Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[bathtub-row]

I’m trying to read this whole thread and catch up - forgive me if I’ve missed something. I only made it to page 7 reading only your comments, OP.

 

First of all, my heart really hurts for you. I once loved a man like this, 2 men actually. And I never married either of them. The first one - amazingly hard man to crack in terms of who he hung out with and getting his attention. I was clueless about all that in the beginning because I didn’t know him.

 

One day, we were standing at the elevators at an office and went quiet. We just stared at one another and I kid you not, it was like I was literally lifted to another place in time for a few moments. It was such an astounding experience. He was married and we worked together, never had sex or even kissed. Conversations just came easily, all that.

 

Then came the day when he called me and said that he loved his wife but he was much too tempted being around me. Literally took me 2 full years to get past that. But every day, tiny pieces by tiny pieces, I noticed the pain finally started to subside and I got through it. Not only that, I knew then that if I could survive THAT, I could survive pretty much anything. And that has been true. I’ve been slammed here and there over the years and it’s like I’m nearly immune. I have an incredible bounce-back rate.

 

That was about 25 years ago. I googled him not long ago and discovered that he moved out of state, his sons are grown, he and his wife and kids all do these family things together, and he has a published book on finances. Funny, I have 4 published novels. Not surprising that we’re alike in that regard, I suppose.

 

You asked if anyone out there understands this kind of love and, yes, I’m sure several people do. But I’m living proof that you survive and learn to thrive. I can look at his website or book and not feel much at all. I still like and admire him but those feelings of love have gone dormant. Some times it’s really about self-preservation not to feel that badly again. Right now you think it’s not a choice, but you’ll come to a point where it becomes one. You’ll get there.

[preraph]

Thanks beached.

 

I stay awake almost every night thinking about those things.

 

Them having sex, sleeping next to each other probably in each other’s arms, doing couple stuff, being cute cheesy and romantic, just hanging around watching tv, one day having kids,. All of this is what keeps me awake. She’s living the life I’ve always wanted with the one person I wanted it with. It hurts me more than it angers me.

 

Like I said, I don’t blame anyone. He didn’t want me. I get it. For whatever reason, I get it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

 

I know he’s done crappy stuff to her and me, but it still doesn’t make me hate him. I can’t hate him. I can’t even stay mad at him.

 

I feel like I need to find someone who will pay attention to me. As selfish as that may sound, I need to feel loved or at least liked.

 

It is not selfish to want someone to pay attention to you and make you feel loved and liked. That's what you should be looking for, someone who cares. Now, I'm not saying it's always easy to tell. Men will often act that way just for sex. But I think you'll know when something feels more reciprocal.

 

For therapy, you should start with that online thing someone recommended earlier in the thread because it's inexpensive enough, and then see how that goes. But remember, you have to tell them the whole truth. It is just a waste of money to blow smoke up a psychologist's butt and mislead them to hear what you want to hear. Cut right to the chase so you don't waste a lot of money. Tell them your deepest darkest thoughts, even if you think it makes you look bad because that's what they're there for.

[losangelena]

Also, I want to reiterate that THIS WILL TAKE TIME. There's no quick fix for the predicament you're in. Even talking to a therapist might feel like it's not doing much good, but you gotta stick with it, and over time, you'll feel better. These kinds of feelings don't vanish overnight. You'll feel great one day, and the next day will suck again. You just gotta hang on.

[Madd_hatter]

Also, I want to reiterate that THIS WILL TAKE TIME. There's no quick fix for the predicament you're in. Even talking to a therapist might feel like it's not doing much good, but you gotta stick with it, and over time, you'll feel better. These kinds of feelings don't vanish overnight. You'll feel great one day, and the next day will suck again. You just gotta hang on.

 

That seasaw of emotion is what’s killing me. It’s taking a lot out of me. I know it’s only been a few months but I just don’t feel like I’ve made any progress.

 

I feel just as horrible as I did back in May.

 

Tired of this. I want to feel better. I’d say I want to feel like myself again, but this is myself. This is the only version of myself I’ve ever known.

 

I’m jealous of her. She’s so lucky. I don’t care what anyone says or how crazy I sound. He may not be great or perfect or amazing, but I love him. I wanted him. I still want him.

 

Hoping I’ll make it through this.

[Madd_hatter]

Oh my god I did such a dumb thing and I wish I could take it back. I called him, crying and saying I don’t even know what I was saying. As it was ringing I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. He answered and I just let it all out.

 

I tried posting on here all through the day but it didn’t help. I just had to hear his voice. Seeing him last night really set me back. He was without her and it totally set me off.

 

i cried and poured my heart out to him over the phone and he just kept saying stop it, Madd, we can’t do this. Then he whispered something and I couldn’t hear what it was, so I asked him to say it again but he wouldn’t.

 

Im so embarrassed. I don’t know how I’ll ever look him in the eyes again.

[losangelena]

Oh my god I did such a dumb thing and I wish I could take it back. I called him, crying and saying I don’t even know what I was saying. As it was ringing I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. He answered and I just let it all out.

 

I tried posting on here all through the day but it didn’t help. I just had to hear his voice. Seeing him last night really set me back. He was without her and it totally set me off.

 

i cried and poured my heart out to him over the phone and he just kept saying stop it, Madd, we can’t do this. Then he whispered something and I couldn’t hear what it was, so I asked him to say it again but he wouldn’t.

 

Im so embarrassed. I don’t know how I’ll ever look him in the eyes again.

 

Can you articulate what exactly you think this guy would be able to do or say to make you feel better?

[Rotn'roses]

Some people are our soul mates or whatever it is that makes us feel so strongly about them...I know, I have been where you are-or am just getting over it...Lord, help us, right?! I pray that you come to the point that I am right about now in my life-finally!! That person whom you know is 100% right for you, is not, right now, in this lifetime anyways, it would seem. So, say a prayer and let them go when you can after you realize that they want to move on, and have, completely. If you know that there is a connection there forever, let go, and let God.

We can not know why some of us are unfortunate enough to find that person who is 100% for us and us alone (I trust myself 100% to know what is good and right for me concerning my emotional and physical needs) but I have to believe that something good will come out of this. Maybe not now, but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that that person will always be a part of me. There is a reason for this heartache but I know that I can trust that we will always be a part of one another and I do not think a partnership with the one you truly love has to be so negative. And that is the point...the point of growth, to be precise. The growth of the soul. This world will fade away one day and our lives and theirs and their spouses will all turn to dust, but our love will remain eternal. Enrique Iglesias said it best, "You can run, you can hide, but you cant escape my love." Some of us do have a part that creates a whole, or at least attempts to...but that does not mean we will attain it in this life here on Earth. If you want to love him, ohh that passionate love that holds you spellbound between heaven and hell, then by all means, love the man. I do. But come to another chapter in life where your happiness here matters as well. He is showing you the way. Fake it till you make it if you have to at first. It is ok to also enjoy your life as he is. Gather your courage and love yourself now. We are here on earth to be tested in the fires. Love is unbound by time by earthly matters by our own selfish desires to put it in a package that is attractive to us but for which we never worked for...only God offers free salvation as a gift with His love. The wages of sin are death though. So, you can keep working on death by earning nothing for all your affections or you can accept that there will be pain in your healing and move on without him quietly. Start a new life where he is only appreciated from afar. Distance yourself as he did. Learn from him. You are his mirror. And he is yours. And when that task is completed you will know the completeness he already has. Try to work on yours now. It is your turn. You can do it. You are strong enough to know that life goes on and so does your love. So be at peace now at this time. Mirror him and learn from him this last lesson so that you can know rest and peace and happiness in the context that he does. Perhaps that is why we loved these men in the first place. Because we knew that they would find everything in this life to truly be happy. Its ok to mirror their life and learn from them what we couldnt learn on our own. Maybe that was their gift to us. Not pain. But a glimpse at how to be happy because they have all we ever dreamed of- through hard work too- no doubt! Now try to model their life ( not in a stalkerish way!). I do believe I just figured out my own lesson! Hot damn! Im a genius! Eureka! Good luck, God bless, Ive got to go because I have a lot of dreaming and work to do now that I just figured out my own path. Hope it helped you too Hon! Be good!

[Beachead]

Oh my god I did such a dumb thing and I wish I could take it back. I called him, crying and saying I don’t even know what I was saying. As it was ringing I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. He answered and I just let it all out.

 

I tried posting on here all through the day but it didn’t help. I just had to hear his voice. Seeing him last night really set me back. He was without her and it totally set me off.

 

i cried and poured my heart out to him over the phone and he just kept saying stop it, Madd, we can’t do this. Then he whispered something and I couldn’t hear what it was, so I asked him to say it again but he wouldn’t.

 

Im so embarrassed. I don’t know how I’ll ever look him in the eyes again.

 

Oh Madd_Hatter . No point in beating you up over it now. What's done is done. I think you knew what he was going to say and you needed to hear it from him.

 

For you, I think this is good. Up until now, you never told him the truth and I think the reason behind that was because you knew what he'd say and you knew that fantasy you had in your head would end and you'd have to face a certain future without him. And as we all knew, you didn't want it to end.

 

So I think telling him everything is really you just releasing and accepting because you're at that point where you know you can't continue like this. It's that point we've all gotten to. The lowest.

 

That childhood friend I knew growing up that I crushed on for years..I told her by writing her a 2 page letter of how I felt and why we should be together. Years later, looking back, I knew what she'd say but I just wanted it to be done.

 

Don't beat yourself up.

 

- Beach

[bathtub-row]

Reading the rest of this, the thing that stands out the most to me is that you’ve said several times that you don’t want to get over him. It would be like a form of losing him. I find that odd. I know when I was hurting over a guy, I wanted nothing more than to get past it and make the pain stop.

 

It’s too bad you didn’t go to Greece. I think others have said it but your world is too confined, too small. Travel expands your mind and it’s good to learn there’s a great big world out there.

[Madd_hatter]

I remember Beach saying something about feeling numb.. that’s about where I’m at right now. Shock maybe? Not by him, but shocked at myself. Did I really stoop so low? I called a married man and professed my undying love for him less than a month after he got married? What would our friends say? What would my parents say? What if his wife was around and tells the whole town I’m trying to wreck her marriage? I’m shocked that I knew it was wrong but couldn’t control it.

 

And you’re right, I knew what he’d say exactly. Did hearing it make me feel any better? No, I knew it wouldn’t, so why on earth would I do that? How dumb and out of control have I become? If I could storm out on myself right about now, I totally would.

[losangelena]

What should I look for when seeking professional help? What should I expect? I really don’t feel like it would help.

 

Just want to address this before it gets lost in the pile.

 

In order:

 

Try looking for licensed psychotherapists or clinical therapists. That is probably most of them out there. In your situation with obsessive and intrusive thoughts, I'd also recommend looking for someone who utilizes meditation, breathing techniques, or cognitive behavioral therapy in their practice. Those methods will help you retrain your brain when you start to go down the mental meat grinder. They will also help you learn distraction techniques the next time you're tempted to call him.

 

What should you expect? Frankly, at first you may just feel some relief in getting to confide in someone who's uninvolved in your situation. You may feel some degree of embarrassment in having to be so transparent with another individual. What you will probably not feel is a relief of your misery right away. I have said this before and it bears repeating: dismantling your obsessive thought patterns is a long-term project. You may feel like nothing is happening, or you may have a period of breakthroughs and then a period of regression, or bouts of time where you feel like you're not making any progress. That's par for the course. Ultimately, you need to be able to be fully honest in talk therapy, otherwise you really are wasting your time and your money.

 

**Want to add here that you can "shop around," so to speak for a therapist that you like. Like any other relationship, you need it to be someone you feel comfortable with, and with whom you have some rapport. When you first contact a therapist, they will want to schedule an introductory call (typically free), and from there, you get to decide if that person is "right" for you. Ask yourself in your search if you'd be more comfortable with a man or a woman therapist; if you want someone specifically Christian. Also, look for therapists who offer sliding scales for pay. When I first started going to my last therapist, he offered sliding scale payments because he was not completely licensed, he was still in school, so even on my half-time, $20/hr salary I was able to afford to see him once a week.

 

Finally, I am a strong proponent of therapy, and feel like it does work. Again, it's not a magic bullet; you won't just have a Good Will Hunting, come to jesus moment and feel all better. Your obsessive thought patterns were not solidified in a day, so getting to the bottom of them won't happen overnight. But like anything else, you will get out what you put in. Go in with a desire to heal and the willingness to be brutally honest (with yourself), and I think you'll see transformation.

[Beachead]

I remember Beach saying something about feeling numb.. that’s about where I’m at right now. Shock maybe? Not by him, but shocked at myself. Did I really stoop so low? I called a married man and professed my undying love for him less than a month after he got married? What would our friends say? What would my parents say? What if his wife was around and tells the whole town I’m trying to wreck her marriage? I’m shocked that I knew it was wrong but couldn’t control it.

 

And you’re right, I knew what he’d say exactly. Did hearing it make me feel any better? No, I knew it wouldn’t, so why on earth would I do that? How dumb and out of control have I become? If I could storm out on myself right about now, I totally would.

 

Because you're tired and you wanted it to be over.

 

You're going to want to fix things and it'll lead you to try and engage with him which is going to make you feel worse. Don't.

 

- Beach

Edited October 18, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

Because you're tired and you wanted it to be over.

 

You're going to want to fix things and it'll lead you to try and engage with him which is going to make you feel worse. Don't.

 

- Beach

 

There’s nothing to fix. I didn’t say anything negative to him. I only told him how hurt I am, how much I love him and how he’s the only one I’ve ever loved. How I just want to be around him because I can’t bare the thought of losing him. How much I need him in my life. Just all that idiotic stuff I wish I could take back.

 

He didn’t say a thing except stop, please, we can’t do this.

 

He was whispering, I’m guessing she wasn’t far from him. I don’t know what got into me. I couldve really caused a lot of trouble tonight.

 

Yep, this is what rock bottom looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

 

But.. my pastor did a sermon once, not too long ago about “hitting rock bottom”, the good news is, once you’re there, there’s only one direction left to go.

Edited October 18, 2018 by Madd_hatter

[bathtub-row]

Interesting that he used the phrase “we can’t do this”. Strange choice of words. Well, I think it’s good that you did it because he’s probably going to tiptoe around you now and all casual friendship will be scarce if not completely gone. On the other hand, if he’s harboring feelings for you, he’ll start finding excuses to be around you. I guess time will tell. Regardless of what he does, though, you need to pull yourself out of this mindset you’re in. It’s extremely unhealthy. And for you to say you’ll never love anyone like that again is just you and your inexperience talking. It’s ridiculous to think that it’s all over with at the age of 23.

[LoverOfDance]

Lol, Beachead, she has professed her feelings of love to him before. More than once i think. There was the time he came to her house to get some stuff he had left there and she cried and begged him not to go. Begged him to pick her e.t.c.

 

Hatter, this is not rock bottom. You have no idea how dark this can go.

 

You know what, go ahead and reach out to him. Reach out to him as many times as you want. Feed your addiction, just go for it. Meet with him secretly and even sleep with him if your body desires it. Just give in. Have an affair with him. Let me tell you something you might not know, if you chase him hard enough, he will give in and start an affair with you. I am not joking. It's the truth. If you doubt me, try it and see. Go ahead and have an affair with him.

 

A few years or decades from now, come back to this forum and tell us how your life has been going.

[LoverOfDance]

The fact that you're saying "this is rock bottom" means you haven't reached rock bottom. You honestly have no idea how much worse this can be. You have no idea.

[No_Go]

It is Ok. It really is. Nothing terrible happened, he knew you love him, you didn’t tell him anything new. It will be fine.

 

Just remember, whatever is meant to happen will happen. Nothing changed over the time - it’s really the same old story. He knew you love him. He cheated on the girl he’s with now. That’s how he is. Nothing you, he or her will do will change the course of the story. He is who he is.

 

You dodged a bullet Madd. He’s not a relationship material. His current relationship will not last either and she’ll hurt too. People don’t change

 

Oh my god I did such a dumb thing and I wish I could take it back. I called him, crying and saying I don’t even know what I was saying. As it was ringing I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. He answered and I just let it all out.

 

I tried posting on here all through the day but it didn’t help. I just had to hear his voice. Seeing him last night really set me back. He was without her and it totally set me off.

 

i cried and poured my heart out to him over the phone and he just kept saying stop it, Madd, we can’t do this. Then he whispered something and I couldn’t hear what it was, so I asked him to say it again but he wouldn’t.

 

Im so embarrassed. I don’t know how I’ll ever look him in the eyes again.

[JuneL]

I think you made a huge mistake in attending his wedding and skipping the Greece trip. However, making this phone call to him might be a positive move, as he can’t get away with what he has done to you: He can’t pretend you’re okay and will continue to run errands for him as he pleases, after what he has done to you.

 

Your stubbornness has done enough harm to you already. I hope you won’t let it get in the way of your life further.

[elaine567]

Is this guy really such a bad guy?

He is young, he has had this besotted young woman following him for a decade, is it any surprise it turned sexual one night?

I am sure he is now regretting it every single day...

[LoverOfDance]

I am sure you've all heard the phrase "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is madness". Guys, there is nothing we haven't told maddhatter. We've literally told her everything. Go back and read your posts. You'll see that at this point we are just repeating the same things over and over again.

 

Please leave her be. If you can recommend any good cheap therapists to her, feel free. Aside from that, there's nothing else to say at this point. If you're a Christian, please pray for her and pray for everyone else that might be struggling with this.

[lana-banana]

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard came from here on LS: "this all ends when you say it does." I agree with the others that this isn't rock bottom unless you make it rock bottom. It has the potential to be much, much worse unless you take action today. Reread losangelena's fabulous posts about therapy and change, and commit to good choices for yourself. In the meantime you absolutely have to stay away from this guy and his wife.

[Blanco]

Hopefully this guy doesn't own a rabbit.

 

OP, you really need to pull yourself together. You don't love this man. You're addicted to this man. Addiction is not love. Real love is not complete obsession.

 

You've carried a torch for this guy for 10 years and allowed your fixation on him to fortify over that time. Those obsessive feelings have become part of who you are and that's a big reason why you are struggling so much to let go. Part of your identity as an adult has been a fixation on this man. Accepting that he's married and you two will not be together means slicing away part of who you are. In that sense, you don't want to get past these feelings, even though you now recognize them as unhealthy.

[bathtub-row]

Hopefully this guy doesn't own a rabbit.

 

OP, you really need to pull yourself together. You don't love this man. You're addicted to this man. Addiction is not love. Real love is not complete obsession.

 

You've carried a torch for this guy for 10 years and allowed your fixation on him to fortify over that time. Those obsessive feelings have become part of who you are and that's a big reason why you are struggling so much to let go. Part of your identity as an adult has been a fixation on this man. Accepting that he's married and you two will not be together means slicing away part of who you are. In that sense, you don't want to get past these feelings, even though you now recognize them as unhealthy.

 

She still believes she has a chance with him because he stares at her in church, makes up excuses to see her, uses the term “we” when referring to the situation. She called him in hopes that it’ll change things in her favor. She’s hoping he’ll come for her and have an affair. She says she wouldn’t do that but, at this point, he says frog and she jumps.

[Madd_hatter]

I didn’t think calling him would lead to him leaving his wife for me, or even turn into an affair, I knew what the outcome would be. I just felt like he should know the pain I’m in because he’s the one that caused. He can’t just act like everything’s fine and ask me for favors, or just randomly call or message me about casual things. He can’t just act like it’s fine. He has to know what I’m gling through on the count of him. It’s not fair that I’m dying inside and he’s living his life perfectly happy. I don’t want him to be miserable but I think he should feel guilt about how I feel.

 

I WILL NOT, never in a million years, sleep with a married man. He was only dating her when I did. I would not ever have an affair with a married man. It goes against everything I believe.

 

And he’s not a terrible person. He saw an opportunity for sex and he took it. It doesn’t make him a monster, just a man. I forgive him, I do, I just want him to know how badly I’m hurting.

 

Actually feel a little better since I called him.

 

And yeah, I thought that was strange too, him saying “we” can’t do this. “We”? There is no “we”, why would he say that ?

[No_Go]

Well he IS a terrible person for sleeping with you knowing you love him deeply and it's a life-changing event for you (taking your virginity).

 

He knew you love him all along, he fueled it. Feeling like this do not develop in a vacuum - he knows it, HE made it happen. That's why he's saying 'we' and still following you around. He knows exactly what he did, and trust me, with or without you reminding him, it will haunt him for life.

 

If it makes you feel slightly better, you'd probably be the one to move on faster, the guilt will stay with him for a long time, him admitting it or not.

 

And he’s not a terrible person. He saw an opportunity for sex and he took it. It doesn’t make him a monster, just a man. I forgive him, I do, I just want him to know how badly I’m hurting.

 

Actually feel a little better since I called him.

 

And yeah, I thought that was strange too, him saying “we” can’t do this. “We”? There is no “we”, why would he say that ?