if his wife saw it?

[Madd_hatter]

I was drunk. I don’t drink. I never have ever before in my life. But last night was bad. I was having a rough few days over the holiday. I felt like nothing was going to ever happen in my life. So I went to a bar. I met a few people, talked, laughed, drank. I only had 3 drinks. I didn’t think I’d get that drunk. How can a person get so drunk by having 3 drinks? It was awful. I feel awful.

 

Being out was fine, but then I got home. That’s when I sent the pictures. One selfie, and one of my boobs. He replied almost instantly. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I honestly don’t know what I felt the outcome would be. All I know was that I missed him and wanted him.

[lana-banana]

Well, you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. No one here knows what the consequences will be. Will you block his number immediately? Right now?

[FMW]

Stop making excuses for yourself and understand you have a serious problem.

 

I haven’t stalked him to the point where I would need psychiatric in-patient stay. So I’ve checked his profiles a few times, and I called and texted him twice In a year, I hardly see that as a threat.

 

I already said I won’t cause him, his wife, or unborn child any problems at all. .

 

You posted the above a few weeks back when you were being warned about things being out of hand.

 

Please be honest with yourself. Letting yourself continue to wallow in your obsession is extremely unhealthy for you. Surely you see that now?

 

As has been pointed out, this can come back on you badly if he shares this incident with others. Please see this for the wake up call it is.