How to deal with insecurity in your relationship

[Casper.]

I don't know if any of you would remember me from my first thread.. How to date someone who is grieving

 

Basically me and my gf have been together a bit over a year now, and its great, I love her! I've never felt like this!

We met under some pretty strange circumstances cause she had tragically lost her parents only three days before!!

 

Obviously like, we took stuff real slow in the beginning but we went from strength to strength to tell the truth, spent a lot of time together and I moved in with her (and her little sister) full time in early March.

 

So heres the thing.. if we have any problem, any problem at all in our relationship then it'd be that sometimes she can be a tad insecure in it. She'll admit that. She thinks its strange because shes never been insecure in a realtionship ever before but i think obviously things are different this time around, i was quite a big emotional support quite early on, she's let her gaurd down with me a lot, we've invested quite a lot in each other and i know that its been a nagging concern for her that i've never been in such a solid long term realtionship before. (I think she worries i won't be prepared for things to get tough but forgets that i've been around from when they were probably the toughest they could ever be)

 

But anyway, like i say, we're happy, we do good.

 

A couple of months ago this gal starts where i work, she works in a small team I have. I get on with the girl but my gf met her in a social setting and didn't like her one bit! Thought she liked me - which i said was ridiculous, it wasn't like that and she had a boyfriend!

 

The issue with her has sort of reared up a few times though, particularly a couple of weeks ago because she split up with her boyfriend.

I think this is where i screwed up a little bot though cause me and my gf were talking about it and i was saying how like not interested I am, but she was like "don't lie and say you dont think shes attractive though because i know she is" so i was like okay maybe shes subjectively attractive but the only person im interested in is my gf! She was like 'what if you werent in a relationship though'

And what i should of said was: "no, never, not if she was the last girl on the planet cause i dont see her like that"

But what i actually said was: "I wouldn't even consider thinking like that, i want to be in this relationship"

 

...I know that wasn't smart, but i didn't mean it like how it kind of sounds, honestly i didn't, it was just my stupid mouth! I honestly dont see this girl like that!

 

Anyway, couple of days ago, said girl kinda cracks onto me.... so there you go, i was all kinds of wrong and my gf was all kinds of right (as always )

 

Obviously i said no way!! And i told my gf when i got home, because i want to be open and honest with her!!

 

But it still feels like its rocked the boat a bit!! She was pretty upset cause obviously I still work with the girl! .....I do understand where shes coming from cause she feels like weve got a long term, steady, relationship, and she doesnt like the feeling that there might be a flirty plan b kinda hovering...

 

I get it. But i don't know how to fix it? I feel like maybe i'm lacking in the relationship experience to know how to fix it, but i want to?

I don't want to paper up cracks though, I want to do something about it but i dont know what i should do...

[basil67]

Casper, there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you said about never having thought about the women at work because you want to be in this relationship. It's the truth. And it was beautifully worded. Your girlfriend is working to undermine your commonsense and self belief in this area and you're allowing it.

 

Thing is, I know you want to fix this, but you can't. The only person who can soothe your girlfriend's insecurity is herself. The only thing you can do is tell her that if she honestly doesn't believe you then perhaps she needs to rethink the relationship. If she stays, then make you you shut down any insecure nonsense she sends your way.

 

Yeah, I know it's harsh....but I have zero tolerance for baseless insecurity.

[Casper.]

Casper, there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you said .... It's the truth. And it was beautifully worded.

Maybe! But the words in my mouth didnt sound like how I wanted them too in my head!

 

The only thing you can do is tell her that if she honestly doesn't believe you then perhaps she needs to rethink the relationship. If she stays, then make you you shut down any insecure nonsense she sends your way.

To an extent.. yeah. To an extent is there a part of me that is frustrated by it... yeah.

 

But.. can I see where she’s coming from too.. yeah.

I completely misread this girl! I honestly didn’t see it coming! It’s all a bit awkward now at work. I get why she feels like having someone actively interested in your boyfriend and spending a fair bit of time with him, when you are in a long term relationship, isn’t going to make you feel great, no one wants to feel like they have to compete for their own partner right?

 

But I’m not about to chuck it all in..

..because whatever else people may think about me I’m not someone that takes the easy way out or runs when things get tough.

..Because I’ve done meaningless flings, im over them! Yeah there’s excitement and initial sparks, sexual tension! I get it! I’ve done it! I want long term, I want this commitment, I want to mow the grass, argue about dishes and watch tele together I under a duvet on the sofa in my boardshorts and footie shirt!! We have the issues any couple have but I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life.. hands down! I feel at home for the first time in my whole life!

..and because I love her!

[BaileyB]

There was absolutely nothing wrong with what you said.

 

You have nothing to be upset about or apologize for to your girlfriend. I think you are both making a mountain out of a mole hill... Go to work. Do your job and respect healthy boundaries - don't spend time alone with this woman, don't have long conversations with her, be friendly and pleasant to work with but nothing more.

 

And then go home and enjoy your time with your girlfriend. This girl can flirt all she wants... It doesn't matter. It's up to you to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with this girl, and if you do that your girlfriend will have no reason to worry.

[Casper.]

You have nothing to be upset about or apologize for to your girlfriend.

No i know! I dont think ive done anything wrong particularly, I've didnt intentionally encourage the situation! If i've given this other girl the impression that i was interested, then i never meant to - i'm just a friendly guy, in hindsight can i see she liked me, yeah. In retrospect would i have acted differently, maybe yeah.

But I don't think I did anything wrong!

 

Do your job and respect healthy boundaries - don't spend time alone with this woman, don't have long conversations with her, be friendly and pleasant to work with but nothing more.

Yeah I know.. like we do spend a fair amount of one on one time together at work, but I'm trying to cut that a little where i can cause i feel a bit awkward. And I did/do really get on with the girl so we have had lots of chats and that but I said to her like i've got to step back from all that a bit. I certainly dont need to see her socially anymore, need to just keep it profesh.

 

And then go home and enjoy your time with your girlfriend. This girl can flirt all she wants... It doesn't matter. It's up to you to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with this girl, and if you do that your girlfriend will have no reason to worry.

yeah true! This is my first really serious relationship though, i just want to handle it right!

[Casper.]

Damn awkward at work now! Feel pretty uncomfortable

[HardChoice]

I can relate you to my other topic "Move or not move". My girlfriend is also damn insecure, had an awful childhood.

 

I can tell you: Insecurity is like a poison...it slowly destroys her and afterwards you. If she is a bit jealous, a bit controlling - you might be able to handle but if she is a full blown drama queen....run. Well, easy said - I am also quite deep into that stuff but somehow I try to handle it.

 

Tell me more about your experiences.

[Gaeta]

She was like 'what if you werent in a relationship though'

 

 

Sound like something a 15 year old would ask, how juvenile.

 

 

 

You said nothing wrong and please don't say or do anything meant to 'repair' something that doesn't exist. Just go on with your life as if this issue is solved and filed.

[Casper.]

I can relate you to my other topic "Move or not move". My girlfriend is also damn insecure, had an awful childhood.

 

I can tell you: Insecurity is like a poison...it slowly destroys her and afterwards you. If she is a bit jealous, a bit controlling - you might be able to handle but if she is a full blown drama queen....run. Well, easy said - I am also quite deep into that stuff but somehow I try to handle it.

 

Tell me more about your experiences.

 

Ahh she's not controlling, or particularly jealous and shes certainly not a drama queen.

 

I think this is the thing, if it was awful then obviously we just wouldnt work. I had a look at your thread man, and you've got tons more sticking power than me cause I just wouldn't stay.

 

I just don't know how to handle insecurity within a 'good' relationship.. if that makes sense!?

 

She'd never freak out about me being late or texting her back, she wouldn't be bothered about me going out with friends or spending time doing things interdependent of her, she isn't joined to my hip and you wouldnt call her clingy

(To be honest I'm the more that's wanting to do date stuff, and cuddle on the sofa - the girls turned me into a melt, man!! :rolleyes:)

 

But occasionally insecurity is an issue, she wont get mad at me, but she'll distance herself a little, i can feel it, she just closes up a bit.

I think sometimes she worries that, we got serious quick, and that my life changed fast, because of her circumstances i took on a lot of responsibility fast. I think she thinks that cause i've never had a serious relationship before, that I might.. want my freedom, i don't know.....but i don't! I want her, the life we have together!

 

She really didnt like this girl that i work with when they met! But when I told her what happened with this girl the other day she wasnt mad about it so much as just sad about it - which is worse in a way! I hate seeing women sad! I hate seeing her sad!

 

Like we hadn't spoke about it all for a couple of days (although i can just tell its slightly on her mind) and then she said to me out of no where last night that I musnt feel 'obligated' to her, basically not to stay just so i dont hurt her - which is mad, i dont know where she'd get that from! Its not the case at all!

(Which is weird, cause I know that makes her sound quite needy, which she's not! She's not really an emotional type, shes normally very much practical, logically - im the one who's more emotionally led)!

Edited July 13, 2018 by Casper.

[Casper.]

Sound like something a 15 year old would ask, how juvenile.

Well theres no good answer is there!! ..I think she just thinks that theres chemistry between me and this girl... I think thats the long and short - but i am 100% invested in my relationship

 

Just go on with your life as if this issue is solved and filed.

Aye, Im kinda working on the basis that this is just a time thing and with time it'll just be old history and forgotten

[basil67]

Aye, Im kinda working on the basis that this is just a time thing and with time it'll just be old history and forgotten

 

It won't be a one time thing. There will always be women in your life who she doesn't trust you with.

[Casper.]

It won't be a one time thing. There will always be women in your life who she doesn't trust you with.

 

Time, not one time.

 

I dunno anyway though, she’s not really the jealous type, and I just figure that the longer i stay the mkre I’ll prove that I can do a long term relationship, right!

 

I’m more of a boys boy anyway, not have many close female friends (bar like my sister). Even if it was true how often is that women gonna turn round and leave her bf and propersition me..? (Obviously in my head, of course, because I’m a stud - but I’m reality.. probably not all that frequently )

[Mackie]

OMG literally one of my biggest pet peeves when guys call girls insecure like this!!

 

YES, there are girls (and guys) out there who are terribly insecure, who's jealousy or control issues can poison a relationship! But there are far more perfectly normal girls who are responding in a normal way to elements of their relationship who are then branded 'insecure'. As soon as that word is thrown around its like it instantly make a victim of the guy and its very detrimental to a girl in that position to be told your being insecure.

 

Being in a long term relationship makes you vulnerable. Loving somebody makes you vulnerable, but no body wants to feel vulnerable, its not a nice feeling, and if she's feeling that way, with valid reason, then as her man you should be trying to help with that.

 

I'm NOT saying that you've done anything wrong. I'm not saying its your fault. I'm simply validating this girls feelings because lets not make her out to be crazy. Her boyfriend works closely with an attractive girl that he gets on with, that he starts to see socially, that she meets and doesn't like (may I ask why?), she thinks this girl is into her guy (and clearly she was right), and then she finds out that this girl has left her boyfriend and proceeded to hit on her guy (how disrespectful when she knows you are in a relationship)!

 

It doesnt make her crazy to feel vulnerable in that position! I'd feel vulnerable in her shoes! I think most girls wouldn't love it. Its fine to be 'cool and laid back' when your in a brand new relationship and its all dinners out, shots at the bar, and kissing at every opportunity, but don't make her out to be crazy because she loves you, because she cares, and because want your relationship to last.

 

I've been there and i've been in a situation where I felt i was acting insecure, and actually things would probably have worked out better for me if id been a bit stronger in my convictions and a bit less passive about everything!

 

Be kind, be patient, be honest!

Don't make a big deal of the fact she's feeling insecure (shes probably already kicking herself for it) don't make it the focus of your relationship, involve her in your life, don't be afraid to rely on her.

Keep the romance alive, keep dating her, keep kissing her!

Love her, even when she's overreacting, even when she pushes you away, even when it means serious conversations late into the night!

 

(anyway, rant over )

[BaileyB]

That's the thing Casper... Mature adults in a good relationship aren't insecure.

 

The fact that she is insecure speaks to the fact that you are young and she is emotionally immature.

 

All you can do is be trustworthy and show her by your actions that you are trustworthy. This should allow her to see that her insecurity or jealousy is irrational. But ultimately, there is nothing YOU can do to help your girlfriend to be less insecure... Either she trusts you, or she doesn't.

 

If you are behaving in a trustworthy way and she continues to be insecure and jealous, you would be wise to end it and look for another partner. This kind of behavior gets old really quickly in a relationship when you are constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself to your partner and it is never enough. What she is doing to you is not ok.

[Mackie]

she is emotionally immature

Either she trusts you, or she doesn't.

What she is doing to you is not ok.

 

This is wildly unfair!!

 

How can it possibly be deduced from his post, without knowing the girl, that she is emotionally immature, because she is honest enough to have communicated with her boyfriend of a year that she is feeling somewhat unsettled because he is working one on one, with an attractive girl, who he classes as a friend and spends time with socially, who flirts with him, and who broke up with her own boyfriend in order to propersition him romantically!!

How’s she meant to feel!?

Obviously psycho jealous would not be okay but the OP is not ststingn that, just that his girlfriend is occasionally distant and somewhat insecure!

 

You can trust someone and yet think they are crossing a boundary at the same time! It doesn’t mean you have no trust in them! It doesn’t mean that she believes he’s going to cheat. But she may well feel the situation is undermining to their relationship in the long term

 

Casper, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, but you came here for advice and if you want mine your girlfriend, any girl, deserves so much more that to be told these cliche (and to be honest quite emotionally manipulative) lines

[BaileyB]

This is wildly unfair!!

 

How can it possibly be deduced from his post, without knowing the girl, that she is emotionally immature, because she is honest enough to have communicated with her boyfriend of a year that she is feeling somewhat unsettled because he is working one on one, with an attractive girl, who he classes as a friend and spends time with socially, who flirts with him, and who broke up with her own boyfriend in order to propersition him romantically!!

How’s she meant to feel!?

Obviously psycho jealous would not be okay but the OP is not ststingn that, just that his girlfriend is occasionally distant and somewhat insecure!

 

You can trust someone and yet think they are crossing a boundary at the same time! It doesn’t mean you have no trust in them! It doesn’t mean that she believes he’s going to cheat. But she may well feel the situation is undermining to their relationship in the long term

 

Casper, you’re going to do what you’re going to do, but you came here for advice and if you want mine your girlfriend, any girl, deserves so much more that to be told these cliche (and to be honest quite emotionally manipulative) lines

 

I've gone back to reread OP original post, and you do have a point. This other girl was flirting and it does appear that she propositioned OP after she broke up with her boyfriend. OP's girlfriend knew what was happening so her insecurity was not exactly irrational. It is possible to trust someone and feel that they are crossing a boundary.

 

If I may, I was responding mostly to the question OP asked in bold.

 

I just don't know how to handle insecurity within a 'good' relationship.. if that makes sense!?

 

The answer to that question, in my humble opinion, is to be transparent and trustworthy if her concern is related to the other woman at work. Assuming that they have discussed her concerns and that OP is able to do be trustworthy and transparent, then she really will need to decide - does she trust him, or does she not. If she decides that she trusts him and he is transparent and trustworthy... then, there is no more reason for her to feel insecure and she should not be withdrawing from her partner.

 

If her insecurity is related to the relationship, sure this can be normal in newly established relationships. But, I don't think there is a lot of insecurity in really good relationships with healthy partners. Excessive insecurity and jealousy is often a sign of an unhealthy relationship and/or an unhealthy partner. Perhaps others will disagree and if you do have a different thought, I would be very interested to hear it... I certainly thing that if there is trust, honesty, and good communication in a relationship... both partners should be able to feel pretty secure in the relationship and there shouldn't be a lot of insecurity.

Edited July 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mackie]

OP's girlfriend knew what was happening so her insecurity was not exactly irrational.

This is true, OP I definitely donÂ’t think your girlfriend is irrational, I think sheÂ’s pretty intuitive!

She saw a mile off what this other girl was like, and she was right!

She has doubts that her boyfriend (although I think a guy with good intentions) would have enough relationship experience to handle the situation! Again I think sheÂ’s probably right, (after all OP you are here, asking advice on this forum, and you admit yourself that In hindsight you would have handled this other girl differently)!

So, if your girl has actually got her head screwed on pretty tight, enough to see problems forming, then IÂ’d advice you start listening to her, really listening!

DonÂ’t just do what guys do and try and fix the problem by actuing like it doesnÂ’t matter, or is silly, donÂ’t tell her you love her and shut the conversation down! Actually listen!! Actually ask her what her concern is, and why, and what she thinks you guys should do as a couple!

 

I’ve been with a guy (and I’m not comparing you to him) but he told me ‘don’t be silly I love yiu’, ‘don’t be ridiculous I love you’, ‘your worrying about nothing’ ...and in the end I felt that I was silly and overreacting and I ended up putting up with wayyy more than I should have! I would have saved us both time and pain if I’d been stronger in my beliefs at the start!

 

Excessive insecurity and jealousy is often a sign of an unhealthy relationship and/or an unhealthy partner.

Totally agree! If itÂ’s happening all the time then you need to take a closer look at your relationship and the root cause, however sometimes insecurity is just a natural feeling in response to a situation!

[Casper.]

As soon as that word is thrown around its like it instantly make a victim of the guy and its very detrimental to a girl in that position to be told your being insecure.

I'm not trying to make anyone sorry for me or play victim - I'm not a victim I'm an incredibly lucky man! She is lightyears out of my league, I'm punching, anyone can see that!!

 

that she meets and doesn't like (may I ask why?),

Aside from the fact that she thought she was into me.. thought she was flirting a little + body language and that!

And she thought the girl made no effort with her, didn't introduce herself, didn't really include her in conversation!

 

but don't make her out to be crazy because she loves you, because she cares, and because want your relationship to last.

Nah I know, I know!

 

Be kind, be patient, be honest!

Don't make a big deal of the fact she's feeling insecure (shes probably already kicking herself for it) don't make it the focus of your relationship, involve her in your life, don't be afraid to rely on her.

Keep the romance alive, keep dating her, keep kissing her!

Love her, even when she's overreacting, even when she pushes you away, even when it means serious conversations late into the night!

I can do that!! I want all that!

Thanks!!

[Casper.]

The fact that she is insecure speaks to the fact that you are young and she is emotionally immature.

She's not that though ....she lost both parents overnight at 23, she became he guardian of an 11, the head of a household, the owner of the fathers company.. she didnt even moan about it, she just took it all on!! The girls my hero and she doesnt even know it!! She makes me want to be.. someone she can count on - the way that everyone else counts on her!

[Casper.]

The answer to that question, in my humble opinion, is to be transparent and trustworthy if her concern is related to the other woman at work. Assuming that they have discussed her concerns and that OP is able to do be trustworthy and transparent, then she really will need to decide - does she trust him, or does she not. If she decides that she trusts him and he is transparent and trustworthy... then, there is no more reason for her to feel insecure and she should not be withdrawing from her partner.

What do you mean by transparent and trustworthy? Like i told her what this girl said to me and that cause I want to be honest, but I dont want to keep going on about her either, cause i want our focus to be on us!

 

 

This is true, OP I definitely donÂ’t think your girlfriend is irrational, I think sheÂ’s pretty intuitive!

For sure, like the girls always right, its annoying

 

So, if your girl has actually got her head screwed on pretty tight, enough to see problems forming, then IÂ’d advice you start listening to her, really listening!

DonÂ’t just do what guys do and try and fix the problem by actuing like it doesnÂ’t matter, or is silly, donÂ’t tell her you love her and shut the conversation down! Actually listen!! Actually ask her what her concern is, and why, and what she thinks you guys should do as a couple!

Yeah okay that makes sense, i understand!

Fact is like, had i met this girl 18months ago when i was single, then yeah, we probably would be hooking up now! But im not conflicted in anyway over this, i know what i want, I want my gf, and everything that goes with!

So do I ask her or do i just wait for her to bring it?

[Mackie]

Aside from the fact that she thought she was into me.. thought she was flirting a little + body language and that!

And she thought the girl made no effort with her, didn't introduce herself, didn't really include her in conversation!

If anyone is making the girl you love feel like that - they're not you're friend!

 

What do you mean by transparent and trustworthy? Like i told her what this girl said to me and that cause I want to be honest, but I dont want to keep going on about her either, cause i want our focus to be on us!

So focus on you, butlet her know thts your focus! Communicate communicate communicate! Be vocal! Don't assume she knows how you feel and how sure you are about her! Everything you are telling to us about how special she is to you, make sure you are telling it too her! How else is she to meant to know the girl that would turn your head 18months ago has no chance with you now!