Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[LoverOfDance]

Also, you need to stop writing about Jason. Stop feeding your obsession for him. Write a final letter to him and burn it or throw it into the sea. Let this signify your desire to let go of the past.

[elaine567]

You and Jason broke that marriage before it even started. There is a very good chance that that marriage will eventually end because of what you and Jason did and because Jason is just not someone who should be married.

I don't think that is necessarily true.

Yes Jason had sex with the OP, but it was a one off thing and I guess it closed a door for him. This girl had been hanging around loving him for years, he probably needed to make sure he was not making a mistake in marrying his gf.

 

Now he and his wife are having a baby, it would be pure evil to tell his wife about the ONS.

[LoverOfDance]

Elaine - I think that as time passes by, people minimize the gravity of Jason’s cheating. You need to put yourself in his wife’s shoes to understand there is no way to minimize the act of cheating.

 

If my husband cheated on me, no matter how long ago and even if it was just once, we would have a very big problem. If he kept it a secret, we would have an even bigger problem. Personally speaking, I would not stay with a man who cheated on me once and then lied about it for years. Every woman should have enough self respect to leave such a “marriage”.

 

Cheating would be betrayal but keeping a secret like this for years, is something else. Many relationships would not survive this kind of toxicity. The fact that Jason or the Op have not told the truth means that they are lying to his wife EVERYDAY.

 

I just think it’s interesting that everyone is trying to protect a marriage that is already broken. The only chance for this marriage to survive would be if the truth was actually revealed. Jason and the Op need to come together and tell the truth. Jason needs a fresh start with his wife, a clean slate.

 

If a husband makes promises in front of God and man to protect and guard his wife’s heart but breaks those promises everyday by keeping a secret like this, is the marriage really genuine?

 

Op, like I said and I will always stand by this - the truth will set you FREE. You NEED to confess your truth.

 

I am not a master of words and honestly words fail me most of the time but I will say this, you need to dig deep and ask yourself, how can I stop evading the truth? Honestly, the answer is within you and not on this forum.

 

Good luck with therapy. I sincerely hope it works for you.

Edited October 16, 2019 by LoverOfDance

[Madd_hatter]

I feel like if I didn’t confess or come clean to her before they were married, I sure as heck ain’t gonna do it now that she’s pregnant. Kinda like a “speak now or forever hold your peace”,.. I wouldn’t want to hurt her especially not while she’s pregnant.

 

Jason and I have nothing. It meant nothing. It was a one night stand before he got married just to clear his mind. I get that.

 

I was mad at him for a while. But I’m not anymore. I’m happy it happened. At least I got to be with him once.

 

Bottom line.. there’s no way I’m ever telling her. At this point, it would be totally selfish of me.

[mark clemson]

Elaine - I think that as time passes by, people minimize the gravity of Jason’s cheating. You need to put yourself in his wife’s shoes to understand there is no way to minimize the act of cheating.

 

If my husband cheated on me, no matter how long ago and even if it was just once, we would have a very big problem. If he kept it a secret, we would have an even bigger problem. Personally speaking, I would not stay with a man who cheated on me once and then lied about it for years. Every woman should have enough self respect to leave such a “marriage”.

 

 

But... YOU need to put yourself in her shoes as well. She is not you. She may feel very differently about a one off ONS. You are projecting your own feelings and views on to her, but she may not share them. Some people ARE content to let bygones be bygones, particularly if they don't mean much, and would rather not know. And either way bringing it up during the pregnancy would be emotionally disruptive.

 

OP, I hope this turn of events gives you the impetus you need to finally move on from your unhealthy obsession.

[Maddie82]

. Bottom line.. there’s no way I’m ever telling her. At this point, it would be totally selfish of me.

 

I agree. Nothing can be gained from telling her anyway, especially after all this time. Like you said, she's pregnant and you could cause unnecessary risk to an innocent baby.

[stillafool]

The difference here is that MH had sex with Jason before he was married. He never cheated on his wife.

[Amethyst68]

No-one here knows if Jason has confessed to his wife and she has decided to offer him the gift of reconciliation. We know nothing of their relationship!

[LoverOfDance]

“Jason and I have nothing. It meant nothing”.

 

You say this but you’ve been going bat sh*t crazy over this man for more than a year. People will tell themselves anything to avoid doing something terrifying. Coming together with Jason to tell the truth is NOT selfish. Choosing not to IS. You are trying to save your image from the damage it will face if the truth came out. You are also trying to protect yourself from the pain of doing something so terribly difficult.

 

Do you also want to know why it is so difficult for you to tell the truth? Because you gain no short term benefits from telling the truth. The consequences of telling the truth is that Jason’s wife may leave OR she might stay and they might actually get a shot at building a stronger relationship with a stronger foundation. They can repair their relationship and actually have a relationship free of lies. What doesn’t break them can only make them stronger.

 

But the thing is Op, you don’t really care about any of this. You care about saving your own face and protecting your own emotions.

 

You want redemption and you want your freedom back. I think the first step to achieving this would be to tell the truth. I honestly pray you find some strength in the midst of all this, to do the right thing and finally get a fresh start for yourself.

[LoverOfDance]

MH, I know my suggestions sound insane, trust me I do.

 

But look at things from this perspective - this entire situation is beyond insane. You have been obsessed with this man for more than a decade. There is nothing sane about this and there is also nothing selfless about obsession. Obsession has everything to do with YOU and not the object.

 

Telling the truth and going about it in a way that doesn’t seek destruction but rather restoration, might be insane but it is also selfLESS.

 

I truly do believe it will help you in the long run. I won’t say anymore concerning this though because I have said everything that needs to be said.

[preraph]

The difference here is that MH had sex with Jason before he was married. He never cheated on his wife.

 

^ This. Realistically, I bet most engaged guys go do a one-nighter with someone right before they get married. In this case, I think he was just practicing with her to see if he could do it on the honeymoon.

 

It would be ridiculous to tell her at this point. He's probably been perfectly faithful since they have been married.

 

He's married and he's having a family now, so he and his wife are bound for the rest of their lives, and probably thrilled about it.

Edited October 16, 2019 by preraph

[lana-banana]

Yes, go back to therapy. There's no shame in it.

 

You are devastated because the neural pathways that once yielded such pleasing results (obsessing over him nonstop) now lead to painful places. This is normal. If somebody punched me in the gut every time I ate my favorite food I'd be pretty upset too. The key is acknowledge your feelings and move on. It hurts, it sucks, and that's okay. You'll be okay. Just don't give up.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I dunno. I'm the kind of gal who has a pretty strong capacity for forgiveness in matters of infidelity... provided forgiveness is asked. My fiancé and I are getting married next month, and if I found out later on down the road that he went out and screwed an old friend of his right before the wedding - and didn't fess up because he thought I would leave him over it... I'd likely leave him for the lie, not because of the sex. Carnal weakness is more understandable and forgivable to me than deliberate, calculated, and prolonged deceit.

 

Modern relationships are all over the board. One person saying "it doesn't count against him because they weren't married yet" does not make it universally so. Perhaps she already knows and has forgiven him - but if not, then the longer it stays a secret the more likely it is to destroy their marriage if/when it comes to light.

 

I don't know that the OP has any obligation to tell the wife - but if private religious confession is an option that hasn't been explored, that might be worthwhile. Modern "therapy" more or less has its roots in replacing the role of confession - pay a therapist to help you make peace with things you've done rather than seeking absolution through confession to a priest, etc. For some people the latter still affords more peace of mind than the former.

[elaine567]

In this case, I think he was just practicing with her to see if he could do it on the honeymoon.

Madd hatter was a virgin, I don't think there is any indication Jason was a virgin on the night of the ONS.

[preraph]

But he too is in that small town and super religious, so there's a very good chance.

[Blanco]

I'm speaking as a dumb guy here, but aren't pregnant women supposed to avoid stress if possible? So maybe the time has come and gone for the OP to tell the guy's wife about the ONS.

 

Cheating isn't excusable, but I also think it should be taken into consideration that this was a ONS and not some on-going affair. And unless I missed something, the guy hasn't tried anything like this with the OP again, lending to the argument that this was an outlier on his part, rather than his standard conduct.

[healing light]

I've read your entire thread as it happened, so my memory might be a bit foggy on some things.

 

Did you ever ask him why he slept with you that night? For your own peace of mind?

 

How long has it been now since you've talked to him? I recall you were going to switch churches and then I thought you might have started attending the same services again.

 

I'm sorry this happened, I know it must be painful. I know what it's like to struggle with getting over someone of a long duration like that. If I hadn't already mentioned it, I find EFT (emotional freedom technique, you can look it up on YouTube) to be really helpful in the moment with intense emotional reactions or trauma. It will be worth digging into what beliefs this guy brings up for you and why he triggers you. Sometimes we have to grieve not only what was but the dreams that will never come to be.

 

However, I am not the type of person that thinks a confessional to his wife is in order. You're not the one who made vows to her, and as you're not over Jason yet, I don't feel like your motivation in telling her could come from a place of 100% integrity despite what other posters may feel (I know you're not thinking of telling her, just giving my two cents). I feel like this rendezvous is Jason's responsibility to bear and definitely inappropriate to bring up while she's pregnant. I do think that kind of emotional distress and shock imprints the baby even while in the womb.

 

A confession now would do nothing but cause chaos, drama, etc. during what should be a joyful first time in this woman's life; I see it as a vengeful action or one meant to alleviate the guilt of the third party as opposed to an honorable one if it came from the OP, especially right now when she's feeling triggered by this pregnancy news. I feel like most "other woman" scenarios who confess don't solely do it for the good of the wife, but rather because they may want to consciously or subconsciously get back at the man for not choosing them.

 

If you truly were Jason's wife's friend, the time to mention it would have been shortly after it happened (though it sounds like you were always Jason's friend as opposed to hers). You never know if he may have actually said anything to her at some point, maybe even while you took an absence from the church. While it's probably unlikely, it's possible that could have happened, in which case sudden confessions on the heels of her pregnancy would come across as vindictive.

 

That being said, I think the best thing for you right now is to continue to find a different church community and go forward with a therapist that you trust.

[elaine567]

Bottom line.. there’s no way I’m ever telling her. At this point, it would be totally selfish of me.

 

^^^MH has made it plain today, telling his wife is NOT an option.

[hmmhmmm2]

I think it’s pretty low of him to sleep with you. But wouldn’t it be better to go NC instead of wasting another 10+ years of your life? You did understand very clearly that he’s getting engaged to another woman soon when you accepted his sexual advance. Just think of that one night as some sex adventure.

 

Personally, I’d just throw away his stuff without trying to blackmail him into talking to you. What are you trying to get out of remaining as his “friend”? Do you intend to be his side piece going forward?

 

If you weren't in love enough to be honest and open with both of your communication, then it's evident you two would not have been suitable for marriage. Sometimes relationships are good solely for sex, but having high sex drive on both parties could actually spell trouble when it comes to being responsible in adulthood.

Even if your communication was great, you would find him to be a cheater, and thus someone who either "has low moral value" or does not abide by his moral value, both of which WILL spell destruction for your future together.

 

You're better off without.

[Madd_hatter]

I have switched churches, but I ran into him a few weeks ago. It was on the day if my birthday while I was out having dinner with my girl friends. That’s kinda when all the mushy gushy feelings started again. He wished me a happy birthday and my heart all but exploded. I was done.

 

I never asked him why he slept with me. I guess I was afraid of the answer. I know it wasn’t love. I’m not dumb. Truthfully, at the time, I didn’t care. All I knew was that he was doing all the things I wanted him to be doing.

 

Started therapy. This is a different therapist from the last time. It felt nice talking with no judgement or backlash. I have another session tomorrow. She suggested I start a journal. No clue what help that would do, but ok... I haven’t started yet. I don’t even know where to start it off.

 

Just trying to stay out of my own head for a little while.

[Madd_hatter]

Jason was not a virgin at the time, he had sex one other time. But his wife was a virgin.

[stillafool]

In this case, I think he was just practicing with her to see if he could do it on the honeymoon.

 

 

Yep, he was just getting practice. Especially if his new wife was a virgin.

[Madd_hatter]

Yep, he was just getting practice. Especially if his new wife was a virgin.

 

He also claimed not to have known I was a virgin before him, but he knew.

[preraph]

Glad you're feeling positive about being in therapy again. A journal will be good for you just to get it all out. You can repeat yourself in a journal and no one is going to see it anyway. You can say your ugliest thoughts and no one is going to see it anyway. It's good.

[stillafool]

I too think a journal will do you good. You can really poor your heart out through your words and say what you may not say to another person and it's completely confidential. It helped me through a rough break up a long time ago. Stick with the therapy also.