Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Beachead]

Well he’s definitely not gay. Not sure if I’d say he was an orbiter.. I think I would have fallen more into that category. I mean, it’s not liked I’d chase him, he would call for me, but I guess he saw me more like a sister than anything else.

 

It’s sad to think that the kisses that meant so much to me, that I’d go home and think of for hours and hours on end, were not more than him just experimenting on me. That is a whole new kind of pain.

 

Even the sex, I knew he had a gf, I knew in my heart it was only sex. I mean, it was out of this world and it made me even more crazy for him, but the kisses were so much more special. It hurts so bad that everything I thought was special was just him getting experience for other girls.

 

My heart is in a thousand pieces.

 

OP, just live your life. That's it. That's the medicine. That life you live will push the pain out of your system through the new people you meet, the new memories you make, the new experiences and challenges you have. Little by little, it'll hurt less an less but you have to keep living your life. Protect your heart for awhile and don't date anyone. You'll know when you're ready for something new when start feeling things for someone new. You can't see that right now but it'll happen.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Beachead

[preraph]

I'm a fairly cynical guy when it comes to relationships. Not because I don't like the idea of them, but because there are so many low-quality ones surrounding most of us. People, quite frankly, are kind of bad at relationships.

 

Nevertheless, I've never let a chance pass to develop a relationship with someone who I recognized as being worthwhile the potential pratfalls that come with entering a relationship.

 

In short, I agree: This guy wouldn't have let a decade pass without a definitive "I want this" action if he had felt romantically inclined toward the OP.

 

Yeah. He had 10 years to date her or be her boyfriend and he knew she wanted him, and he passed. I still think the kissing and last-minute sex was him just practicing on her. This is a religious inexperienced crowd we're talking about here. Otherwise, he just thought of her as a buddy and was friends with the family so he kept running into her. He never opted to date or pursue her.

 

I guess it's an awful hard lesson to learn, but you don't ever wait 10 years for someone to change their mind and suddenly take a real interest in you. And especially when you know they're with other women so that it's not just that they aren't interested in romance in general. He had other girlfriends. He was perfectly able to ask for a date and be her boyfriend and knew she was always willing and available because she told him. He said, Nah.

[losangelena]

OP, just live your life. That's it. That's the medicine. That life you live will push the pain out of your system through the new people you meet, the new memories you make, the new experiences and challenges you have. Little by little, it'll hurt less an less but you have to keep living your life. Protect your heart for awhile and don't date anyone. You'll know when you're ready for something new when start feeling things for someone new. You can't see that right now but it'll happen.

 

I agree heartily with this. I didn’t get fully over my bad relationship until I went to grad school. Immersing myself fully in something else really made a difference. You probably are not going to move on from him if you don’t find something new to stimulate your mind.

[LoverOfDance]

@Losangelena and beachhead - the whole staying busy thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone. The thing is that, no matter how busy you are during the day, you still have to come back to your quiet room/bed where the tormenting thoughts are just patiently waiting to haunt your mind until you fall asleep. Even after you fall asleep, your dreams may also be haunted too.

 

I am a professional dancer and dance teacher and while i was going through my heartbreak, i was training everyday AND going to school/university. I was extremely busy yet it still took me 5 or 6 years to move on.

 

Nobody helped me move on from my heartbreak. No passion, hobby or work helped either. Being a christian, i prayed everyday for the strength to move on. One day while i was laying in bed, it just happened. I said to myself - "no one deserves to go through this. Absolutely no one". I believe that it was God who gave me the strength to pull myself out of that abyss.

 

It has to happen inside you. When it happens, it will be a very private, personal and profound thing. Also, no one will ever know how much strength it took you to get through this and you will carry that new found strength with you forever.

 

Be patient Op. You will overcome.

[starlight8]

@Losangelena and beachhead - the whole staying busy thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone. The thing is that, no matter how busy you are during the day, you still have to come back to your quiet room/bed where the tormenting thoughts are just patiently waiting to haunt your mind until you fall asleep. Even after you fall asleep, your dreams may also be haunted too.

 

I am a professional dancer and dance teacher and while i was going through my heartbreak, i was training everyday AND going to school/university. I was extremely busy yet it still took me 5 or 6 years to move on.

 

Nobody helped me move on from my heartbreak. No passion, hobby or work helped either. Being a christian, i prayed everyday for the strength to move on. One day while i was laying in bed, it just happened. I said to myself - "no one deserves to go through this. Absolutely no one". I believe that it was God who gave me the strength to pull myself out of that abyss.

 

It has to happen inside you. When it happens, it will be a very private, personal and profound thing. Also, no one will ever know how much strength it took you to get through this and you will carry that new found strength with you forever.

 

Be patient Op. You will overcome.

 

 

I disagree. Beached's advice is 100% spot on.

He is not implying she should distract herself or just add more to a cluttered mind to cover up the painful stuff.

It sounds like that's what you did. Getting on with things and striving for new experiences to aid growth and happiness is not the same thing as distraction. What you did sounds like you badly just wanted to be rid of your feelings and keeping busy was your initial modus operandi. The reasons it was coming up in your dreams is that you weren't allowing yourself to process your emotions whilst you were awake. Your brain then threw them up in your dreams because they had nowhere else to go, and you couldn't be in control of that, so they couldn't be shut down. Emotions need processing before the mind will completely heal from them.

 

....which brings us back to the conclusion that countless others have said: therapy. We wouldn't keep harpering on about it if the OP showed signs of processing and progressing by herself; there are people who have an emotionally sound foundation that when bad things happen, can go through the unpleasant processing bit by themselves. This does not appear to be the case.

 

Not only does she not seem to be processing her own emotions and experiences (because she keeps feeding herself this nonsense narrative of undying, pure love which is actually, obsession) but she is also living the same hum drum life within this sheltered community where the object of her desires is a part of.

This is where beached was spot on. There comes a time where expanding your horizons is a very good, healthy thing to do.

[starlight8]

OP, just live your life. That's it. That's the medicine. That life you live will push the pain out of your system through the new people you meet, the new memories you make, the new experiences and challenges you have. Little by little, it'll hurt less an less but you have to keep living your life. Protect your heart for awhile and don't date anyone. You'll know when you're ready for something new when start feeling things for someone new. You can't see that right now but it'll happen.

 

Your input is always soooo amazing. Someone needs to collate all the posts you make and put them together in a little book that people could easily refer to when some wisdom is needed

[losangelena]

@Losangelena and beachhead - the whole staying busy thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone. The thing is that, no matter how busy you are during the day, you still have to come back to your quiet room/bed where the tormenting thoughts are just patiently waiting to haunt your mind until you fall asleep. Even after you fall asleep, your dreams may also be haunted too.

 

I am a professional dancer and dance teacher and while i was going through my heartbreak, i was training everyday AND going to school/university. I was extremely busy yet it still took me 5 or 6 years to move on.

 

Nobody helped me move on from my heartbreak. No passion, hobby or work helped either. Being a christian, i prayed everyday for the strength to move on. One day while i was laying in bed, it just happened. I said to myself - "no one deserves to go through this. Absolutely no one". I believe that it was God who gave me the strength to pull myself out of that abyss.

 

It has to happen inside you. When it happens, it will be a very private, personal and profound thing. Also, no one will ever know how much strength it took you to get through this and you will carry that new found strength with you forever.

 

Be patient Op. You will overcome.

 

I agree with starlight, and have to say you managed to come off quite condescending in your post, though not intentionally, I’m sure.

 

I’ve written quite a bit on this thread about the similar relationship I had to the one OP is struggling to process. It was shorter, two years or so all-told, but the thoughts lingered for a long time, four years or so, I’d guess. For me, it never mattered how busy I was during the day, I missed a lot of what was happening because I was so distracted by thoughts of him.

 

I’ve told OP before that the process is gradual, and for me it was, too. I was much better, mentally, by the time I started school, but it was my efforts at school that really solidified the turn away from my old toxic relationship. I maybe thought about it whistfully before, but having the experience of going to school helped me be able to see that I could live a different kind of life, and that I was good at something that didn’t involve him at all, and that something else could give my life meaning and it was in a healthy way.

 

That’s what I was driving at.

 

Incidentally, I think it can work both ways—it’s not just one or the other. Years after this, probably because I never sought mental health care in the wake of this relationship, I suffered from pretty major health anxiety. It was during my fourth visit to the ER in about six months (my liver was “failing”) that I remember having a distinct moment of thinking, “I’m done doing this.” All of a sudden, spending my life terrified that I had some disease felt like it wasn’t a good use of my time, and I just stopped. I still had panic attacks on occasion, but I stopped running to the doctor/hospital all the time.

 

So, you never know which method will work for you. Regardless, there’s a lot OP has done, and can continue to do for herself to move towards recovery.

[LoverOfDance]

Ok, first of all, during my own struggles, i barely dreamt about the man i was trying to get over. I speak about haunted dreams because i find that a lot of people dealing with a similar situation tend to dream about the object of their desire. Also, yes, when i first experienced my heartbreak, i did try to keep busy but then after a while, i wasn't TRYING, i was just busy. I stayed busy because i loved dance, dance wasn't a distraction for me, it IS my passion. I went to school because i wanted to. So at the end of the day, I was busy because of life and not because i was trying to get over someone.

 

I think that some of you don't seem to understand that not everyone has the opportunity to just pick up their lives and move somewhere else. There are different things that hinder you from moving somewhere else - your career, means of living e.t.c.

 

Also, If you ask me, GOOD, truly HELPFUL and cheap therapy is also not easy to find. I had a problem finding helpful AND cheap therapy when i was dealing with my own struggles.

 

Op, if you have the opportunity to move to somewhere else, please do so. I would have done so if i had the opportunity.

[starlight8]

Ok, first of all, during my own struggles, i barely dreamt about the man i was trying to get over. I speak about haunted dreams because i find that a lot of people dealing with a similar situation tend to dream about the object of their desire. Also, yes, when i first experienced my heartbreak, i did try to keep busy but then after a while, i wasn't TRYING, i was just busy. I stayed busy because i loved dance, dance wasn't a distraction for me, it IS my passion. I went to school because i wanted to. So at the end of the day, I was busy because of life and not because i was trying to get over someone.

 

I think that some of you don't seem to understand that not everyone has the opportunity to just pick up their lives and move somewhere else. There are different things that hinder you from moving somewhere else - your career, means of living e.t.c.

 

Also, If you ask me, GOOD, truly HELPFUL and cheap therapy is also not easy to find. I had a problem finding helpful AND cheap therapy when i was dealing with my own struggles.

 

Op, if you have the opportunity to move to somewhere else, please do so. I would have done so if i had the opportunity.

 

Thing is, nowhere has the OP raised reasonable objections to suggestions like moving away or getting therapy.

 

She hasn't said 'i tried looking into therapy BUT x y z means I can't get it unfortunately...' nor has she said 'I can't move away because I have to care for my terminally ill mum' or something.

 

I don't understand why some posters on here refute reasonable advice provided on behalf of the OP. Its like some people here get defensive on behalf of the OP because they were in the same situation and didn't do what was suggested to the OP and now want to explain how its totally OK to do it that way. We're trying to lessen her pain, by offering the best methods for optimal results. Some posters responding seem to just want to create obstacles of their own and project them/offer them as 'maybes' for the OP's lack of action. Why???

[LoverOfDance]

@Losangelena, i'm actually curious to know how i came off condescending. Condescending to the op? Or do you have this idea that Christians tend to come off condescending?

 

I don't have any power over what you feel towards me. My intention was not to be condescending and my post was referring mostly to the op. Hopefully, she did not feel that i was being condescending. My intention is to help. If you feel that i am being condescending, remember that i don't have any control over what you feel.

[preraph]

Staying busy to keep moving forward and not allowing yourself to stay focused on a lost cause is the best advice you can give those trying to get over a breakup or unrequited love. The problem here is despite the reality, the OP has chosen to remain "in love" forever and idealize this guy and never admit it was one-sided or that he did her dirty right before he got married. She has chosen to not accept reality. Until that changes, no advice is going to land.

 

She's been repeatedly told she needs to get in therapy, which she still hasn't done and finds excuses not to do.

 

She wouldn't even consider changing churches during all this.

 

She hasn't considered moving to a nearby town so she has some new options and can get the stink off her from going after an engaged/married man.

 

Not much else you can do. I guess it's kind of like every other kind of addict. They themselves have to hit rock bottom. I kind of thought she had, but nope, she still holds onto the dream.

[Beachead]

Your input is always soooo amazing. Someone needs to collate all the posts you make and put them together in a little book that people could easily refer to when some wisdom is needed

 

I appreciate that Starlight8 . Thank you.

[Beachead]

@Losangelena and beachhead - the whole staying busy thing doesn't necessarily work for everyone. The thing is that, no matter how busy you are during the day, you still have to come back to your quiet room/bed where the tormenting thoughts are just patiently waiting to haunt your mind until you fall asleep. Even after you fall asleep, your dreams may also be haunted too.

 

I am a professional dancer and dance teacher and while i was going through my heartbreak, i was training everyday AND going to school/university. I was extremely busy yet it still took me 5 or 6 years to move on.

 

Nobody helped me move on from my heartbreak. No passion, hobby or work helped either. Being a christian, i prayed everyday for the strength to move on. One day while i was laying in bed, it just happened. I said to myself - "no one deserves to go through this. Absolutely no one". I believe that it was God who gave me the strength to pull myself out of that abyss.

 

It has to happen inside you. When it happens, it will be a very private, personal and profound thing. Also, no one will ever know how much strength it took you to get through this and you will carry that new found strength with you forever.

 

Be patient Op. You will overcome.

 

I think you assumed I was telling OP to get busy as a means to distract herself. Never deal with grief via distraction because the pain will come back. You'll slow your healing process down. But the worst part about distraction is, without your knowing, your pain will manifests itself into your behaviour and influence how you feel, your thoughts, and your actions..some of which could be very detrimental to your life. You will hurt people around you who care for you as well. So we need that down time to let our pain in and feel it in its entirety and we need to give ourselves permission to feel how we want about it.

 

I mention pushing forward to the OP because it can brings her results that can assist her in dealing with her grief better. She'll have more avenues that will naturally help her instead of just one which is trying to think her way out of her pain. Whenever she need to have a good cry..she can have a good cry.

 

It's about balancing both. Letting yourself feel and pushing forward. Losing that balance will slow progress and in some cases, stop it altogether. Some people do too much and distract themselves and don't give themselves enough downtime to feel and process. Others may be on the opposite side where they have too much time to think and have given up on their life. Some are somewhere in between both ends of the spectrum. Depending on who's who, I will give my advice.

 

Time will do the rest but she'll never be the same and she shouldn't expect to be. She's going to change from her experiences as we all have. Depending on her attitude, will be the quality of that change.

Edited December 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Kitty Tantrum]

My heart hurts for you, Madd.

 

I didn't read all of the previous replies thoroughly, but I'm pretty sure I don't have much new to add - but I want to share a snippet of my story. It's not terribly similar but shares a common thread, and might be useful to think on when pondering could-have-beens.

 

I was, once upon a time, a young woman in love with a man I'd known since I was about 13. He was a good friend, like a brother to me in a lot of ways. He seemed perfect for me, and I just knew that nobody could love him like I could. I felt like it was "meant to be." I held off on telling him how I felt because I was still young and not even really allowed to date. It was easy to imagine he might feel the same way, because he was affectionate, would tease me, obviously at least liked me a lot as a person. He always danced with me at church dances, gave me hugs, said nice things about me, etc.

 

Then all of a sudden he was dating a girl. And then just like that, they were engaged. Before I ever had a chance. I was crushed. I kept my feelings to myself and tried to be happy for them.

 

In my story (super condensed version), she cheated on him, and got pregnant, and left him.

 

He ended up marrying me. He gave me two beautiful children. And I thought it was all so perfect and romantic and that God had obviously intended for us to be together, and was so happy that I hadn't started dating anyone else, that I had saved my virginity for him, etc.

 

And it was blissful... until the honeymoon period ended and I started realizing that he wasn't as into me as I was into him. Then four years into our marriage he dropped the bomb on me: I was his rebound, I was what was available, I was the girl his family pressured him to marry when he didn't have any other prospects or any other direction in life sorted out. He was never in love with me. He never wanted to marry me (or anyone at that point, according to him - even the ex he was engaged to was more something he was pressured into), and hadn't actually wanted to have children.

 

I stayed in that marriage for three more years (total of seven) desperately trying to make it work, because I loved him so much - and he held all the power in our marriage because of that. I gave him everything he ever asked for, did things for him and with him that I'm ashamed to have done - all in the name of the same kind of love you're talking about. He used that to his advantage in every way he could, without ever giving back a single drop of the love I hoped for from him.

 

The moral of the story here is that sometimes NOT getting what you want might just be the best thing for you.

 

I got what I wanted, and I've had to pay a steeper price for it (both emotionally and financially) than I ever could have imagined.

 

I mean, think about it... if this guy would cheat on her (the girl he CHOSE, who by your reckoning is so amazing and beautiful) with you (the backup plan?) - who would he have cheated on you with, if he'd ended up with you instead? Some random ho? And/or how might he have leveraged your love for him to his benefit, at your expense?

 

The choices he has made are a reflection of his character. It's important to understand that he probably would have made similar choices even if the people in the story were rearranged a bit.

 

The love you have for him would not make him a better man with better morals. It would only make it easier for him to hurt you with impunity - as he has proven himself quite capable of doing.

 

He sounds immature. He sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants or what he's doing. He sounds like he's not ready for marriage at all. Other posters are right that you have him on a pedestal and aren't seeing him for the man he actually is. I know what that's like.

 

You didn't exactly dodge the bullet here. I'd say you sustained a pretty good flesh wound. But marrying a guy like that is just begging to have the entire magazine unloaded into your chest.

[LoverOfDance]

Well said Kitty-tantrum. I'm very sorry you experienced what you did with your husband, smh.

 

I really hope your words really resonates with the Op. She doesn't realize how lucky she is to not be that man's wife. I hope it dawns on her later that she is actually luckier than his wife because she doesn't have to spend eternity with him.

 

I also hope that his wife doesn't suffer too much as a result of marrying a man like him.

[Robert]

Thread reopened on OP's request

[Madd_hatter]

Having the absolute worse day ever. I’m in full fledge panic mode. I don’t know how to cope with how I feel. I’m so overwhelmed with these horrible feelings I feel like I can’t breathe. I honestly don’t think I can be without him. I just want to scream. I am so ashamed of myself for being so weak. Weeks went by and I thought I was doing well. This is beyond a relapse.

 

I can’t control the tears that are pouring down my face. My eyes feel raw from crying.

 

I miss him so much my heart hurts inside chest

[bathtub-row]

Sorry you’re still hurting so much. You probably need to see a shrink and take medication to get past this. I don’t normally suggest drugs but you’ve got a serious issue with letting go.

[Amethyst68]

I don't mean to be harsh but you say you don't think you can be without him, OP, you've NEVER been with him.

 

You are obsessed with an idea not with the actual person and IMO you desperately need IC to move on. I'm beginning to think that you don't really want to move forward though, you've idealized this man for so long he's become perfect in your eyes, and nothing we st is going to change that.

 

Are you still seeing and speaking to him? If so, why?

[Beachead]

Having the absolute worse day ever. I’m in full fledge panic mode. I don’t know how to cope with how I feel. I’m so overwhelmed with these horrible feelings I feel like I can’t breathe. I honestly don’t think I can be without him. I just want to scream. I am so ashamed of myself for being so weak. Weeks went by and I thought I was doing well. This is beyond a relapse.

 

I can’t control the tears that are pouring down my face. My eyes feel raw from crying.

 

I miss him so much my heart hurts inside chest

 

You had a bad dream the other night as mentioned in your other thread and that's all. Give it a few days to shake it off and in the mean time, don't let your holidays go to waste. This is the perfect time to make a resolution with yourself.

 

- Beach

[divegrl]

I’m so sorry my friend.

 

Breathe. Give yourself time. Take a nice warm bath.

 

It’s very common for emotions to occur spontaneously. Whatever your emotions lead you to feel, know that it is ok.

 

Sending peace.

[Madd_hatter]

This morning was my breaking point. I literally broke down in the middle of work in front of everyone. It was the most humiliating thing that’s ever happened to me.

 

My boss gave me the rest of the day off. She was very understanding. But i know people are talking. I told them I’m going through a breakup, not like they deserved an explanation but I figured make myself look less pathetic. “Less” being the keyword.

 

I’m on my way home, looking up therapists in my area. There’s not a lot. But I’m looking.

[stillafool]

When are you going to make an appointment to see a Therapist?

[stillafool]

 

I’m on my way home, looking up therapists in my area. There’s not a lot. But I’m looking.

 

You only need one.

[Madd_hatter]

January 2nd is the soonest I can get. I made an appointment for that day. I’m not really sure what to expect but I’m hopeful.

 

There’s only one way left to go from here and that’s up.