Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[preraph]

I think No Go brought up this point because her religious fanatic ex had to marry someone who was religious enough for his church.

 

Ah. But these two go to the same church, so that's not it here.

[No_Go]

Ha, maybe he 'inspired' my comment, but it's more than that. I spent way too much in his communities to see how marriages were pastor-guided...

 

Another type of constraint that I've seen under different circumstances is cultural - try explaining e.g. to an Indian family that their son has a "Western" gf...

 

All I'm saying it's unlikely OP's looks (only). Butterflies do not generate in vacuum, there is usually pretty rational explanation for 'butterflies' or lack of them and it can be found if one spend the effort to do it. [or some this will be useless effort, for others like me it's the one and only one way to move on from a situation like OP's].

 

 

I think No Go brought up this point because her religious fanatic ex had to marry someone who was religious enough for his church.

[bene]

I think searching for a reason why the guy is not attracted to OP is counterproductive in many ways.

 

First of all it’s an excuse to keep him in your mind and go over and over minute details that actually might have no bearing at all. But to an obsessed mind this would still be better than nothing, a connection to the object of desire. All this ruminating doesn’t have a purpose because the outcome is still the same - he knowingly married someone else.

 

Secondly finding a reason creates possibility to argue and negotiate, an illusion that if you change this or that then he will suddenly like you romantically. But attraction doesn’t work like this. If you think of people you’re not attracted to then I doubt they could change that by changing some detail in their appearance or habits.

 

I say it with kindness - you must come to term with the fact that he is gone for you. Mourn if you have to, cry, feel bad, be angry, it’s all totally normal. But this whole thread shows that you have not accepted the reality and it is concerning.

[JuneL]

Ha, maybe he 'inspired' my comment, but it's more than that. I spent way too much in his communities to see how marriages were pastor-guided...

 

Another type of constraint that I've seen under different circumstances is cultural - try explaining e.g. to an Indian family that their son has a "Western" gf...

 

All I'm saying it's unlikely OP's looks (only). Butterflies do not generate in vacuum, there is usually pretty rational explanation for 'butterflies' or lack of them and it can be found if one spend the effort to do it. [or some this will be useless effort, for others like me it's the one and only one way to move on from a situation like OP's].

 

I agree that often you can find rational reasons to justify (at least ex post) why you have butterflies with someone but not another. But it’s likely a combination of things. I am sure the OP already sort of “knows” why this loser has never been into her. Then what?!

[No_Go]

I agree that often you can find rational reasons to justify (at least ex post) why you have butterflies with someone but not another. But it’s likely a combination of things. I am sure the OP already sort of “knows” why this loser has never been into her. Then what?!

 

At least for me it’s a way to close a page. No more ‘what ifs’. The worst reason is better than no reason IMO. But then I’m professionally biased maybe for others is different...

[stillafool]

 

Find a trusted friend to talk to and talk the sh*t out of it - that's what will help you more than any therapy.

 

 

Actually friends hate this. Once or twice maybe, but talking the sh*t out of your problems will bore them stiff and make them avoid you.

 

There are free services in every city. Look it up.

[losangelena]

Actually friends hate this. Once or twice maybe, but talking the sh*t out of your problems will bore them stiff and make them avoid you.

 

There are free services in every city. Look it up.

 

I second this. A lot of friends distanced themselves from me when I was going through this, because they were sick of hearing about it.

 

I'll reiterate how deleterious I think it is for OP to come to some sort of conclusion as to "why" this guy chose the woman he ended up marrying. Her obsessive thought cycling really has little to do with him as a person or their relationship. I would argue that this really doesn't have much to do with him, and is more about what's going on in her mind. He's more of a symbol/talisman at this point. God, I remember back to my obsessive days, and there were some days where literally this man's name would just be in my brain. It was really quite awful.

[Madd_hatter]

I agree. It doesn’t matter the reason why he’s never felt the same. It isn’t my fault either. Why do some people like ketchup and some don’t? It isn’t the ketchups fault that some people don’t like it. It’s about preference. I’m not angry that he didn’t pick me. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it suck? Yes. Do I wish things were different? Yes, yes, yes.

 

But I have no power to change it. I tried. I failed. Now I have to heal and move on.

 

Simple as that.

 

I will NOT take the blame for him not wanting me. And I can’t blame him either.

 

In the words of my late grandpa. “Sometimes, it just be’s that way”.

[Beachead]

I agree. It doesn’t matter the reason why he’s never felt the same. It isn’t my fault either. Why do some people like ketchup and some don’t? It isn’t the ketchups fault that some people don’t like it. It’s about preference. I’m not angry that he didn’t pick me. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it suck? Yes. Do I wish things were different? Yes, yes, yes.

 

But I have no power to change it. I tried. I failed. Now I have to heal and move on.

 

Simple as that.

 

I will NOT take the blame for him not wanting me. And I can’t blame him either.

 

In the words of my late grandpa. “Sometimes, it just be’s that way”.

 

That's more like it.

[Madd_hatter]

I second this. A lot of friends distanced themselves from me when I was going through this, because they were sick of hearing about it.

 

I'll reiterate how deleterious I think it is for OP to come to some sort of conclusion as to "why" this guy chose the woman he ended up marrying. Her obsessive thought cycling really has little to do with him as a person or their relationship. I would argue that this really doesn't have much to do with him, and is more about what's going on in her mind. He's more of a symbol/talisman at this point. God, I remember back to my obsessive days, and there were some days where literally this man's name would just be in my brain. It was really quite awful.

 

It is awful!! I sometimes feel it’s out of my control. I could be doing something totally unrelated to him and he’ll just pop up in my head. It’s much worse at night. I don’t remember the last time I got a full nights sleep.

[Beachead]

It is awful!! I sometimes feel it’s out of my control. I could be doing something totally unrelated to him and he’ll just pop up in my head. It’s much worse at night. I don’t remember the last time I got a full nights sleep.

 

A lot of those thoughts are involuntary so it is largely out of your control. But while the madness is going on, you're mind is actual working through it all, slowly but surely. You're going to find you'll feel like crap for a few days, then you'll feel good for a few hours. Then you'll feel like crap again. Then good for another few hours etc. As time goes on, those good days will increase and take over. A bad day will come out of nowhere which will set you back for a week or two and then you'll get back on your feet.

 

In all my breakups and losses of people in my life, I started of struggling to get through 15 minutes a day. But after a few weeks, I was working on getting through a few hours. Then that got easy and I started trying to get through half a day..then it became a whole day. Then a few days..then a week..a month etc. The progress creeps on you slowly. One day, months later, you're going to wake up and feel decent and that's when you'll know you'll be okay. That's when you'll realize there's hope for a new life.

 

But take it from me, if he contacts you and you respond to him or you end up seeing him, it's going to prolong this level of pain and keep you stuck.

 

So keep him out of sight, out of mind. You have to heal.

[losangelena]

Plus 1 to the above.

[Madd_hatter]

Turns out, he messaged me Sunday night and I didn’t even know. It was after 8pm asking why I haven’t attended services in so long. I didn’t reply, of course. But I’d like to reply with “it’s none of your business what I do or where I go, you have a wife now, bye!”, but I didn’t. Trying my best not to, but my goodness I’d love to speak my mind.

[losangelena]

Why ... why don't you?

[Madd_hatter]

Why ... why don't you?

 

Do you think I should?

 

I thought any kind of contact with him would be a huge setback for me. I still don’t really feel strong enough to be around him or talk to him without it hurting me and leading me to overthink things again.

 

I’m feeling 10% better than I did last week.

 

Btw, the girls left for Greece. As you can probably tell, I did not.

[Beachead]

Turns out, he messaged me Sunday night and I didn’t even know. It was after 8pm asking why I haven’t attended services in so long. I didn’t reply, of course. But I’d like to reply with “it’s none of your business what I do or where I go, you have a wife now, bye!”, but I didn’t. Trying my best not to, but my goodness I’d love to speak my mind.

 

Good move. Engaging with him only serves him, not you..so I really hope you maintain the silence. If you do, don't do it to manipulate him into changing his mind. You will sorely disappointed. Do this for you and your health.

 

Everytime you get weak, remember that he could have had you but he chose someone else. He did what was best for him which is completely fine but now you have to do what's best for you.

[losangelena]

I think the type of contact you have with him would impact your feelings after. I personally don't think setting a boundary with him (it's none of your business) would be a set back for you, I think it'd be a step in the right direction, because doing so means you're okay with the loss of contact or relationship if he complies. That's huge, considering you say your biggest fear is losing him. Telling to buzz off mean you're okay with losing him.

 

Edited to add: maintaining no contact is also a good tactic! If you're not ready to set boundaries, then do not engage!

[Madd_hatter]

I think the type of contact you have with him would impact your feelings after. I personally don't think setting a boundary with him (it's none of your business) would be a set back for you, I think it'd be a step in the right direction, because doing so means you're okay with the loss of contact or relationship if he complies. That's huge, considering you say your biggest fear is losing him. Telling to buzz off mean you're okay with losing him.

 

Edited to add: maintaining no contact is also a good tactic! If you're not ready to set boundaries, then do not engage!

 

That’s just it. I’m constantly fighting with myself about what’s the right thing to do and figuring out the right reasons to do them.

 

And you’re totally right, part of me is still terrified of losing him completely. Would you like me to lie and say his message didn’t make me feel all warm and toasty inside? It did. He thought of me. He looked for me. He wanted to see me. That makes me feel like there still may be hope, and that’s why I think I should stay away.

 

A friend told me that when I don’t feel desperate to be around him, that’s when I can be.

 

Also, telling him to leave me alone may actually make him leave me alone, and I still don’t want that. I’m sorry but I’m being real and honest here.

[Beachead]

That’s just it. I’m constantly fighting with myself about what’s the right thing to do and figuring out the right reasons to do them.

 

And you’re totally right, part of me is still terrified of losing him completely. Would you like me to lie and say his message didn’t make me feel all warm and toasty inside? It did. He thought of me. He looked for me. He wanted to see me. That makes me feel like there still may be hope, and that’s why I think I should stay away.

 

A friend told me that when I don’t feel desperate to be around him, that’s when I can be.

 

Also, telling him to leave me alone may actually make him leave me alone, and I still don’t want that. I’m sorry but I’m being real and honest here.

 

I believe this was the right move for you. You yourself decided it was best and for once it was decision that wouldn't hurt you..though healing won't be easy.

 

You have to get over him first if you want to genuinely be friends with him and and whether you two can do that is a loose maybe that will depend on many factors that are also outside of your control. In any case, you in your head after to assume that this old connection you two had is over. This is the end of the movie. You have to..HAVE TO face that pain in order to move forward. And that's why he can't be around you.

 

From this thread, we know, you're not ready.

 

I believe if you tell him off like you were contemplating, in your weak state, you're going to wake up the next morning and want to apologize or try to fix it. If it starts an argument between you and him, again..you may also want to fix that which means you're going to want to message him..or even worse, you're going to dwell on what you did. Don't give yourself more fuel.

 

Your silence is good. You're not making a fool of yourself. You're not adding fuel. You're not showing him how badly he hurt you. You get to shut the noise out of your head and quietly mend your wounds.

 

- Beach

Edited October 16, 2018 by Beachead

[LoverOfDance]

Your friend is a VERY weak man. I sound harsh but it's the truth. If you do not close the door on this man completely you'll both end up in an affair. If you think what you're feeling now is the worst thing you can feel, just wait.

 

You CANNOT go half way on this. This man will pull you right into an affair. You both slept together right before he married someone else, you still have deep intense feelings for him, he is still trying to get in contact with you and you are allowing him access to you. You are both playing with fire.

 

This is not about what you want. You cannot drag your feet with this. Whether you're ready or not, cut him loose completely. HE IS MARRIED. Do it now and do it quickly or this will not end well.

[preraph]

Turns out, he messaged me Sunday night and I didn’t even know. It was after 8pm asking why I haven’t attended services in so long. I didn’t reply, of course. But I’d like to reply with “it’s none of your business what I do or where I go, you have a wife now, bye!”, but I didn’t. Trying my best not to, but my goodness I’d love to speak my mind.

 

Didn't you say before that it may be part of his church duties to call and try to get people to come to church? I brought it up, but then you agreed.

[JuneL]

Didn't you say before that it may be part of his church duties to call and try to get people to come to church? I brought it up, but then you agreed.

 

Great point. OP: I assume other hardcore church members have noticed and asked why you haven’t been attending church. What excuse did you give them?

 

Good job for not replying to the loser.

[preraph]

I think you should just tell your parents, not the whole thing maybe, but that you had high hopes for him and thought he liked you and so you don't feel like running into him. Or tell the pastor. Get it off your shoulders.

[elaine567]

It may be another testing of the waters, similar to the cufflink incident.

He needs to assess where you stand and he can't do that if you are no-where to be seen.

Maybe he heard you had not gone to Greece as you were too upset, and so was worried you were about to spill the beans...

[Amethyst68]

Honestly I'd be surprised if he's anywhere near as invested as you think it's he is. I think in his mind nothing but an old friend that he kissed now and then and slept with once. I doubt you're on his radar as anything other than a friend or acquaintance.

 

If he's calling you then it IS probably to do with his church duties but you don't want to acknowledge that.If you spin it to be because of guilt, that he's keeping an eye on you in case you tell his wife then you can persuade yourself you are important to him, that he's reaching out to you because he's realising now you're the one for him.

 

I'm sorry but I truly don't think you're even in his thoughts unless it's convenient for him and you're only wasting your own life.

 

It's a shame you didn't go to Greece, I hope you didn't lose too much money as most holiday insurance I know of wouldn't cover a situation like this.