Why is monogamy the most popular type of relationship?

[SmartDude]

It seems to me that no one is really happy staying with one person their entire lives. I look around and what I see is always different from what people think they are going to get. It seems that marriage and very long relationships always lead to some form of boredom and lack of creativity. People are told to "work on thier relationships" to bring back passion. Yet when people are new to each other there is no work to bring passion and interest. We are told that after the passion comes real love and connection. And while that is true in part, and have experienced this myself in the past, This is not the only reality. I even heard two old ladies waking down the street today talking about open relationships and I was like lol its a sign.

 

My conclusion is that relationships in general don't work as we envision them. I have completley given up on the concept that a long relationship with one person that you love, exluding all others in the process, leads to lasting happiness. Freeing myself from that concept has been one of the best things that every happened to me.

 

Polyamory dosen't really work either. There is still a relationship structure there. I was really interested in the concept of relationship anarchy. Maybe that will work beter in future society's? Or perhaps that is happening now and it just goes under the general term "dating" .

 

Monogamy is great for having kids and I understand that but the planet is actually quite full. Its not that important to make more people, So that logic does not hold up.

 

 

So why do we still do it to ourselves? Bind one life to another. Is this really smart? Is humanity going to always stay this way? Will we change as a species or will everything just stay the same?

[Lorenza]

I think you're projecting, as it's quite bold to state that "no one is really happy being monogamous" and talking about it like it's some kind of punishment we're inflicting on ourselves. Monogamy is getting a bad wrap now when it's all about sexual liberation, but it has a very clear advantage. Take Sweden, for example, the meka of singlehood, open relationships and sexual liberties. But it's not looking bright on the STD's department. Sweden is Europe's sex disease capital with very high rates.

[carhill]

So why do we still do it [monogamy] to ourselves? Bind one life to another.

IMO, part is genetic.... we see emotional manifestations in territoriality and jealousy in relationships, and part is socialization by apparently (to the child) monogamous parents, especially core socialization before peer integration

Is this really smart?

IDK, define what 'smart' is wrt relationships. Billions of humans, billions of styles of interacting, billions of possibilities. Who decides what is smart and what isn't?

Is humanity going to always stay this way? Will we change as a species or will everything just stay the same?

IMO we'll destroy ourselves before we evolve to a higher level of consciousness and interaction that finds us at peace with a wide variety of relationship styles and interactions. Our current milieu is underscored by the rabid judgment of relationship choices outside the socially approved ones. This is accomplished and abetted by peer shunning. Social groups deny admittance to individuals they deem substandard, flawed, or simply unliked/undesired. They skirt legalities and damage people in other ways. We saw this a lot with homosexuals when I was young. It was a lot more destructive and despicable than it is now. People can be ugly and brutal. That's why I think, ultimately, our species will expire. We don't like each other very much, or accept each other. It's all tenuous. The buzz-phrase is 'life isn't fair'. Yup.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think the main problem is that people think that's the only way to live. Get older, get married, have children. We are all meant to believe that getting married/having children is the ultimate happiness. Forget what happens after, the exhaustive drudgery of chores and having to keep the "passion alive". Fighting themselves every time they find someone else attractive. It basically becomes "what's for dinner" conversation x infinity. But yeah, it's OK, because relationships and marriage are supposed to be "hard work". That's what they tell themselves.

 

Polyamory seems just as exhausting. It's like having a committed relationship with multiple people that you somehow have to keep all happy. Personally, I like the idea of being unattached, pursue flings as they come along, even start a relationship if I feel very strongly about someone but then end it when it becomes tedious.

 

The main problem is that people are so risk averse, terrified of being different, terrified of being "alone". Many comment that my life must be "empty" , yet in the same breath there is a string off complaints about stress, tiredness and how "hard" their life is.

 

From what I have observed, people have peaks of happiness, approximately around the time they get engaged, then get married, then get pregnant. I can conceptually get that. After the first child is born though, it's all bleak grayness until the end of their days.

 

The only appeal of traditional life is higher probability of having someone to look after you when you get old and sick.

[Els]

Just because monogamy isn't right for you doesn't mean it's not right for everyone. I've seen couples that were blissfully in love after decades, who loved their spouse so much that when the spouse died in old age, they followed soon after. I've also seen people, like you, who weren't cut out for monogamy - and of course, if such people try to force themselves into monogamy, they inevitably make a mess out of it.

 

I will have to say that I'm quite glad I'm personally geared towards monogamy. Knowing that at the end of a long, bad day, you'll have each others' arms to fall into instead of an empty room, without the uncertainty of whether they'll want to see you or whether they'll show up. Knowing someone as you only can after years of being together, and having them know you the same way. Knowing that if you get hospitalized, they will most certainly be there as much as they possibly can. Always having someone who gets you, who understands you like only he/she can, by your side.

 

And, IMO, sex gets better in quality the longer we're together. I guess I can only approximate it to mountaineering with the same partner for years - you can explore places and do things with your regular partner that you wouldn't be able to do with a new partner. Because of all the shared experiences and trust that has been built over time.

 

But, obviously, that's just me. You do you.

[dude360]

I think the main problem is that people think that's the only way to live. Get older, get married, have children. We are all meant to believe that getting married/having children is the ultimate happiness. Forget what happens after, the exhaustive drudgery of chores and having to keep the "passion alive". Fighting themselves every time they find someone else attractive. It basically becomes "what's for dinner" conversation x infinity. But yeah, it's OK, because relationships and marriage are supposed to be "hard work". That's what they tell themselves.

 

Polyamory seems just as exhausting. It's like having a committed relationship with multiple people that you somehow have to keep all happy. Personally, I like the idea of being unattached, pursue flings as they come along, even start a relationship if I feel very strongly about someone but then end it when it becomes tedious.

 

The main problem is that people are so risk averse, terrified of being different, terrified of being "alone". Many comment that my life must be "empty" , yet in the same breath there is a string off complaints about stress, tiredness and how "hard" their life is.

 

From what I have observed, people have peaks of happiness, approximately around the time they get engaged, then get married, then get pregnant. I can conceptually get that. After the first child is born though, it's all bleak grayness until the end of their days.

 

The only appeal of traditional life is higher probability of having someone to look after you when you get old and sick.

 

This is good and all but I hope you are able to keep this same outlook when someone gets tired if you and decides to break up with you.

[JDJ]

I think the main problem is that people think that's the only way to live. Get older, get married, have children.

 

From what I have observed, people have peaks of happiness, approximately around the time they get engaged, then get married, then get pregnant. I can conceptually get that. After the first child is born though, it's all bleak grayness until the end of their days.

 

Well, getting older is pretty much required if you want to live. I don't see any other way.

 

As far as bleak grayness, I doubt that even 10% of couples with kids would be as pessimistic as that. Even for those who are not fixated on monogamy, soulmates, and all that, I bet there are a sizeable number who are moderately content with their lot even remaining with a less than ideal spouse. You might object to that as bland or underachieving, but it is not "bleak".

 

Actually isn't monogamy the best way to observe the sentiment expressed in your signature quote, Eternal Sunshine?

[central]

Monogamy is so popular because that's what we've been conditioned to want, and is the primary example we see around as we develop our own relationships when young.

 

Monogamy is conceptually simple compared to other relationship types, I think, and it actually does work for many people. Yes, some practice serial monogamy, which is fine. And a significant number cheat, which isn't fine, but apparently inevitable - and a clear consequence of the fact that humans aren't naturally monogamous.

 

IMO, the best way to approach relationships is to figure out your own views and needs, question the conventions, and decide for yourself how to conduct your own life, while finding people with compatible views and practices.

 

And what you want may change over time. I've been happily monogamous, unhappily monogamous, and happily poly. I've also been happy dating serially, and have done other things. It depends on what I want, and what I can do at the time.

 

Right now I'm happily non-monogamous, but also in a long term serious relationship with a like-minded woman. We do things our way, but that doesn't mean we always get what we seek. At least we can try.

[BaileyB]

Well, monogamy is just fine for me. I think you are projecting when you say most people are not happy in monogamous relationships.

 

I tell you, watching my parents at the end of my mother's life was enlightening. They were married for 40 years, they built a home and a family together, they traveled the world and had great adventures, and at the end of her life... they cared for each other and loved each other.

 

To find that one person to love, to move through life together and know that this person will be by your side through the good, the bad, and the boring... well, that to me is what living is all about.

[soyou]

Whether is it's monogamy or polygamy or something else, for every individual it's different.

 

But I would say whatever relationship you're in, if you create a lot of fun and crazy adventures together, you're likely almost never getting bored of each other.

 

Even if you're in an open relationship or with many partners at the same time, and you do same thing over and over again, you will get bored eventually.

[No_Go]

I think mainly because in the old model kids & assets were protected by the monogamy model. But that's when people were marrying young.

 

Now it is... a remnant from the past. People don't depend on each other financially don't even need each other for parenting, but it is a model that exists historically and will exist for a while.

 

I personally can't divide attention- focus too much on the person I'm with to have thought time for anyone else, so I can't see anything else but monogamy working for me. But otherwise I don't see many practical advantages.

[SmartDude]

I think the main problem is that people think that's the only way to live. Get older, get married, have children. We are all meant to believe that getting married/having children is the ultimate happiness. Forget what happens after, the exhaustive drudgery of chores and having to keep the "passion alive". Fighting themselves every time they find someone else attractive. It basically becomes "what's for dinner" conversation x infinity. But yeah, it's OK, because relationships and marriage are supposed to be "hard work". That's what they tell themselves.

 

Polyamory seems just as exhausting. It's like having a committed relationship with multiple people that you somehow have to keep all happy. Personally, I like the idea of being unattached, pursue flings as they come along, even start a relationship if I feel very strongly about someone but then end it when it becomes tedious.

 

The main problem is that people are so risk averse, terrified of being different, terrified of being "alone". Many comment that my life must be "empty" , yet in the same breath there is a string off complaints about stress, tiredness and how "hard" their life is.

 

From what I have observed, people have peaks of happiness, approximately around the time they get engaged, then get married, then get pregnant. I can conceptually get that. After the first child is born though, it's all bleak grayness until the end of their days.

 

The only appeal of traditional life is higher probability of having someone to look after you when you get old and sick.

 

I can totally understand, this makes perfect sense to me. Its funny because 10 years ago I was the complete oposite. The only hint I had that I was different was when I found pictures of my then long-term girlfriend having crazy sex with her last boyfriend. Instead of being hurt and having some type of retroactive jealousy, I was actually sexually aroused by her autonomy.

[SmartDude]

I think you're projecting, as it's quite bold to state that "no one is really happy being monogamous" and talking about it like it's some kind of punishment we're inflicting on ourselves. Monogamy is getting a bad wrap now when it's all about sexual liberation, but it has a very clear advantage. Take Sweden, for example, the meka of singlehood, open relationships and sexual liberties. But it's not looking bright on the STD's department. Sweden is Europe's sex disease capital with very high rates.

 

 

Oh? what is happening over there, are people dying in the streets from leprosy? Is it a giant pandemic? I am still betting that getting in a car crash is still more likely. herpes does not count because over half of the population has that. My ex GF had it and im lucky I did not get it.

 

 

And who says it is just about sexual liberation? How about just being liberated from these constraints in general?

[carhill]

Thought of another why.... most religions support monogamy and most people on the planet believe in some deity or higher power and 'the rules'.

 

I remember my first introduction to the rules when maybe five or six, that one 'thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife'. The rule was more complex than that but they boiled it down for kids that lusting after a married, in the eyes of the church, person was a sin. Even if the lust was only in the mind. Talk about thought control

[coolheadal]

It seems to me that no one is really happy staying with one person their entire lives. I look around and what I see is always different from what people think they are going to get. It seems that marriage and very long relationships always lead to some form of boredom and lack of creativity. People are told to "work on thier relationships" to bring back passion. Yet when people are new to each other there is no work to bring passion and interest. We are told that after the passion comes real love and connection. And while that is true in part, and have experienced this myself in the past, This is not the only reality. I even heard two old ladies waking down the street today talking about open relationships and I was like lol its a sign.

 

My conclusion is that relationships in general don't work as we envision them. I have completley given up on the concept that a long relationship with one person that you love, exluding all others in the process, leads to lasting happiness. Freeing myself from that concept has been one of the best things that every happened to me.

 

Polyamory dosen't really work either. There is still a relationship structure there. I was really interested in the concept of relationship anarchy. Maybe that will work beter in future society's? Or perhaps that is happening now and it just goes under the general term "dating" .

 

Monogamy is great for having kids and I understand that but the planet is actually quite full. Its not that important to make more people, So that logic does not hold up.

 

 

So why do we still do it to ourselves? Bind one life to another. Is this really smart? Is humanity going to always stay this way? Will we change as a species or will everything just stay the same?

 

It's in our DNA! What makes up who we are! Adam and EVE.. I don't like to have many only when I am dating and seeking. Right now I am just with one woman 100% focus on her as she doing the same with me. I know others who like having more than one steady GF. Look at the trouble doing that. Balancing act indeed.. Is it worth it nope.. Then what happens if she gets preg with your kids then you have so many who are preg with your kids. Is that fair to her and the newborn nope. Stick with the plan and stay with one as you know in the end that works best.

[somanymistakes]

Social norms come and go, they vary a lot by location and culture. Whatever you think is 'normal', there's already somewhere in the world where that ISN'T the norm at all.

 

Some people like to date a lot of folks at the same time before they settle on being exclusive/steady with someone. Some people only EVER date one person at a time, and always break up with them before moving on to the next. Some people have multiple concurrent serious relationships. There are as many ways as there are people.

 

Of course, cultural groups often have their own reasons for trying to convince people that not only is their way the right way, but it's the only right way, the right way for everyone, and it's always been that way. Those people are usually liars who are selling something.

[carhill]

Depends on the person's psychology and perspective on relationships IMO. Those who are more compartmentalized and transactional in though/emotion can easily have different people who excel in different desired qualities and view each one discreetly. In times gone by, that process seemed exclusively the purview of men but IMO that was largely because women were controlled and oppressed. As women gained freedom and power, markedly in my generation, I saw increasing parity in utilizing different people to meet different needs and desires.

 

As example, a young MW I found myself attached to as a young man epitomized the milieu. She had a husband and father for her children, a married lover for extraciricular sex and excitement and me, and other men, as orbiters and emotional sounding boards. All met discrete needs she had and in a way her primary, H, was less burdened, especially with all her emotional baggage. It was easier to use sex, feminine attractiveness, to secure a ongoing line of males to give attention than to develop equitable female friendships.

 

When lovely wife, man of the community husband, two wonderful children graced the public, they appeared the epitome of the successful family. They made that deal work for over 20 years. Being long down the road of life, I know their story isn't rare.

 

One highly monogamous aspect of humans is their id. It impels the human to use others, of course with social grace, to serve it. It is faithful to itself. If it sees a good bargain in the use of another human long-term, it directs that investment. Sure, we wrap it up in love and poetry and flowers and music but it's just the id satisfying its needs and wants, securing the progeny and replicating the genes. Important biological stuff that's wired into us.

[ElKay]

I'm programmed to be monogamous... When I crush on someone, all of my others just fade away and I even feel like it's gross when someone else flirts with me. I'm sure I'm not the only one wired to be in love with just one guy. There must be enough of those to help the statistic in part at least.

[S_A]

Without giving your question too much thought, and answering more on a whim, it might be because with monogamy people are able to shield themselves from pain and heartbreak. It's definitely a secure compromise. The second reason simply being "kids." This second reason though is a doozy, which is why monogamy will always be prevalent. If you're not having kids, who gives a rip?

Edited July 11, 2018 by S_A

[SmartDude]

Without giving your question too much thought, and answering more on a whim, it might be because with monogamy people are able to shield themselves from pain and heartbreak. It's definitely a secure compromise. The second reason simply being "kids." This second reason though is a doozy, which is why monogamy will always be prevalent. If you're not having kids, who gives a rip?

 

I think I agree on this. The pain and heartache would come from sexual jealousy. If people were able to control and work with thier jealous feelings then it might be possible to have humans that freely associate with one another.

[carhill]

I think I agree on this. The pain and heartache would come from sexual jealousy. If people were able to control and work with thier jealous feelings then it might be possible to have humans that freely associate with one another.

That's a good point, and one I reflected on after divorce, since while married I was never really jealous of my exW's personal and professional associations with males. She had male clients, male friends, shared a dog with her exH, etc. I was never really 'territorial' like I owned her. Perhaps she didn't respect me because I didn't really seek to control her 'monogamy', rather let it be what it was and she who she is.

 

Something which brought this to mind was recent interactions with a MW whose husband is really 'laid back'. That makes it easy for her, he's not really jealous but I get the sense that under her liking his lack of jealousy she doesn't really respect him as a man. Something just feels off when they're together and she's shared a few things which cause me to wonder. Sometimes she'll play me off him to test him. I've seen that. Little things, you know, the ones women are really good at

 

Anyway, monogamy does appear to be a safe haven, a comfortable place. IMO there's value in that which society, in general, reinforces. Myself, I'll likely go to my grave without such a marked preference for territoriality and 'having' someone, rather seeing humans as freely associating. If we associate, cool, that's fun.

[Timshel]

I think I agree on this. The pain and heartache would come from sexual jealousy. If people were able to control and work with thier jealous feelings then it might be possible to have humans that freely associate with one another.

 

 

This is interesting, I think that most people are able to grasp the idea that commitment does not equal ownership. That a person is only as committed to a relationship at any given time as they chose to be. The monogamous, committed relationship or engagement or marriage can be transgressed, technically, at any time. So the idea of ownership over an SO is to some, obviously nonexistent and for others not as broad minded, an illusion that provides a false sense of security.

 

 

Speaking for myself, I am able to go one step further and say that I can understand the concept of loving more than one romantic partner at once; without necessarily impeding either/any of those relationships. I think because no two relationships are the same, all unique. To be hokey and simplistic, like a snowflake with entirely different dynamics; therefore not threatening.

 

I think that this would require all partners to be on the same field and a tremendous amount of honesty, communication and respect for each other. Lot's of monogamous people can't muster this in their relationships with each other...much less poly-amorous.

 

 

For myself, I have never been able to love more than one man at a time. Monogamy comes easily and naturally to me.

 

I can wrap my head around other ideas though.

[BluesPower]

Well, such a broad question...

 

First everyone is different, and people can change in preferences over time.

 

So for me, many times I have had multiple GF (More that FB, but not a committed relationship either). Now at different times this has worked out fine for a while.

 

However, eventually, somebody wants more... And that is where is gets sticky. Either I was not in relationship mode or just not that into the situation.

 

So these situations just seem to EVENTUALLY cause issues. OK, Fine.

 

Now for me at times in my life I could have been agreeable to be poly, but it takes a certain situation for that to happen as well. And, like others said, in a real relationship (even poly) that seems like a lot of work.

 

So for me, and I am older, I found quite by accident, THE most wonderful woman. She likes monogamy and I am OK with it, and this may be my final relationship.

 

But in a marriage or LTR, you have to ask yourself how good the relationship is if there is not a certain level of passion, and hot sex.

 

Even with my Ex W, the sex never slowed down until we were done, which may be the reason that I stayed too long.

 

But with all these questions like this, the infidelity, the low sex/no sex marriages, I have to ask myself why.

 

I understand the money the kids and all of that, but IMHO some of that is just an excuse to be lazy and LET yourself be unhappy.

 

That is the one thing for me, that I will never allow myself to do...

[carhill]

Monogamy secured by a legal partnership can and often does secure an advantageous and socially powerful lifestyle and some people are unwilling to give that up by dissolving it. Seen that plenty. They stay in it for the lifestyle and social power even after the nuts and bolts have flown apart.

[bathtub-row]

I’ve said for years that marriages should have an expiration date. In other words, at the end of the “contract”, it’s either renewed (agreed to by both parties) or it’s not. So, instead of kids thinking “my parents divorced”, they could think “my parents chose not to renew”.

 

I think it’s a human desire to want to spend our lives with someone but the reality - for most people - is that it just doesn’t work that way. I, too, have dropped the whole thing and find that I really like being alone, left to do what I want to do, and not have to answer to anyone. On the flip side of that, if I met a guy that really knocked my socks off and he had no designs on controlling me, I would consider getting married again. However, I don’t look at it like I did before.

 

I think we continue to risk marriage for much the same reasons that we sometimes gamble. We may lose but, if we actually win, the pay-off is very high.

Edited July 11, 2018 by bathtub-row