Relationship with GF at a crossroads - can I love?

[norudder]

I get that. Just pointing out while it's important, it's often given far too much weight over the respect for emotional attraction needed to sustain a relationship which doesn't seem to be involved here.

[OneParadox]

Dating in your 50's is definitively quite different than dating in your 20's. Your expectations should be quite different. Both you and your dates already have quite a bit of baggage. And both you and your dates are more set on your/their ways than anyone would like to admit. Merging lives at this point is quite difficult. I have seen plenty of relationships of this type disintegrate after a while. I am not saying all of your relationships are doomed, but you should be walking in with the expectation that your lives are more likely than not to remain un-merged. You can still love, have fun and enjoy the company, but realize few people are willing to make a whole lot of compromises after spending years building their own lives and dealing with their own baggage.

[Striver]

Dating in your 50's is definitively quite different than dating in your 20's. Your expectations should be quite different. Both you and your dates already have quite a bit of baggage. And both you and your dates are more set on your/their ways than anyone would like to admit. Merging lives at this point is quite difficult. I have seen plenty of relationships of this type disintegrate after a while. I am not saying all of your relationships are doomed, but you should be walking in with the expectation that your lives are more likely than not to remain un-merged. You can still love, have fun and enjoy the company, but realize few people are willing to make a whole lot of compromises after spending years building their own lives and dealing with their own baggage.

 

I hear you. I think there must be a German word for the sort of sadness I feel about that. My parents had each other into their greying years, 50s and 60s, most of my friends and relatives. Yes, I see the danger in the sort of relationship I have currently, maintaining the interest without the common kids.

 

I intend to be careful. It would not be for the faint of heart. Some people who are more religious might be interested. Don't know if I will go in that direction. Probably need to make a decision before too much time passes.

 

I am religious and do attend church. Take my kids. That's one potential angle. Frankly, if not for the kids, if it mattered, I would get an annulment from the ex. Misrepresentation. I'm not Catholic, but I would have NO problem getting one if I were. A truly legit annulment.

 

So if I feel a marriage to someone that is legitimately trying is an unmet need of mine, and I can do enough vetting and want to compromise other things, I might be interested.

[Striver]

But if only he had more lust for her... because that's the issue in the way of a successful relationship here for him....

 

It seems to be an issue for the GF. I am not criticizing her. I told her she may need to be loved in a different way than I love her.

 

I am not very good at expressing lust. Long running issue. Lots of other things I have no problem with. Healthy expressions of lust, just not something I do well.

 

I have complimented the GF, said she looked nice and genuinely meant it. It doesn't seem to be enough. Before she knew my age, she thought that I was too young for her. I'm six years older. By her admission, she's a little overweight. So maybe that whole combination is something she's not happy with.

 

I didn't have the same issue with compliments etc. with the xW, and that relationship had its own awkwardness. Two different women with different needs. If things don't work out with the GF, I would probably just look for a relationship where this wasn't an issue. I know that all relationships have issues.

[Striver]

You wouldn’t even let your gf meet your kids, after 2.5 years of dating, and you’re complaining she’s not going to be their stepmom? Btw, by this, did you mean she doesn’t see herself marrying again? By definition, if she’s married to you, then she becomes the stepmom. But since your kids already have a biological mother, your gf can’t play mother to them (but, again, this is a moot point as you wouldn’t even let her meet your kids).

 

You sound very entitled if you think your gf should do all you described to be “all in”, considering how little you’ve let her in.

 

Keep in mind I don't blame the GF for backing off. I agree with many of her points.

 

I was too protective with my kids, wanted to segment things too much. That was a mistake. I cannot take all of the divorce fallout on myself, it will kill me.

 

I was jaded and dazed after my marriage was blown up. All of that work, all of those experiences, and it just didn't mean a damn thing. So I was too scared that overtures towards being closer didn't mean anything in the long run.

 

I also didn't really know where to go with the whole long distance thing, who am I, where is this all going. I knew how to be single and get married, did not expect to be divorced with three kids, and I really just didn't know what to do or what to trust.

 

But the GF is not part of that past really, and I don't shy away from any accusations that my ongoing baggage made things less than ideal.

 

I did call her regularly, showed up regularly. Did boyfriend stuff, helped her with her house when that came up. Emotionally I agree I didn't show a lot of interest in pushing things forward. It was coming quite slowly, I agree.

 

Edit: I will ask the GF about marriage. She made the comment about not being a stepmom relatively early on, so I would presume it wasn't related to anything I was doing or not doing at that point yet.

Edited July 13, 2018 by Striver