She slept with her ex (they are still married but separated)

[Yellowkick]

Hi all,

 

New to the forum and need some advice. Here's my situation. I've been dating this woman for close to a year. When we met she told me she was separated from her husband and that it was likely headed to a divorce. She said she had told him her feelings for him were gone and she wanted to move on but he kept persisting and refusing to divorce.

 

I knew going on that this could get messy but was instantly attracted by her and began going out and dating her. She has a son with her husband. I told her I wanted her to be sure that she didn't want to go back to him or that there was a chance for them to work things out before I would seriously invest in the relationship. She said no worries and that it was done with her ex.

 

Things started very well. 2 months or so after we started going out she began to say very affectionate things. At the 4 month mark she said I love you. I was not there yet but was already developing feelings for her. Our sex life was great and she was making me very happy. I didn't want to show how much I liked her at first but kept taking her out and making sure we both had a good time.

 

We would see each other once, sometimes twice a week. She never slept over at my place even when I insisted many times.

 

At around the 9 month mark I finally told her I loved her. That I had fallen for her. Things after that began to get a bit weird. Its almost like after she knew she had me she became a bit distant. But this would be temporary and we would get back to having a great time and be happy.

 

I have trust issues and baggage from my failed marriage. I was cheated on by my ex wife. She knew this and I would sometimes act jealous and insecure when I knew there were other guys talking/texting her. She herself admitted that she sometimes had a hard time saying no or setting boundaries with guys (huge red flag) which only augmented my suspicions and lack of trust.

 

She once confessed that a guy at work had invited her to lunch and she didn't know what to say, was surprised by the invitation and went with him. She said she didnt think he was interested after they had lunch and he started asking about her love life. This got me super angry and we didn't talk for almost a week.

 

Recently she had been saying stuff like I don't know what I feel right now or that this what I want. She was saying I was too controlling and never trusted her. A few weeks ago she started crying while we were in bed. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing.

 

The shocker came Saturday when we were talking about the future. I told her I wanted us to start moving the pieces necessary to be together and that I wanted her to ask her husband for a divorce. They have been separated ever since I met her.

 

She began to cry and said she needed to tell me something but was afraid to lose me. She confessed she had sex with her ex a month or so ago. He went to the house to pick up their son and was talking about family and wanting her back and she caved in.

 

I can't explain the pain I feel and I can't take the images of her with another dude out of my head. She has apologized and has been crying since Saturday.

 

I thought we were happy together and I was making sure she was always having a fun time, being a gentleman with her, keeping things steamy in the bedroom, etc.

 

The only thing I can say probably messed up things for me was that I acted insecure and the baggage from my marriage/lack of trust became an issue.

 

She wants me to give her another chance. I don't think I can.

 

Unlike my ex who I had to spy on to find out she was cheating, she told me willingly and confessed without me suspecting this. I give her credit at least for that. Just dont know how to trust her moving forward.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest that you tell her to call you when the divorce papers are signed.

 

Seriously, you are making plans for the future with a woman who is currently married and parenting a child with another man. That's not wise.

[Yellowkick]

I would suggest that you tell her to call you when the divorce papers are signed.

 

Seriously, you are making plans for the future with a woman who is currently married and parenting a child with another man. That's not wise.

 

I've thought about telling her to get back to me when she is divorced. That would prove she's serious about a future with me. But here's the thing I really don't want to feel responsible for her breaking her family. Looking back, I wish I would have not started dating her until she was divorced. Seems to me now that she perhaps would have gone back to her ex if I was not in the picture. She denies this and says that having sex with him made her realize even more how much she wants me and that it was a mistake.

[Light Breeze]

She already cheated on you once, some people might say that this could be mended because she was honest with you. Personally though, I would not be able to deal with the kind of distrustful atmosphere after cheating. Anyway, I'm smelling a rebound situation here solidified by the fact that she didn't want to file a divorce. Probably deep inside she still feels something for her ex.

 

Cheating is a big no-no for me and coupled be her inability to set boundaries with other men, continuing with the relationship would be asking for more grief. If it was me, I would just part ways with her.

[PegNosePete]

The only thing I can say probably messed up things for me was that I acted insecure and the baggage from my marriage/lack of trust became an issue.

No, no no!

 

The only thing you messed up is that you dated a woman who was still married and you confess you knew it "could get messy" going in! No surprise, it did.

 

Cheating is a deal breaker so now the deal is broken. Tell her you cannot forgive cheating, and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, raise those standards:

 

You give her credit for being honest that she had sex with someone else, let alone her husband? (Not ex-husband; they are still married) Big whoop! That is setting the bar far too low. She waited a month to tell you and let you believe things were going well. This is a very dishonest and untrustworthy person, who doesn't deserve the credit you're trying to give her. I would give her credit if she he came on to her and didn't have sex with him but, well, we know that didn't happen.

 

She was dating other men while dating you. And she thinks you're dim enough to believe she "didn't know how to say no". Please. She was keeping her options open in case she met someone she liked better than you.

 

Look, she isn't done with her husband. Tell her to cry to him. You would be crazy to try to make it work with a woman like this. She is in no way ready to be with anyone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've thought about telling her to get back to me when she is divorced. That would prove she's serious about a future with me. But here's the thing I really don't want to feel responsible for her breaking her family. Looking back, I wish I would have not started dating her until she was divorced. Seems to me now that she perhaps would have gone back to her ex if I was not in the picture. She denies this and says that having sex with him made her realize even more how much she wants me and that it was a mistake.

 

Bull. She hasn't yet filed for divorce, has she?

 

Stop being so gullible. It's gotten you nowhere thus far, OP.

[fromheart]

Its not your trust issues that have caused this, its her selfishness and lack of empathy.

 

This is the way she will always be, she isn't going to change. Your going to keep getting these type of women, until you learn to say no. Don't be seduced by their good side thinking there's something you can do to change yourself or change her, so that she is permanently in the nice side you love.

 

She'll be flicking between nice and horrible for the rest of her lfe, until she gets therapy. If she's not cheating, she'll be treating you badly.

 

Learn to look out for those early signs, when she went on the date with the colleague that was a huge red flag. That's the time to end it. Otherwise, it gets worse.

 

Been there, I sympathize. Took me a long time to learn this. Better to be single, than go through this nonsense.

 

Telling her she needs to get help and stop being selfish, followed by ending it and NC, could be a good incentive for to change. Unless someone stands up to her, she will always be like this.

[central]

I think it's fine to date someone who is separated, but occasionally even divorced people return to their ex. There are risks, certainly, but usually manageable. However, she broke your trust and expectation of exclusivity, and has shown she lacks boundaries. She's a cheater, bottom line.

 

The best thing to do is break up and go no contact, even if/when she's divorce. If she lacks boundaries now, she probably won't gain any later. Yes, there is a chance that she learned something from this - but so should you.

[Yellowkick]

I think it's fine to date someone who is separated, but occasionally even divorced people return to their ex. There are risks, certainly, but usually manageable. However, she broke your trust and expectation of exclusivity, and has shown she lacks boundaries. She's a cheater, bottom line.

 

The best thing to do is break up and go no contact, even if/when she's divorce. If she lacks boundaries now, she probably won't gain any later. Yes, there is a chance that she learned something from this - but so should you.

 

She desperately wants to talk to explain things. I really feel I can’t trist her anymore and instead of thinking about it over and over I will tell he ryhay and tell her is best we move on. I will end contact after that.

 

We had many special moments after she slept with him and I was getting more and more into her without knowing she was hiding this stuff.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Leave the relationship, thank her for her honesty.

No hard feelings, things just weren't meant to be.

She's obviously got a soft spot for her child's father,

And in a relationship with her, she's demonstrated it's a bother.

[BluesPower]

She desperately wants to talk to explain things. I really feel I can’t trist her anymore and instead of thinking about it over and over I will tell he ryhay and tell her is best we move on. I will end contact after that.

 

We had many special moments after she slept with him and I was getting more and more into her without knowing she was hiding this stuff.

 

This is why you don't get with someone that is 1) Not over her ex, 2) Not divorced, 3) a cheater/boundary issues.

 

If you talk to her, I bet she cheated on her husband as well.

 

You know you can hang with a woman like this, in this situation, but use a condom and DO NOT GET IN TOO DEEP...

[CantTakeMySmile]

Why did she sleep with him?

 

 

Why didn't you guys spend nights together?

[Noproblem]

Let me ask you a question.

What you gonna lose if you leave her now and cut all ties?

 

Pain? Give it 2 months and it disapears.

 

Sex? There are others! and some people even don't even have sex for years, not the end of the world!

 

Insecurity? You already have that thanks to ex wife!

 

Companionship? She was your sex body, she never even spent the night with you, not really a companion!

 

She was never yours to begin with, most of the time a sperated don't get divorve

 

Sadly, you were

her releif

her rebound

her fun time

 

 

When you wanted something serious, she went ahead and had sex with her ex because at the end of the day, she has tasted what it feels with another man, had her fun and games, and now it was time to go back to her "loser husband."

 

Because in her twisted mind, she thinks he will change and this time around it will get better.

 

Time for you to choose "YOU" over "her"

 

It's time for you to cut your losses and leave her for good

 

Block her from your life and everything.

 

Married or not, she cheated on you! and frankly, since she is not divorced, technically she cheated on him as well!

Edited July 11, 2018 by Noproblem

[Yellowkick]

Why did she sleep with him?

 

 

Why didn't you guys spend nights together?

 

She says he came to the house one day and was talking about wanting his family back and that their son needs them to try to make it work. One thing led to the next and it happened. Im not sure it happened just once.

 

She would stay until 3 and sometimes 4 an but then she would ask me to drop her off. My guess is she didnt want her sister or mom who were the ones babysitting her son most often when we were out to notice she didnt come back home. Her husband I recently learned has a key to the house.

 

We had been fighting about stuff. I was pissed because she went on a trip to an amusemnet park with her family and her ex. She said she was doing it for her son but it still bothered me and I said people do that when they are trying to get back together.

 

Because I was asking questions and in her eyes being controlling she had mentioned that maybe we needed a break. She had been acting weird.

 

Coincidentally, she told me she would sleepover recently. That was days before she revealed this stuff to me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

She says he came to the house one day and was talking about wanting his family back and that their son needs them to try to make it work. One thing led to the next and it happened. Im not sure it happened just once.

 

She would stay until 3 and sometimes 4 an but then she would ask me to drop her off. My guess is she didnt want her sister or mom who were the ones babysitting her son most often when we were out to notice she didnt come back home. Her husband I recently learned has a key to the house.

 

We had been fighting about stuff. I was pissed because she went on a trip to an amusemnet park with her family and her ex. She said she was doing it for her son but it still bothered me and I said people do that when they are trying to get back together.

 

 

 

Why didn't you stay with her and her family?Because I was asking questions and in her eyes being controlling she had mentioned that maybe we needed a break. She had been acting weird.

 

Coincidentally, she told me she would sleepover recently. That was days before she revealed this stuff to me.

 

 

Why didn't you stay with her and her family? WHy didn't you go to the amusement park? ANd you know, as we all do, "one thing doesn't lead to another" if you don't want it to.

 

 

So, I think you are 100 percent right that she was not being honest with you and telling you want you wanted to hear. Good for you for moving on! YAY!

[ExpatInItaly]

She desperately wants to talk to explain things. I really feel I can’t trist her anymore and instead of thinking about it over and over I will tell he ryhay and tell her is best we move on. I will end contact after that.

 

We had many special moments after she slept with him and I was getting more and more into her without knowing she was hiding this stuff.

 

Meh, she can't explain away this one. Not in a way that will make it a good idea to continue dating her anyway. She'll come up with a huge list of excuses, if that's what you're interested in hearing.

 

What you do know: she lies a lot. She lies by omission, she twists the truth to make herself look less like a jerk, she paints herself some hapless participant who just falls into these situations (which happen to be in other men's pants) She is good at keeping up an act, since you apparently had no idea she had cheated and she pretended everything was okay.

 

My guess is that what she's telling you now is not the full truth. There is probably a lot more she's still hiding, and I bet her husband would be able to paint you a very different picture of just what she's been up to behind your back with him (not that you should ever contact him, mind you. Just speaking in hypotheticals)

 

Drop her like a hot potato and find a more honorable, respectful and committed woman. This one is an opportunist who doesn't much care about you.

[Ddog]

Maybe my first post on LoveShack but.... Look at the situation you're in i been here myself so i have to reply. Sorry i'm french so spealling could be wrong.

 

For make it simple : You fall in love with a girl emotionaly unavailable.

 

This girl is maybe into you and really apreciate you but she still got string attach to her past. (Her ex)

She is in no position right now to give the love you want and deserve to you and anybody else.

She is wishy washy, untrustworthy, broken inside, a liar and a manipulator.

 

I will give you all the option you can do and maybe the result of all of that.

I'm pretty sure you love her a lot, maybe is in the way she look or talk but you should know for now that you deserve better and she is in no position to love you for real.

 

All she saying right now is for trying to manipulate you, she is lying to you and maybe herself right now because that her fear that talking at the moment. So don't fall for all that bull****, you cannot take anything for granted of what she saying right now. So just cut her down for a couple of day or week before talking back to her that will be a little more productive that way.

 

That been said... here your options

 

Option #1 : Give a second chance bacl to ex once again.

Result: She will be commited to you and will tell you she will stop talking to her ex. But after what 2-3 month she will start to talk to him again about bull**** reason. (He want to see the kid, amusement park once again, he don't stop talking to me...) She obvously will never tell you she started a new fling with her ex once again and she will disrespect you once again.

 

If it just take 3-4 days of crying for taking you and her security back after cheating she will do it again that for sure.

 

Option #2 : Give a second chance your insecurity kick in.

Result : Maybe she will try everything to get what she had over the next month. But you are a person with a black history of cheating. You will begin to be really insecure of what she doing with who. She proved she is not dating material,broken and not trustable. It's very natural to feel like this with what she done to you. Told you she will never do this and know your past. BUT GUESS WHAT!!! SHE DID IT! after almost 1 year with you all that taken is him saying "I want us to be back together" and she banged with him. Knowing exactly what she was doing and how much pain it will cause you and throwing away 1 years of work just like that... It will be so easy to think well she done it one time just like that she could do it again.

 

And you will be in a toxic and unhappy relationship because of her mistake for a couple of time.

 

Option #3 : Dump her Respect yourself

 

Result: Dump her and go NC with her for what at least 1 years... That bad yupp that for sure but from that time you will get your dignity back, you will be stronger and more wake up to red flag. You will work on opening yourself back to other woman, to pratice your skill.

By that time : She will take decision to go back to ex and live her rest of fantasie and feel like crap ans rebound with a another guy or she will really work on herself (go counseling or whatever,see you like a real Alpha Man that live by his boundary etc etc.

 

So by that time you will be back on your two feet fresh anew with new skill and attribute. And she will or will not have worked on herself.

She worked on herself. taked her life back and you didn't find a new girl fine maybe she NOW deserve a second chance.

She not worked on herself : WELL YOU DODGED A BULLET

She find somebody else : it's wasn't mean to be

 

Just to tell you i chosed option #3. It was ****ing hard but oh well i never regreted it. (I Ghosted her real hard)

[Yellowkick]

Meh, she can't explain away this one. Not in a way that will make it a good idea to continue dating her anyway. She'll come up with a huge list of excuses, if that's what you're interested in hearing.

 

What you do know: she lies a lot. She lies by omission, she twists the truth to make herself look less like a jerk, she paints herself some hapless participant who just falls into these situations (which happen to be in other men's pants) She is good at keeping up an act, since you apparently had no idea she had cheated and she pretended everything was okay.

 

My guess is that what she's telling you now is not the full truth. There is probably a lot more she's still hiding, and I bet her husband would be able to paint you a very different picture of just what she's been up to behind your back with him (not that you should ever contact him, mind you. Just speaking in hypotheticals)

 

Drop her like a hot potato and find a more honorable, respectful and committed woman. This one is an opportunist who doesn't much care about you.

 

We talked on the phone. She said lots of things. One being that she cares so much about what people think and her mother kept insisting she fixes her marriage. She was trying to explain I guess that it had something to do with what happened.

 

I told her that I don't see how I can trust her moving forward. Told her if we one day find ourselves single and her having been divorced perhaps we can try anew then. If its meant to happen it will happen. She was crying a lot. But then she texted what seemed like angry texts. I told her she didn't have anyone to be upset at but herself. She said she had thoughts of being with me forever and thought about what it would be like to carry my last name.

 

Now she tells me this stuff.

[Noproblem]

We talked on the phone. She said lots of things. One being that she cares so much about what people think and her mother kept insisting she fixes her marriage. She was trying to explain I guess that it had something to do with what happened.

 

I told her that I don't see how I can trust her moving forward. Told her if we one day find ourselves single and her having been divorced perhaps we can try anew then. If its meant to happen it will happen. She was crying a lot. But then she texted what seemed like angry texts. I told her she didn't have anyone to be upset at but herself. She said she had thoughts of being with me forever and thought about what it would be like to carry my last name.

 

Now she tells me this stuff.

 

Well, you can start ignoring her now!

 

She can always say no if someone is trying to have sex with her, unless it's forced, but she didn't say her husband forced her, so her words are just words!

[carhill]

Pure emotion survival mode. Pay it no mind.

 

Seen this with many MW's. One foot in, one out. All had kids. It used to make me really angry that they'd use men like they do but hey we sign up for it so they're just being the gluttonous humans we all are. Now I try to guess which social hack they'll use next and chuckle when I'm right. Such a game.

[Yellowkick]

Well, you can start ignoring her now!

 

She can always say no if someone is trying to have sex with her, unless it's forced, but she didn't say her husband forced her, so her words are just words!

 

Yes. Seems like she is grasping for straws now. Just now she texted "just forget about me. Forget I exist. You will be better off."

 

Passive aggressiveness

[carhill]

'I'm going to kill myself'

 

I've heard it all. It's just carbon dioxide. There are times though when I'm envious of the power women have over men. I could never do that. They'd just say 'do it'. It is what it is.

[PegNosePete]

she texted "just forget about me. Forget I exist. You will be better off."

 

Passive aggressiveness

Or, the first honest thing she has said to you in months!!

 

She has shown her true colours now. Even if you were to forgive her, you have seen how emotionally manipulative she is. Would you even want to be with someone who does that?

 

Text her back "OK" and block her number.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes. Seems like she is grasping for straws now. Just now she texted "just forget about me. Forget I exist. You will be better off."

 

Passive aggressiveness

 

Good heavens, this woman is immature.

 

She was trying to keep you in her pocket in case she and her husband do proceed with the divorce. You have dodged a huge bullet and a whack-load of emotional guff here. She is manipulative and childish.