Author smile95 Posted September 4, 2005 Author Share Posted September 4, 2005 I finally see (eventhough i do not like it) that he is playing a game with me. I let him for so long, he has no doubt right now he could get me back(in his mind at least). But I feel I have had enough of his crap....I am not going back to it no matter what. He may even have someone new and in that case, I hope that she can accept his selfishness and lack of time for her......or I hope that he puts him in his place and says all the stuff I SHOULD have said yrs ago..... I know it is a process.....I know that I can do it......thanks to all of you! Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 Beth, you are doing great. Yes, you will have setbacks, and sometimes they will come after you've had a really big breakthrough. Just when you think you may be crossing over to "over him" you kind of let down your guard just a little, start to feel a little more forgiving, and willing to let your mind wander to happier moments. That's what sets you back, because you realize you won't have those good times anymore and you start to feel a bit lonely for them. Its normal. You are just trying to assimilate your experience and move forward. One thing that helps me in those moments when I start to miss him, is just to thnik about positive things about my future. Imagine this brand new life that I'm building for myself. I imagine myself stronger, and happier, and having days where I don't even think about him at all. I really recommend you not try to find anyone else right now. Its normal to want to do that, but you really need to #1 get over this guy and #2 figure out what you really want and be willing to settle for nothing less. Remember also, as you start to heal, there will be a big temptation to break NC. You'll tell yourself that you are totally ok and somethign within you just wants this "closure" or wants him to know how well you are doing without him. Don't. Don't. Don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Share Posted September 5, 2005 New Lee How are you doing latley? Any contact from him? So far, today I feel strong. Keeping busy and going to look at wedding dresses for my sister(hope that does not depress me-lol) I can rationally see that he will never change....at least I do not think. It just hurts my feelings to know that we will never be in each other's life again. And that to me, he was the love of my life and to him, I was a game or a prize to win back and forth. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLee40 Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 I'm hanging in there Beth, thanks for asking. No, there has been no contact with him and I will not call him. It hurts that he's not called to check on my test results. Even I'm surprised by that. I've been feeling rather alone and vulnerable lately, so it has been tempting to call him. My grandfather has taken a turn for the worse and is dying. I've spent most of the weekend in the hospital with him. I'm feeling rather alone and without support. I know I'd be disappointed if I called him for that, so I don't. Nothing good can come from calling him. So, I just sit with the pain. This is hell. Utter hell. I never want to feel this way again - reason enough never to contact him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Share Posted September 5, 2005 I have to remind myself nothing good will come of calling too. I just got back from looking at wedding dresses for my sister and I am kinda down. What if I never find ANYONE? I have the urge to call him. I wonder if he thinks of me or I wonder if he thinks nothing and just that when he calls, I will fall back as always....UGH I am in hell too. I hate him-I love him-I miss him-I am strong? So many diff feelings!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 Ugh Somedays I just wake up thinking of him! I must have had a dream about him.......I woke up wanting to call him and thinking of what I would say and then I realized that calling him will do NOTHING. It would be a temporary fix. Just like and alcoholic taking a sip..........I swear that if i can get thru this.....there is nothing I can think of that I cannot get thru! I keep telling myself that he was not the only guy in this world and that he treated me wrong......just venting outloud........How is everyone else today? I actaully like going to work now....my mind stays busy. I oanic thinking that I will never talk to him again, but then I just try to stick to coping day to day for now. It is so unreal to me that I am a smart girl....I know he is not right for me, yet, I crave him and his love..........I know that calling him will hinder the progress. I cannot imagine my missing him will fade...right now it seems impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 I know he is not right for me, yet, I crave him and his love He never once gave you his love .. He is married and you have created this illusion of a relationship that never exsisted. For some reason you are dillusional and I think that you need help. He is a sick fu** if he keeps calling you.. You need to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 7, 2005 Author Share Posted September 7, 2005 just for the record.....he has been seperated and living apart from her for 3 yrs...so it is not like he is living as a married couple....just to clarify. It is not like I am waiting around for him to leave her. He did before i met him....and he did once love me and that is why it is hard for me to let go. I just have to see that was then and this is now Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 Beth- Big difference in saying I love you than in actually loving you. Anyone can say it but you have to walk the walk for it to be real. He never put forth any type of relationship effort that I recall from your explanations. He threw you a bone every now and then to keep you interested, that's all. You have fabricated alot of this in your mind, making it seem better than it really was. Why would would want to accept scraps from anyone when you could have a whole meal with someone else is beyond me. Don't you think you deserve more?? That's something to bring up in your counseling sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 8, 2005 Author Share Posted September 8, 2005 Part of the problem is I am scared I will never find anyone. Everyone tells me I am so pretty and nice and sweet but I have this fear of never getting married and I think that I am in love with this fabrication I made up and that is who I am letting go of. I think the root of everything I am going thru is I am almost 30 and never been married or have kids and that is my dream in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 I think the root of everything I am going thru is I am almost 30 and never been married or have kids Beth.. you have plenty of time left for that. I didn't get married ( the first time ) until I was 33. and I'm 42 now and have never had kids either. If you would stop worrying about that stuff and go out and live life ..you will look back in a year and go.. Geez I would've never found so and so if I was still huing up on x.. Thank god that I moved on.. I'm engaged.. It can happen .. you have to let it Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 8, 2005 Author Share Posted September 8, 2005 thanks art critic......I just feel like my time is running out....actaully......everyone who is married says to wait and they wish they had. Society seems to pressure me so much. I am trying to switch the focus to me and not rat boy-lol I could go to all the therapy sessions in the world and that will never change HIM or make him know how to love. I just am planning on working on me. Hopefully in that time, the questions and thoughts of him fade. Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 Part of the problem is I am scared I will never find anyone. Everyone tells me I am so pretty and nice and sweet but I have this fear of never getting married and I think that I am in love with this fabrication I made up and that is who I am letting go of. I think the root of everything I am going thru is I am almost 30 and never been married or have kids and that is my dream in life. Beth, It's better to be 30 and never married and no kids, than 31 divorced and no kids. As long as you let go of your ex and make yourself available again, then who knows what the future has instore for you. But if you have the "Unavailable" sign flashing, becuase you are still hung up on this punk ex, then you are always going to be lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
cole Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 Beth! Look at you! You're awesome! Good for you! I agree with Sundrop - the likelihood that you'll have a fulfilling, long-term, happy marriage and kids and all that good stuff is MUCH greater with a man who willingly seeks out commitment and connection, demonstrates his love, and (most importantly, imho) carries his 50% of the relationship. I really think you are headed in a positive direction - don't let the sad times fool you. You love(d) this person, so breaking the connection will be painful at times. But that's because you have a big heart and you were willing to share that with another person. Love takes risk. Imagine how good it will feel when that heart of yours is reciprocated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 9, 2005 Author Share Posted September 9, 2005 I so look forward to meeting the right person. I have to remember that I am not in love with "him", I am in love with the dream I have. Thanks everyone...I know I must be annoying to you all with my ups and downs..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 I agree with whoever said you're blocking the guys that might possibly pursue you if you're putting out vibes about this other guy. Get out and do some things and have fun. Get happy with yourself and love yourself, then someone will come your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 10, 2005 Author Share Posted September 10, 2005 something weird is happening now...weird but good for me! For some reason all the times that I looked past somethng shady or I was hurt, it is all rushing back and I am feeling the pain that I pushed away at that time. I was missing him yesterday and kept wondering if he waas going to call and I woke up and starting thinking and all these bad memories popped up and I thought"I do not WANT him to call me!" I am glad the bad memories are coming back. I pushed them away and let them slide and now here they come right back! I know it is odd, but I am glad this is happening. My rose colored glasses are breaking!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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