Why is monogamy the most popular type of relationship?

[SmartDude]

Love is about acceptance. You have your time of choosing, reject some, some reject you, you make it work with someone and go from there. Your lover/spouse should be like family. Like your parents, your children. Which none of us choose either. Many of us love them, why can't we love a spouse in the same way?

 

 

That is the whole problem. The romantic passion dies and your spouse becomes like a family member. They feel just like a brother or sister..

[Striver]

That is the whole problem. The romantic passion dies and your spouse becomes like a family member. They feel just like a brother or sister..

 

I don't have any sisters.

 

There are different kinds of love, and different ways to love the exact same spouse.

 

If you only care about erotic love, then just go through a series of partners, leaving each as you get bored. Then realize you are bored with the whole thing when you are starting the 20th or 30th relationship. What then?

[BC1980]

That is the whole problem. The romantic passion dies and your spouse becomes like a family member. They feel just like a brother or sister..

 

This happens a lot. Not always but obviously enough. I think you just have to accept that any relationship could end in loss at some point. It’s always a gamble.

[grays]

Then realize you are bored with the whole thing when you are starting the 20th or 30th relationship. What then?

 

This is kinda where I am now, in a way. I haven't had 20 relationships, unless we're using the term very loosely. But I've thrown myself into the project of finding love/romance/sex in the last few years and now, just having broken up with someone I love and miss, I don't really want to go back to a series of people who aren't quite right for me. I wouldn't say I'm bored but its true that I don't feel the need to go do the stuff I've already done again. BUT, having fallen in love a couple of times in my life already, I can't in a million years imagine the beginning of a relationship with someone I love (or am capable of loving or falling in love with) being boring. That just wouldn't happen.

 

As for why monogamy, I think it comes down to security. That sounds horribly boring, but of course I want it anyway. Hopefully the subject of my love will be so exciting that I won't notice the boring underbelly.

[BluesPower]

I don't have any sisters.

 

There are different kinds of love, and different ways to love the exact same spouse.

 

If you only care about erotic love, then just go through a series of partners, leaving each as you get bored. Then realize you are bored with the whole thing when you are starting the 20th or 30th relationship. What then?

 

This thinking is... what has caused you some of the problems that you have had.

 

And look don't get defensive, but I really think it is true.

 

In a romantic relationship your partner either wants, and desires you, and you want them, or you don't.

 

Yes there are ups and down, sure, but long term, THIS is how it really is.

 

So when they start to pull away, or lose interest, you can't get it back.

 

And you need to find our IF you are a chump and causing some of this or if your PICKER is so screwed up that you cannot trust it...

[carhill]

In that vein monogamy provides a common point of belief, a constancy, which many people find comforting. However, as people are constantly changing, the trick is finding and picking someone who can envision change for themselves without that belief wavering. We sometimes see that with religion. Life can throw a lot at one but that strong and unwavering belief in a deity or higher power remains. Others can lose faith, either situationally or permanently.

 

TBH, long down the road of life, looking at the totality, I haven't seen a lot of monogamy; perhaps some serial monogamy but very little unwavering belief in the one monogamous being. Most of the early part, the part that set the belief, was home and church. Reality intruded later. Life is like that. Adapt or die, here in the figurative sense, missing out on productive relationships due to some unrealistic ideal.

[BaileyB]

I saw that in my parents as well. They had been married for almost 50 years when my mom died from a cancer that absolutely ravaged her. In the space of a year she went from a woman who was planning her next world adventure to what amounted to not much more than a shell of herself. My dad looked after her, carrying her up and down the stairs so she could stay at home. He would sit with her for hours, just holding her hand. At the end, between the cancer and the pain meds, she was barely aware of who or where she was, but in his eyes, she was still the pretty young woman he fell in love with and married and also the mother of his children, the woman who had stood by him and supported him through all the good and bad times. She was the woman he will always love.

 

Even now, years after she died, he still gets tears in his eyes when he sees her picture.

 

 

 

Monogamy worked well for them. It wasn't drudgery or a ball and chain. They were best friends, lovers and very happy together. They, and millions like them, found it worked well for them. Others find other relationship styles are best. So long as there is honesty, it's all good.

 

I just wanted to say, I'm very sorry that you lost your mother. I lost my mother in much the same way. It is brutal.

 

For the longest time, my father would not talk about my mother because it was too painful. He missed her so much. Now, he can say her name and smile, or tell a story and laugh... He still tears up often when he thinks of her. It breaks my heart but it is such a beautiful tribute to my mother and the relationship they shared.

 

I was single when my mother passed, so she will never meet my boyfriend. I had actually given up on dating, until I lost my mother. Watching them together in her final days made me realize, this is what life is all about. I wanted someone to share my life with and then hold my hand when I get sick... I'm happy because I feel like I have found that person. I only wish my mother was here to meet him and know that I have found a love like she had.

[pepperbird]

Why does it matter if some people find monogamy works for them and other find that it doesn't ? So long as they are honest with one another at the start of a relationship about their expectations and feelings on the subject, then who's business is it anyway?

[carhill]

I like that philosophy personally, who's business is it anyway, but humans seem to always be up in each others business, judging each other's business, criticizing each other's business, attacking each other's business, seeking to dominate and control each other's business, well, you get the drift

 

The way I look at it is truly monogamous (with others) folks would never diddle me, sexually or emotionally, right? It's their business. OK

[brigit87]

 

 

As much as I was hurt by my ex, monogamy seems to be the only way for me.

 

Then it is what it is. That's how you feel no need to question it. Be monogamous.

[Els]

Slightly off topic....

 

I used to say exactly this but when doing my family history I started to question only living to 40 or 50. I went through my and my husband's ancestors (99% British and Australian and concentrated on the Victorian era) and found an average age of close to 70. I'd be really interested in the data that the stats of 40-50 years comes from.

 

---

 

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm beginning to question the death toll of people prior to modern medicine. The family trees of myself and my husband have very few women dying in childbirth. I can't explain why our trees are such, so all I can do is hope to find the original data and compare it to what I'm finding.

 

 

Probably they were lucky or relatively well-off compared to the average labourer. Looking back at mine, I can certainly see the effects of modern medicine - none of my great-grandparents lived past 60, while my parents are hale and healthy and having the time of their life past that age. You don't need to look into the past to see the effects either - in countries like Swaziland and Chad where most of the population has little access to modern medicine and sanitation, the average life expectancy is ~50 years of age, compared to 70-80 years in the developed world.

[Striver]

This thinking is... what has caused you some of the problems that you have had.

 

And look don't get defensive, but I really think it is true.

 

In a romantic relationship your partner either wants, and desires you, and you want them, or you don't.

 

Yes there are ups and down, sure, but long term, THIS is how it really is.

 

So when they start to pull away, or lose interest, you can't get it back.

 

And you need to find our IF you are a chump and causing some of this or if your PICKER is so screwed up that you cannot trust it...

 

I have only been in two relationships. The first one ended when my ex left me for someone she knew before we ever met. She probably would have married him when we married, but he was a commitmentphobe. Once he decided he could commit, she was out the door.

 

Relationships can either fail because of two people, or because of only one. The chances of my marriage succeeding were basically 0%, because of the actions of my ex. All of my friends, relatives, were as surprised at the actions of my ex as I was. She cloaked it very well, it's not like she had a history of bad behavior.

 

My current GF and I are in limbo. She backed off because of my noncommittal behavior due to my being hurt by the marriage. When we talk, there is still chemistry between us. So in this case it seems possible that the relationship could be restored. It depends why the person backs off.

 

I would just be better off forgetting as much of my marriage as possible. I won't be having more kids, so the damage a woman can do to me is limited anyway.

[Striver]

I like that philosophy personally, who's business is it anyway, but humans seem to always be up in each others business, judging each other's business, criticizing each other's business, attacking each other's business, seeking to dominate and control each other's business, well, you get the drift

 

The way I look at it is truly monogamous (with others) folks would never diddle me, sexually or emotionally, right? It's their business. OK

 

Our ancestors were tribal. In tribal societies people feel what their neighbors do matter. Because there are only so many people you trust, only so many neighbors, only so many potential mates that you trust. So people were consciously interdependent. And they cared what other people did.

 

I live in a big city, and yeah, I like that you get left alone compared to the small towns. It's the secular liberal way. Will it last? There are people whose emotional needs are not being met, it seems, and would rather have more tribalism and discord. There are the libertarians, who double down on the fact that they really, truly don't care about you, don't want to pay for anything but what will benefit themselves. There are the people who only cruise the Internet and only care about 1/10000th of the things in the world. And countless others. Seems to me that "the norms" of what we can expect out of our neighbors, that allows us our privacy privilege, are getting fewer and fewer. So, will it last?

[JuneL]

I have only been in two relationships. The first one ended when my ex left me for someone she knew before we ever met. She probably would have married him when we married, but he was a commitmentphobe. Once he decided he could commit, she was out the door.

 

Relationships can either fail because of two people, or because of only one. The chances of my marriage succeeding were basically 0%, because of the actions of my ex. All of my friends, relatives, were as surprised at the actions of my ex as I was. She cloaked it very well, it's not like she had a history of bad behavior.

 

My current GF and I are in limbo. She backed off because of my noncommittal behavior due to my being hurt by the marriage. When we talk, there is still chemistry between us. So in this case it seems possible that the relationship could be restored. It depends why the person backs off.

 

I would just be better off forgetting as much of my marriage as possible. I won't be having more kids, so the damage a woman can do to me is limited anyway.

 

It sounds like you’re fully aware that your exW settled to marry you. Why was it okay with you then?

 

In another thread, you also mentioned that you married late. So you had been single until very late?

[carhill]

Looks like forensics to me. Clarity achieved after the M. Understanding. Acceptance of the real. Sometimes, especially when they obfuscate really well, it's hard to tell when someone is letting someone love them versus mutual love.

 

Key phrase:

 

All of my friends, relatives, were as surprised at the actions of my ex as I was.

 

Yup, know it well. An example of when and how perceived monogamy is just that, perception. Perception can be reality for one who unwaveringly believes in it, yes. Is it reality in the absolute sense? History usually tells the tale.

[Striver]

It sounds like you’re fully aware that your exW settled to marry you. Why was it okay with you then?

 

I had no idea at the time my exW settled to marry me. She seemed ecstatic. Beaming at the wedding. I was the one who was more reluctant.

 

I was 38 and she 28 when we met. Her sexual history that she told me was: first was a ONS in college. 3 year relationship with another man who wouldn't commit to her. (not the current H) Another relationship with a foreign national who wound up moving back to his home country, she said she almost followed him. I was the strong steady guy who would be there for her.

 

Obviously, in retrospect, she was getting older, all friends are getting married and starting families. When she left it was late 30s, right on schedule as well, kids are about 3. It's kind of a cliche. But from her actions during courtship, I could not tell anything was up at the time. Her current H, I met a couple of times while we were dating, not thereafter. She was generally scrupulous about informing me if there were any men she was in contact with as friends. Then all of a sudden, one day it was okay to blow up the marriage.

 

What can I say, this is all sort of cliched woman behavior if you are into the red-pill sort of thing from the male perspective.

 

 

In another thread, you also mentioned that you married late. So you had been single until very late?

 

I didn't really push to start dating at all until 35, 36 or so. Very reluctant due to personal issues. I didn't want to engage with women, but I wasn't happy with my life. Understandably I was not going to mess around too much if I felt I had a good prospect. Don't really know what I would do different there, it's just my path. I don't want to fool myself.

[brigit87]

I

 

I didn't really push to start dating at all until 35, 36 or so. Very reluctant due to personal issues. I didn't want to engage with women, but I wasn't happy with my life. Understandably I was not going to mess around too much if I felt I had a good prospect. Don't really know what I would do different there, it's just my path. I don't want to fool myself.

 

Middle age is an odd time to start dating. Maybe work on those personal issues.

[Garlend]

I like that philosophy personally, who's business is it anyway, but humans seem to always be up in each others business, judging each other's business, criticizing each other's business, attacking each other's business, seeking to dominate and control each other's business, well, you get the drift

 

The way I look at it is truly monogamous (with others) folks would never diddle me, sexually or emotionally, right? It's their business. OK

 

Oh, my God!

 

You should be awarded the Pulitzer Prize for posting such profound philosophical wisdom.

 

Not only that, I concur 100%.

[hotpotato]

What exactly kind of relationship do you mean? Plural marriages? Being swingers? Plural marriages have obvious pitfalls as in not enough wives to go around. Some women could very well decide it's better to be the rich man's 2nd or 3rd wife than Average Joe's only wife. Then there's all the kids that can come about.

 

Plural relationships seems hotbeds of negative emotions. Maybe this is from watching too many crime shows, but they can turn very, very negative and can gave some of the same issues as having a cheating spouse (anger, jealousy).

[SmartDude]

What exactly kind of relationship do you mean? Plural marriages? Being swingers? Plural marriages have obvious pitfalls as in not enough wives to go around. Some women could very well decide it's better to be the rich man's 2nd or 3rd wife than Average Joe's only wife. Then there's all the kids that can come about.

 

Plural relationships seems hotbeds of negative emotions. Maybe this is from watching too many crime shows, but they can turn very, very negative and can gave some of the same issues as having a cheating spouse (anger, jealousy).

 

I don't know. Maybe it has not even been invented yet. It seems that there are so many different types of relationships that are possible. Marriages would not be needed if people could build smaller living spaces that did not require mortgages and a life long commitment to the banks. And as for the children I say take hints from nature. It has been proven that sexual atraction for a mate goes down after having a child together. You see a lot of these types of relationships were the couple splits by the time the kid(s) are 3 or 4 years old. I predict that the future will actually look a lot like the past. You will be married and have kids but that person won't neccecarily be your lifelong romantic/sexual partner.

[Striver]

Middle age is an odd time to start dating. Maybe work on those personal issues.

 

For a woman it might be odd. For a man, watch The 40 Year Old Virgin.

 

This advice will be useful if I have access to reincarnation or a time machine. I probably would do anything to force myself to deal with my issues earlier. I considered them shameful and it took me decades to talk about them.

 

Talk therapy engaged my intellect, which was not my problem. I needed to nurture and harness my capacity for action and arousal. Eventually, I figured out ways to do that. But no one is going to tell you which girl or guy to go after. It took me a while to figure out I just had to go for it. There was always a reason for me to put it off, to say no.

[Striver]

I don't think monogamy is the most natural human form. But it is the most productive human form.

 

The most natural human form? Well, females are more sexually desirable than males. Males have to compete to get sex from a female. This can lead to violence. We are smart creatures and have guns, bullets, and more. Bullets know no alpha or beta. Violence can also be used by males on females.

 

If violence is out of the picture, then there is the option of a "woman chooses" matriarchy. Women have sole choice over who their partner of the moment is. These tend to be not very productive societies. The men wander the periphery, not having much incentive to contribute whether they're getting laid or not. The women don't have much incentive either, since they always have choices available.

 

Monogamy harnesses the energy men expend on competing with each other in the most efficient manner. Maybe we're at the end of work, computers will run everything in a one world society. We'll see if that holds.

[No_Go]

In that vein monogamy provides a common point of belief, a constancy, which many people find comforting.

 

I think that's what it is ^. Plus the need to 'possess'.

 

In the past it was asset+children management issue, now it is more of vanity mixed with anxiety and insecurities in most cases.

 

There are absolutely legit reasons for monogamy too - mainly time management, and desire to focus all resources on one person.

 

However, the latter usually is a mutual unspoken agreement. It still makes my skin crawl when I hear ladies and dudes 'requesting' monogamy to possess a person. E.g. there was a lady that put an ultimatum on her live-in BF- if he doesn't wife her by the end of their lease, they part ways. That I'd call forced monogamy and is as sick as it gets.

[brigit87]

E.g. there was a lady that put an ultimatum on her live-in BF- if he doesn't wife her by the end of their lease, they part ways. That I'd call forced monogamy and is as sick as it gets.

 

IDK I've heard of way more sicker stuff than that.

 

I waited till there was a ring on my finger before I moved in with my now husband. We both wanted monogamy it makes life easier.