Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Madd_hatter]

Today has been particularly hard for me. I have cried almost all day. It makes 3 entire weeks since the last time we hung out and I’m missing him more than I can describe.

 

I want nothing more than to hear his voice. My heart is so broken. I don’t understand it. I’m so unhappy. I know it’s worng to want him after all this has happened, but I still do. As childish as that may sound, I still want him.

 

I was tempted to send him a text but figured I’d come here to write instead. I actually typed out the message then deleted it before hitting send.

 

It just said “hey you’ve been really quiet. Where you been?”. I but I didn’t send it. I’m trying to let go but I guess bad habits die hard.

 

I feel like maybe I should go back to god with this. I have been totally neglecting everything including God for the past 3 weeks.

 

So many mixed emotions going through me. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think. I wish he was here to hold me. I miss the way he smells. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile, his eyes, his dimples,...

 

Just having a rough day I guess.

[Happy Lemming]

You didn't send the text, that is a "small step" towards healing.

 

3 weeks will turn into 4 weeks, then 5, etc. etc. and it will hurt less and less.

 

If you feel that you are missing God, re-read some of your favorite chapters of your Bible. Pass the time filling your mind with something other than thoughts of him.

 

In times of distress, I'll often pick up a favorite book and re-read it. Or re-watch a favorite DVD/movie. Anything to fill my mind with something warm and familiar.

 

Just my two cents...

[Beachead]

Today has been particularly hard for me. I have cried almost all day. It makes 3 entire weeks since the last time we hung out and I’m missing him more than I can describe.

 

I want nothing more than to hear his voice. My heart is so broken. I don’t understand it. I’m so unhappy. I know it’s worng to want him after all this has happened, but I still do. As childish as that may sound, I still want him.

 

I was tempted to send him a text but figured I’d come here to write instead. I actually typed out the message then deleted it before hitting send.

 

It just said “hey you’ve been really quiet. Where you been?”. I but I didn’t send it. I’m trying to let go but I guess bad habits die hard.

 

I feel like maybe I should go back to god with this. I have been totally neglecting everything including God for the past 3 weeks.

 

So many mixed emotions going through me. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to think. I wish he was here to hold me. I miss the way he smells. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile, his eyes, his dimples,...

 

Just having a rough day I guess.

 

Glad you didn't send it and posted here instead. There is a Coping and No Contact Thread in the COPING part of LS that you can post your day to day thoughts and feelings in if you want to give that a try. I like that you're thinking about how to get through this because it means you're you're thinking forward. That's a really good thing.

 

Yes, it sucks and it will continue to suck for awhile. This is detox/rehabilitation. Take it hour by hour. With time, you'll start taking it a few hours by few hours. Then half a day by half a day. Then day by day. Then week by week etc. The strength will creep up on you like that.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

[Madd_hatter]

I’m really not well. I have zero interest in doing anything. I can’t seem to motivate myself to want to do anything at all. This isn’t a breakup but I feel it’s worse somehow. Like my dreams and hopes were crushed without even giving them a chance. It’s really hard to let go of someone who means so much to you. Even though he’s proved I don’t mean that much to him. It still sucks.

 

Tomorrow is Sunday and I will see him but most likely only from a far. I won’t make contact with him. I will try to not even look at him. But he will be there.

 

People say time heals wounds. I think time is making them worse.

[Beachead]

I’m really not well. I have zero interest in doing anything. I can’t seem to motivate myself to want to do anything at all. This isn’t a breakup but I feel it’s worse somehow. Like my dreams and hopes were crushed without even giving them a chance. It’s really hard to let go of someone who means so much to you. Even though he’s proved I don’t mean that much to him. It still sucks.

 

Tomorrow is Sunday and I will see him but most likely only from a far. I won’t make contact with him. I will try to not even look at him. But he will be there.

 

People say time heals wounds. I think time is making them worse.

 

It's only been a few weeks for you OP. Things are fresh. It can take a minimum of a few months to just let go of the hope. You won't feel much of time's benefit right now. A more realistic evaluation would be a year from now.

 

https://www.change-management-coach.com/kubler-ross.html

 

Give that link a read. It describes how we generally grieve and the process. The more aware you become of yourself and the way you deal with your grief, the more you can choose the things that help make the process easier and discard those that do not.

 

Ps. If it is possible, I would avoid not being in the same places as this guy. Seeing him will tear open your healing wounds.

 

- Beach

Edited July 28, 2018 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

It's only been a few weeks for you OP. Things are fresh. It can take a minimum of a few months to just let go of the hope. You won't feel much of time's benefit right now. A more realistic evaluation would be a year from now.

 

https://www.change-management-coach.com/kubler-ross.html

 

Give that link a read. It describes how we generally grieve and the process. The more aware you become of yourself and the way you deal with your grief, the more you can choose the things that help make the process easier and discard those that do not.

 

Ps. If it is possible, I would avoid not being in the same places as this guy. Seeing him will tear open your healing wounds.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks for the link. I’ll give it a read.

 

A year?! Not sure I can take another minute of this. I wish I could just shake it off.

 

Also, about seeing him. We attend the same church. We were both saved, baptized and brought up in that church and neither of us will ever leave it.

[preraph]

Go to different services. Don't use that as an excuse that you HAVE to see him.

[Beachead]

Thanks for the link. I’ll give it a read.

 

A year?! Not sure I can take another minute of this. I wish I could just shake it off.

 

Also, about seeing him. We attend the same church. We were both saved, baptized and brought up in that church and neither of us will ever leave it.

 

Don't we all. Unfortunately it's not easy. Can't force healing. It's a process that you simply have to ride out. Having said that, if you take care of yourself and stop engaging in the things that are causing those healing wounds to reopen, you will get through it faster. If not, those crappy feelings you've been feeling yesterday and today will stick around for years.

 

It's like a broken bone. You'll have to lay off what will will risk further injury to it and rest. In the meantime, the doctors will probably give you some exercises to do to help you along the way for 100% recovery.

 

So just as there are exercises for physical injuries, there are exercises for the emotional injuries, to help it recover.

 

- Beach

[Madd_hatter]

There are 2 services and he attends them both. He’s actually on the choir. So avoiding him in church is impossible. He’s right up there front and center.

[stillafool]

Go to another church. God will be there also and that is all that matters.

[Beachead]

There are 2 services and he attends them both. He’s actually on the choir. So avoiding him in church is impossible. He’s right up there front and center.

 

I have to agree, you need to switch to a different church.

 

I had to pull away from a lot of people I knew and often saw at parties, sport meets etc. after my ex and I broke up and she went back to her ex. Because of the mutual friends we had, I knew I would bump into her again or have to hear about her all the time and I knew this wasn't good for me. It wasn't easy. I had to sacrifice for my well-being. It was either stay around all these people, constantly having my healing heart torn apart everytime they would mention her or put distance and focus on myself.

 

It was a good move for me. I'm better for it.

 

These are the kinds of tough decisions you'll have to make in order to achieve your objective.

 

- Beach

[Madd_hatter]

Amen, stillafool, you’re right. But I love my church and I’m happy there.

 

Also I must admit, a part of me doesn’t want to leave because of him. Aside from church I’d never ever get to see him at all.

 

I know it sounds like I don’t want to get better but I assure you I do. I know I’ll never be with him, I’ve accepted that, but I can’t be without him. I think of my life without him in it and it feels so empty. So lonely. It’s not a life i want to live.

 

If I could just push my feelings aside, I’d be able to be his friend and I’ll be okay with that. I have to have some part of him. Any little bit will do.

 

Reading what I’ve written sounds so pathetic to myself. Please tell me I’m not the only one whose ever felt this desperate. I feel like I can’t breath without him and it’s a scary feeling. I’m so overwhelmed with these feelings of missing him and wanting him.

 

Why won’t he just call? Why won’t he come for me? I’m going absolutely insane about this. I feel so suffocated I just want to scream.

 

Nothing is helping.

[Beachead]

Amen, stillafool, you’re right. But I love my church and I’m happy there.

 

Also I must admit, a part of me doesn’t want to leave because of him. Aside from church I’d never ever get to see him at all.

 

I know it sounds like I don’t want to get better but I assure you I do. I know I’ll never be with him, I’ve accepted that, but I can’t be without him. I think of my life without him in it and it feels so empty. So lonely. It’s not a life i want to live.

 

If I could just push my feelings aside, I’d be able to be his friend and I’ll be okay with that. I have to have some part of him. Any little bit will do.

 

Reading what I’ve written sounds so pathetic to myself. Please tell me I’m not the only one whose ever felt this desperate. I feel like I can’t breath without him and it’s a scary feeling. I’m so overwhelmed with these feelings of missing him and wanting him.

Why won’t he just call? Why won’t he come for me? I’m going absolutely insane about this. I feel so suffocated I just want to scream.

 

Nothing is helping.

 

You know why.

 

Now does that mean you two can never be friends ever again? No. It is certainly possible but first, you'll have to get over your feelings and let him go along with the idea of being with him and learn to be happy without him, and then if there is something meaningful there..you two, by the forces of connection will find your way back to eachother.

 

Don't feel pathetic. There are tons of people who've come and gone on LS who've felt as you have. I have been where you are and felt what you've felt as well..many times. My advice isn't crap. I've been there in the storm, clutching my chest every night, looking at my phone, 3am in the morning wondering when the pain would stop. I'm telling you how I got through these experiences.

 

- Beach

Edited July 29, 2018 by Beachead

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Why wonÂ’t he just call? Why wonÂ’t he come for me?.

 

You want the honest truth? He won't call or see you now because he is in love with another woman, who he is engaged to, and he is sh*ting himself right now for fear that he is going to be exposed as a lying, cheating jerk to his fiancee and the entire congregation. His reputation will be in tatters. He is at risk of losing everything that matters to him.

 

Right now, you are a huge threat to him. You could expose him for being a fraud. He may feel some amount of guilt for what he did to her, but mostly fear. If it comes down to it, he will turn on you in a heartbeat to save himself. There is so much at stake for him, and it is much easier to blame you. Women are more likely to be shamed and ostracized in these types of situations.

 

Although you didn't ask, I feel compelled to say that covering for him and pretending to be friends with his future wife after having sex with him is really low, but that is your call to make. You have to live with that.

 

I understand the intensity of your feelings and why you gave in to temptation, but you have to try and look at the reality of the situation and the repercussions of your actions. It isn't just about you and him anymore. It is about his partner, your church, his reputation, and your reputation.

 

They need to factor into your decision of what you do next. I agree with the others who suggested that attending a new church might be a good idea.

 

I hope you find the strength to pull away from this mess before things get any worse.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can’t be without him. I think of my life without him in it and it feels so empty. So lonely. It’s not a life i want to live.

 

If I could just push my feelings aside, I’d be able to be his friend and I’ll be okay with that. I have to have some part of him. Any little bit will do.

 

Reading what I’ve written sounds so pathetic to myself. Please tell me I’m not the only one whose ever felt this desperate. I feel like I can’t breath without him and it’s a scary feeling. I’m so overwhelmed with these feelings of missing him and wanting him.

 

 

You're young and inxperienced and this is all you know. That's why you think this is all there is. But, you're wrong. If you would just get out there and experience other people you will believe us.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You want the honest truth? He won't call or see you now because he is in love with another woman, who he is engaged to, and he is sh*ting himself right now for fear that he is going to be exposed as a lying, cheating jerk to his fiancee and the entire congregation. His reputation will be in tatters. He is at risk of losing everything that matters to him.

 

Right now, you are a huge threat to him. You could expose him for being a fraud. He may feel some amount of guilt for what he did to her, but mostly fear. If it comes down to it, he will turn on you in a heartbeat to save himself. There is so much at stake for him, and it is much easier to blame you. Women are more likely to be shamed and ostracized in these types of situations.

 

This is so true. OP, you're overcome with feelings of "love" and longing and missing him (and romanticizing who he actually is). He's overcome with fear of being caught banging you. That's all. You deserve better than that.

[Beachead]

You want the honest truth? He won't call or see you now because he is in love with another woman, who he is engaged to, and he is sh*ting himself right now for fear that he is going to be exposed as a lying, cheating jerk to his fiancee and the entire congregation. His reputation will be in tatters. He is at risk of losing everything that matters to him.

 

Right now, you are a huge threat to him. You could expose him for being a fraud. He may feel some amount of guilt for what he did to her, but mostly fear. If it comes down to it, he will turn on you in a heartbeat to save himself. There is so much at stake for him, and it is much easier to blame you. Women are more likely to be shamed and ostracized in these types of situations.

 

Although you didn't ask, I feel compelled to say that covering for him and pretending to be friends with his future wife after having sex with him is really low, but that is your call to make. You have to live with that.

 

I understand the intensity of your feelings and why you gave in to temptation, but you have to try and look at the reality of the situation and the repercussions of your actions. It isn't just about you and him anymore. It is about his partner, your church, his reputation, and your reputation.

 

They need to factor into your decision of what you do next. I agree with the others who suggested that attending a new church might be a good idea.

 

I hope you find the strength to pull away from this mess before things get any worse.

 

This hit home. I agree

[Madd_hatter]

So last night I felt like I couldnÂ’t be alone. I missed him like crazy and almost called him 10 times. I didnÂ’t though.

 

So I called the guy IÂ’ve kinda been talking to. He came over, we talked for a while and then ended up sleeping together. It was good but I couldnÂ’t help but feel like it was wrong. HeÂ’s not the one for me and I know it.

 

Still, it was nice not being alone. I will admit I kept thinking of you know who most of the time.

[Happy Lemming]

So I called the guy IÂ’ve kinda been talking to. He came over, we talked for a while and then ended up sleeping together. It was good but I couldnÂ’t help but feel like it was wrong. HeÂ’s not the one for me and I know it.

 

Why don't you give the new guy a chance... If nothing else, you made him feel special and wanted. Nothing "wrong" with that.

 

Still, it was nice not being alone.

 

Yet another reason to give this new guy a chance. He made you feel "nice" & "wanted"... Nobody, says you have to stay with the new guy for a "long term relationship" but for the short term, have fun... Go out for ice cream with him... Do fun things around town.

 

I will admit I kept thinking of you know who most of the time.

 

That will fade with time...

 

Just my two cents...

[Madd_hatter]

Update.

 

He called me today. Asking if I’d be in church. I told him I would. He asked how I was doing and I asked how he was. We talked for about maybe under a minute. I didn’t harp on it at all. I was actually proud of myself.

 

Saw him in church and I felt him looking at me. That’s the most that happened though. Didn’t talk or anything like that. Just looking.

 

I think I’m feeling better. I don’t feel so suffocated by my feelings. I mean they’re still there. But I don’t feel like dying inside anymore.

[preraph]

Sounds like one of his church jobs is calling people to get them to come to the service.

[Madd_hatter]

Sounds like one of his church jobs is calling people to get them to come to the service.

 

I was thinking the same. Still, he hasn’t called me the previous weeks. Anywho, I’m taking it day by day. I seem to be a little better today. I still miss him a lot and can’t stop hoping for him to come after me. But I’m not so bad as I was the last few days.

 

I think his fiancé is sick. That’s what I’ve heard. She was in a car accident around a month ago. Not a bad one, but it banged her up pretty badly. It gave her some kind of spine problem like a disc or something. She also had fibromyalgia

[JuneL]

Update.

 

He called me today. Asking if I’d be in church. I told him I would. He asked how I was doing and I asked how he was. We talked for about maybe under a minute. I didn’t harp on it at all. I was actually proud of myself.

 

Saw him in church and I felt him looking at me. That’s the most that happened though. Didn’t talk or anything like that. Just looking.

 

I think I’m feeling better. I don’t feel so suffocated by my feelings. I mean they’re still there. But I don’t feel like dying inside anymore.

 

Sounds like both of you are pretty active in your church. Does your church condone cheating?

[Happy Lemming]

I think his fiancé is sick. That’s what I’ve heard. She was in a car accident around a month ago. Not a bad one, but it banged her up pretty badly. It gave her some kind of spine problem like a disc or something. She also had fibromyalgia

 

I could be wrong here, but I just can't help thinking you are his "Justin Case" person. A "Justin Case" person is someone who you keep at arm's length as like a friend, "just in case" it doesn't work out with your primary person. He would have a soft place to land.

 

Do you think he called you to keep you in that "backup" role, if he decides that fiancee' isn't worth the hassle and her medical problems are too great to deal with long term?? Just a guess, though.

 

Personally, I'd block him... You are healing, feeling better, you saw a new guy who seems like he likes you. Things are getting good, why do you want to relapse back into that awful abyss you were in a couple of weeks ago.

[Madd_hatter]

Sounds like both of you are pretty active in your church. Does your church condone cheating?

 

No of course not.

 

Is it wrong to sleep or be with a man in a relationship with someone else? Yes, very much so. But my feelings for him have been there since we were both kids.

 

It was a mistake on my part. No one is perfect. I am asking God to remove those adulterous feelings and thoughts from me.