Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[preraph]

I think your world is so small and isolated that this drama is the most excitement you've ever had and you want to keep it going no matter if it's right or wrong or positive or negative. If you got out into the bigger world, you'd have no reason to focus on this for so long. If this guy wanted you, he'd have done something about it long ago instead of giving in to your chasing him right before he got engaged as his last fling. I'm sure he's horrified you were a virgin and thought since you were so aggressive chasing him that there's no way you would be and that maybe all you wanted was sex. Then he found out you're obsessed, not just horny, and that he made a big mistake having sex with you. He's trying to keep up appearances, but he knows you're volatile and could mess his whole life up over this.

 

So are you going to his wedding if invited? I hope he has better sense than to invite you. If your parents knew what you were up to, they'd be very upset with you.

[Madd_hatter]

Imagine wanting something your whole life. Wanting it so bad you dream of it every single night. You pray for it to happen in every prayer. It’s the only thing you’ve ever really wanted. You feel it was meant to happen. You feel it was made for you. Ok, got it?

 

Now imagine not being able to have it. Imagine the whole world telling you everything you’ve ever dreamed of since you were a kid, was wrong. Imagine getting a taste of it,...but then losing it completely. Please imagine if these things actually happening to you.

 

Now, how would you feel?

[Madd_hatter]

They did invite me to the wedding. I don’t think I could be able to contain myself in that situation though.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Imagine wanting something your whole life. Wanting it so bad you dream of it every single night. You pray for it to happen in every prayer. It’s the only thing you’ve ever really wanted. You feel it was meant to happen. You feel it was made for you. Ok, got it?

 

Now imagine not being able to have it. Imagine the whole world telling you everything you’ve ever dreamed of since you were a kid, was wrong. Imagine getting a taste of it,...but then losing it completely. Please imagine if these things actually happening to you.

 

Now, how would you feel?

 

This seems a bit dramatic, but I guess par for the course for a first love. The first cut is the deepest, after all.

 

You don't believe us, but you will meet someone else again. Maybe even someone who can be faithful.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

They did invite me to the wedding. I don’t think I could be able to contain myself in that situation though.

 

What do you mean? What do you think you'd do?

 

He's got balls inviting you to the wedding!

[losangelena]

I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to be losing him. He makes me happy. Why do I always have to be on the losing side?

 

Having good days and bad days. These have been a couple of bad ones. Miss him like crazy. I feel like I need him so badly right now. I just want to hold him and place my head on his chest.

 

Yes he’s made mistakes. Who hasn’t? Seriously, no one else in the whole world has done a shi**y thing ever before? Come on.

 

He’s a nice guy. I refuse to judge him from that one crappy thing. He’s done a lot of good too.

 

Do you know how juvenile you sound? Completely selfish and childish. You don't want to let him go? Too bad, grow up. He's a man about to get married, and you refuse to get out of the way for his fiancé. How would you like it if you were engaged to a man, and some other woman was obsessively clinging onto him? You'd be pretty upset, I'm sure. What you're doing, refusing to move on, is completely unloving and utterly despicable.

 

Get a grip on yourself and your life. You need professional help, and a lot of it.

 

I was in a similar situation to you many years ago. I was in a codependent relationship with a guy who I was convinced I couldn't live without. It wasn't until I realized how unloving it was to hold on so tightly, that I started to admit that I needed to let him go. If I really cared about this person, and wanted what was best for him (instead of what I wanted for myself), that meant that I was going to have to step away from him and remove myself from his life.

 

Ask yourself that question—do you want to truly do right by others, or do you want to continue to live a self-centered life that will eventually hurt others? You think staying in this couple's life is harmless, because you can't let this guy go, but your proximity will eventually cause problems, because you're unwilling to be honest about why you're there. You don't want to be his friend, you want more. His soon-to-be wife will catch on, if she hasn't already, and problems will arise.

 

You're in for a long-haul healing. Once I stepped away from my guy, I continued to have intrusive thoughts about him for years, and I didn't have to worry about seeing him regularly. Your codependency is a symptom of deeper psychological issues, and a good therapist will help you through that. You're making twice as much money now, so it's time to invest in yourself. There is life on the other side of this, and apart from this man. He is not "good." He used you and cheated on the woman he supposedly loves. You're both selfish and both have a lot of growing to do. But get yourself away from this couple. It's the least you can do.

[losangelena]

Imagine wanting something your whole life. Wanting it so bad you dream of it every single night. You pray for it to happen in every prayer. It’s the only thing you’ve ever really wanted. You feel it was meant to happen. You feel it was made for you. Ok, got it?

 

Now imagine not being able to have it. Imagine the whole world telling you everything you’ve ever dreamed of since you were a kid, was wrong. Imagine getting a taste of it,...but then losing it completely. Please imagine if these things actually happening to you.

 

Now, how would you feel?

 

Again, who cares? You sound like a little kid who didn't get her dream toy on Christmas morning.

 

We can't always get what we want in life. Part of maturing is understanding and accepting that, processing those feelings, and moving on. Not turning your unrequited desires into unhealthy obsession.

[Madd_hatter]

What do you mean? What do you think you'd do?

 

He's got balls inviting you to the wedding!

 

Probably cry my eyes out and make a complete fool of myself.

[Whodatdog]

Its your choice if you want to be miserable the rest of your life. Have at it. But its not a choice of you letting go of him or not, because he's already let go of you. He doesnt want you, he found what he wants.

 

Life is not wanting things, and whining and crying because you dont get them. Its about being adult, and realizing if the path you think you want doesnt work out, then theres another path for you, and as long as you stomp your feet and cry like a child and not move on, then you will never find whats out there for you. Your choice.

[Beachead]

Imagine wanting something your whole life. Wanting it so bad you dream of it every single night. You pray for it to happen in every prayer. It’s the only thing you’ve ever really wanted. You feel it was meant to happen. You feel it was made for you. Ok, got it?

 

Now imagine not being able to have it. Imagine the whole world telling you everything you’ve ever dreamed of since you were a kid, was wrong. Imagine getting a taste of it,...but then losing it completely. Please imagine if these things actually happening to you.

 

Now, how would you feel?

 

So this is being happy huh?

[preraph]

Imagine wanting something your whole life. Wanting it so bad you dream of it every single night. You pray for it to happen in every prayer. It’s the only thing you’ve ever really wanted. You feel it was meant to happen. You feel it was made for you. Ok, got it?

 

Now imagine not being able to have it. Imagine the whole world telling you everything you’ve ever dreamed of since you were a kid, was wrong. Imagine getting a taste of it,...but then losing it completely. Please imagine if these things actually happening to you.

 

Now, how would you feel?

 

I'd realize it was never meant to happen and that you are in love with a person in your head who doesn't exist. The man of your dreams would love you back. He doesn't. He's not the person in your dreams. You're refusing to face reality. In real life, we don't always get what we want. Everyone has wanted someone they couldn't have. That other person has a say in it. It's not fate that you be together. It's just you wishing it. To him, his fiance is his destiny, if he even believes in destiny. You have wasted this much of your life chasing a nonreality. It's time you stopped wasting your time.

[preraph]

They did invite me to the wedding. I don’t think I could be able to contain myself in that situation though.

 

You should not go, and your parents are going to wonder why.

 

I tell you what, in your small community, if this leaks out, it's going to blow up in your face and you're going to be a pariah. I was surprised you said you'd told your friends. In a small town like that, if everyone doesn't know by now, including the fiance, I'd be very surprised.

 

In your first post, you said he never had interest in you like that, but you didn't accept it. We all agree he shouldn't have had token sex with you, but he did because he thought that's what you wanted and probably thought you were seeking sex from other guys as well and weren't a virgin. You said yourself he always knew you'd sleep with him at the drop of a hat. That's no way to be with someone who has come out and told you, I'm not interested in you that way.

Edited August 19, 2018 by preraph

[Happy Lemming]

Imagine wanting something your whole life.

 

Its great to have dreams or goals, but they have to be attainable. You don't control all the variables in your dream, so you don't have control of the outcome.

 

A couple of years ago I received a great bit of advice from an enlightened man from India... He told me "Control the controllables" A very simple phrase, but it allowed me to release some issues I was having, as I didn't control all of the variables.

 

You can't control what this gentleman wants and he wants to marry a different person, so your goal/dream is unattainable.

 

Time to make a new dream... release your old one.

 

I am sorry you are still hurting...

[Madd_hatter]

I know I should stay away from him. I know I need to stay away from him. But I don’t want to. At all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know I should stay away from him. I know I need to stay away from him. But I don’t want to. At all.

 

I feel the same way about Oreos.

 

Sometimes it sucks being a grownup.

[stillafool]

Well 20 years down the road when you're an old woman and he and his wife have kids, possibly grand kids being one big happy family while you sit alone; you're going to wish you had those 20 years back to give to a man who may have wanted you back then. You'd better wake up from your fantasy because this man has chosen the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and is moving forward with his life.

[Madd_hatter]

I feel like no one understands. I don’t even fully understand it. I want to get over him, I do. But at the same time I’m scared to get over him. I don’t want to lose him. I know, I’ve already lost him, I know. But if I could just hold on to his friendship, I could still be around him. I know this isn’t a healthy way of thinking. I can’t be without him any longer. Even knowing I’ll never be with him romantically, I still want him around me.

[Beachead]

I feel like no one understands. I don’t even fully understand it. I want to get over him, I do. But at the same time I’m scared to get over him. I don’t want to lose him. I know, I’ve already lost him, I know. But if I could just hold on to his friendship, I could still be around him. I know this isn’t a healthy way of thinking. I can’t be without him any longer. Even knowing I’ll never be with him romantically, I still want him around me.

 

Again with the "friendship" huh?

 

Haven't you noticed that there isn't anything friendly happening here?

 

You're a mess over him, he avoids you, he hasn't told his wife the truth and you stay near them in hopes their marriage will crumble with him returning to be with you. You're rooting for their marriage to fail.

 

I think you're afraid to face your future because you don't believe you could survive it, so you cling to what's comfortable and familiar in your past, to avoid thinking about it. The fact that his presence is not good for you and you would still rather hurt yourself just to be close to him shows how powerful that fear is. It also tells me that you have an underlying lack of self-worth and confidence. You need to work on that or it's going to put you in positions like this over and over again.

 

If you want to get over him, then the first step is to get out of the warm deceptive comforts of denial and face your reality.

 

- Beach

Edited August 23, 2018 by Beachead

[nospam99]

I feel the same way about Oreos.

 

Sometimes it sucks being a grownup.

 

LOL@CO ... and pizza .... and ice cream .... and chocolate mousse cake

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I feel like no one understands. I don’t even fully understand it. I want to get over him, I do. But at the same time I’m scared to get over him. I don’t want to lose him. I know, I’ve already lost him, I know. But if I could just hold on to his friendship, I could still be around him. I know this isn’t a healthy way of thinking. I can’t be without him any longer. Even knowing I’ll never be with him romantically, I still want him around me.

 

We do understand. And most of us are old enough to be your parents or even grandparents. But, you're not listening to our advice even though we've been through many breakups in our lives.

[preraph]

Listen, his future wife is no fool. Women know when someone is after their man. She's not going to put up with you being "friends" with him. I'm sure it's clear to her you want him. She's not going to let you hang around.

[stillafool]

Oh Brother are you right Preraph, his wife most certainly does feel your energy when you are around them and you will not be allowed to be his friend. Once they are married you will see how he distances himself from you. I'm sure she isn't the only one who can see that you are grieving for this man. You need to go to another church for your own sanity. Better yet, it would be wise to get into therapy to help you accept his upcoming wedding.

[Madd_hatter]

The thought of her finding out does scare me. I’m not scared of her but I’m scared if she finds out how I feel about him she will totally stop him from ever seeing me again.

 

I know that would be for the best but it’s my fear. Call me crazy and immature all you want, I don’t think I can make it without him. I think of him all the time. I dream of him almost every night. It’s not just in my head. I love him.

 

I’d appreciate if you’d stop comparing my love for him to Oreos. It’s disrespectful and very condescending.

[Beachead]

The thought of her finding out does scare me. I’m not scared of her but I’m scared if she finds out how I feel about him she will totally stop him from ever seeing me again.

 

I know that would be for the best but it’s my fear. Call me crazy and immature all you want, I don’t think I can make it without him. I think of him all the time. I dream of him almost every night. It’s not just in my head. I love him.

 

I’d appreciate if you’d stop comparing my love for him to Oreos. It’s disrespectful and very condescending.

 

It's not your feelings that's your problem OP. It's your refusal to deal with your situation. I know all too well why you are doing that to yourself which is how I know you'll probably end up doing a number on yourself before you catch your heart up to what your mind knows.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Beachead

[preraph]

The thought of her finding out does scare me. I’m not scared of her but I’m scared if she finds out how I feel about him she will totally stop him from ever seeing me again.

 

I know that would be for the best but it’s my fear. Call me crazy and immature all you want, I don’t think I can make it without him. I think of him all the time. I dream of him almost every night. It’s not just in my head. I love him.

 

I’d appreciate if you’d stop comparing my love for him to Oreos. It’s disrespectful and very condescending.

 

You're obsessed. If you really loved him, you'd do everything you could to get out of the way of his upcoming marriage because you'd be wanting him to have what makes him happy instead of hoping to obstruct.

 

My guess is if you already told friends about this, in that small a town, she already knows. Plus chances are he has already had to explain you to her which was designed to put down her antennae but in real life, probably only made her antennae go way up.

 

He hasn't made any attempts to see you, so I don't know why you're already going to blame her if he stops seeing you, which he already has. My take is he's being civil at church because he hopes it will keep you from making a scene.

 

You're not going to be able to be with this guy. He's getting married. He doesn't love you. You are not predestined. No wife is going to put up with you and I think if he had the option, he'd cut you off right now but is afraid you'll just make a big embarrassing mess if you get any more upset with him.

 

If you can't face reality, that's a job for a real therapist, but since you are so inseparable from your church, then you should certainly talk to your priest about this since it's obviously against everything you've been taught and seek guidance from him.