Dumper's remorse

[guest569]

To those who think that the dumper is a cold, cruel robot with no empathy, that they dump you and don't even care, don't feel pain, you're wrong.

[cooldude123]

Smiley1,

 

I really understand the concern you have. I am the dumpee in the relationship and my ex was the dumper. I was dumped after a 6 year relationship. Ours was a sex starved marraige and my wife started having ridiculous doubts that I am living only for her money and went to an extent thinking that I was gay. In reality I was unable to physically connect to her due many of my unresolved psychological issues as well as her issues which was stopping her.

 

Remember this. Despite all the above, I was in the same exact situation where your ex was and cared so much for my spouse, that she saw every positive thing I did with a negative intention. This is not a disease or some mental imbalance. But If the relationship gets one sided, ultimately down the line the other person starts moving out while the dumpee will have no idea.

 

I can imagine the kind of hurt your ex went through of being hurt. Trust me he is DEFINITELY HEART BROKEN! He went through days and nights of memories and good times of the past relationship. When at nights he slept he only thought of the good things and he got your memories in his sub consious. He cried, he would be emotional upset and angry. But he would move on forecfully every day to think different. I and he are in very similar situation. My ex feels she made the right choice. I say she didn't. She was selfish. She didn't put in her efforts to understand and fix the relationship issues we had in the first place. She went ON and ON only about her pains as a victim. Didn't give any thought of the other half. Why? She has too much anger in her. Unresolved issues, nonsensical thoughts about her other half she DOES NOT TRUST for whatever reason. To this date i am baffled and dumbfounded. I can understand some of the issues why she is upset and angry but not all. I advised many a times that divorce is not the solution and we should talk and resolve. There were many faults of mine too. However, I was unable to connect to her physically or converse with her sensibly like adults because, something in her stops her from doing so. She thought Divorce is best and left me.

When I refused divorce on the last day she invited my friends and me to have a discussion with her family (Her parents). She insulted me in front of her friends and broke my heart. That was the last straw. I looked her in the eyes and said "WE ARE DONE". Never looked back and told her we cannot be in touch after divorce. Signed the papers in 2 days in the court and we are divorced. She was upset and i could see her emotional and watery eyes! But again that is not my decision. It felt like a huge burden off my shoulders. I bet she felt the same too. It may make her feel good for a long time and she may move on happily. Who knows. I sent her a text and thanked her for the 6 year marraige for which she replied she is always my "well wisher" (Nonsense BS!) Imagine the pain of throwing away a 6 yr marraige without resolving issues in a proper way and ultimately say that she wants to be my well wisher. A well wisher respects you for who you are. Does not insult you or does not demean you!

I blocked her from my phone and text except for email

 

After divorce she attempts to send me this -

Tried to contact me by whatsapp and cell.. number is blocked.. so she sends me an below email

 

I tried to reach you through whatsapp and also through your cell but i am unable to reach you. Looks like may be you have blocked me. Thats fine, i understand. you have all right to block me but I just wanted to know what is good way to reach you and inform after my health insurance gets changee as it may take sometime. Please let me know.

 

Also, wanted to let you know that I have no hard feelings for u and i am always ur wellwisher. I would be happy to know how u r doing and would be happy to keep in touch. But i would not disturb u if u dont want to hear from me.

 

I am sorry if I have hurt u knowingly or unknowingly but i never wished ur bad.

 

Take care

 

I responded -- Email is best to inform me regarding healthcare

 

 

She sends response - ok thanks

 

After about 20 min another email pops up from her -

 

I am not in your life anymore and i know it was my decision but if u ever feel you want to talk to me or have any anything in mind u want to share or ask me whether its ur anger or anything. I will always be there.

 

Wish u all the happiness and success in life

 

Take care

 

 

She even attempted to have a casual conversation with me and below is the exchange -

 

Ex:I had some question regarding insurance. Can u please call me? Thank you

 

Me: please send me the Q by email.

 

Ex: I wont distrub your peace, casually wanted to speak and ask some insurance question

 

Me: Its better we communicate through email going forward.. send ne your question here please

 

Ex: You may remove me from your health insurance.

 

 

Why all this when she decided, she is done and she wants to move on. Think about the damage you are causing by doing such things. Right or Wrong. A marraige is an institution where 2 people "In happiness or sick times" give their vows to be together. If you cannot handle that and you want to be in your own fantasy world like my ex "We are not right for each other" then you should make a decision and simply move on. Life is not a joke. Just like you my ex spoiled our lives, a good family with kids and challenges in the future. It hurts. It deeply hurts. You may never realize the pain but when you do, you are answerable to your own conscience!

 

However, In your situation i can tell you one thing. Your ex may be broken hearted. And you may have burnt every bridge that you could possibly think of in this relationship. When your ex loved you he did from his heart. He was not selfish. He loved you in your happiness and sick times. Pretty sure, he attempted to mend and work the relationship. Thats what dumppes (Men nostly) usually do. I am pretty sure your ex may have given up the past and may not be searching for answers like the way you are doing (cringing about the past and half minded about the decisions). However, he is definitely open minded enough to expect a communication from you and he will simply not decline your contact. You should possibly draft a true heart felt letter. Apologize where you really need to and send it to him with a CLEAR decision to give it a chance(Remember its him who needs to decide now. Not you!). If you don't want a chance with him, you may still send the letter with a hope that he would have read it. Take a leap of faith and be open minded and give it a chance to truly fix the issues you guys have faced. If he responds, well and good. If not you better stop your past $hit and move on like what your ex did. But do not bother him after this one time. My feeling is he would have probably moved on.

 

PS: A dumper will be in more pain most of the times because, the decision could be taken in anger or impulsive. A dumpee will have less regrests because he would have given every attempt from his heart to save the relationship and hardly left any "What IFs" . You are currently in the regret stage and may be down the line, you will come out of it and be happier.

 

Hope my above post helps you!

Edited July 16, 2018 by cooldude123

[guest569]

I'm not your ex though. Every situation is different and I have been dumped several times so I'm well aware of how it feels.

 

I feel that I tried to fix things but at the end of the day it was things about his personality that was hurting me. Things that I felt he could change or work on but would reappear. Does that mean I'm perfect? Of course not. But these are the issues that were make or break. I was at breaking point for a while and tried because at the same time I had hopes and dreams too. Beautiful visions for the future together, but always these concerns would surface.

Edited July 16, 2018 by smiley1

[guest569]

Also, we were together for a year and it was not a marriage. This time included us dating and getting to know each other and passing the honeymoon phase, getting to know how the other person lives.. Assessing whether or not I want to marry and spend a life time with him. Falling for him, figuring out if love is enough, voicing my concerns about issues, determining whether the issues are going to go away. I know he made an effort with some aspects but the rest he just wasn't going to change and I tried to convince myself otherwise.

[cooldude123]

I'm not your ex though. Every situation is different and I have been dumped several times so I'm well aware of how it feels.

 

I feel that I tried to fix things but at the end of the day it was things about his personality that was hurting me. Things that I felt he could change or work on but would reappear. Does that mean I'm perfect? Of course not. But these are the issues that were make or break. I was at breaking point for a while and tried because at the same time I had hopes and dreams too. Beautiful visions for the future together, but always these concerns would surface.

 

Could you please list all the concerns you had. My ex mentioned similar things Despite the fact that i showed i could chamge and I felt i had changed, she did not or does not want to see it. I feel your ex may have attempted but you have been seeing him through a narrow lens. He may have a different story to tell. Please list them so i can understand your point of view.

Edited July 16, 2018 by cooldude123

[guest569]

I don't think he wants anything to do with me anyway.

[cooldude123]

Did you get a chance to talk to him and he responded? Did you specifically ask him for a chance?

[marky00]

I don't think he wants anything to do with me anyway.

 

Sounds like he has handled the breakup very well. The way someone handles a breakup says a lot about their character. His silence is a favour to himself and you. He has respected your wishes and has or is most likely addressing some of the faults in himself he may have discovered.

[CKJD]

Sounds like he has handled the breakup very well. The way someone handles a breakup says a lot about their character. His silence is a favour to himself and you. He has respected your wishes and has or is most likely addressing some of the faults in himself he may have discovered.

 

 

I'm going to second this.

 

Smiley, the situation with your ex reminds me so much of what I am going through. I am in your ex's position, and what you have described is so eerily familiar that it makes me sad to think my ex would assume I didn't want to rekindle because of the successful implementation of a no contact regime on my part.

 

What your ex is doing might seem like he doesn't care but, more likely than not, he is playing it safe whilst giving you exactly what you asked for: space.

If he was a bit guarded when you spoke to him, don't assume it's because he doesn't care and instead see that he is managing the emotional pain as best as he can and trying to appeal to you without coming on too strong. I honestly think there's a very good chance he still loves you, but wants to work on himself so that you may find him attractive again someday.

 

If you do contact him again, don't assume a quick turn around on his part. There may be some hot and cold emotions, maybe even anger, but this is all part of the healing process for him. Also, you listed your resentments towards him in this thread so it is only fair that he might harbour some angst towards you, yes?

 

In my situation, a lot of the negative behaviours on my part were a result of me not coping with her professing so much love for me but refusing to take care of an abusive ex who wouldn't leave her alone. It was horrendous, and very hard to maintain all the attributes of an attractive partner with all the drama going on in the background. My anxiety became so out of control that I was preoccupied with my love for her, our commitment level, the horrible situation we were in, whether I was merely a rebound, whether she could be using me or cheating on me etc. etc. etc.

Self-confidence and other priorities (like housework) took a nosedive, and I soon became stubborn and impatient with what I wanted. I became unattractive to her and she realised that she was really not emotionally available for a relationship...with me at least.

 

Ask yourself, did you have any drama happening that may have fuelled his anxiety? Anything that could make it harder for him to get on with other priorities instead of becoming preoccupied with how you were feeling about him? Something that would drive this otherwise sweet guy into an emotional wreck? I'm not saying he's off-the-hook for his behaviour - like me, he needs to put on his big boy pants and learn how to manage his anxiety - but maybe the things you thought you were making clear were not so clear to him because of his state of mind.

[guest569]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies all. I kinda stopped updating as it's been a really tough time and I feel a bit judged and attacked for being a dumper.

 

Im going through all sorts of usual emotions and stages of grief that most people go through after a break up. And it sucks. Makes me wonder why I put myself through relationships as I hate hurting people and being hurt which is what happens most of the time.

 

I know that my ex has moved on and wants me to. What he is doing or what is going through his mind doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't love me anymore and I doubt he is working on faults or anything like that. I think he would rather blame me.

 

I think you made a good point about why he was getting stressed and lashing out. It definitely doesn't excuse it though and the outbursts were common and over reactions. So whatever the cause, it was unnecessary. I don't think it would be healthy for me to try to take any blame and change myself in order to stop someone from basically verbally abusing me and calling me names. It was just inexcusable and hurt me and I eventually realised enough is enough. I still think he is a good person and I love him, but he has moved on to a point where I suspect he is with someone else and doesn't love me anymore which makes me wonder if his love was ever true. But yeah I'm sure he still cares. But "move on" was what I had to hear to go away for good and let go of the sentimental crap.

[HiCrunchy]

Wait smiley. Did u talk to him and confirm this or are you assuming his silence as messages to move on?

 

If the relationship wasnt toxic and u feel the dumping was truly a mistake I think asking him if u can have a second chance isnt a bad thing. Just make sure u know what not to do the second time around and try to make sure the relationship doesnt fall back to it's old habits.

[guest569]

Hi Crunchy, he eventually responded. We didn't have a conversation as he is away but his message was clear (I've moved on)

Edited July 27, 2018 by smiley1

[marky00]

Why do you think he's not working on himself?

 

His actions post BU seems to be very respectful behavior, almost right out of the textbook as what someone should do when being dumped.

 

He hasn't blowed up your phone, he hasn't tried to make you feel guilty. He has left as you asked him to do. So if he had some issues during the relationship, sounds like he's done some things to work on that.

 

But I am confused here. You dumped him and now your saying you think you love him more than he loves you. If that's the case, why did you dump him? You mentioned he was verbally abusive but I assumed that was only happening towards the very end and since he isn't abusing you at all now, it doesn't sound like he's an abusive person in more general terms.

[guest569]

Why do you think he's not working on himself?

 

His actions post BU seems to be very respectful behavior, almost right out of the textbook as what someone should do when being dumped.

 

He hasn't blowed up your phone, he hasn't tried to make you feel guilty. He has left as you asked him to do. So if he had some issues during the relationship, sounds like he's done some things to work on that.

 

But I am confused here. You dumped him and now your saying you think you love him more than he loves you. If that's the case, why did you dump him? You mentioned he was verbally abusive but I assumed that was only happening towards the very end and since he isn't abusing you at all now, it doesn't sound like he's an abusive person in more general terms.

 

I don't really see your point. The outbursts happened throughout. Not at the very end. Anyway I'm done so I think we can close this thread.

[marky00]

I don't really see your point. The outbursts happened throughout. Not at the very end. Anyway I'm done so I think we can close this thread.

 

oh ok, I just wasn't sure if it was throughout the whole relationship or more of a thing as the relationship was on the rocks.

[guest569]

oh ok, I just wasn't sure if it was throughout the whole relationship or more of a thing as the relationship was on the rocks.

 

Even early on, they were outbursts, huge overreactions, where you just think 'what was that all about?'. The relationship was never 'on the rocks', I wouldn't say. It was just these things building up over time.

 

I feel that I did the right thing but it doesn't make it any easier. This breakup and my previous breakup, I felt like I was pushed into a corner where I just had to pull the pin to prevent being hurt anymore. So in a lot of ways I feel like the dumpee. I could have stayed, but I was hurt and fearful about future outbursts, a lazy one-sided sex life and me doing 100% of the housework and talking to a brick wall sometimes, he not really being supportive when I needed to talk about something i.e. death of a friend - 'that's no good. subject change'. It is hard to know whether you can change things, or if that means changing the other person. 'Take me as I am'. I don't think we should change our partner. But in most cases we do change for our partners to some extent. I was assessing throughout the relationship.. can I tolerate this, or should I leave? Will he change long-term or do I have to leave?They were sort of fine deal-breakers to me (I know that other people would have left immediately after facing what I did - but I stuck it out because I was super loyal and dedicated and wanted it to work even though I was fooling myself.. only because other aspects of the relationship were really good).

 

I'm actually so depressed and suicidal at the moment and struggling to get on and rebuild. When I started this thread, I was likely trying so hard to convince myself that we could get back together and live happily ever after - because I didn't want to face the grief anymore. It isn't a conscious thing - it just happens where false hope takes over and is so powerful that you forget about logic and forget why you were unhappy and why you left. You blame yourself and think the issues were petty and you overreacted and left over nothing. It wasn't true, I just can't let go. Saying goodbye in the moment is hard, but it stays hard for quite a long time afterwards. The breakup itself is only the start, and the grief lasts for months or years. I was hoping that there would be others on here who know where I am coming from who might be able to offer support.