Should I break up with my boyfriend before or after our scheduled vacation?

[cokewithlime]

I'm a 22-year-old female dating a 22-year-old male. We both just graduated from the same college and currently live in different states. I have been flirting with the idea of breaking up with him for a while, but I didn't make the conscious decision to until about a week or so ago. We have a vacation scheduled for July 20th to his hometown (which neither of us have paid for anything yet), and he's SO excited. He's been planning it for weeks, maybe even a month. We haven't seen each other in a very long time and he's so excited to see me, but I really know that I need to break up with him. The reasons aren't super relevant (but if you need more info I will clarify). All I know is that I do not want to be with him anymore.

 

To spare his feelings, should I:

A.) break up with him before the trip, knowing he's going to be devastated about the trip being canceled that he's been planning for weeks?

B.) break up with him after the trip, wasting his AND my money (sort of) and making the trip a crappy memory instead of a good one?

 

I really, really need an unbiased third party to help me out with this one. Thank you so much.

Edited July 9, 2018 by cokewithlime

[kztar]

BEFORE THE TRIP. Possibly today via phone or facetime. You do NOT go on vacation and then break up. NO NO NO. The sooner the better. Even if it was paid for, I would have suggested to make canceling arrangements.

 

I would be livid if I was going on vacation thinking things are well for someone to then break up with me.

[hippychick3]

There is absolutely NO good reason to go on this trip with him. Tell him now so he can start to moving on. It’s cruel to wait until after the trip.

[cokewithlime]

Thank you! That's what I want to do, and that's what most of my friends that I ask for advice are telling me to do, but my mom keeps telling me the opposite and she's generally the person whose judgment I trust the most.

[Zahara]

Thank you! That's what I want to do, and that's what most of my friends that I ask for advice are telling me to do, but my mom keeps telling me the opposite and she's generally the person whose judgment I trust the most.

 

If you are concerned about hurting him, then do it before your vacation. It would create even more hurt and confusion if you do it after because you're going to create a wonderful memory for him and then tear him down. That would be cruel.

 

Also, do it now instead of further leading him on.

[Art_Critic]

before of course and since it is in his hometown he would feel hurt even more if you did it after, he might also feel used as he might feel you going was a good sign for the future...

[d0nnivain]

I'm curious as to why your mom says after? Does she think seeing him again will cause you to change your mind?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to strongly disagree with Mom on this one.

 

Waiting until after is just not right. He will show you off to his family and friends, show you all his old haunts, and then have to turn around and tell everyone that you broke up with him just afterwards. It will destroy all those nice memories and make him feel like crap.

[CaliBabe]

Before the trip!!!

[ElKay]

Logic says breakup before.

Selfish thoughts says breakup after to go on the trip. >->

[snowboy91]

Even in the absence of a trip together, the longer you leave it, the worse it will be because you'll be stuck pretending that everything is OK, which makes you more and more tired and anxious, which is then damaging to the relationship anyway. In the long run, it's a lot less pain to just break up than to wait.

 

If you haven't paid for the trip, what have you got to lose? Go on a different adventure on your own.

[Lotsgoingon]

Not even close: definitely you break up before.

 

You break up as soon as you know you want to break up. Going on a trip and announcing afterwards is a terrible idea ... I once did something like this ... and ended staying in a bad relationship way longer than I wanted.

 

You get back from the trip ... and his mom has a birthday party coming up ... or invites you to a family dinner ... or he has a job interview coming up ... or his father gets sick ... There's NEVER an ideal time in the way you mean ideal ... which is to say a time that softens the blow. No such thing. And it's not your job to worry about that.

 

Your way of acting honorably is to be honest ... So you announce that immediately ... because otherwise, this guy is walking around deluded. Remember, it's musical chairs. You're freeing him up to find someone who really wants to be with him. Seriously!

 

Welcome to adult life, sister. We can get broken up with and continue to live at the same time.

[RJ2018]

Hey, cokewithlime...

 

I've been browsing these boards but didn't create an account until I just came across your post. I felt compelled to respond, as I was just recently in a very similar predicament. I unfortunately chose to wait until after, and naturally, it didn't go well.

 

Well, let me back up. So, I didn't break up with him right after the trip, but like you and leading up to the trip, I had been having stronger and stronger feelings of our not working out and my needing to end things. In our case, it was an out-of-country trip that we'd already paid everything for. Of course selfishly for myself but also in sincerely considering him and his financial situation being not quite as strong as mine at the time, I really thought it would be more of a problem and inconvenience -- particularly financially -- for us to break up beforehand and possibly not go. I actually felt like I would still be OK with us going and just having (or trying to have) a good time regardless, but knowing him, I knew there might be a chance that he'd rather not go or we not go together, so I just tried to grin and bear things and figured if I did end up breaking up with him after, I would just make sure it wouldn't be immediately after at least...to at least minimize it somewhat.

 

So, longer story short, lol.. I did a pretty poor job of hiding my feelings in literally the few days leading up, and he could tell something was up...and so much that, the day before we were to leave, he said he wish he'd known I was feeling so off with us sooner because we probably wouldn't have been going. But I basically reassured him, tried to reassure myself and stay positive for the sake of the trip and us having a good time, and we pressed on.

 

Then, the trip.

 

Throughout this trip, so many different things happened or I would notice that just made me more frustrated, annoyed, and dissatisfied with him and our relationship as a whole, until finally, half-way through and for what should've been something minor or maybe a small disagreement, I finally snapped one night while we were out!! We ended up leaving a club he'd just paid for us to get into less than 10 minutes prior. Then, outside and around the corner, I was crying hysterically and we argued and then just talked for several hours. And this was when I'd finally told him a little more honestly about how I'd been feeling and believing we probably weren't gonna work. And he ended up very upset that I didn't tell him before the trip. I told him why, but he passionately insisted that he wouldn't have cared about the money stuff or whatever else -- he still would've preferred to know then and let whatever chips fall where they may. I was pretty surprised, but nevertheless....

 

We ended up kind of working things out and decided we'd continue to try to work on the relationship and stay together. (Sidenote: This is another good reason why you should probably do it before if you're already that sure. You don't want to keep putting it off, dragging it out, and trying to find the "right" time... or to somehow be sucked back in after your trip with him to continue to try, possibly out of then guilt of waiting that long. You wouldn't be doing either of you any favors at that point.)

 

But my overall feeling that we and the relationship aren't right for each other unfortunately persisted... until it all came crashing down last week. We were just one day away from the anniversary of our first date, the 4th of July (and a little over a month from our first overall-relationship anniversary ), and had plans to spend the whole day together, first at my friend's cookout and then watching the fireworks together that night, which I'd especially looked forward to with him this year since we didn't get to last year. But I was again feeling particularly bleak about us overall, had the thought of our trying a "break" for us to clear our heads and gain greater perspective regarding whether we really wanted to and could see continuing to do this, and again came down to the question of whether to propose this before or after our "big plans." This time, taking a big cue from what he'd said during the trip and also knowing how particularly F'd-up and awkward it would be for me to suggest a break right after a sweet, romantic anniversary of our first date, I went ahead and told him the night before.

 

Of course he wasn't thrilled, and despite me telling him several times he could and should still come to my friend's cookout (of course the fireworks were out at this point), he insisted that he no longer wanted to go and respectfully declined. That sucked, as I'd at least thought he'd still be open to that -- especially with free food and the overall good time we usually have with others on such occasions -- but I totally understood and, more importantly, I had to respect it. Putting myself in his shoes.

 

And as much as it sucked having to put that out there right before our day together and then his reaction, I know with certainty that waiting until after would've been way, WAAAAY worse. And I'm almost certain that he was also glad I told him before. (Another sidenote: Another reason why I'd considered waiting was because I knew this was so last-minute and I didn't want him to now be alone for the day, not have anywhere to go, etc., especially while I was out having a good time. But I actually found out later that he was able to attend a cookout of one of his friends and have a blast there, so I'd ended up worrying (about that part) for nothing. Things ended up working out in some way for both of us. I'm mentioning this because perhaps, especially if you give him enough time and heads-up in ending things before, your guy will have enough time to cool off and be OK with going on the trip by himself or determine an alternative plan -- like going somewhere else or maybe just not going anywhere and either having fun or having some time to himself are home -- that he'll also be OK with. Like, give him options, ya know? This is already gonna really suck for him either way -- you might as well help make it as minimal as possible.)

 

So I say alllllllllllllll of that to say, and especially since in your case, you said little to no money of either of yours has yet been spent or things booked, I would 110% say before. As much as I know that will be hard, sad, awkward, heartbreaking, and intense for both of you, and it sounds like also totally unexpected for him (and you should just go ahead already know that it's likely gonna be all of these things) just multiply all of that several more times over... for if you wait until after. It's the more selfless, considerate, and honestly mutually beneficial thing to do... over the alternative. Learn from my earlier mistake!! And later correction, lol

 

Oh, and by the way, following the several days of the "break," my guy and I finally went ahead and broke up this past Sunday. And I've since felt SO relieved. Sad and disappointed in some ways of course, but still relieved overall. Like a huge burden lifted. I only wish I'd had the courage, motivation, and enough trust in my gut to end it a lot sooner. And he seems to be okay, and even relieved in a certain way, as well.

 

Go ahead and get it over with. The sooner you do, the sooner you both can move on with life and begin to heal. And I'm sure despite the pain and of course I'm sure he'll never tell you, but he'll appreciate and be relieved that you didn't wait.

 

Good luck!

Edited July 10, 2018 by RJ2018
Some corrections.

[RJ2018]

Oh, and also, like your mom, mine would almost certainly advise I wait until after, but the only two people involved in and who will have to suffer the consequences of your decision are you and him. At least if you're thinking of him, his feelings, and trying to lessen his pain, I can't think of any favors you'd be doing him by waiting until after...especially, as others have said, this particular kind of trip -- going to his hometown with friends and family and all of his excitement about it.

 

Yes, it'll be hard to tell everyone when he gets there (or beforehand) that you aren't there or going any longer because things just didn't work out, but I know it would be a lot harder -- more painful, frustrating, aggravating, resentful, and embarrassing -- for him to go back and say (and know) the girl they just met, loved, and were happy to see him with actually left him right after. AND because of that, he's now whatever money much shorter, on top of it all!

 

Lastly, he can save such a special, meaningful trip home with the special person in his life for whoever he ends up with later who also looks forward to the trip and wants and plans to be with him. Give him that.

 

I know your mom means well, but try to put yourself in his shoes.

 

But ok, I'm really done now! Take care.

Edited July 10, 2018 by RJ2018

[stillafool]

If you've already made up your mind that you're going to take your mom's advice why are you bothering to ask your friends and a forum what to do? Break up with this poor guy so he can have a decent rest of his summer.

[AnotherGuy1234]

Don't listen to your mother on this...unless she is thinking you will fall again for this guy and save the relationship.

 

But if you want out of it. End it now before the trip.

 

STOP WASTING THIS DUDES TIME!

[alphamale]

you haven't seen him in a while so this is the perfect time to break up with him (before the trip). it will be a lot harder to break up after the trip.

[Lotsgoingon]

Time to make that call or send him that text.

 

Not a text with the full breakup ... but the call or text with the warning words.

 

The warning words = "We need to talk."

 

Time to do it sister. Say it or text it.

 

And set up the talk.

[soyou]

I was exactly in your shoes 3 years ago.

 

Me and my ex boyfriend booked and paid the entire trip to an foreign island to celebrate his birthday. We asked for holiday from work already. Everything was arranged.

 

3 weeks before the trip, I made up my mind that I did not see a future with him anymore and I wanted to break up.

 

I broke up with him immediately and offered him to go on the trip with whoever he wanted or gave it to his parents (we couldn't get our money back). He didnt want to go, I didnt want to go nor anyone we know could make it.

 

Looking back, I'm glad that I did it that way. It was painful for both of us regardless but it was way less painful than if we continued to go on the trip, built more memories together, and then later I broke his heart.

 

PLEASE BREAK UP WITH HIM BEFORE THE TRIP!!