Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Madd_hatter]

I was actually so proud of myself before all this. I felt excited, I felt free. It felt good to not feel trapped by these overwhelming feelings. Now they’re right back. What scares me even more is, is this how it will always be? Can I go months being fine and the get set back all the way again? I don’t ever think I’ll really be over him. I miss him so much and want him more than ever. 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Madd_hatter

[mark clemson]

Hi, MH and happy 2020.  I think the new LS look gets some getting used to, but once you're used to it it's pretty good.

I think what happened showed you the importance of full, complete, utter NC. When contact is essentially impossible, your limbic system can calm down. Seeing him switched it back on, unfortunately and triggered all the limerence all over again. The neural pathways aren't anywhere close to being rewired, so they go right back to firing again, unfortunately.

My belief is that you need to metaphorically lock him in a vault, seal it in concrete, dump it in an ocean trench, and melt down the key. I think you need to realize/make it impossible to have him in your life at all. Then you'll be able to get past this in peace and with relative ease.

[Beachead]

Hey MH,

Happy New Year. 

I'm with Mark Clemson.    What you feel now is just the the resurgence of a lifetime of thinking about him, hoping, wishing, feeling, expecting from him; old programming.   But, you know if you stay away from him, it subsides.  You've experienced that a few times now, so the solution shouldn't even be a mystery anymore.   

If you want to heal, stay away from him.  If there is a risk of seeing him, avoid the situation.  For now, this the extremes you have to go to because you need to heal, for you.  Right now, you come first.  No one else.

-Beach

Edited January 5, 2020 by Beachead

[JTSW]

On 1/4/2020 at 5:28 PM, Madd_hatter said:

What scares me even more is, is this how it will always be? Can I go months being fine and the get set back all the way again? I don’t ever think I’ll really be over him. I miss him so much and want him more than ever. 

It has been over 2 years and this obsession is still very much alive and always will be.

It has been going on for far too long.

Beach is right. Avoid ever seeing him. 

That's the only way you will heal. 

If you are going somewhere where there is a possibility of him being there, avoid it.

What if next time you run into him he has his wife and new baby with him?

You say he knows how you feel, but he obviously doesn't know the extent of your obsession and nor does he even care.

He's happy.

Edited January 6, 2020 by JTSW

[Madd_hatter]

Ok so it’s been a week or so and I’m still an emotional wreck. I have been thinking of him non stop and I am completely ashamed to say I have been checking his posts like a mad woman!! He hasn’t posted a thing and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to know what he’s up to. I feel like I’m going through withdrawal. I’ve checked his wife’s posts too and she has posted a few things here and there but mostly just funny pictures or old pictures of her family. Nothing about him. I don’t know why I care where he is or what he’s doing, all I know is that I do. I’m like an addict trying to get a quick fix. I know it will make things worse for me but I need a little bit of him. I am a mess. 

[Beachead]

The intensity of that "needing to know" what he's up to, will pass.   It won't go away completely, since you're currently working through the long-term process of learning how to live your life without him..but it will pass.  No emotion lasts forever nor does the intensity of it.

There was a time I thought I couldn't make it without my ex..yet here I am, living without my ex.  Then I thought the same with the next..and then I got passed it.  Then again, and I got passed it.   Eventually, I learned to just let the pain be, knowing it'd pass, so that's what I tell myself, when I go through something.  "It'll pass."

You're stronger than you think.  You're capable of living without him.  You don't need him.  Just proceed as you were before all this happened and let time do its thing, and you focus on yourself.   Now that doesn't mean you won't carry some scars and memories with you..you probably will, but that's okay.  Our past is a part of who we are and it shapes us, as cliche as that sounds.  We need it so that we can realize where we've been, how far we'v come and where we're going WHILE not being defined by it or held back by it.  The latter comes with time.

Just let it be and keep going.  Keep working hard.  You will be fine.

- Beach

Edited January 8, 2020 by Beachead

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Madd_hatter said:

 I’m still an emotional wreck. I have been thinking of him non stop

Consider explaining to your counselor that you have full fledged limerence and asking if she can look up a psychological treatment for it. Maybe she will know of something chemical that might help? Don't know, but so long as you're not risking addiction (to a med) you should be ok if she can legally prescribe and keeps it in bounds for that. Maybe something for depression will help a little? Something to consider.

Be sure you're getting outside in nature at least 10 min a day (or looking at quality nature pics or similar on your computer if you're snowed in). One issue is that your brain has lower serotonin right now so you need to give it some help there. Definitely not a cure, but it can help take the edge off (a bit subtly).

Strongly recommend you STOP the cyber-stalking as this is just re-triggering you/keeping your limbic system activated. Believe that ANY KIND OF ANYTHING related to him needs to be impossible so it will settle down again. Consider deleting whatever apps you're using to cyber-stalk from your phone or at least removing him from any feeds etc. Zap the means to even see him. Remember how much better things were when he was first gone? That's what you need IMO.

[preraph]

Tell the counselor you can't accept reality.  I'm sure she already knows you're obsessive.

[JTSW]

I have to say that I have never seen or heard anything like this before. 

This is off the scale obsessive and I hate to say it, but its psychotic (I'm sorry to be a little harsh 🙏). 

This is not normal or healthy by a long shot and it greatly concerns me 🙁

Edited January 8, 2020 by JTSW

[lana-banana]

It's very possible that he's limited what posts you can see. He knows you are still extremely obsessed with him to the point of sending late-night topless shots. If I was him (or his wife) I wouldn't want you looking at my daily life either.

MH, you gotta stop this. In the year and a half since you started this thread this guy has gotten married, moved away, and is now expecting his first child. He's out there living his life while you just languish and obsess over what can never be. You are literally wasting your youth on this guy. You need to get an appointment with your counselor immediately and in the mean time you have to block him---his number, his social media accounts, his emails, everything. You have to start living your life NOW like he might as well be dead. Every day you cling to him is another day you do immeasurable harm to your health and well-being. 

[mark clemson]

IIRC, MH you are religious? Consider prayer as well, perhaps you can get some help from that avenue now that he is gone. Every little bit helps presumably.

[Beachead]

MH,

I agree with Iana-Banana.  Having someone who broke your heart on social media is the worst thing you can do for your healing.  It triggers your anxiety.  You look at their profile and their activity and from your weak state of mind, you make up a story in your head about what they must be doing, thinking and feeling and you end up convincing yourself of it..and then it gets harder.   You can't believe what you see on social media but most importantly..you shouldn't have him on it.  People have advised you to block him for a long time now.   He's married, he's expecting to have a child, and he's some place else, building his life with his family.  He had a long time to decide if he wanted to be with you and he chose not to.   He's gone.  You can cry, you can fantasize in false hope..but he's gone.  Whether you accept that now or you prolong it, doesn't change it.   The only thing you'd be doing is wasting your youth on someone who's moved on with his life.

-Beach

Edited January 9, 2020 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

20 hours ago, Beachead said:

MH,

I agree with Iana-Banana.  Having someone who broke your heart on social media is the worst thing you can do for your healing.  It triggers your anxiety.  You look at their profile and their activity and from your weak state of mind, you make up a story in your head about what they must be doing, thinking and feeling and you end up convincing yourself of it..and then it gets harder.   You can't believe what you see on social media but most importantly..you shouldn't have him on it.  People have advised you to block him for a long time now.   He's married, he's expecting to have a child, and he's some place else, building his life with his family.  He had a long time to decide if he wanted to be with you and he chose not to.   He's gone.  You can cry, you can fantasize in false hope..but he's gone.  Whether you accept that now or you prolong it, doesn't change it.   The only thing you'd be doing is wasting your youth on someone who's moved on with his life.

-Beach

I know.. but it’s so hard to let him go, emotionally. I feel like I love him in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. It feels so real. Limerence, obsession, whatever it is, it’s strong and it feels like i have no control. I’ve told my therapist. I’ve even recently told my closest girl friends who already knew but didn’t know it was still this strong...stronger even. He’s all I think about. I can not, absolutely cannot get him out of my head. It’s driving me insane. I want him so so badly.  

[Happy Lemming]

5 minutes ago, Madd_hatter said:

 I want him so so badly.  

"You can't always get what you want" - Mick Jagger

Grow up, stop being a child... He was never yours to begin with.  At any point he could have dated you and chose not to, he dated other women, but never you (because he didn't want to). I suspect you'd be acting this way even if you hadn't slept with him.  You want something you can't have and you are unwilling to accept that, that is why you slept with him and that is why you sext'd him a topless picture of yourself. 

Well too bad, honey... You can stand on your head and cry to the cows come home, Jason is NEVER going to want you, date you and at this point, probably wants to avoid you at all costs. 

[JTSW]

39 minutes ago, Madd_hatter said:

He’s all I think about. I can not, absolutely cannot get him out of my head. It’s driving me insane. I want him so so badly.  

You're never going to have him, ever. 

So what do you plan on doing for the rest of your life? 

[mark clemson]

Thing about limerence - it's involuntary. I've experienced this myself (to a somewhat lesser degree.) That's why IMO MH needs to look at the relatively few available ways to shut it off and/or reduce it as much as possible. Otherwise she's just going to be stuck in mind**** torture land until it finally subsides, which will most likely be additional months minimally and possibly a few years.

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, Madd_hatter said:

I know.. but it’s so hard to let him go, emotionally. I feel like I love him in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. It feels so real. Limerence, obsession, whatever it is, it’s strong and it feels like i have no control. I’ve told my therapist. I’ve even recently told my closest girl friends who already knew but didn’t know it was still this strong...stronger even. He’s all I think about. I can not, absolutely cannot get him out of my head. It’s driving me insane. I want him so so badly.  

But you HAVE to, and you HAVE to stop telling yourself that this will never end. You have made progress before; you know it's possible to start getting over him. But you have to make a conscious effort. That means blocking him on social media and deleting his number, for starters. Just that small step will get you a very long way.

As other people have said: it doesn't matter how much you want him. You can't have him, ever. Can you accept that? Can you stand in front of the mirror and say "I'm never going to have him, and that's okay"? You need to. Practice saying it out loud ten times a day. Get comfortable with the reality of it. And then, little by little, make yourself move on.

You can't have him. So what now? What will you do with the rest of your life?

Edited January 9, 2020 by lana-banana

[Beachead]

Quote

I know.. but it’s so hard to let him go, emotionally. I feel like I love him in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. It feels so real. Limerence, obsession, whatever it is, it’s strong and it feels like i have no control. I’ve told my therapist. I’ve even recently told my closest girl friends who already knew but didn’t know it was still this strong...stronger even. He’s all I think about. I can not, absolutely cannot get him out of my head. It’s driving me insane. I want him so so badly.  

No.  Remember.. what you want is a version of him you made up in your head.  The person he really is, is someone who chose another life with another person.   He has nothing to do with this.  This is about you and being afraid to grow up and love yourself the way you deserve.  Afraid to think about yourself and what you want in your life.    Letting him go means having to do that.  You're terrified of doing it because it's hard and uncertain and you're scared to fail..so you take all that fear and you project it onto a time in your life that was simpler, and more certain, and not so scary.   All he is..is a symbol representing that time in your life.  I don't doubt you had feelings for him once upon a time but I do doubt you have them now because there is nothing I can see in your current reality that you love about him.  Your pain is real but you grieve or miss as you describe in your posts during these tough times, is something else, that doesn't exist. 

At times you are able to see that and get it.  Then you bump into him or you receive a message from him and you go back to your old routine.  Cutting this guy off is the first step you would be taking to loving yourself and passing this test life keeps throwing at you.

- Beach

 

Edited January 10, 2020 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

3 hours ago, Madd_hatter said:

I know.. but it’s so hard to let him go, emotionally. 

Sometimes things in life are hard.  If your'e expecting something to magically happen for it to be easy, it isn't going to.  

Edited January 10, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[Madd_hatter]

It will be fine. This feeling will pass. It’s not the end of the world or even my life. I can live without him. It’s ok. I do not need him. He’s not the one for me and that’s ok. It’s ok to love someone and not be with them. I know he loves me too, just in a different way. I forgive him. It’s not his fault. 2020 is the year I move on. I’ll have a few setbacks along the way and that’s fine. Everything is going to be fine. I can do this. I have a great job, great friends, a fantastic family, and most of all, I have the God. I am loved. I’m a good person. I’m wanted. People care about me. Someone will fall in love with me and it will be so much better than how I feel with Jason. 
 

wow it felt good typing that. Reading it back, I actually felt like I believe it. 
 

I’m ok. I am ok. I’m fine. 

[Beachead]

Quote

wow it felt good typing that. Reading it back, I actually felt like I believe it. 

Exactly. 

 You're forcing your mind to think in a different direction.  Right now it might feel stupid and foreign to you..but what you're really doing is focusing.  Our way we perceive our own life comes from our trains of thought.  Some of it is from life experiences that have shaped us and some of that thinking comes from personal habit.  What you want to do is focus on the latter because you can change it by creating the habit of thinking constructively, proactively for yourself.  You can do it and its very possible..but its not overnight work.  It's daily practice.  Good results take time to build.

So you'll probably go back to that old way of thinking from time to time but when it happens, you just have to reaffirm to yourself, you're going to be okay and that you don't need him.  The second part to it is working on yourself.  Learning to appreciate what's already there in your life; the people who are there and the things you have in your life that you might actually be taking for granted.   Continue going to therapy sessions and get real with who you are, what you fear, what you want out of your life etc.  Write out your experiences in therapy and what you learned from it along with what you learned about your life.  Think about yourself and try to apply those new discoveries.  With time, set goals and work hard at achieving them but put more emphasis on self-development rather than finding a boyfriend.  

Your first-order of business is building a home for yourself;  A circle of friends you can count on.  A career that you're passionate about and good at.  Having adventures and working on hobbies that build you.  When you have things going on in your life that enrich you and give back to you, you'll be healing yourself..and the more accomplishments and experiences you have, the more perspective you will gain, and the more those things will help you heal.   At some point in the future, you'll meet someone and by then, having a partner will be less about using someone to fix you, and more about having an added bonus to an already content life that you're living.  

I've said it time and time again.  You can get passed this by focusing on you.

- Beach

Edited January 10, 2020 by Beachead

[pinkpaw]

This thread....wow.

Have you asked for a psychoanalyst's opinion? Usually obsessions to this degree are maladaptations rooted in some kind of trauma/negative attachment styles that can send the individual into living in a fantasy world to escape their reality....e.g. in this case, pinning all hopes and idealisations on an outside source/the 'fairytale prince' idealisation....and then when its time to burst that fantasy and live in reality, it can be very difficult. 

It sounds like its been a very painful, long road for you OP but really, I wouldn't waste any more time. Try digging deep and getting to know yourself - what is your identity, who are you when in isolation from jason/anything jason-related is taken out of the picture?

[Ellener]

On 12/15/2019 at 3:57 PM, Madd_hatter said:

Hi all. I’ve decided to detox from him. Total 100% cold turkey detox. That includes posting about him here. Even therapy sessions, I’ve kept the topic of him an absolute minimum. I’m ashamed of my past behavior. I honestly don’t know how I let it get that bad. 
 

My therapist says I’m doing better. Even my anxiety and depression. I’m feeling better. I cringe when I think back too much. I hate the person I became. I’m healing. I am. I am so sorry to everyone. I was in a dark, dark place. I don’t ever want to go back there again.

Work through it and move on.

Nothing else for it.

[princessaurora]

Hi Madd, 

I went through your posts to see what brought you to this place and i've gotta say. You have been put through the ringer girl! It reminded me of what I went through with my first love whose name also started with a J.  I havent told this story in many years but I know you of all people can relate to it.

I met  him jr yr of high school when he  stepped in as a blind date for a friend and we became instant friends.  We would talk on the phone for hours and make out here and there. It wasn't long before i fell head over heels in love with him. I wasnt the prettiest girl then. I was a little overweight, had braces, and out of control frizzy hair. But i wanted him to be attracted to me, so I lost weight (even became anorexic for a bit), got my braces off, and learned how to take care of my hair. All of a sudden, I was getting hit on left and right and everyone thought i was beautiful.  But, i only wanted him. Still, he played games with me and would never date me. He would tell me he loved me like a sister and then kiss me the next second.  He jumped from girl to girl but called me pouring his heart out everytime they broke up. I was a virgin and hadnt done any sexual stuff at all. I did eventually start doing oral with him, but  refused to have sex with him. A few months before high school graduation, he told me he was going to boot camp for the summer.  He came to see me the night before he left, and asked if we could go in my room for a bit. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. A few days later, I found out he was never going to boot camp, he made it all up, I assume just to get my virginity.  I called him and chewed him out that he  lied. He tried to turn it around on me and tell me he never said anything about bootcamp. Still, i was in love with him and continued to try and stay in his life.  I dated others, but couldnt truly give them anything more than my physical presence because my heart was with J.  I dated one guy who was so freakin hot,  you'd have to fan yourself when he walked in the room, but even with him, I couldnt move on.  He eventually got tired of being with someone who didnt care for him and we broke it off. And he threw me breadcrumbs every now and then calling me, trying to see me when we were both home on school break, but we were never intimate again after that night he took my virginity. I actually relocated to the college down the street from him my sophomore year, but never told him I was there which was crazy. All that time I was dating, having sex, but still my heart 100% belonged to J so none of the poor guys had a chance. But that all changed towards the end of my 2nd year of college, I was dating a guy and he took me to a party. This guy was just like the others where he only had my body but not my heart. At the party I was sitting outside  and something told me to turn around and when I did I saw this adorable guy with an amazing smile. He looked at me and I was struck, just like that.  It sounds so cliche, but it was truly love at first sight. Let's call him M.  And as fate would have it we were both from the same area and getting ready to move back home to finish school. I broke up with the guy I was with shortly after and M and I  started dating. It was so nice to be with a cute, smart, funny guy who didnt play games and felt for me just as strongly as I did for him. He was the sun that finally chased the storm away, the power that snapped me out of the daze of despair I had been burdened with for nearly 2 years. Out of nowhere, I run into J at a bar back home one weekend. He tells me he always had feelings for me and he was sorry for everything. He also had a fiance and was getting married in a few weeks. It was nice to get validation, but I really didnt care that much because I had a new reason for existing, and it was so much better. Then he starts calling me from work. Hey, i forgot my lunch, can you bring me something? I told him No, sorry, i'm busy. Hey, i need a ride home. Can you come get me? Nope, Sorry, already have plans. I never thought i could stand up to him. but suddenly I had the strength to do so because I found the love I truly deserved.  M and  I actually ran into him and his wife right after they got married. Turns out they had a 1 yr old little girl, another thing he never disclosed to me. His wife did not like the way he was looking at me and neither did M, so I told them goodbye. M and I continued dating and eventually got married. We've been married now for over 20 years and I still have no doubt he is the one I belong with. I ran into J one last time a few years after M and I married. I was Christmas shopping and he saw me in the store and approached me. He went to hug me and I backed away, for the first time ever. He seemed taken aback, but over the years I realized what an a**h*** he was to me and how cruel he was to screw over someone who once would have given her life for him. I never deserved to be treated that way. How dare he manipulate me to get my virginity! What a bonified a-hole, and now he wanted a hug? He told me he was divorced and I told him I had been married for several years and was very happy. I never saw him again after that but a few years ago, he remarried a girl who looks like a younger version of me, just not as attractive. Everyone who sees her cant believe how much she looks like me. I couldnt either till I saw her pic. They all say she's a less pretty version of me.  The only reason I found out was because of a mutual friend on fb that knows  a mutual friend of hers They think theyre divorced now because she's using her maiden name again and has deleted all his pics.  All i can say is Karma is a bi%$h. 

 

I'm sharing this with you Madd because I know you will  find your true love one day and you will reallize this guy never was all you built him up to be. And i know you always say he looks so happy, but remember looks can be deceiving. Maybe he is, but maybe he's absolutely miserable.  Noone knows what goes on behind closed doors. I know you said that you think you'd be just as devastated if ya'll had never had sex, but I politely disagree. Sex bonded you more to him and made you feel betrayed, The same can be said for me, I gave him something I intended for marriage and he crapped all over it. He ruined my life for years and had me walking around like I was an empty vessel. He also made me feel so insecure even though everyone around me was constantly trying to build me up. But finding the person I was meant to truly be with broke this horrible spell I was under and I pray the same happens for you. I hope you find a guy who looks at you the same way you look at him and you never have to guess what he's feeling. He'll think you're beautiful even on your worst days, and he'll always be there to catch you when you fall. But please do not regress again and don't  send him any pics. That is so destructive and self humiliating. You have distance now which is exactly what you need to heal. I distanced myself from J for quite some time before I met my husband and that was part of my healing, but he was always on my mind till then. Let your heart continue to heal so that when the right guy comes along, you'll be ready to give it. I promise you, the day you meet that person, you'll look at J from a whole new perspective and it will be in a completely different way than you'll ever expect.