From friendship to long distance love. Trying to figure this out!

[Joan621]

Over the last several months, I have connected with someone who was a dear, platonic friend of mine for the last ten years. We met when I had left home for school and stayed in touch sporadically after I moved back home. I went through a very hard breakup with someone I was with for a long time and after that was over, I went back to this town to visit friends and when I saw him, something clicked - it literally felt like a light switch was turned on because here was someone I never felt any attraction to suddenly lighting some flame inside me I never knew I had. All I wanted to do was talk with him all night, and we couldn't stop looking into each other's eyes. My overly rational side told me not to waste my time because he is just a friend and maybe this is a fluke, but my gut told me this was good and I needed to run with it.

 

So we carry on by talking almost every day after I get home from that visit and I am amazed at how honest and open I can be with him. My prior relationship was one where I was constantly just trying to keep the other person happy and feeling taken for granted in response. We didn't discuss our feelings almost ever and when I did bring mine up, I felt judged. For the first time, I am feeling vulnerable and raw and I don't want to hold too much back. He is a completely different person than my ex. He gives and appreciates and is just very loving. He is also a single father to boot and has done an amazing job with his son. The advantage I have is that we were friends for so long so I know this is who he is. I know his past. I know what he went through when his son's mother got pregnant and how she took him through the ringer. I saw him grow tremendously into a loving father. I saw on a daily basis his kindness and respect for others. Nothing is different about him - I am the one who is different for seeing him in a new light. We decided to visit each other a few times over the last few months and the chemistry I feel with him is very intense. For the first time in my life, I am looking at someone and knowing, not thinking, that I really want that person in my life.

 

I am writing about this tonight because I am sad about the realities of this long distance situation. It was great when it was just the friendship growing stronger because I wanted space and time to myself after the breakup and wanted to be good with me before moving on to a new relationship. I have come a million miles since that time and am at peace with the progress I made there. My heart is open to love again and it's really painful that the person I want to give that love to is so far away. We have discussed what the future could look like and obviously it boils down to one of us moving if we want to be together. My hangup is I left that city because I suffer from seasonal depression and have other physical issues from the weather and it was too far from my family. Ten years away from them was enough for me. I also can't find fulfilling work there. For him, he is not terribly close to his family there and he could find work where I live (albeit at less pay). The issue is we don't want to uproot his son, who is 10. He loves it here and I know kids are resilient, but it would it kill me if he couldn't adjust here or the relationship didn't work out. We also have to deal with his mother, who for the entire time I have known her has proven not to be a good person (and the guy would concur with that - long story.) She could care less to be much of a mom (she chooses to only see her son once a week and is the type to pick partying over him), but she will make sure he can't leave the state if it is something that will make his dad happy. She already made a lame attempt to sabotage this relationship when it started. Fortunately she really doesn't have much control there, but she does with her son and she will exercise it when the time comes.

 

Given all of this, my approach has been not to rush any of this. His son can pick in two years where he wants to go and it may be worth the wait. I just don't know how to tough out the wait. I am almost 40 and interested in starting a family, and while my last relationship had a lot of problems, I did generally value companionship and having someone around. It almost seems worse to have this long distance connection because if I didn't have anyone, I think I could settle into this alone thing better - I was able to do it after the breakup and before my last relationship. It's just the prospect of knowing there is someone out there I want to share my life with, but I can't, that is making it hard. I feel a bit selfish by saying I won't go back, but I can say with 100% certainty (and after a lot of therapy addressing what was going on with me when I lived there) that it would be a terrible idea for my personal well-being. He knows me so well from when I lived there and from when I moved back that he has made it clear he would never ask me to come back because he knows it won't be good for me.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Ideas on how to make this work if I do have to tough it out for two years? I am sure some will think I should just end it and I do value hearing all sides of the equation, but I have to say my gut is telling me this guy is special...and I ignored my gut for most of my love life when I shouldn't have. Not saying I know for certain we will live happily ever after. But I am certain I will regret it if I just decide to call it quits now just because I am sad he is far away and I can't predict the future.

[BaileyB]

First things first, it is too soon to consider relocating for a relationship that is only a few months old (albeit, you have known each other longer). Perhaps, if you were younger or older and you had less responsibilities and less to lose, it would be a risk worth taking. But, not when you have a young child to consider.

 

That said, assuming that your relationship continues to progress and you decide to make the decision to be together... It's pretty difficult to find a solution when you are not able to move to be near him, and he doesn't want to uproot his son (which is, a very responsible and reasonable thing to decide). and, just because the son can decide in two years who he wants to live with doesn't mean that he will want, or it will be in his best interest, to move from his home, his school, and his friends.

 

Your options, at least in the short term, are date long distance or don't date.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. We would be buying a house and moving in together this summer except, he has a son who is beginning high school and the school backs onto his home. The two have no plans to move for the next four years. So, I wait. It's just what you do, because the best interest of the child is most important. At least, we live five minutes away from each other... I feel for you, this is a difficult position.

[Lotsgoingon]

So you're not going back to this town. So that much you are clear about. Totally fine ... There are places that I wouldn't want to move to.

 

Two, he likes where you live? ... am I getting that right? ... So that's a good thing. He can't move immediately but he likes where you live ... good!

 

Three ... you are jumping ahead ... past three or four steps and doing the "let-me-tangle-myself-up" move ... by saying ... Oh, even though he likes it here where I am ... maybe if he moved, he would be miserable ... and that would kill me ...

 

OK, three is a mess of illogic and panic. First of all if he moves, he's responsible for his life ... and he's deciding he selfishly wants to move ... he's not some martyr ... you do your best ... if he's miserable, then the relationship can end right there ... He hasn't ruined his life by moving and the new place not working out ... He will have made a valiant effort to pursue love. Partners move for relationships all the time ... so #three is a mess. Ignore that stuff.

 

Four, the tantalizing ache of the long-distance love (so seemingly close by phone, etc ... but so humanly far) is actually greater at times than the joy of the long-distance connection. Totally reasonable.

 

Five, you think that being alone ... ending the long-distance relationship might actually bring more peace ... even though you would be alone ... Which suggests you feel pulled in two directions now ... at least being single, you wouldn't be pulled apart this way ... Brilliant insight.

 

You know ... there are times when for whatever reason, a relationship with someone--however wonderful they are and the relationship is--doesn't work out ... and sometimes you can take the love from the relationship, celebrate it, mourn its lack of total fulfillment but move on ... That's a very valid option.

 

Translation: allow yourself to think seriously about whether you would feel better breaking up. If the answer is really yes, then you want to break up. It's literally that simple. His feelings actually do not count here. You want to be in a relationship because selfishly it works for you and selfishly the other person concludes that it works for them as well.

 

We win no metals for suffering. And you don't redeem your hours of suffering for hours of pleasure if two years down the line somehow you get to the same city.

 

A friend of mine asks a variation of this question: if I wasn't worried about what anybody thought ... what would I really want to do? ... Challenge to you: let's push aside your bf's feelings ... if you didn't care what people thought, what would you want to do about this relationship?

 

I'll just say that deciding to break up is an honorable and healthy option based on how you describe being pulled in two directions, making it impossible for you to emotionally settle yourself.

 

And there's something almost sweet about breakups like this ... because truly they're the kinds of breakups that aren't about one person simply losing interest in the other, not feeling attracted to the other, etc. These are breakups brought about by "reality."

 

This is also the kind of breakup that someone who truly loves you ... would understand ... and respect. They'll feel sad of course, and wish the conditions weren't so ... but they will understand.

Edited July 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[shydad]

It's just the prospect of knowing there is someone out there I want to share my life with, but I can't, that is making it hard.

 

I have to say my gut is telling me this guy is special

Wow, this is really hard to read. You sound so great for each other. Lotsgoingon has always had solid advice in his posts I've read. Sometimes what's best isn't what we want to hear. I'm not quite sure what I think of this, though.

 

How many miles distance is between where you live and he lives?

[Joan621]

We are literally on opposite ends of the country. We have been successful thus far in seeing each other every 4-6 weeks without breaking the bank...thus far. We in fact just saw each other over this last weekend. I think we agree that every time we see each other, it just intensifies our feelings for one another.

 

I ultimately agree with BaileyB that his son is the priority. I could not be so selfish as to uproot him if it was not ultimately in his best interest. I know that his dad wants him to have a cohesive, loving family unit and he thinks I can provide that. But, regardless of how selfish mom is, she is still mom and his son loves her and it is a lot to ask a child to give that up.

 

I also agree with Lotsgoingon that if we have to part ways, it will be respectful and from a place of love. However, I do not want to break up with this man or lose him. If I worry about what other people think, then I would end it because there are loved ones in my life who think he is great, but are concerned about the logistics and worry I am putting off finding someone local. The thing is, I don't need to be with anyone right now. And I can't ignore feelings I have not had before and just toss them aside on blind faith that I will just find someone down the street and feel the same way. I don't believe in the one (clearly I loved someone else for a long time) and I know I am capable of finding another man to love if this ends, but just knowing that doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to end it...plus there's always the possibility I won't find someone that I love like this.

 

I think I need to see where this goes. I am going to feel sad at times. Frustrated at times. And elated at times.

 

I just presume a breaking point will occur for one of us and we will have to decide at that point?

[Lotsgoingon]

You sound really grounded and clear: clear on the logistics, clear on the challenges, clear on your feelings. Being grounded and clear is the goal--because from that place we can make good decisions.

 

I used to think I had to strategize this move or that move ahead of time ... and certainly thinking things through (which is one reason I come on this board) has great advantages. But these days I'm more of the view that the important point is that I aware of a full range of feelings and that I am grounded. If I'm grounded--as in I'm really honest, not desperate, not lost in fantasy, not paying attention too much to what others think--I can make good decisions in the moment.

 

And yes, I think things will become clear and there may be some breaking point ... but as long as you are grounded, you will be able to make a good decision or good decisions if and when the time comes.

[shydad]

I can't ignore feelings I have not had before and just toss them aside on blind faith that I will just find someone down the street and feel the same way.

Wow, what a great follow-up post! I didn't like hearing about how far the distance was, but loved the part quoted above. I find it really motivating to hear that you are seeing each other despite the distance.

 

I just presume a breaking point will occur for one of us and we will have to decide at that point?

I did re-read your original posting and would imagine at some point a brutally difficult decision will need to be made. I really want this to work. Given your feelings towards each other, it would be tragic for this not to work, but you both have deep roots in your communities. I feel envious of the relationship you have, but I'm not envious of the decision you will have to make... This is such a hard situation!

 

I think one possible option would be to stop seeing him every 4-6 weeks, move to him, and visit with your family every 4-6 weeks. You've proven you can afford to travel that often. Regarding not wanting to live in his city, determine a reasonable commuting drive radius, this will reveal choices for housing and employment.

[Joan621]

I have strongly considered moving back. The reason I left that city a few years ago was partly career/family driven, but it was also due to the fact that I was suffering from seasonal affective disorder pretty badly. That and a lot of pressure buildup in my ears and sinuses from the weather. Pretty much on a constant basis (dark and dreary over 300 days a year). I don't experience any of those issues at home and have been the healthiest I have been in years since I returned. He knows these issues and witnessed me going through my problems there and has said over and over he doesn't want to subject me to that again. I am also just really concerned that the effects on my health will negatively impact what we have to the extent that I will have a level of depression that is very hard to control. My other concern is that we seem on the same page that if we make this work, we may try to have a child together (Assuming I still can!) and that raises the health concerns, plus the desire to have my family nearby as they are incredibly supportive (And he would admit more present than his own). So challenging!!! Trust me, I love his son so much that I haven't completely written off going back, but these are the issues I am grappling with.

[shydad]

His son can pick in two years where he wants to go and it may be worth the wait.

 

Ideas on how to make this work if I do have to tough it out for two years?

The details of this situation are brutal. I re-read the original posting and noticed the parts quoted above. This sounds like a valid option, which could work. However, I'd like to caution you in putting your future in the hands of a child. You're assuming that the child will want to choose to move away from his mother. Love is a powerful emotion, especially for one's parents. Also, there will need to be a detailed plan of how his relationship would continue with his mom.

[Joan621]

Yeah I suppose I wasn't terribly clear on the downside of the two-year plan, which is that he may not want to leave his mother. If things carried on as they have the first ten years of his life, he will undoubtedly want to live with his dad. He is catching on to a lot of his mother's issues and disinterest, and he truly has a beautiful relationship with dad. BUT most of us love our parents unconditionally, particularly when we are children, and two more years also means friendships strengthened, new ones emerging, comfort in school, etc. It's a lot easier for an adult to walk away from that stuff knowing he/she can always go back. I had to leave my home when I was 7 and my older brother was 10 and it felt like the worst thing in the world at the time. Looking back, it clearly worked out just fine and we weren't traumatized, but that's clarity that comes with age (and we didn't leave a parent).

 

 

We briefly discussed how it would look with mom if his son came here (visitation wise), and the crazy thing is that we are convinced she would rather see him once a week, knowing she can hand him off when she has "better" things to do, than have an entire summer and school breaks with him, which would add up to more time than she has now. He wants this to work so badly he even proposed trying to convince her to move too since she doesn't have a stable career or anything out there, but I think that's incredibly unrealistic and ultimately a terrible idea, especially if she ends up in a rut out here (and I think he knows that too - just grasping at straws).

 

So, maybe he doesn't choose dad if it means leaving his home state. Then what? That is the big unknown...Maybe that will be the breaking point, assuming things continue to go well otherwise. Maybe I will suck it up and try going back. So hard to say, so we live in the moment for now and appreciate that we are having this beautiful connection. I think it's worth having the experience, knowing it could be doomed in the long term, than to not have it at all.

[shydad]

we are convinced she would rather see him once a week...than have an entire summer and school breaks with him

How about this? You could propose unlimited phone calls, video calls, etc, plus a limited quantity of paid airfare for the mom to visit OR the son to visit her (her choice). To really sweeten the pot, you could offer the airfare in conjunction with major holidays (alternated yearly, of course).

 

we live in the moment for now and appreciate that we are having this beautiful connection. I think it's worth having the experience, knowing it could be doomed in the long term, than to not have it at all.

I can't seem to get enough of messages like this. The story of your love is beautiful and desperately needs a happy ending. Confession time: I love chick flicks, and often am in tears at the end. I really want your story to work out.