They tried to tell me.

[bathtub-row]

Btw, I meant to add that it sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and he’s going to be a great dad, too!

[preraph]

I like the parenting class idea. Luckily, we already agree on discipline. It appears that I will be the stricter parent. I refuse to be as strict and punitive as my parents though.

 

I can always call my therapist if I need help with parenting.

 

I still think you should take the parenting class since all of your role models were bad ones, so you might agree on something that isn't good! Just go and take one. They don't last long. You'll learn some useful information and feel more confident. Good luck!

[BettyDraper]

I still think you should take the parenting class since all of your role models were bad ones, so you might agree on something that isn't good! Just go and take one. They don't last long. You'll learn some useful information and feel more confident. Good luck!

 

Wow...

 

I trust that we are quite capable of agreeing on good parenting methods despite our pasts. Keep in mind that many parents have great childhoods yet they still make serious mistakes while raising their childre. It's not healthy to stigmatize parents who have had abusive childhoods...especially when they have decided not to let their pasts inform their parenting.

 

Have a great evening.

Edited August 15, 2018 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

So happy for you! Now, you know that the Betty Draper on Mad Men wasn’t much of a mom. Lol.

 

I knew someone who’s husband didn’t have a reversal and she got pregnant anyway. Talk about tongues wagging. It was, however, her husband’s child.

 

Don’t let the abuse thing cause you to think you won’t be a good mother. If anything, it has taught you what not to do. I know several people who were abused as children and they’ve made great parents. Far better than some who were overly-sheltered. It’s your choice.

 

Yeah, Betty wasn't a good mother. I chose this middle name to poke fun at my beliefs and my occupation as a housewife.

 

Pregnancies after a vasectomy are usually the result of not being diligent about sperm analyses after the procedure. Pregnancy after a vasectomy which has be verified by a urologist as successful are extremely rare.

 

While our respective childhoods can lead to parenting challenges, I believe that my husband and I are conscientious and intelligent enough to be better parents than we had. We are finished with using our childhood experiences as a reason to miss out on the joys of parenting. If someone is determined to abuse her child, all the parenting classes or books in the world will not make a difference.

[BettyDraper]

Btw, I meant to add that it sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and he’s going to be a great dad, too!

 

Yes, he is wonderful. I've seen my husband interact with kids and he is great with them. My husband is so patient, loving, and playful with children.

[BTDT2012]

Best of luck to you on your path to parenthood.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My mum came from a very abusive childhood. She went in the other direction and has always been the kindest and most loving mother to me and my brother

 

 

Best of luck.

[merrmeade]

It sounds to me like you’ve already transcended whatever hold that aspect of your childhood had on your subconscious and thoroughly exhumed what it was and meant. Do you think you have? You want to be free of your painful childhood for yourself. Part of being free of abuse is allowing yourself to feel that you deserve success and happiness.

 

The question is whether your behavior, thoughts and values are based on conscious choices or whether they’re driven by impulses you can’t control. IF you can say you’ve really dug out all those skeletons in the back of your mental closet, you’re actually ahead of parents that’ve never examined what influences their actions.

 

So if your therapist thinks you’re ready then maybe you just need to give yourself that blessing, too. Do you feel you’ve discussed this step thoroughly with your therapist?

Edited August 26, 2018 by merrmeade

[BettyDraper]

It sounds to me like you’ve already transcended whatever hold that aspect of your childhood had on your subconscious and thoroughly exhumed what it was and meant. Do you think you have? You want to be free of your painful childhood for yourself. Part of being free of abuse is allowing yourself to feel that you deserve success and happiness.

 

The question is whether your behavior, thoughts and values are based on conscious choices or whether they’re driven by impulses you can’t control. IF you can say you’ve really dug out all those skeletons in the back of your mental closet, you’re actually ahead of parents that’ve never examined what influences their actions.

 

So if your therapist thinks you’re ready then maybe you just need to give yourself that blessing, too. Do you feel you’ve discussed this step thoroughly with your therapist?

 

For the most part, I believe that my behavior reflects conscious and positive decisions. Sometimes I raise my voice when I am angry but that has been minimized. I have yet to meet a mother who has never shouted at her child. Yelling will not be the norm in our house though. Being screamed at all the time causes anxiety.

 

My therapist is very excited for me and she thinks that I would make an excellent mother. She has expressed similar sentiments to yours. I will continue to explore my concerns with her though.

 

As for our marriage, our main conflict is how we are approaching trying to conceive. I am not worried about my husband's vasectomy reversal. I am much more concerned about my fertility at my advanced age. I have a new GP because the other one was too far. My new doctor is confident that I am still fertile; he has insisted that we try before he sends me to an OB/GYN for a fertility evaluation. My new doctor has also asked me to stop researching age and fertility on the internet.

 

My husband is more positive than I am about being able to conceive a child and he thinks that I am being too negative about our chances. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst while my husband is already talking like we're certainly going to have a child. Most of the things I worry about never happens and anxiety is awful for conceiving.

[merrmeade]

For the most part, I believe that my behavior reflects conscious and positive decisions. Sometimes I raise my voice when I am angry but that has been minimized. I have yet to meet a mother who has never shouted at her child. Yelling will not be the norm in our house though. Being screamed at all the time causes anxiety.

 

My therapist is very excited for me and she thinks that I would make an excellent mother. She has expressed similar sentiments to yours. I will continue to explore my concerns with her though.

 

As for our marriage, our main conflict is how we are approaching trying to conceive. I am not worried about my husband's vasectomy reversal. I am much more concerned about my fertility at my advanced age. I have a new GP because the other one was too far. My new doctor is confident that I am still fertile; he has insisted that we try before he sends me to an OB/GYN for a fertility evaluation. My new doctor has also asked me to stop researching age and fertility on the internet.

 

My husband is more positive than I am about being able to conceive a child and he thinks that I am being too negative about our chances. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst while my husband is already talking like we're certainly going to have a child. Most of the things I worry about never happens and anxiety is awful for conceiving.

Everything about your situation makes me really happy, especially considering my daughter's recent decision which I wrote about in another thread. I hope deeply it does happen for you. You've worked for it on every level and deserve it.

[Assil]

Sometimes all it takes is the right partner and healing for people to change their minds about important relationships.

 

My husband and I know that we don't have to follow in our parents' footsteps. We know better so we can do better.

 

I'm so happy that acupuncture worked for you! I've heard that it's great for fertility. I have excellent reproductive health but I am already enhancing it with supplements. My husband is doing the same. We still need to have his vasectomy reversed so we are not trying yet. We're just saving towards the procedure because it's not cheap.

 

Okay another perspective here... As someone who had a baby after being sure she was childfree for life, I don't know that I would do it all again if I had the chance. Think long and hard about your decision. Life without kids is beautiful too. My life is still good and I love my daughter but it is very hard and I often wonder what I was thinking because parenting is really only 5% good and 95% bone crushing hard work. It's really really hard and it can destroy a relationship. Just giving you some perspective from a different point of view. Just think for yourself and don't let other people's opinion's impact you. It is your life and there's nothing wrong with being childfree if that's what you choose.

 

And I was told over and over as well that I was great with kids. It's true, I am. But I just never wanted to have my own and that is fine, even if I'm great with kids. But I went against my own feelings because after years of therapy I thought "I'm healed! I can do the same things that give other people joy!" But the reality was that I just didn't want kids, and there was nothing unhealthy with that at all. My life is okay, I love my daughter and things will be fine and hopefully very good eventually... But I really have learned a lot since making this decision and I was totally gobsmacked by the reality of it. I thought I would be basking in love and just floating on a cloud as a parent and the reality is nothing like that.

Edited August 28, 2018 by Assil

[noelle303]

Okay another perspective here... As someone who had a baby after being sure she was childfree for life, I don't know that I would do it all again if I had the chance. Think long and hard about your decision. Life without kids is beautiful too. My life is still good and I love my daughter but it is very hard and I often wonder what I was thinking because parenting is really only 5% good and 95% bone crushing hard work. It's really really hard and it can destroy a relationship. Just giving you some perspective from a different point of view. Just think for yourself and don't let other people's opinion's impact you. It is your life and there's nothing wrong with being childfree if that's what you choose.

 

And I was told over and over as well that I was great with kids. It's true, I am. But I just never wanted to have my own and that is fine, even if I'm great with kids. But I went against my own feelings because after years of therapy I thought "I'm healed! I can do the same things that give other people joy!" But the reality was that I just didn't want kids, and there was nothing unhealthy with that at all. My life is okay, I love my daughter and things will be fine and hopefully very good eventually... But I really have learned a lot since making this decision and I was totally gobsmacked by the reality of it. I thought I would be basking in love and just floating on a cloud as a parent and the reality is nothing like that.

 

I absolutely agree. There's nothing unhealthy about not wanting to have kids and it's nothing that needs fixing.

 

However, it is also entirely possible to change one's mind about it. I guess, this is something only Betty can know and it does seem like she thought long and hard about it.

 

This really is a highly individual decision and a highly individual experience. I personally never thought about having kids until getting pregnant with my daughter. Before her I would have happily remained childless. And having her completely changed everything.

 

And motherhood so far has not been that difficult for me. And by saying that I really don't want to undermine anyone's experience or imply that anyone who has a more difficult time is doing anything wrong. I just want to point out that it really differs from person to person and child to child.

 

Betty, I wish you all the luck on your journey!

[Assil]

I agree it’s very individual- some will love it and some will not. Unfortunately you can’t know for certain until you have a child!

 

Especially since both her husband and she were very adamant about being CF at one point, I’d just recommend doing some research to read other people’s stories, the ones that are less glowingly positive... just to prepare because there’s the potential (hopefully not!) that either one of them could look back and lament why they changed their mind about being CF.

 

A google search for “I love my child but” brings up quite a bit of the other side. Before I had a child I would assume that those negative posts were from only the laziest, immature, most unprepared and unloving ppl but now I know that isn’t true at all.

 

So just research the good and bad and be very true to yourself, Betty. I hope whatever ends up happening that you are very happy!

[shellybing]

Everyone told me that this would happen.

 

For years, my husband and I were committed to living a childfree life. My husband even had a vasectomy. I started getting baby fever three years ago but I forced myself to ignore the visceral longing for a child. I felt that I was too damaged emotionally to be a good mother and I have some health issues which could worsen pregnancy and post partum. I was intellectualizing a choice which is not entirely rational. The need for a baby only became more intense with each year.

 

My husband always said that he didn't want to be a father. When we started planning our Catholic wedding, we became aware that a marriage in the Catholic church is only valid if the couple is "open to life". My husband and I had many philosophical discussions about parenting and our unhappy childhoods. One evening, we were watching a tv show and there was a scene which depicted a woman giving birth and then holding her baby. I burst into tears. I think that was the moment my husband decided that he wanted to have a child. I was open with my husband about my maternal urges and perhaps getting a dog to quell them. My husband said "Our vacations and pets are not going to satisfy your need to be a mother. I love you and I believe that you would be a great parent. That's why I'm willing to reverse my vasectomy so that we can start trying. I know I will love our baby."

 

During wedding planning, my mother and I have become much closer. We have had some difficult conversations but we handled them with maturity and grace. She was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and perhaps my mother's mortality has been integral in changing my feelings toward becoming a parent myself. My mother has promised that she will be one of my greatest sources of support during my pregnancy and right after the baby is born. My mother wants to come and help with her grandchild as she did with my brother's son. She even said that she would gladly pay for a night nurse so that I can get my sleep. Sleep is crucial for a woman who has the health issues that I live with. When I told my mother that we have decided to start a family, she laughed and said "I knew this day would come!"

 

I'm terrified of being a bad mother because I abused as a child. I'm also afraid of my illness becoming more pronounced because the pregnancy would be considered high risk. Nevertheless, my doctor has convinced me that I am just as capable as any other woman. He feels that my illness is well managed and I will do fine as long as I have a strong support system. I have had years of therapy. I have also had many years of experience with children and all of my loved ones believe that I would make an excellent mother. Sometimes my friends said that they didn't understand why I didn't want children because their kids adore me. I am also a devoted and involved aunt.

 

I've done some research on vasectomy reversal and the numbers are favorable. It helps that my husband had a very high sperm count right before he had the vasectomy. I am also quite fertile and my reproductive system is in excellent shape. While I understand that fertility decreases with each year past 35, I have seen many women have healthy babies well into their 40s.

 

My husband and I ready to stop letting fear keep us from the beautiful experience of parenting. We both have so much love to give. May God bless us with a lovely child which will will always cherish.

 

Even the best parents, still have ****ed up children lol

 

Nobody is perfect, You will do fine.

 

Good luck.

[umarmalkh]

Nothing feeling good on earth like may kids in a family i believe this experience for parenting must be tested by every marriage couple so i think you made the right decision of having a kid.

[BettyDraper]

I agree it’s very individual- some will love it and some will not. Unfortunately you can’t know for certain until you have a child!

 

Especially since both her husband and she were very adamant about being CF at one point, I’d just recommend doing some research to read other people’s stories, the ones that are less glowingly positive... just to prepare because there’s the potential (hopefully not!) that either one of them could look back and lament why they changed their mind about being CF.

 

A google search for “I love my child but” brings up quite a bit of the other side. Before I had a child I would assume that those negative posts were from only the laziest, immature, most unprepared and unloving ppl but now I know that isn’t true at all.

 

So just research the good and bad and be very true to yourself, Betty. I hope whatever ends up happening that you are very happy!

 

I'm glad that you posted this because I'm starting to have doubts.

My husband and I truly enjoy our freedom. We love being able to do whatever we want without being tied down. We also love having disposable income. I don't know if I want to give up those luxuries. Last year, we went to Europe and had the time of our lives. This year, we're going to a lovely resort in the Caribbean. We won't be able to afford trips like that for years if we have a child. I'm concerned that I may end up resenting our child because of all the life changes.

 

If we are able to conceive in the first year of trying, my husband will be 46 when our child is born and I think that is rather old to become a first time dad. I wouldn't think this way if my husband was in his early 40s.

 

Our respective ages increase the risks of birth defects, mental illness, and disabilities for our future child. I don't like those risks at all.

 

I know that we are quite capable of being happy without children. My husband says that he is fine either way and we can always just get a dog if I need someone to nurture.

 

Being a parent seems like a lot of joy with a high price. The idea of having a child is great but the reality seems grueling.

[Assil]

I hear you on all that you posted. Before I had a child I would have thought "just take a leap, it will all work out!" But now I know better. Good for you for thinking this through.

 

I think a good thing to consider is if raising a child is how you want to spend a large portion of your time for the next 18 years. The joy that everyone says you’ll feel as a parent is not a guarantee and can be found in many ways, and I think spending time doing what makes you most fulfilled brings the most joy. There are a lot of things to do in this world, and if you could pick anything to spend the majority of your time on this earth doing, would child rearing be number 1? Or even number 2 or 3? Some people so strongly want kids in their lives that they would answer that yes, this is the thing they want to do above all else.

 

Maybe you and your husband should both write out lists of your life priorities and where spending time raising a child into an adult (not just "having a baby") is on your list.

 

For me, had I really asked myself before this happened what I wanted to do with my time I would have said 1. Express myself creatively 2. Spend time with my husband and 3. Explore the world.

 

Because it’s such an enormous commitment, I think if you want to have a kid, raising a kid better be somewhere at the top of your list.

[BettyDraper]

I hear you on all that you posted. Before I had a child I would have thought "just take a leap, it will all work out!" But now I know better. Good for you for thinking this through.

 

I think a good thing to consider is if raising a child is how you want to spend a large portion of your time for the next 18 years. The joy that everyone says you’ll feel as a parent is not a guarantee and can be found in many ways, and I think spending time doing what makes you most fulfilled brings the most joy. There are a lot of things to do in this world, and if you could pick anything to spend the majority of your time on this earth doing, would child rearing be number 1? Or even number 2 or 3? Some people so strongly want kids in their lives that they would answer that yes, this is the thing they want to do above all else.

 

Maybe you and your husband should both write out lists of your life priorities and where spending time raising a child into an adult (not just "having a baby") is on your list.

 

For me, had I really asked myself before this happened what I wanted to do with my time I would have said 1. Express myself creatively 2. Spend time with my husband and 3. Explore the world.

 

Because it’s such an enormous commitment, I think if you want to have a kid, raising a kid better be somewhere at the top of your list.

 

Parenting is probably number 3 or 4 for both of us.

 

We both love to travel and enjoy special time with each other.

 

We've just put down a deposit on a puppy. We're in for a lot of work and huge adjustments but we have wanted a dog for years.

[Leigh 87]

I hear you on all that you posted. Before I had a child I would have thought "just take a leap, it will all work out!" But now I know better. Good for you for thinking this through.

 

I think a good thing to consider is if raising a child is how you want to spend a large portion of your time for the next 18 years. The joy that everyone says you’ll feel as a parent is not a guarantee and can be found in many ways, and I think spending time doing what makes you most fulfilled brings the most joy. There are a lot of things to do in this world, and if you could pick anything to spend the majority of your time on this earth doing, would child rearing be number 1? Or even number 2 or 3? Some people so strongly want kids in their lives that they would answer that yes, this is the thing they want to do above all else.

 

Maybe you and your husband should both write out lists of your life priorities and where spending time raising a child into an adult (not just "having a baby") is on your list.

 

For me, had I really asked myself before this happened what I wanted to do with my time I would have said 1. Express myself creatively 2. Spend time with my husband and 3. Explore the world.

 

Because it’s such an enormous commitment, I think if you want to have a kid, raising a kid better be somewhere at the top of your list.

 

 

 

Interesting.

 

That list changes too.

 

I want a child above all else - even if I never travel again, and even if I was forced to pick between being in a stable albeit low or average income for life with no travel or luxuries - I would still favour having and raiding a healthy child, over all the travel and cosmetics and luxuries in the world.

 

Before age 31, I would have picked travel and career first.

 

I sort of rate career and stability very very highly, as an intelligent person I do need a legit profession and a tertiary education with a degree - for me to feel whole and totally like myself... But lifewise, life without a child would feel equally as empty as a life with a menial job but childlessness would be a worser grief.

 

So things change, kids are a clear 1 for me, followed my career and then travel - and I LOVE to travel and even have a compass tattood on my back which I got based on my love of travel. I have loved travelling since I was a young child so to rate kids above it is a big deal.

[Leigh 87]

I agree it’s very individual- some will love it and some will not. Unfortunately you can’t know for certain until you have a child!

 

Especially since both her husband and she were very adamant about being CF at one point, I’d just recommend doing some research to read other people’s stories, the ones that are less glowingly positive... just to prepare because there’s the potential (hopefully not!) that either one of them could look back and lament why they changed their mind about being CF.

 

A google search for “I love my child but” brings up quite a bit of the other side. Before I had a child I would assume that those negative posts were from only the laziest, immature, most unprepared and unloving ppl but now I know that isn’t true at all.

 

So just research the good and bad and be very true to yourself, Betty. I hope whatever ends up happening that you are very happy!

 

 

 

Interestingly, people who are infertile and yearn for a child - who then go on and have miracle babies - are the ones who have the highest rate of post part um depression.

 

Look up infertility and post natal depression. The stats are staggeringly in favour of infertile couples most apt to developing depression due to the new life that they fought so hard for, and likely spend 10s of thousands on making it happen:sick:

 

As an infertile woman who will likely go on to have kids with help (stats are very favourable for PCOS with asissted conception if the PCOS is mild and well managed with supplements and etc) - I am under no ollusion that having a baby is a magic happy pill; it will not make me magically a happier person, I need to live the life I want to live without children and find joys irrespective of whether or not I am to conceive. I may never conceive so I tend to not tie up all my happiness into whether or not I will get kids.

 

The trouble is, a lot of parents who are blessed with healthy children and come into good luck, always like to tell childless people that they will never know love until kids, and that people without kids cannot possible feel the same degree/measure of happiness, without children.

 

This is a dangerous myth. Missing out on the unique and all consuming "love" a child brings, does not automatically make all parents "happier" on a daily basis, than all non parents....

 

So long as prospective parents to be lik the OP and myself are not under some illusion that having kids will be a insta happy pill, I think people like us who leave kids later in life, will manage just fine.

 

Kids should be a happy edition, not a case of "without kids we will be less happy, and with kids we will experience a superior amazing level of happiness every day":sick:

 

A lot of people DO truly believe kids make them a lot happier.

[BettyDraper]

Interestingly, people who are infertile and yearn for a child - who then go on and have miracle babies - are the ones who have the highest rate of post part um depression.

 

Look up infertility and post natal depression. The stats are staggeringly in favour of infertile couples most apt to developing depression due to the new life that they fought so hard for, and likely spend 10s of thousands on making it happen:sick:

 

As an infertile woman who will likely go on to have kids with help (stats are very favourable for PCOS with asissted conception if the PCOS is mild and well managed with supplements and etc) - I am under no ollusion that having a baby is a magic happy pill; it will not make me magically a happier person, I need to live the life I want to live without children and find joys irrespective of whether or not I am to conceive. I may never conceive so I tend to not tie up all my happiness into whether or not I will get kids.

 

The trouble is, a lot of parents who are blessed with healthy children and come into good luck, always like to tell childless people that they will never know love until kids, and that people without kids cannot possible feel the same degree/measure of happiness, without children.

 

This is a dangerous myth. Missing out on the unique and all consuming "love" a child brings, does not automatically make all parents "happier" on a daily basis, than all non parents....

 

So long as prospective parents to be lik the OP and myself are not under some illusion that having kids will be a insta happy pill, I think people like us who leave kids later in life, will manage just fine.

 

Kids should be a happy edition, not a case of "without kids we will be less happy, and with kids we will experience a superior amazing level of happiness every day":sick:

 

A lot of people DO truly believe kids make them a lot happier.

 

I've read that parents experience higher highs and lower lows. Parenting is emotionally intense. People often idealize certain types of relationships.

 

My need to have a child is visceral and hormonal. It is a yearning which defies all logic. However, I think that perhaps I was romanticizing parenthood. I was dreaming of telling my husband I was pregnant, announcing the pregnancy to my family and friends, feeling our baby kicking inside me, and having a little person to love. Admittedly, I was also looking forward to not feeling left out among parents anymore.

 

We'll just travel and spoil our dog.

[Leigh 87]

I'm glad that you posted this because I'm starting to have doubts.

My husband and I truly enjoy our freedom. We love being able to do whatever we want without being tied down. We also love having disposable income. I don't know if I want to give up those luxuries. Last year, we went to Europe and had the time of our lives. This year, we're going to a lovely resort in the Caribbean. We won't be able to afford trips like that for years if we have a child. I'm concerned that I may end up resenting our child because of all the life changes.

 

If we are able to conceive in the first year of trying, my husband will be 46 when our child is born and I think that is rather old to become a first time dad. I wouldn't think this way if my husband was in his early 40s.

 

Our respective ages increase the risks of birth defects, mental illness, and disabilities for our future child. I don't like those risks at all.

 

I know that we are quite capable of being happy without children. My husband says that he is fine either way and we can always just get a dog if I need someone to nurture.

 

Being a parent seems like a lot of joy with a high price. The idea of having a child is great but the reality seems grueling.

 

 

I have held onto the deep desire to procreate for a solid year and a half now, non stop. Constant.

 

I love travel more than anyone can yet I would give up a LIFETIME of ever travelling again, in favour of raising a healthy child.

 

I am willing to give it all up should the child turn out to be disabled too - it is a risk I am willing to happily take, since my drive to be a parent is all encompassing. I am literally willing to throw some of my dreams aside, and throw myself into parenting as my number one dream.

 

The biological urge is real and driving your feelings. It also passes with time. My friends adopted due to wanting to make the world a better place and avoid carbon footprints (they are vegans, animal activists etc). They had the biological urges too, but apparently it passes with time.

 

Really, I believe most people are perfectly capable of being EQUALLY as happy as parents. The people who are miserable are the ones who only ever aspired to being mothers, and cannot find meaning in life without having a child. Where as you seem more like me - if I am unable to ever conceive due to my pcos - I will be heartbroken. Devastated. I know I would get he "you would have been a good mother" comments as I am good with certain kids and have been told this many times. I would carry a certain weight of sadness for the rest of my life - but....

 

I would recover. I would go on to be equally as happy in life as I would have been, had I not been infertile.

 

And so too, would you recover from opting to remain child free, or if you were childless not by choice. It really is not a decision that will make you so much happier - you would just be happy in a different way...

 

Please DO NOT let the mums club type of mothers sway your decision. IGNORE their " I just did not know what true love or happiness is" crap. NOT all mothers feel the overwhelming, dizzying primal type of love, for a lot of mothers it is an effort to parent and it is not very joyous at all. You would have had a disabled kid, you may have lost them to cancer at a young age - really, not having a child may well have made you HAPPIER than if you say, had a child with severe disabilities.

 

I do not actually think you are at my wavelength regarding kids. I would happily give travel beauty treatments and any luxuries up, if it means raising a child that was healthy... The ONLY thing I rate EQUAL to a child is my career - I feel proud to graduate soon as a podiatrist, and I like having friends so ..... as long as I am a podiatrist that talks to my friends occasionally - I really do not want for anything else other than a child.

 

The travel stuff is just a bonus. And Trust me.. I LOVE and live for overseas travel, I even have that tattoo I spoke of and have begged my mum and dad since I was FIVE to travel a lot. We used to play the capital city game where I could name all the countries capitals by age 7......

 

For me to give up travel for a child - it is kind of a big deal, but it is not even a question, I do not have a shred of doubt; I would rather just raise a healthy child. I would not even think twice about what I was giving up, it is a far second, my other passions are to raising a happy, healthy child.

 

I hope sharing my perspective and reading the thoughts of others has helped you, I personally think it is worth the risk and have absolutely no doubts - and also, no illusions about it either - I realise post natal depression could occur and I realise the myriad of crap that can go wrong, and I realise it will not be walking on cloud 9 (hopefully the day of the birth or month after I may get the baby high LOL but ya know, I am not counting on ANYTHING going to plan)

[BettyDraper]

I have held onto the deep desire to procreate for a solid year and a half now, non stop. Constant.

 

I love travel more than anyone can yet I would give up a LIFETIME of ever travelling again, in favour of raising a healthy child.

 

I am willing to give it all up should the child turn out to be disabled too - it is a risk I am willing to happily take, since my drive to be a parent is all encompassing. I am literally willing to throw some of my dreams aside, and throw myself into parenting as my number one dream.

 

The biological urge is real and driving your feelings. It also passes with time. My friends adopted due to wanting to make the world a better place and avoid carbon footprints (they are vegans, animal activists etc). They had the biological urges too, but apparently it passes with time.

 

Really, I believe most people are perfectly capable of being EQUALLY as happy as parents. The people who are miserable are the ones who only ever aspired to being mothers, and cannot find meaning in life without having a child. Where as you seem more like me - if I am unable to ever conceive due to my pcos - I will be heartbroken. Devastated. I know I would get he "you would have been a good mother" comments as I am good with certain kids and have been told this many times. I would carry a certain weight of sadness for the rest of my life - but....

 

I would recover. I would go on to be equally as happy in life as I would have been, had I not been infertile.

 

And so too, would you recover from opting to remain child free, or if you were childless not by choice. It really is not a decision that will make you so much happier - you would just be happy in a different way...

 

Please DO NOT let the mums club type of mothers sway your decision. IGNORE their " I just did not know what true love or happiness is" crap. NOT all mothers feel the overwhelming, dizzying primal type of love, for a lot of mothers it is an effort to parent and it is not very joyous at all. You would have had a disabled kid, you may have lost them to cancer at a young age - really, not having a child may well have made you HAPPIER than if you say, had a child with severe disabilities.

 

I do not actually think you are at my wavelength regarding kids. I would happily give travel beauty treatments and any luxuries up, if it means raising a child that was healthy... The ONLY thing I rate EQUAL to a child is my career - I feel proud to graduate soon as a podiatrist, and I like having friends so ..... as long as I am a podiatrist that talks to my friends occasionally - I really do not want for anything else other than a child.

 

The travel stuff is just a bonus. And Trust me.. I LOVE and live for overseas travel, I even have that tattoo I spoke of and have begged my mum and dad since I was FIVE to travel a lot. We used to play the capital city game where I could name all the countries capitals by age 7......

 

For me to give up travel for a child - it is kind of a big deal, but it is not even a question, I do not have a shred of doubt; I would rather just raise a healthy child. I would not even think twice about what I was giving up, it is a far second, my other passions are to raising a happy, healthy child.

 

I hope sharing my perspective and reading the thoughts of others has helped you, I personally think it is worth the risk and have absolutely no doubts - and also, no illusions about it either - I realise post natal depression could occur and I realise the myriad of crap that can go wrong, and I realise it will not be walking on cloud 9 (hopefully the day of the birth or month after I may get the baby high LOL but ya know, I am not counting on ANYTHING going to plan)

 

Social pressure is very powerful. I have been badgered about my decision from many people and had my femininity called into question.

 

I think that having barely any freedom growing up is why I am so protective of it now. I love being able to do whatever I want. I'm told that having a dog will also restrict me but I don't think that it will be nearly as restrictive as being a parent.

 

I must say that my desire to have a child has always been fleeting. This is not the first time I have thought about becoming a mother but logic and love of my current life always won out. It's not healthy to bring a child into this world unless he or she is wanted.