Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[JuneL]

Like anything else, the quality of healthcare professionals varies a lot, so it’s important to choose wisely and get a second/third opinion for serious matters.

 

It’s good that the OP has people whom she trusts enough to confide in. But they may get tired of her complaints soon, and they may not know techniques (e.g., CBT) to help her get over her obsessive thoughts.

 

<snip>

 

FWIW I have NO faith in 'professionals'. This is probably because my ex-wife who I've known for 35 years is a chronic depressive. She has been in constant psychotherapy for most of that time and almost always on meds. Nevertheless she has, if anything, 'gotten worse'. Traumatic events in her life, including the deaths of loved ones have had greater impact than any of the 'professional help'.

 

<snip>

Edited October 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[stillafool]

Definitely take your sister's advice and seek professional help.

[Beachead]

MH,

 

If I were you at this point, I'd check out other people's experiences on here. You'll be surprised to learn how many struggle just like you. It'll give you some perspective. Perspective that will you understand your own situation and your own self better. I'd even participate in some of those threads. Even if you don't have any advice to give, those in pain feel better when they know they're not alone. That's something you can offer. I know its probably helped you here and I know its helped myself during my difficult times.

 

I'd take a week off of this thread and use the time to research and find that awesome therapist that'll help you get back on your feet. You can confide in your sister and friends. Also try some writing. No_Go wrote an post on the good things that have come out of this experience. I think that's an excellent journal entry for you. Something you can have to read when you need motivation.

 

All the advice you need is here for you. Now its just a matter of beginning to apply this advice to your day to day. You're still going to feel like crap but push a little bit through it..make a little bit of progress..baby steps. Then drop on your bed and exhale and let the pain out. Then get back up and do it again. To heal effectively is both allowing yourself to feel the pain and not give up on yourself. Consider this the "Not giving up on yourself" part.

 

Beat the sh*t out of those demons yea?

 

And at the end of the week, come back here and let us know how you feel so far.

 

Everyone is pulling for you to recover.

 

- Beach

Edited October 19, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I still don’t feel anything. It’s strange for me. The pain is completely gone. I’ve never, in all the years I’ve known him, felt this way. Like he’s just a person. I don’t feel like I’d give one of my limbs to just talk to him. I don’t feel desperation anymore. He’s married and I’m ok. I’m still alive. I’m not sick.

 

How can it be that I went from one extreme to the other?

 

I don’t feel one ounce of what I felt just 2 days ago. I mean, I’m not even sure that what I felt really was love in the first place. I think I just loved the idea of him. I loved the story I could’ve had. But it wasn’t real.

 

I’m so thankful that God and you guys helped open my eyes.

[Blanco]

Again, it's highly unlikely this feeling of indifference toward the situation is permanent. Do not beat up yourself when those feelings swing back to despair.

[preraph]

I still don’t feel anything. It’s strange for me. The pain is completely gone. I’ve never, in all the years I’ve known him, felt this way. Like he’s just a person. I don’t feel like I’d give one of my limbs to just talk to him. I don’t feel desperation anymore. He’s married and I’m ok. I’m still alive. I’m not sick.

 

How can it be that I went from one extreme to the other?

 

I don’t feel one ounce of what I felt just 2 days ago. I mean, I’m not even sure that what I felt really was love in the first place. I think I just loved the idea of him. I loved the story I could’ve had. But it wasn’t real.

 

I’m so thankful that God and you guys helped open my eyes.

 

You were in love with who you hoped he would turn out to be. That love comes from within yourself, and most people can't measure up to it. You hae to learn to really see a person for who he is and just let them show you who they are and what they're made of and what they're willing to do without being prodded to fall for the real person. You can't project what you wish them to be onto them and get anywhere. The good news is since that love is inside you, you get to take it with you anytime you leave and save it for someone who has shown you over time they're made of good stuff and really care.

[lovely81]

I do feel all my crazy, obsessive loves leave in one instant after months or years of struggle. I hope this is really it for you, OP. Life without obsession is awesome.

[starlight8]

Not many people understand the intensity of your feelings. I think that very few ppl experience this in their life time. I don't know how to define these feelings but i can say for damn sure that this is NOT love. Love would never do this to you. These feelings are so intense that you feel like you might explode. Love is calm, love is peaceful. Love is warm and feels like a very soft pillow. What you're feeling is hard, rough and chaotic.

 

Maybe it's obsession. I don't know how to define it but it is definitely not love.

 

Come here to vent whenever you want. Don't be hard on yourself. Continue to give yourself time. I believe you will get through this. You might not know how or when but you will.

 

 

What it is, is: textbook anxious attachment style. What was your upbringing like? Were you allowed to freely express emotion and not have to take care of your parents?

 

You feel it is so real, and you stomp your feet and try desperately to JUST MAKE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND, IF ONLY THEY WOULD GET IT, IF ONLY 'HE' WOULD GET IT...

 

...And all of these words are actually just that hurt inner child seeking validation and approval. The 'love' you think you feel for him is called a 'trauma bond' and actually has nothing whatsoever to do with love. It doesn't even resemble it in the slightest. It's a poor impersonation, a fake that is heralded in movies and celebrities and in the media and in books which only gives it further legitimacy in the eyes of those that suffer from it.

 

It's really sad, I had a friend who was possibly the most anxiously-attached person I ever met in my life. God help everyone around her every time she met the latest guy to which she would develop fantasies over, trauma bond with, then he would disappear and it would be months if not years of her speaking exactly as the OP does, before finally, as someone else on here mentioned, she would be emotionally fried and it would dull down. Until the next one came to trigger it. And it is always the same type of guy, just in a different shell. The type of guy that this guy sounds exactly like.

 

A fake, a liar, a cheater, and 'if only he could just see...' or 'it's not his fault that he slipped up, he's only human'. NO. He knows EXACTLY the drill.

 

Anxious attachment is horrible, I really do feel for people who suffer from it. I've been told by a counsellor I have an ambivalent attachment, which is a mix of anxious and avoidant....the times I'm in anxious mode, I could definitely pass for the OP but 'luckily' the avoidant bit 'saves' me from getting in too deep. (It's not actually a positive thing at all, just means I have twice the amount of issues!)

[JuneL]

I like starlight8’s post. I was debating whether to post this, but people who have this level of obsession for someone who has never had feelings for you usually grew up without the kind of healthy love from family. OP: How is your relationship with your parents?

[Madd_hatter]

My relationship with my parents was always good, I think. They have a loving relationship, always have. They’ve been in love and married for 35 years. They raised us well, my brother sister and myself. They’d give their last to make sure we were happy. Spoiled us, if anything. We weren’t that well to do, but us kids never knew because they’d always make sure we had whatever we needed and wanted.

 

We were always shown love, always taught good morals, typical church kids I guess you could say.

 

I don’t ever remember asking them for something that I didn’t get. They’d go out of their way to make us happy. Even til this day.

[starlight8]

Heart is full of pain tonight. Maybe more than ever before. I feel like whatever I do is wrong. I feel like the people I trust the most always end up hurting me. I feel like a complete failure. I feel totally discouraged and unmotivated. I’ve cried so much my eyes are swollen and feel raw. My stomach feels so sick and empty. I can’t sleep.

 

I miss him so much it’s hard to breathe. I keep imagining them in bed together right now. Probably in each other’s arms. More than likely just finished making love. The thought makes me wince but I can’t get it out of my head.

 

 

@juneL: the line in bold is very revelatory. 'People' - i.e. pleural, 'I trust the most' - i.e. closest to her, 'always' - i.e. habitual, pattern, consistent = more than one person in her life has shown her distorted, skewed versions of concepts which should be based on love (i.e. family, friendship, relationships).

Edited October 20, 2018 by starlight8

[Beachead]

I still don’t feel anything. It’s strange for me. The pain is completely gone. I’ve never, in all the years I’ve known him, felt this way. Like he’s just a person. I don’t feel like I’d give one of my limbs to just talk to him. I don’t feel desperation anymore. He’s married and I’m ok. I’m still alive. I’m not sick.

 

How can it be that I went from one extreme to the other?

 

I don’t feel one ounce of what I felt just 2 days ago. I mean, I’m not even sure that what I felt really was love in the first place. I think I just loved the idea of him. I loved the story I could’ve had. But it wasn’t real.

 

I’m so thankful that God and you guys helped open my eyes.

 

I'm glad to see some change but just remember you're going to be going through a rollercoaster of ups and downs of feeling anger, sadness and nothing at all. It won't mean you're getting worse. It's just symptoms of your mind processing everything that went down..doing what it needs to do. Be aware of it so you can understand when it happens be better prepared to handle it. And while it does that, you continue to do what you need to do. Do well in your job, book a trip out of town, spend time with friends etc.

 

- Beach

Edited October 21, 2018 by Beachead

[preraph]

My relationship with my parents was always good, I think. They have a loving relationship, always have. They’ve been in love and married for 35 years. They raised us well, my brother sister and myself. They’d give their last to make sure we were happy. Spoiled us, if anything. We weren’t that well to do, but us kids never knew because they’d always make sure we had whatever we needed and wanted.

 

We were always shown love, always taught good morals, typical church kids I guess you could say.

 

I don’t ever remember asking them for something that I didn’t get. They’d go out of their way to make us happy. Even til this day.

 

That bolded part may be the root of your problem. They didn't teach you that you can't have everything you want. It's a common problem today. It causes entitlement. People are not toys. They have their own brains and preferences.

[Madd_hatter]

Update:

 

I’m still good. Surprising, I ran into him again last night. A bunch of us were at a concert and him and his wife were there. We hung out in the bunch and after, we all went for pizza.

 

Still fine. I’m still very attracted to him but I’m so much better. I don’t know how, but I feel like a weight had been lifted off of me. I feel like a complete different person. I sleep better. I feel energized and excited about things I love again.

 

I’m doing great. I’m in such a better place with myself.

[No_Go]

That's great news Madd!

 

I felt similarly when I started getting over my first great love. It is funny it is like a switch - even when he got divorced later, for some reason I felt nothing...

 

Now is your best time - you're getting your momentum back, enjoy it.

 

Update:

 

I’m still good. Surprising, I ran into him again last night. A bunch of us were at a concert and him and his wife were there. We hung out in the bunch and after, we all went for pizza.

 

Still fine. I’m still very attracted to him but I’m so much better. I don’t know how, but I feel like a weight had been lifted off of me. I feel like a complete different person. I sleep better. I feel energized and excited about things I love again.

 

I’m doing great. I’m in such a better place with myself.

[Madd_hatter]

Big set back again.

 

It’s been about 10 days that I haven’t seen him, not even in church. I haven’t attended any services. I saw him at the concert and after for pizza and that was the last time. I Haven’t spoken to him or even checked any social media accounts at all.

 

Why in the world have I been thinking of him non freaking stop?! I miss him like crazy and I swear I haven’t stopped thinking about him for one second. Feeling really lousy again. I’m back in the mood where I don’t want to do anything. I feel so sluggish and depressed. I literally don’t want to do anything.

 

I don’t want to be home but I don’t want to be out. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t feel like dealing with anyone. I just want him.

 

I honestly felt these feelings were gone. Oh my god I want to be with him tonight so so badly. I don’t believe anyone could really know how much I miss him.

[bathtub-row]

It's a roller coaster ride, not a straight line. I'm sorry you're going through this. You've had some good days and you'll have more and more of those until this finally doesn't hurt anymore.

 

You simply cannot have this guy. I know you don't want to hear that but he's with someone else. It doesn't matter how he does or doesn't feel about you. Many of us have been where you are. You're not the only person who has loved someone deeply, who thought they wouldn't survive it. But we're living proof that you do go on and thrive. Just hold on to that when you lose hope.

[lana-banana]

So sorry to hear you're having a bad evening. As we've said, it's part of the road to recovery. There will be plenty of bad days, but if you really commit to healing the bad days will eventually be outnumbered by the good.

 

The key to that, of course, is committing. You aren't going to get any better if you stay fixated on your feelings of longing and obsession. Contrary to what you think, there are many people here who know what it's like to desperately want someone they can't have. It doesn't matter how much you want this guy or how much you miss him. He's not yours to have.

 

In dialectical behavioral therapy they teach patients to cope with intensely emotional feelings or thoughts by distracting themselves---finding another activity, calling a friend, playing a game, etc. It sounds trite but in the moment you need to get your mind out of that rut; it keeps you from hurting more, it breaks the obsessive pattern, and it prevents you from acting out (like calling or texting or worse). Can you make an action plan for what you'll do the next time your mind goes that way?

[No_Go]

I honestly felt these feelings were gone. Oh my god I want to be with him tonight so so badly. I don’t believe anyone could really know how much I miss him.

 

MADD... don’t think of it as a setback. You should be feeling lucky and privileged to be able to experience strong and lasting emotions. Many people would never know what this means ... Be happy to be red blooded wholesome woman that is able to truly love.

 

Now, ignore the PC statements and state the facts:

1) You’re not seeing him by choice - nobody but you stops you from going to church

2) There is nothing new in the situation - he had a partner for much longer before and your friendship survived, his current one is a relatively short relationship (~1 year), whereas he was with a woman for 5!! And you both survived;)

3) You are young and life will throw so many challenges and twists Don’t pity this transient moment, enjoy it (bad emotions are still emotions -cherish them)

 

Again, been there done that.10 years later... Guy is beautifully single after divorcing wifey N1 and the N2 who birthed his two kids... And now to me is just fun to laugh and think how I was crying on the bathroom floor back then and don’t want to even interact except for work nowadays;)

 

Roles will twist, wait and see In the meanwhile - appreciate you’re emotionally ALIVE - not many can say the same!

[Timshel]

OP, there is no need to boost yourself by hoping to someday gloat. It's best to engage yourself in activities that you enjoy and commit to your own life than wish ill on others to feel better about yourself.

 

 

Stay busy and set goals for your self. Volunteer, go back to school, work harder at work to surpass your own expectations. Exercise, push your own physical limits...go to bed tired. Meditate and as you are religious, pray.

Time is your friend and the amount of pride you will eventually feel for overcoming this addiction will boost your own self confidence in ways that are immeasurable. You know that this obsession is not productive to a life that you want for yourself. This is not what you want but like a junkie, this obsessive behavior is what you have become accustomed.

 

 

 

Getting free of this will not be easy but it is the only path to the life you want. The effort of taking the high road will reap rewards.

 

 

 

Post here when you feel weak, as said, lots of people here have had similar challenges and will help you stay on path.

 

 

The only alternative is to give in to your obsession and continue to hurt yourself and others. That is the only outcome of holding on to this relationship. You already know this.

[stillafool]

 

Why in the world have I been thinking of him non freaking stop?! I miss him like crazy and I swear I haven’t stopped thinking about him for one second. Feeling really lousy again. I’m back in the mood where I don’t want to do anything. I feel so sluggish and depressed. I literally don’t want to do anything.

 

 

Have you taken your sister's advice and made an appointment for therapy yet?

[FMW]

As others have posted, this is normal. Painful, but normal.

 

Keep that in mind the next time you're feeling more "ok" about it, just be aware that you'll probably fall back down into despair from time to time. Being aware of that can help it not feel so hopeless when it happens. But it really does get better, it will just take that dreaded word - time.

[preraph]

I know exactly what happened. Going to breakfast with them after you cried to him gave you hope that he was re-engaging with you and incorporating you into his life.

 

You need to stop going to his church, you need to block every communication with him so you don't make something out of nothing, and you need to do the online therapy so you can move on. I'm disappointed that you're still hoping to get in the middle of this marriage and keep him around on some level.

[JuneL]

 

Again, been there done that.10 years later... Guy is beautifully single after divorcing wifey N1 and the N2 who birthed his two kids... And now to me is just fun to laugh and think how I was crying on the bathroom floor back then and don’t want to even interact except for work nowadays;)

 

 

When you’re truly over someone, you’re indifferent to that person. You don’t laugh because he has had two failed marriages and is now single. You couldn’t care less whether he has remained single for the rest of his life or whether he has been married and divorced 5 times. His personal life becomes irrelevant to you.

[losangelena]

Yeah, this is going to go on for a while, I’m afraid. Let me repeat what I and others have said before—there is no magic bullet cure for what you’re experiencing. Get into counseling. Don’t wait.