Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[JuneL]

Well he IS a terrible person for sleeping with you knowing you love him deeply and it's a life-changing event for you (taking your virginity).

 

He knew you love him all along, he fueled it. Feeling like this do not develop in a vacuum - he knows it, HE made it happen. That's why he's saying 'we' and still following you around. He knows exactly what he did, and trust me, with or without you reminding him, it will haunt him for life.

 

If it makes you feel slightly better, you'd probably be the one to move on faster, the guilt will stay with him for a long time, him admitting it or not.

 

To be fair to the loser, I think he had no idea that her emotions were so deep and that she was a virgin then. This is not to excuse him from cheating on his then gf on tye verge of proposing. The worst of all was that he pretended nothing had happened and continued to ask her for convenient favors after knowing she lost her virginity to him.

[Madd_hatter]

Well he IS a terrible person for sleeping with you knowing you love him deeply and it's a life-changing event for you (taking your virginity).

 

He knew you love him all along, he fueled it. Feeling like this do not develop in a vacuum - he knows it, HE made it happen. That's why he's saying 'we' and still following you around. He knows exactly what he did, and trust me, with or without you reminding him, it will haunt him for life.

 

If it makes you feel slightly better, you'd probably be the one to move on faster, the guilt will stay with him for a long time, him admitting it or not.

 

Maybe that’s my problem, No_Go, I still don’t see him as a terrible person. But the thing is, he’s not. He did a crap thing, yes, but who hasn’t? He’s a 25 year old man, you mean to tell me he’s the first one to use a girl for sex? It’s wrong, I’m hurt, but I don’t think that one deed makes him a horrible person.

 

What hurts so so so much is the fact that he never once said he’s sorry. That’s what hurts. That’s why I’m a wreck. If he said he was sorry or admitted he did me wrong, maybe I’d start to let go. Even over the phone last night he never really apologized. I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably and all he said was stop and we can’t do this. Even if he would’ve said “I’m sorry you feel this way”, which is the worse apology ever but it’s still better than none at all.

 

Maybe he is a terrible person.

[No_Go]

To be fair to the loser, I think he had no idea that her emotions were so deep and that she was a virgin then -Oh June, trust me he DID know. He knew her for 10 years, she doesn't need to tattoo it on her forehead for him to know. She was a teenager, at that age feelings are obvious from an airplane, plus in a small religious community everyone is in everyone's business, so her virginity was hardly a secret either...

 

The thing with pretending that nothing happened is a coping mechanism, if I have time I'll dig for the exact term, but I think in psychology they refer to it as 'dissociating' (he knew he betrayed his gf and terribly hurt OP, but he just can't take it thinking of himself as a bad dude so he is 'dissociating' from the situation...

 

 

To be fair to the loser, I think he had no idea that her emotions were so deep and that she was a virgin then. This is not to excuse him from cheating on his then gf on tye verge of proposing. The worst of all was that he pretended nothing had happened and continued to ask her for convenient favors after knowing she lost her virginity to him.

[JuneL]

Maybe that’s my problem, No_Go, I still don’t see him as a terrible person. But the thing is, he’s not. He did a crap thing, yes, but who hasn’t? He’s a 25 year old man, you mean to tell me he’s the first one to use a girl for sex? It’s wrong, I’m hurt, but I don’t think that one deed makes him a horrible person.

 

What hurts so so so much is the fact that he never once said he’s sorry. That’s what hurts. That’s why I’m a wreck. If he said he was sorry or admitted he did me wrong, maybe I’d start to let go. Even over the phone last night he never really apologized. I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably and all he said was stop and we can’t do this. Even if he would’ve said “I’m sorry you feel this way”, which is the worse apology ever but it’s still better than none at all.

 

Maybe he is a terrible person.

 

You said it well in your second paragraph yourself.

[No_Go]

It's not that much about having sex per se - it is about using someone ***vulnerable*** (yes you were, becasue of your feelings to him, for which he was and is acutely aware). If he had sex with a stranger - it will still be horrible but then I'd buy the 25 old tempted man story. Here is pure sociopathy.

 

What hurts so so so much is the fact that he never once said he’s sorry. - He can't. He can't admit to himself what a hienous thing he has done. THat's why I told you, him admitting it openly or not, is probably more affected and damaged from the whole situation than you are. Guilt is a slow poison. You don't need him saying it... it is there.

 

 

Maybe that’s my problem, No_Go, I still don’t see him as a terrible person. But the thing is, he’s not. He did a crap thing, yes, but who hasn’t? He’s a 25 year old man, you mean to tell me he’s the first one to use a girl for sex? It’s wrong, I’m hurt, but I don’t think that one deed makes him a horrible person.

 

What hurts so so so much is the fact that he never once said he’s sorry. That’s what hurts. That’s why I’m a wreck. If he said he was sorry or admitted he did me wrong, maybe I’d start to let go. Even over the phone last night he never really apologized. I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably and all he said was stop and we can’t do this. Even if he would’ve said “I’m sorry you feel this way”, which is the worse apology ever but it’s still better than none at all.

 

Maybe he is a terrible person.

[JuneL]

You know what, I have another thought. If this loser is as out of your league as you made him out to be, he would have had no short supply of hot girls for him to practice on, instead of hurting his good friend.

[Madd_hatter]

It's not that much about having sex per se - it is about using someone ***vulnerable*** (yes you were, becasue of your feelings to him, for which he was and is acutely aware). If he had sex with a stranger - it will still be horrible but then I'd buy the 25 old tempted man story. Here is pure sociopathy.

 

What hurts so so so much is the fact that he never once said he’s sorry. - He can't. He can't admit to himself what a hienous thing he has done. THat's why I told you, him admitting it openly or not, is probably more affected and damaged from the whole situation than you are. Guilt is a slow poison. You don't need him saying it... it is there.

 

That’s all I want. I want him to know how badly I feel right now and how my confidence and self-esteem are down to 0. I want him to know that he caused that. I didn’t want to just brush it off and look like I’m living my best life, I wanted him to know he took that from me.

 

New feelings are starting to form inside of me. Anger. I’m angry, not that he used me, but for not feeling remorse. You don’t do that to someone who loves you, who’d give her right arm and maybe even her leg to be near you. I was willing to give him my everything but he felt the need to rip it from my chest and trample it under his feet. I’m not angry that he doesn’t love me like I love him, I’m angry that he pretended to care about me just to keep me around because he felt good having someone hanging on his every word.

[Madd_hatter]

You know what, I have another thought. If this loser is as out of your league as you made him out to be, he would have had no short supply of hot girls for him to practice on, instead of hurting his good friend.

 

He didn’t date much at all. He says it’s for religious reasons.

[JuneL]

He didn’t date much at all. He says it’s for religious reasons.

 

How many of your non-religious friends (if you have any) have done such a heinous thing to their good friends?

[JuneL]

That’s all I want. I want him to know how badly I feel right now and how my confidence and self-esteem are down to 0. I want him to know that he caused that. I didn’t want to just brush it off and look like I’m living my best life, I wanted him to know he took that from me.

 

New feelings are starting to form inside of me. Anger. I’m angry, not that he used me, but for not feeling remorse. You don’t do that to someone who loves you, who’d give her right arm and maybe even her leg to be near you. I was willing to give him my everything but he felt the need to rip it from my chest and trample it under his feet. I’m not angry that he doesn’t love me like I love him, I’m angry that he pretended to care about me just to keep me around because he felt good having someone hanging on his every word.

 

I think your getting angry is the first step in the right direction.

[Madd_hatter]

How many of your non-religious friends (if you have any) have done such a heinous thing to their good friends?

 

None that I’m aware of, but it was consensual. He didn’t force himself on me. It was my choice. He kissed me but I did kiss back. We weren’t drunk or anything like that. We were both fully willing to do it.

[elaine567]

You were in essence an orbiter, hanging around in case you got lucky.

Most people do not get that attached to orbiters - they love what they do for them and how they boost their ego but actual feelings usually no.

You sound a bit like me when I was really young with your "I want him to know and feel how hurt I am, I want him to be sorry", but with experience I learned that it is usually just the "in love" and "heartbroken" person that really cares, the other is usually "over it", or never really cared that much in the first place.

 

"J"s main concern now I guess is deciding if he is going to live his life with you as a loose cannon about to spill the beans at any moment or if he will just come clean and tell his wife everything.

Your "hurt" is probably way down the list of his priorities atm.

 

You need to snap out of this.

[No_Go]

"J"s main concern now I guess is deciding if he is going to live his life with you as a loose cannon about to spill the beans at any moment or if he will just come clean and tell his wife everything.

 

Ha that's very true ^.

 

Imagine how a 'confession' conversation is going to go, especially for religious people that likely oppose any form of sexual activity out of marriage (the fact OP said he didn't date and the speedy marriage confirm that)... It will be over before it started And if he keeps silent, he'll live in fear for the rest of his life.

 

The more I think, "J" is in a infinitely worse situation than OP, and for her there is light in the end of the tunnel. Not so much for him ......

[No_Go]

He didn’t date much at all. He says it’s for religious reasons.

 

Does this mean he was a virgin too in the night with you?

[JuneL]

Ha that's very true ^.

 

Imagine how a 'confession' conversation is going to go, especially for religious people that likely oppose any form of sexual activity out of marriage (the fact OP said he didn't date and the speedy marriage confirm that)... It will be over before it started And if he keeps silent, he'll live in fear for the rest of his life.

 

The more I think, "J" is in a infinitely worse situation than OP, and for her there is light in the end of the tunnel. Not so much for him ......

 

His new bride will most likely tolerate him, as divorce is the worse stigma for them.

[JuneL]

Does this mean he was a virgin too in the night with you?

 

Not unlikely. That’s why he needed to practice.

[No_Go]

His new bride will most likely tolerate him, as divorce is the worse stigma for them.

 

Yeah, probably true, she'd feel like a sinner even though it's his fault She's in the worst situation actually, tied to a guy she barely even knows (they met under an year ago according to posts), and has already managed to cheat on her.....

[stillafool]

I think it would do you good to find a job in another state and move away.

[losangelena]

I didn’t think calling him would lead to him leaving his wife for me, or even turn into an affair, I knew what the outcome would be. I just felt like he should know the pain I’m in because he’s the one that caused. He can’t just act like everything’s fine and ask me for favors, or just randomly call or message me about casual things. He can’t just act like it’s fine. He has to know what I’m gling through on the count of him. It’s not fair that I’m dying inside and he’s living his life perfectly happy. I don’t want him to be miserable but I think he should feel guilt about how I feel.

 

I'm glad you're getting pissed, but I have to argue against this. You are responsible for your own feelings. There is a version of all this where you'd have been able to process what happened, understand/admit that your "love" for him is actually obsessiveness, and move on. The fact that you're having breakdowns and crying in the middle of the street is actually not his fault.

 

But yes, definitely get mad. I agree, that's a step you desperately need.

[Madd_hatter]

Yeah, probably true, she'd feel like a sinner even though it's his fault She's in the worst situation actually, tied to a guy she barely even knows (they met under an year ago according to posts), and has already managed to cheat on her.....

 

A little over a year, actually.

 

 

And He wasn’t a virgin. He had a girlfriend from the time he was 17 until he was 23. I don’t think he was a virgin although I would never ask him.

[JuneL]

Yeah, probably true, she'd feel like a sinner even though it's his fault She's in the worst situation actually, tied to a guy she barely even knows (they met under an year ago according to posts), and has already managed to cheat on her.....

 

But then, he will forever be the cheater in her heart, instead of this religious and perfect husband.

 

OP has confided in a couple of close friends, who will confide in people they trust. Sooner or later, the whole church circle will know.

[No_Go]

A little over a year, actually.

 

 

And He wasn’t a virgin. He had a girlfriend from the time he was 17 until he was 23. I don’t think he was a virgin although I would never ask him.

 

Do you know why he ended such a long relationship? Were you close to him back then?

[No_Go]

But then, he will forever be the cheater in her heart, instead of this religious and perfect husband.

 

OP has confided in a couple of close friends, who will confide in people they trust. Sooner or later, the whole church circle will know.

 

Yeah, it is actually terrible to the new bride, it's not a question if she'll know, the only question is when "J" royally screwed their relationship before it launched...

[Beachead]

You're getting angry OP. About time.

 

Only problem I can see right now is you're trying to hold back and you shouldn't. Let it out. Doesn't matter if its irrational or not. It needs to be expressed in its entirety. You need to see what it is that's inside you so that you can understand how to sort through it.

 

- Beach

[JuneL]

Yeah, it is actually terrible to the new bride, it's not a question if she'll know, the only question is when "J" royally screwed their relationship before it launched...

 

I bet some church members are already gossiping behind their back. People are more receptive than we want to admit.